A helpful tool I frequently use with new subs and trainees is the BDSM checklist. You can find a bunch of them online, and over the years I’ve found examples which work more or less to my satisfaction.
Sometimes I get annoyed that a checklist’s language is different from what I’m used to, or the list comes off as too heteronormative or less than gender inclusive. There are some I find to be too complicated, and others too simplistic. Certainly it’s impossible to develop an exhaustive list of things to try, but even still some lists cater more towards styles of play I enjoy, and some are far from useful to me specifically.
Today I’m sharing a BDSM checklist that I’ve put together. I know I’ll be refining it as long as I use it. That’s just the nature of this ever-evolving beast. I’ll try to update the file link when I think of it in the future.
My list is based off a few I’ve used in the past, with various bits taken off, added on, recategorized, redefined, and with slightly different options than I’ve found on some. It’s not an exhaustive list in the least bit, but I think it’s a pretty good start and it works for me rather well. Feel free to download, edit, update, change, and utilize the list for yourself:
How to use a BDSM checklist: At the top of most comprehensive checklists you’ll find definitions about what words mean and instructions about how to fill the pages out. This is so the person filling it out can do so as clearly as possible, and the person reading it can interpret their answers relatively accurately. It’s important to remember though that people interpret different terms differently, and one person’s idea of what “medium masochism” is might be wholly different than another’s.
Alongside the long list of activities to be rated, there are often a few ways each activity can be rated. In my checklist I ask people to rate each activity in a number of different ways in order to get a more comprehensive idea about how my sub actually experiences each activity. I ask them to rate: by experience level—never tried, tried but not enough to fully evaluate, or experienced; by how much they enjoy the activity—0-5; by whether or not the activity is a limit, a curiosity of theirs, or a valued part of play for them; to let me know if the activity is a fetish or something they feel they want to be “forced” to do in order to get over their nerves to try; and finally I offer space for notes and questions.
All of this information gives me a much clearer picture of how my partner feels about an activity, than if they’d simply said, “I rate such-and-such activity as a 3”. It helps me know where they’re at—are they new to the activity, do they have notes about whether it’s something they only do with people they have particular chemistry with… you get the idea. The combination of answers I’m presented with gives me better questions to ask when it comes time to negotiate.
You’ll notice on my checklist that there’s a pretty wide variety of activities represented. In part this is because I have a wide range of interests and skills, but this is not the only reason. There are definitely a number of items on the checklist that I do not offer at all, or that I do not engage in with everyone. The reason for this is an important one. I want my sub to feel comfortable telling me about them, not what they think I want to hear. By offering a more comprehensive list of activities, I offer my new partners an opportunity to answer questions they may never have been asked before. I want that. I want my partners telling me more about their interests and experiences rather than less. I want them to feel safe sharing “darker” fantasies or more taboo interests without fearing that I’m judging them. If it’s on the form, it’s an opportunity to let me know their thoughts. If I don’t give that opportunity to my partners, there’s a lot about them I’ll never get insight into.
This is helpful in other ways too. If a partner really loves an activity I don’t personally engage in, knowing that could be an opportunity for me to help them find someone who does offer it. There’s also the possibility that in time I might change my mind and decide an activity I’ve previously not been interested in is something I’d like to bring to the table in that relationship.
Similarly to this line of thinking, offering more options instead of less to a sub with limited experiences helps their own imagination about what’s possible expand. It encourages partners with limited imaginations consider opportunities they’d never thought of before. (If I’m anything, I’m absolutely an instigator at heart.)
Why use a checklist? I like checklists. I see them as a general snapshot of the terrain I’m working with when I begin a relationship. Checklist answers will, of course, change in time as people evolve and gain more experiences or as the relationship grows. While a checklist should not be considered consent, it is a great way to become inspired.
One of the first things I look at is what areas of play we seem compatible in. Next I spend some time musing on the things they like. Even if we don’t share all of the same interests, I can decide to incorporate elements of certain types of play into other things that I do. For example, maybe I have no interest in getting super into pet training with a sub who really likes that. Knowing they’re really into that might encourage me to use a leash more frequently, hand mits, offer them more time in a cage than I’d usually consider, or have them eat off the floor. These lists and their answers are not mandates, they’re simply prompts into possibility.
What I do not use a checklist for: I never use a checklist to replace conversation and proper negotiation. First of all, someone writing down that they love to be beaten with a cane, is not consent for me to beat them with a cane. It’s great to know I can probably offer my cane to them and gain approval, however maybe my sub only loves being beaten by canes made of thick rattan (softer and more thuddy as canes go), but I’m only packing a thin acrylic (very hard and stingy) one. Perhaps the only cane Top they’ve played with in the past was very gentle and spent a long time warming them up, but they’ve never experienced a mean caning and don’t realize that’s even a thing. From this checklist I’ll still have no idea if they like to be caned wherever on their body, or if they only like being hit on a very specific body part. You can see how the checklist get’s me into a ballpark for conversation, but we’re still not completely set up for play.
Another problem I’ve come across with many checklists is that the directions on how to fill them out aren’t very clear. Sometimes the definition of what a soft limit vs. a hard limit is isn’t spelled out (or doesn’t resonate with my use of those terms). Sometimes rating methods are super complicated, and halfway through filling the form out I realize I’ve been inconsistent with my answers. Sometimes I’ve not known what an activity really means, and by page 8 I’ve lost track of all the questions I wanted to ask. BDSM checklists are a way to amass a large amount of general and personal information, not extract detailed meaning. Because of this I think of checklists as “inspiration” rather than anything remotely resembling “facts”.
All in all, BDSM checklists are a great tool. Like any tool they can be incredibly helpful or extremely limited depending on what you want accomplished. Remember that the answers you receive only apply to the person who filled it out at the moment they filled it out. Emotional and mood changes, growing interests, updated relationship aspirations (or tensions), and new experiences take their toll on any checklist’s accuracy. They are certainly not a replacement for conversation or ongoing check-ins.
If some time has passed, consider having your partner fill a checklist out again. It can be fun to notice how many more activities they’re familiar with or have new and different opinions about from the first round, when you were just getting to know one another.
Here’s the link again—a downloadable pdf of Creature Sir’s BDSM Checklist. I hope you enjoy it, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me pay rent: join Patreon, offer Support or email me directly. Thank you