Y is for YOU

A perfect weekday afternoon!

A perfect weekday afternoon!

We’re close to our final entry in this round of the alphabet, and so I thought it important to send along some resources that should help you think about YOU!  It’s great to know you want something kinky to happen between you and your partners, but it’s even better to know exactly what you want those things to be before playing.  This helps a lot when it comes time to negotiate with your partners about play, and it’s also an interesting way to keep an eye on how you yourself are evolving over time in the realm of kinky experiences…

The CEPE checklist:  The CEPE checklist is an excellent way to gather your thoughts about kink. It is a 200 question BDSM checklist that asks you to rate your interest in various activities.  It is often used by D-types who are trying to get to know their s-types better.  After this paperwork has been completed, a quick glance at it can tell the person who is looking what types of activities you are into, not into, have as hard limits, as well as what activities you are experienced in, are a novice at, or have never tried out, and which activities you may prefer to top, bottom, or switch for.  It takes a little bit of time to finish, but I think it is well worth the effort for people who are interested in having a clear place to start negotiations from.

I recommend all you interested-in-kink types look this checklist over and have a go at putting down on paper what works.  I think it’s an incredibly good exercise not just for the outcome of clear talking points, but it’s an interesting way to meditate on kink – on what excites you, what does not, and what you might be curious about.  The first time I did it I had the experience of realizing that a few of the options on the card I had never really considered before, so it became an inspirational tool to my dirty mind too.

[Update July 2019: I have developed my own BDSM Checklist, here’s a link to download mine if you’d like to use it]

The final moment of my "Pink" performance at "Glitterotica". Photo by www.KristenMariePhoto.com

The final moment of my “Pink” performance at “Glitterotica”. Photo by www.KristenMariePhoto.com

Games you can play:  If you have a partner, here’s one of my favorite games to play…  I call it “Red, Yellow, Green”, and I learned it from Carol Queen (one of my favorite people in the sexuality industry) a number of years ago when she was leading a workshop at the sexuality boutique I worked at.  It goes like this:

  • With your partner(s), make a list of all of the sexual/kinky/fantasy things you can think of.  Don’t be shy, say them all – from the most vanilla to the most radical!
  • Take a look of this list and each of you rate the activities Red, Yellow, or Green (it’s perfectly ok if you have different ratings than one another).  Red indicates a “hard limit”, meaning something you don’t have any interest in doing at all.  Yellow indicates a “soft limit”, or something you are curious about but have never tried before and are a little nervous about, something you’re willing to try but not that interested in, or something you will do or have done but don’t really get turned on by the idea of.  Green is for go, the activities you are excited about, that turn you on, or that you’d actively like to try out.
  • Now for the fun part!!!  It is time for you and your partner(s) to start playing.  Yes, I mean getting turned on.  Play with one another until you can feel the juices flowing and the sexy filling your veins…  Now pause and take a look at the list again.  Go through and re-rate everything.  Has anything changed?  Did some yellows turn green?  Are some of your reds not quite so red anymore?  You don’t have to talk about it yet because…
  • Start back in on the sexiness!  This time work up a good sweat and stop just before you want to come/finish/explode/hit the subspace/domspace/roof/whathaveyou…  Take a look at those ratings again and update anything that needs to be updated.  Don’t worry about processing any of it yet though, because…
  • Back to the sexy!  This time ravage through the end.  Just after falling into a heaping pile of post-whatever mush, look at that list and re-rate the things.
  • Now to talk about it with one another…  I hope you had a really enjoyable time.

I like this exercise a lot because it gives one an indication of how being turned on might change their feelings about a  scene or an activity.  I think this is really important information to have when negotiating.  There is a general consensus in kinky play that you never re-negotiate a scene or boundaries mid-play.  The reason for this is that being turned on will mess with your brains and your conscious understanding of what is and is not good for you.  To avoid a negative lash-back post play, it’s important to know what kinds of things look good to you when you’re not completely sexually sober.  Think about them; decide whether the activities that became more acceptable to you are actually things you are interested in exploring or not.  This list will probably also help you figure out what will never be a turn on…

Nipple Clamps for HomeworkMy experiences meditating on me:  I have been described by a former lover as a “connection whore”.  I’m pretty sure he was on to something, and I’ve enjoyed the phrase since hearing it.  This means that when I’m connecting with someone I am much more open to them and their desires than I am when our connection is thin or nonexistent.  I think this is true to a degree for most people, though I seem to take it farther and faster than many.  My ability to say no, and my desire to say yes to the person I am connecting with can be a HUGE block to my rational brain – think stereotypical brainless dude aware only of his hard on and willing to do pretty much anything to get his dick wet…  that’s kinda me in those moments.  Because of this one of the things I let people know upfront when I’m negotiating a scene with them, is that if I’m feeling really connected to them during the scene, and I am really turned on, I will probably say yes to anything they ask.  This is not to say that I won’t stand behind my actions, but to let my partner know that if they want to change any of the rules we’ve pre-negotiated or try something we haven’t talked about, that I may in fact say yes to something I’ll regret saying yes to.  So, I ask my partners to please respect the boundaries that we establish before getting all worked up.  This is another reason I always make sure to negotiate sexual boundaries before entering into a kink scene too.  I generally don’t mix my kink and sex, and that’s a can of worms I don’t want to deal with the fallout of if someone were to be as turned on as I, and wonder if we could enter that arena during play.  This is one of the major ways I respect myself, and teach my partners a little bit about what to expect.

When I filled out the CEPE checklist for the first time, I realized that there were things on there I had never considered kink activities.  It was awesome!  It made me think about the possibilities beyond my current fantasies.  I LOVE learning new things (definitely a fetish of mine), so even just filling out that worksheet was a huge turn on.

I am currently developing a game for people interested in kink, BDSM, adventurous sex, and expanding their sensual horizons with partners…  hopefully next time I post a “Y is for YOU” entry, I’ll be able to share it with you.

Dinner anyone? An example of my homework for the evening...

Dinner anyone? An example of my homework for the evening…

For further education, ideas, and kinky eye openers:

  • the Kink Academy – a wonderful resource for videos, a wealth of informational blog writings, and just a great place to be.  If you do check out this site and decide you’d like to sign up for a membership, please link to the site through one of my links.  I am an affiliate, so if you link to them through me when you make your purchase, I’ll receive a commission off your membership as a thank you for introducing you to the site.  It’s a great way to support this site.
  • Fetlife – go to munches to meet the kinky people nearby, learn about various subjects by reading people’s ideas in groups, and find out what’s happening in your area
  • NELA – They host the Fetish Flea convention and have their hands in a lot of the kinky goings on in New England.  There should be associations like this one in many regions, if you’re not from around here, look around for yours.

I encourage you to make it personal today.  Your interests, boundaries, and pleasure matter every bit as much as your partner’s regardless of your level of experience, gender, age, role in the activity, or anything else.  In the end only you can know yourself well enough to advocate and negotiate in ways that make you happiest.  Have fun, and have fun figuring it all out!

To Breath and Being,

~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

I is for INTERROGATION

Undercover costume complete...

Undercover Spy costume complete…

I mentioned a while back that “electricity is one of the only things that’s “broken” me (grinning as I say it)…“.  Now is the time for that particular story.  I welcome you to the wonderful world of INTERROGATION!

Seriously?!  Interrogation?:  Why yes.  Interrogation.  This word conjures up pictures of harsh lights on the suspect’s face, varied types of torture, manipulation of the accused, threats…  And those are just some of the ways you can make this desire come to life in a scene.  As you may or may not already think about, not all kink is about physical sensations.  Sometimes kinksters like to engage in the emotional or psychological realms in play, and interrogation is definitely one of the ideas I’ll talk about that moves further into emotional and psychological exploration (though it can incorporate a healthy dose of physical endurance as well).  Also, to be clear, interrogation is a more advanced subject/type of play, so please approach it with respect and a level of care that goes beyond some more straight forward endeavors you’d take on.

Ok, so what IS interrogation play?  As with most play, interrogation can be done very different ways, and to vastly different levels or ends, and for different reasons for every person participating in it.  Interrogation is a game where the Top/Interrogator is trying to get some bit of information from the bottom/interrogation subject before the scene ends, and employs all types of coercion to get it.  The information that is being chased can be anything from a person’s name, to a string of numbers, or another bit of information planted pre-scene into the subject’s consciousness, or it can be something more ‘real’ – a story or bit of real life information that the interrogator wants to have given over by their subject.  There are a lot of techniques which can be employed in the extraction of this information, and usually the toybag of a good interrogator contains tools that pull on the heartstrings and brainfolds of the person holding out, not only on their physical constitution or endurance.

The morning after Violet Wand torture thigh marks

The morning after Violet Wand torture

Negotiation:  Negotiation is arguably the most important part of a successful interrogation scene.  Unlike some types of play you might engage in, interrogation negotiation must be pretty extensive and cover territory you might not be used to covering.  Not only do the often asked questions about physical constitution apply (and you want to make sure you are rather rigorous about knowing as much as possible), but you want to know as much as you can about how the bottom might respond to emotional or psychological triggers.  You want to know if there *are* triggers this person is aware of, and how the person behaves when triggered.  You want to know what subjects to steer clear of when taunting them or pushing their buttons.  Interrogation can get mean, and because of this you want to make sure there is really clear communication about the use of safe words for reasons differing from physical fatigue.  Both the Top and bottom in the scene should feel comfortable stopping a scene in the middle of play if they feel something is off.  During an interrogation scene the combination of physical, emotional, and psychological manipulation can tire out a bottom more quickly than anyone thinks probable.  So spend time negotiating.  Spend a few weeks to a month or more planning with one another.  Do your research as an interrogator, and know how to come up from a scene if you find your bottom spiraling down to a place you feel is unhealthy or harmful.

Healing Process/Aftercare:  Just like negotiation the aftercare process will be one you want to make sure you are really clear about.  Depending on how well you know one another or how personally intense the interrogation gets, the bottom may or may not want to engage in a physically close and comforting type of aftercare.  The top in the this scene may have some more needs that usual too – they have, after all, ventured into a land of manipulation and possibly sadistic offense that may be hard for them to resolve in the aftermath.  Regardless, I like thinking of the aftercare of an interrogation scene (or kidnapping, rape play, any type of more emotional/psychologically intrusive play) as a healing process.  If the interrogation play went pretty far beyond anyone’s comfort zones you may be looking at weeks of healing rather than a few hours of cuddle.  Make sure you come out of the  scene giving one another the care and space you respectively need as well as making sure the top is checking in with the bottom a few day after, a week after, and possibly longer.  What might feel ok in the moment of the experience may prick the imagination of the person being interrogated and work at the fears and insecurities that already reside in that person’s psyche creating a triggered state after the scene has ended.  And it is possible to trigger the bottom during play without meaning to creating a situation where they may be looking at a longer process of healing or finding resolution than anyone set out to create.  Make sure you find one another in the aftermath supportively.

My very own dungeon torture interrogation scene:  I was interrogated by a good friend at a spy-themed kinky sex party a while back.  This was a person I was very comfortable playing with,  communicating openly with, someone I trusted and enjoyed, and who I felt I had a great creative rapport with.  We took a good couple months talking about the scene leading up to the party, covering as many negotiation points as we could think of.  Because I was planning this scene with a friend I trusted for an event that I knew I would know most of the people at, I felt very safe not knowing a certain amount of the details about how the scene would go down.  What I did know was that there would be at least one or two other people involved (and I had given my interrogator a list of trusted friends who I knew would be at the party), that the scene would be videotaped on a closed circuit camera and shown on a big TV screen in the “security surveillance room” at the party, that the scene wouldn’t be sexual in nature (but that sex could be threatened), that my physical limitations and hard limits were outlined clearly, that my scene partner knew what types of physical torture I could bear, what my emotional and psychological triggers were, and that we had a game plan for aftercare.  I had no idea what information the interrogator wanted from me, how the scene would begin or end, or what would be happening with me during the scene…

The party was a really fun success, everyone had dressed to the nines and had characters or various plans for the evening.  Before the party had really begun a someone slipped a piece of paper in my hand and I was instructed to memorize the information on it.  It was a series of numbers…  At some point early on in the night, completely out of the blue a bag was thrown over my head, I was held firmly by a couple of people, my legs and arms were quick tied, and I was slung over the shoulder of a large man and carried down to what I assumed was the venue’s dungeon space.

I couldn’t tell how many people were around me or involved in my kidnapping, but I started to recognize some of the voices around me, mainly my interrogator’s, as I was chained, hands over my head, standing, to an anchor point in the ceiling.  I was frisked, manhandled, and talked at for a time…  I can’t say my performer’s mind for script and witty repartee didn’t win out inviting my interrogator to be all the rougher and committed to his vicious role in this arrangement.  A lot of different things happened to me physically during this scene, at some point a spanking bench was employed, and various tools of the sadist’s delight…  The bag came off my head for a time, and was put back on – each time plunging me into darkness and questioning what might be coming next.  There was a bright lightbulb shone into my face upon removal of the bag, and other disorienting visual information on hand.  I realized at some point that beyond the light there was a line of chairs set up and party goers were sitting politely and with morbid fascination watching this scene unfold…  I was strapped into a bondage chair for most of the time with my head, neck, upper arms, forearms, thighs, shins, feet, and waist immobilized.  From that point the physical coercion came mostly from a Violet Wand and dog tag chain used as whipping implement (much more effective then you might think).  Outside of the physical situation though, I was surprised most by the persona of my captor.  He was easy and relaxed, slow to ask for what he wanted, friendly in his demeanor, and quick to remind me that we didn’t have to be enemies or at odds at all, it was entirely my own design if he had to resort to consequences for my failure to cooperate…  He did a really great job playing his part.  I was surprised at the mental exhaustion physical actions took.  Where usually I can bear a great deal of pain, this arrangement caused me to second guess my ability to overcome – to rethink how much I could actually resist, or even wanted to…

The scene progressed slowly and had a great arc to the storytelling.  Eventually I did utter the four numbers I had been told to memorize earlier, and I was comforted a while before being let loose to unwind and enjoy our aftercare.  I think it was a really great first interrogation scene, and I’d be happy to engage in this type of play again for sure.

Evidence of an evening well planned and beautifully played...

Evidence of an evening well planned and beautifully played…

More resources:  I’ll tell you once, and I’ll tell you a thousand times that Kink AcademyFetlife, and your local events are great places to go for more information.  The Kink Academy website hosts quite a few videos on the subject by Danorama (of the awesome duo that is Two Knotty Boys) that are quite good.  Here in New England, NELA and MOB are great resources as well.  In this instance I would really highly recommend talking with other people who have done interrogation before engaging in it yourself along with doing a fair amount of research first.  Have fun messing up your loved ones in the best and most responsible ways possible…

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

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