Me in 2005. Photo by Lara Wolfson
I am dead tired and feel as though I have a week’s worth of deadlines and scheduled events coming to a head in these last few hours of May. Deadline upon deadline for this project or that, and most of the work isn’t paid. It must be PRIDE month coming up though because the paid gigs, on this last day of the month at least, are definitely queer.
I have two gigs in Boston today. The first is a corporate cocktail hour. I’ve been hired to be fabulously “out”, schmoozing a room full of (mostly) straight laced strangers. I’ll roam around meeting people and answer questions about gender, sexuality, and identity. The intent is to encourage allies to support the company’s participation in PRIDE this year — attend, march, contribute! Fun, but what shall I wear?
My second gig is to act in a short PSA film. The subject is conveying how important it is to recognize and support LGBT people in the workplace. It’s important not only for company morale, but for better industry.
Today I do my part for Queerdom as, “Fancy Creature: the Out and Proud Fey”. I love my job. Even though I can never just leave it at the office, and sometimes I get some kind of anxious about it, I’m proud. I’ve worked hard to create this strange niche of a working reality where I’m professionally out and am asked to talk about sex and kink, to dance and dress up, to teach genderplay and performance skills, and to support others on their own journeys discovering identity.
It also feels great to know that I’m actively “doing” something when I have gigs like these. I often feel like I’m shouting into a void or not doing enough (whatever “enough” is). I too frequently worry that I’ve let my communities down because I haven’t logged onto social media in a while, or I’ve posted too many cute face pics rather than links to hard hitting news stories with well critiqued commentary as introduction. I fear showing my depressed moments publicly, or I measure the balance of all my faces too intensely. One thing about being a minority person is that when you’re in the limelight it’s easy to feel responsible for towing a line and maintaining active and positive visibility and helpful articulation for all.
Did I ask for it? Yes (not everyone does). Exhausting? Yes. Also rewarding as fuck, scary at times, and disheartening. When sexy-funky-queerdo-glitter-parties don’t manage to equal out the emotional and educational labor put out on the daily, things can get tiring real fast. The mostly glossed over reality of Queerdom: glitter parties can’t fix everything, it’s a myth. In good news though: Unicorns are real. They usually just need respectful communication and to actually enjoy their seekers to come out and play.
People who live outside the norm can get cranky and short tempered or seem really uptight sometimes. I’m sure you’ve had your panties in a bunch about it at some point. We all have. Nothing will get someone to go from diplomacy to judgement faster than a fear of being wrong or judged for being so. It takes a lot of work to answer questions, politely yet assertively correct, articulate, explain, research, think deeply, and reflect on your own experiences in a wholistic manner all the time just to feel accepted, respected, or a like a valuable part of a community that doesn’t look like you (or seem to return the favor). Minority people are people too. While we may have more experience translating a million little things to fit our realities, and practice actual survival far too frequently, we are not necessarily better at diplomacy when feeling our feelings or asking for recognition and space.
It’s energizing and validating to be hired to dress up as myself/”Fancy Creature” at an event, or to say things I already believe and know about on camera for pay. These are wonderful examples of being valued for the social and emotional labor I manage in my personal life and in my career every day. I wish I had gigs like these more regularly.
I want to shout out to all of the people who read this blog and support me through my Patreon Campaign. On the subjects of validation and financial support: without my patrons I wouldn’t have the time or energy to write about the things I write about here. I wouldn’t have the ability to reflect on issues I care about, do further research, or to turn that work into connected conversations which invite the general public to learn and participate. If you have followed me in the past or are new, if you have recommended my writing to others, or if something I’ve written over the years has stuck with you, please become a patron yourself. Even a little amount goes a long way, and I’m grateful for those who are able to offer more.
Signing off to learn my lines and pack!
(Oh, and I need to decide what “historical femme” I want to portray in an upcoming fundraiser for sex workers effected by FOSTA/SESTA… Thoughts anyone?)
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
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~Thank you.