A perfect weekday afternoon!
We’re close to our final entry in this round of the alphabet, and so I thought it important to send along some resources that should help you think about YOU! It’s great to know you want something kinky to happen between you and your partners, but it’s even better to know exactly what you want those things to be before playing. This helps a lot when it comes time to negotiate with your partners about play, and it’s also an interesting way to keep an eye on how you yourself are evolving over time in the realm of kinky experiences…
The CEPE checklist: The CEPE checklist is an excellent way to gather your thoughts about kink. It is a 200 question BDSM checklist that asks you to rate your interest in various activities. It is often used by D-types who are trying to get to know their s-types better. After this paperwork has been completed, a quick glance at it can tell the person who is looking what types of activities you are into, not into, have as hard limits, as well as what activities you are experienced in, are a novice at, or have never tried out, and which activities you may prefer to top, bottom, or switch for. It takes a little bit of time to finish, but I think it is well worth the effort for people who are interested in having a clear place to start negotiations from.
I recommend all you interested-in-kink types look this checklist over and have a go at putting down on paper what works. I think it’s an incredibly good exercise not just for the outcome of clear talking points, but it’s an interesting way to meditate on kink – on what excites you, what does not, and what you might be curious about. The first time I did it I had the experience of realizing that a few of the options on the card I had never really considered before, so it became an inspirational tool to my dirty mind too.
[Update July 2019: I have developed my own BDSM Checklist, here’s a link to download mine if you’d like to use it]
The final moment of my “Pink” performance at “Glitterotica”. Photo by www.KristenMariePhoto.com
Games you can play: If you have a partner, here’s one of my favorite games to play… I call it “Red, Yellow, Green”, and I learned it from Carol Queen (one of my favorite people in the sexuality industry) a number of years ago when she was leading a workshop at the sexuality boutique I worked at. It goes like this:
- With your partner(s), make a list of all of the sexual/kinky/fantasy things you can think of. Don’t be shy, say them all – from the most vanilla to the most radical!
- Take a look of this list and each of you rate the activities Red, Yellow, or Green (it’s perfectly ok if you have different ratings than one another). Red indicates a “hard limit”, meaning something you don’t have any interest in doing at all. Yellow indicates a “soft limit”, or something you are curious about but have never tried before and are a little nervous about, something you’re willing to try but not that interested in, or something you will do or have done but don’t really get turned on by the idea of. Green is for go, the activities you are excited about, that turn you on, or that you’d actively like to try out.
- Now for the fun part!!! It is time for you and your partner(s) to start playing. Yes, I mean getting turned on. Play with one another until you can feel the juices flowing and the sexy filling your veins… Now pause and take a look at the list again. Go through and re-rate everything. Has anything changed? Did some yellows turn green? Are some of your reds not quite so red anymore? You don’t have to talk about it yet because…
- Start back in on the sexiness! This time work up a good sweat and stop just before you want to come/finish/explode/hit the subspace/domspace/roof/whathaveyou… Take a look at those ratings again and update anything that needs to be updated. Don’t worry about processing any of it yet though, because…
- Back to the sexy! This time ravage through the end. Just after falling into a heaping pile of post-whatever mush, look at that list and re-rate the things.
- Now to talk about it with one another… I hope you had a really enjoyable time.
I like this exercise a lot because it gives one an indication of how being turned on might change their feelings about a scene or an activity. I think this is really important information to have when negotiating. There is a general consensus in kinky play that you never re-negotiate a scene or boundaries mid-play. The reason for this is that being turned on will mess with your brains and your conscious understanding of what is and is not good for you. To avoid a negative lash-back post play, it’s important to know what kinds of things look good to you when you’re not completely sexually sober. Think about them; decide whether the activities that became more acceptable to you are actually things you are interested in exploring or not. This list will probably also help you figure out what will never be a turn on…
My experiences meditating on me: I have been described by a former lover as a “connection whore”. I’m pretty sure he was on to something, and I’ve enjoyed the phrase since hearing it. This means that when I’m connecting with someone I am much more open to them and their desires than I am when our connection is thin or nonexistent. I think this is true to a degree for most people, though I seem to take it farther and faster than many. My ability to say no, and my desire to say yes to the person I am connecting with can be a HUGE block to my rational brain – think stereotypical brainless dude aware only of his hard on and willing to do pretty much anything to get his dick wet… that’s kinda me in those moments. Because of this one of the things I let people know upfront when I’m negotiating a scene with them, is that if I’m feeling really connected to them during the scene, and I am really turned on, I will probably say yes to anything they ask. This is not to say that I won’t stand behind my actions, but to let my partner know that if they want to change any of the rules we’ve pre-negotiated or try something we haven’t talked about, that I may in fact say yes to something I’ll regret saying yes to. So, I ask my partners to please respect the boundaries that we establish before getting all worked up. This is another reason I always make sure to negotiate sexual boundaries before entering into a kink scene too. I generally don’t mix my kink and sex, and that’s a can of worms I don’t want to deal with the fallout of if someone were to be as turned on as I, and wonder if we could enter that arena during play. This is one of the major ways I respect myself, and teach my partners a little bit about what to expect.
When I filled out the CEPE checklist for the first time, I realized that there were things on there I had never considered kink activities. It was awesome! It made me think about the possibilities beyond my current fantasies. I LOVE learning new things (definitely a fetish of mine), so even just filling out that worksheet was a huge turn on.
I am currently developing a game for people interested in kink, BDSM, adventurous sex, and expanding their sensual horizons with partners… hopefully next time I post a “Y is for YOU” entry, I’ll be able to share it with you.
Dinner anyone? An example of my homework for the evening…
For further education, ideas, and kinky eye openers:
- the Kink Academy – a wonderful resource for videos, a wealth of informational blog writings, and just a great place to be. If you do check out this site and decide you’d like to sign up for a membership, please link to the site through one of my links. I am an affiliate, so if you link to them through me when you make your purchase, I’ll receive a commission off your membership as a thank you for introducing you to the site. It’s a great way to support this site.
- Fetlife – go to munches to meet the kinky people nearby, learn about various subjects by reading people’s ideas in groups, and find out what’s happening in your area
- NELA – They host the Fetish Flea convention and have their hands in a lot of the kinky goings on in New England. There should be associations like this one in many regions, if you’re not from around here, look around for yours.
I encourage you to make it personal today. Your interests, boundaries, and pleasure matter every bit as much as your partner’s regardless of your level of experience, gender, age, role in the activity, or anything else. In the end only you can know yourself well enough to advocate and negotiate in ways that make you happiest. Have fun, and have fun figuring it all out!
To Breath and Being,
~ Karin
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~Thank you.
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