Many hands make light work of birthday spankings… Photo by Gage.

I was recently asked to be a Dungeon Monitor (DM) at a kink party. It’s not the first time, and hopefully it won’t be the last. I co-produced a kink party for my birthday this year, and I frequent kinky/sexy parties more than probably any other type of party I go to. I’ve been to a lot of different styles of adult events, I’ve served as a moderator at a number of them, and I’ve produced different events over the years too. I’m often asked what happens at kink parties, so I figured I’d share some of my insight. Below is a breakdown of elements you’ll usually come across if you’re invited to one. I hope it gives you a better idea of what to look for, what to expect, and even some ideas about what type of party you might want to seek out — or how to organize your own party in a slightly different way.

Type: There are definitely different flavors of kink parties. There are queer parties, leather community parties, swinger parties, parties catered to specific kinks and fetishes, parties meant to bring visibility and play to a particular dungeon, club nights and fundraisers, parties where someone teaches certain skills to the guest list and then the party takes shape from that point on, convention dungeon hours, after hour parties in the back of a bar, and parties that are simply created to get a group of adventurous friends together for some fun adult playtime. Some kink parties allow “sex” of various sorts to happen on premise, some do not. Some sex parties allow limited styles of kink to be explored, some do not. Some parties allow both sex and kink, but may limit what or how particular activities are engaged in.

The Rules: There will almost always be a set of rules or guidelines to cover the host’s and producer’s expectations for the event. These are usually clearly outlined in your invitation, and you should make sure to read everything an event coordinator writes, ask any questions you have up front in advance, and come to the party prepared. Rules will usually cover subjects like: whether or not you can bring a friend and what hoops to jump through to get them vetted, how the space is to be treated and cleaned up after, where specific activities (like sexual intercourse or impact play or fire play…) can take place or should not take place, where the quiet or “no play” zones are, where you’re allowed to be nude and in what areas you’re required to be clothed, how the attendees are expected to behave and communicate with one another and the party personnel, whether intoxicants are allowed on premise, what constitutes “consent” in that space, whether unprotected sex or penetration is tolerated, and what the consequences are for breaking the rules or otherwise behaving badly. Aside from having good dungeon etiquette and party going manners, paying particular attention to anything a party organizer or host lays down as an expectation is important if you don’t want to have your scene interrupted, get kicked out, and you would like to be invited back for the next one.

Is that Sex in my Kink or Kink in my Sex?: Sex parties and kink parties can be one and the same, but often they are not. If the intention of the party is to create space for people to explore their non-vanilla kinks, then explicit sexual conduct may be out of place or even make some kinksters uncomfortable. The same goes the other way around. People who are interested in party sex may be alarmed if someone is being whipped or electrocuted nearby. Some events deal with this spectrum by having designated areas for “sex” and designated areas for “impact” or other specific types of kink. These parties may also have spaces designated to be “play free” so that partygoers have a safe space to go if they need to tap out, unwind, or just don’t feel like being around sexual or kinky energy for a bit. Play free zones are also important neutral ground for having a conversation that won’t interrupt someone else’s scene, and for engaging in conversation where it may be easier to turn down a play request. Depending on if the party is public or held in a commercial venue there will definitely be rules (due to legal concerns and/or cleanliness standards) about whether PIV is allowed, whether anything inserted into an orifice needs to be covered with a barrier (or is allowed at all), whether unprotected oral sex is allowed, where the puppy pads, safer sex supplies, and cleaning supplies live, and how to clean up after yourself — or flag the people on duty that your area needs to be cleaned.

Substance Use: Rules concerning mind altering substance use is highly dependent on the hosts of the party and the venue. Many parties I’ve attended have ruled “very light to no substance use”. Sometimes these rulings are addressing state laws, such as, “Only card holding medical use of marijuana”, or “Light recreational pot smoking allowed only on the back porch”, or “No drugs, not even pot allowed, and a two alcoholic drink limit”, or “No drugs, no alcohol, and if we think you’re under the influence we will escort you and your guests out of the party with no re-admittance”. There are parties which don’t control substance use at all, though unless everyone in the group is pretty familiar with one another intoxicated partygoers can lead to more problematic scenarios like consent violations and unintended physical or emotional damage. My favorite motto that I’ve heard is, “If you want a drink or a little pot to loosen up that’s alright, but if you’re too drunk/stoned to drive a car you’re too inebriated to drive another person or give meaningful consent”. In general I think it’s better when people are playing on the sober side — our bodies make wonderful chemicals to enjoy when we connect through kink and sexual acts already…

Dungeon Monitor (DM): Not every party has these, though I think they’re a valuable asset if your party is on the larger side, if it hosts a lot of people who don’t know one another, or when there’s more advanced or dangerous play occurring. Conventions usually have a team of DMs who work shifts in any dungeon space the con provides. The DM’s job is to make sure that what happens in the dungeon/party is “safe” (or RACK — Risk Aware Consensual Kink), and following the party rules. Think: lifeguard for kinky shit. Often a DM will be someone who has either specific training in emergency medical care, suspension rigging, or other party-applicable safety and communication standards. Sometimes the DM is just a friend of the host who’s offered to keep an eye on things, answer questions, uphold party rules, and handle disputes. If you’re interested in being a DM, check out your local kink initiative, they will sometimes arrange trainings.

Opening Circle/Party Starting Ritual: I like to call opening circle, “The half hour where everyone at the party becomes exponentially attractive”. Some kinky/sexy parties have an opening ritual/circle, and many do not. The circle can be as woo, as informal, as pragmatic, or as high art as the organizers would like it to be. It’s an opportunity for the hosts to introduce themselves and other party help (DMs, moderators, clean-up crew), to relay anything they wish, and to lay out the rules and expectations for the evening. It’s also an opportunity to set intentions for the party itself and/or have the individuals present do so. Opening circles are sometimes used as an opportunity to close the doors to the event creating a feeling of safety and togetherness for everyone present, and promising that what happens in the space will not be disturbed by anyone outside of the circle. Often (but not always) parties which include an opening circle or ritual will make it mandatory to be present at the circle if you’re attending, as they won’t admit anyone to the party who arrives late.

The parties I mostly frequent have an informal version of this type of ritual which includes everyone at the party introducing themselves and saying something about what they’re hoping for or desiring out of their evening. I’ve attended parties with highly choreographed ritual performances led by a smaller group of players which kicked the night off, parties that started with a bunch of trust exercises and “get to know you” games, and I’ve been to parties where you just show up and play, no induction needed. Personally, I like the informal introduction circles because I get to know people in a quick but relevantly insightful way. It empowers me to approach someone who might be a stranger but mentioned they were looking for _____ that night, if that’s what I’m interested in too, or to more confidently strike up a conversation with that other person who’s at a party like this for the first time and doesn’t want to participate but is happy to chat and watch. A mass of lesser known people become better known, and if you didn’t plan your evening in advance opening circles can be a convenient way to get started.

Closing Ceremony: Very few parties I’ve been to have closing ceremonies, but the ones I’ve participated in I’ve loved. The problem with having a closing circle is often that the organizers don’t wish to interrupt the merriment of their guests. What I’ve found at parties which do include one, is that the closing circle doesn’t really interrupt anyone any more than fun looking distractions do. People are usually excited to participate in whatever’s being offered to the group. One party I attend has a toast at midnight. Everyone gathers in the main space, is served in a particular manner, the hosts say a few words, and we all toast! That moment feels very beautiful — a recognition of all we’ve created together that evening. Afterward people usually go back to playing or wrap up for the night. Another ritual I’ve participated in is circling up to quickly recount a favorite moment from the evening. On my birthday before I went to sleep (earlier than some), I made sure that I connected with everyone individually and thanked them for participating, I answered any questions they had about clean-up or sleep arrangements, and just connected briefly in a grounded way. People stayed up playing longer, and were able to end their evenings on their own timelines and in their own ways.

But what happens?: What doesn’t happen?!?!! It really depends on the party you’re at — and it depends on what you bring to it. Certainly (depending on the limitations of the event), you can usually expect various types of toy play, sexual intercourse, group sex, lots of nudity, great voyeurism opportunities, laughter, grunting, the sounds of spanking, whip cracks, screams, sighs, orgasms, awkward moments, funny conversations, rope and other styles of bondage, and maybe even fire play, wrestling, cigar play, service demonstrations… the playground is only as limited as your imagination, supplies, and everyone’s consent. I highly recommend that anyone interested in adult parties finds themselves at one someday. Just be on your best behavior, and don’t bring drama.

If you’re interested in hiring me to help plan an event, please do drop a line.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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