My Most Exhausted Moment of Excitement

Me in 2005. Photo by Lara Wolfson

I am dead tired and feel as though I have a week’s worth of deadlines and scheduled events coming to a head in these last few hours of May. Deadline upon deadline for this project or that, and most of the work isn’t paid. It must be PRIDE month coming up though because the paid gigs, on this last day of the month at least, are definitely queer.

I have two gigs in Boston today. The first is a corporate cocktail hour. I’ve been hired to be fabulously “out”, schmoozing a room full of (mostly) straight laced strangers. I’ll roam around meeting people and answer questions about gender, sexuality, and identity. The intent is to encourage allies to support the company’s participation in PRIDE this year — attend, march, contribute! Fun, but what shall I wear?

My second gig is to act in a short PSA film. The subject is conveying how important it is to recognize and support LGBT people in the workplace. It’s important not only for company morale, but for better industry.

Today I do my part for Queerdom as, “Fancy Creature: the Out and Proud Fey”. I love my job. Even though I can never just leave it at the office, and sometimes I get some kind of anxious about it, I’m proud. I’ve worked hard to create this strange niche of a working reality where I’m professionally out and am asked to talk about sex and kink, to dance and dress up, to teach genderplay and performance skills, and to support others on their own journeys discovering identity.

It also feels great to know that I’m actively “doing” something when I have gigs like these. I often feel like I’m shouting into a void or not doing enough (whatever “enough” is). I too frequently worry that I’ve let my communities down because I haven’t logged onto social media in a while, or I’ve posted too many cute face pics rather than links to hard hitting news stories with well critiqued commentary as introduction. I fear showing my depressed moments publicly, or I measure the balance of all my faces too intensely. One thing about being a minority person is that when you’re in the limelight it’s easy to feel responsible for towing a line and maintaining active and positive visibility and helpful articulation for all.

Did I ask for it? Yes (not everyone does). Exhausting? Yes. Also rewarding as fuck, scary at times, and disheartening. When sexy-funky-queerdo-glitter-parties don’t manage to equal out the emotional and educational labor put out on the daily, things can get tiring real fast. The mostly glossed over reality of Queerdom: glitter parties can’t fix everything, it’s a myth. In good news though: Unicorns are real. They usually just need respectful communication and to actually enjoy their seekers to come out and play.

People who live outside the norm can get cranky and short tempered or seem really uptight sometimes. I’m sure you’ve had your panties in a bunch about it at some point. We all have. Nothing will get someone to go from diplomacy to judgement faster than a fear of being wrong or judged for being so. It takes a lot of work to answer questions, politely yet assertively correct, articulate, explain, research, think deeply, and reflect on your own experiences in a wholistic manner all the time just to feel accepted, respected, or a like a valuable part of a community that doesn’t look like you (or seem to return the favor). Minority people are people too. While we may have more experience translating a million little things to fit our realities, and practice actual survival far too frequently, we are not necessarily better at diplomacy when feeling our feelings or asking for recognition and space.

It’s energizing and validating to be hired to dress up as myself/”Fancy Creature” at an event, or to say things I already believe and know about on camera for pay. These are wonderful examples of being valued for the social and emotional labor I manage in my personal life and in my career every day. I wish I had gigs like these more regularly.

I want to shout out to all of the people who read this blog and support me through my Patreon Campaign. On the subjects of validation and financial support: without my patrons I wouldn’t have the time or energy to write about the things I write about here. I wouldn’t have the ability to reflect on issues I care about, do further research, or to turn that work into connected conversations which invite the general public to learn and participate. If you have followed me in the past or are new, if you have recommended my writing to others, or if something I’ve written over the years has stuck with you, please become a patron yourself. Even a little amount goes a long way, and I’m grateful for those who are able to offer more.

Signing off to learn my lines and pack!

(Oh, and I need to decide what “historical femme” I want to portray in an upcoming fundraiser for sex workers effected by FOSTA/SESTA… Thoughts anyone?)

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon, or for one time: Support the Artist or email me.
~Thank you.

Sexology

Photo by Jhayne

I’m considering getting a certification in Sexology. Why? Good question. Currently the United States doesn’t legally recognize such certifications. Legally anyone can say they’re a sex coach whether they’ve had training in the field or not. In my career I’ve completed trainings, have many years of research, and have worked in various aspects of sex counseling and education. I’ve been teaching about and creating art about sex, gender, orientation, and identity for 20+ years now (what?)! Yet still, I feel like I’m “not enough”.

AASECT, the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists, does offer certification in sex therapy, sex counseling, and sex education. Each of AASECT’s certifications requires a degree in the psychology field — something which I don’t have, and am unsure if I want to find the funding for or make the time to obtain. There are also certification options which require less money and less time. Going after a certification in sex coaching seems more relevant to what I do currently, but I question if it is “enough” even if it isn’t strictly speaking, necessary?

How do I see myself functioning in a year or two from now? Right now I engage in so many different types of sexuality outreach and education I find it hard to see exactly what I’m building up for in the long run. It wouldn’t be enough to get hired to work as a legitimate therapist or to offer insurance options. It would be a start to stepping more confidently into the work I do, and perhaps learn to run the business end of my life more effectively. I love connecting with and helping the talk clients I have, and I’m glad that I work with clients in others ways as well. Lecturing at schools and with community groups, weaving aspects of sensuality and sexual dialogue into my performance art is another long standing and important way that I do this work, working with individuals as a Professional Dominant is extremely rewarding, so is writing this blog. None of it pays enough or steadily though. That is a struggle I am tired of.

At the end of the day I need to be able to sum up and understand all of the various ways that I engage in this work and decide what it is that I am doing. I don’t have a grasp on how to articulate it yet, and I think articulation is a good step toward running a business which is successful. I live the gig economy life, coupled with a degree in theater I don’t really understand anything else… I may be good at seeing other people and serving them in ways they need, however I have a spectacularly hard time seeing myself and selling.

I unendingly struggle with thinking and feeling I am not enough. I find how we organize worth on this planet confusing and hard. I get angry at how difficult it is to be taken seriously if you aren’t “playing the game” right, and often “playing the game” means being from a demographic I haven’t been born into or experience (though I’ve got it leagues easier than others too). I believe everyone has a purpose and inherent worth and that there is enough in the world to keep everyone above water. I wish it was easier to share wealth along lines of value. I know I am valuable, even if I am lost when it comes to selling my worth.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon, or for one time: Support the Artist or email me.
~Thank you.

 

In Service to Gold

My “Ropes” performance adjusted for a film scene. Photo still from the short film “Legitimate” by Izzy Lee

I’ve been trying to figure out where to put my energy these days, and it’s a little overwhelming. Moving forward in a career which I feel has no real definition other than “utilizing my talents and drive” is hard. It takes risk, and energy, and for building blocks to be invented and reinvented constantly.

I write this blog on kink, sexuaity, gender, identity, and politics. I get paid through my Patreon campaign to support it. It’s steady work even if it isn’t a lot of money, I make about $375/month. That’s not as much as I’d like, but I’m grateful to have built up to this point. Hopefully as my blog’s reach grows so will my patreon supporters. I know I need to be better at advertising and asking people to support it directly. Here’s practice: If you enjoy reading this blog, or have mentioned it to someone else, or have found yourself thinking about my writing from time to time, please consider contributing to support me through My Patron Campaign. Thank you.

I am also a professional Dominant. I don’t gig doing this very regularly. Though when I do have the opportunity to, I enjoy it extraordinarily. I am a consummate lover of connection, and have a personal fetish for being paid and feeling valued on the job. Professional Dominance highlights my interpersonal skills, natural sadomasochism, lust for research, enjoyment of teaching and challenging the people around me, love of doing things well, and affecting others. It challenges me to be fully in the moment with my client. Each scene is just that (similar to my theatrical practice), a moment in time with a beginning, middle, and end, and we rehearse these adult games, these flesh sports, these sensational experiences for so many varied reasons — definable and not. It is a fantastic ride. I do BDSM sessions, and I also train people in submission and service. I enjoy guesting at various dungeons and sceneing with other Doms when I have the opportunity to as well.

I just started camming. It’s an ok way to make some money on the side. So far other than it being a bit on the boring side, it’s entertaining enough. I enjoy private shows the most — again being a connection lover it feels more rewarding financially, conversationally, and in the moment. There’s definitely a learning curve I’m on, but it’s an interesting way to fill a few hours when I’ve got them.

I teach drag king classes, performance art skills, all about the creative process, ballet and other movement techniques, character development and acting, gender exploration workshops, sex/gender/identity lectures, sexuality education, BDSM skills, the list goes on, and I also direct. My clients are high school GSAs, colleges and universities, business companies, people who organize a group of friends to get together, individuals who approach me for help with a certain project, piece of art, personal idea, or desire. I love these gigs and feeling helpful when I’m supporting someone in a way that’s important to them, or encouraging a person to try something new, or teaching skills that are valued.

I perform my own original performance pieces for production companies, party hosts, bachelor and bachelorette parties, event coordinators, bars, theaters, and schools who hire me to be in their curriculum all over the country. I create new content, choose from a long list of performances I’ve created over the years, offer up my solo show: NO SHAME, or rework a favorite piece to be more appropriate to the particular audience I’m performing for. My work spans performance art genres from drag to burlesque, monologues, character acting, spoken word, mask, dance, puppetry, interactive characters, living statue, storytelling, physical theater, and straight up performance art. I’ve been a professional in this career since I was 11 years old, and have multiple degrees, certificates, and awards in my field.

I make art. Visual art. I’m immersed in a couple of projects currently. I create my own costumes, props, sometimes set pieces, and other objects my performance and visual art installations require. My visual art is multimedia spanning across costuming, jewelry making, puppet and doll creation, design, painting, found object manipulation, photography, animation, and whatever else I need to learn to make an idea materialize.

None of these things on their own are paying my rent. Together they are keeping me at a level barely afloat, and I wish I was not as close to my bottom line. For now it seems to be working though, and I’m grateful to be at the place I am at. It’s been a lifetime to get here. I spend a good percentage of my time doing administrative work rather than actually creatively building and gigging. Booking, negotiating, applying for opportunities, website building and maintenance, outreach, networking, research on whatever specific idea I’m currently working on, trying to maintain a reasonable social media presence, the list goes on… That’s the bulk of where my time is spent.

Do I wish I made more money and that it wasn’t so hard to stay afloat? Yes.

Do I think I’m valued by the communities of people I work with? Yes, in fact very much by some, and that feels extraordinary to me. It helps me not give up (I often feel as though I could).

Do I wish I was spending more time creating and gigging than grinding away at office duties for most of my day? Absolutely! I would love to have a booking manager/office manager supporting me by piecing this crazy career together. It’s hard to find someone with the skills I need though who’s willing to get paid gig by gig.

Am I grateful to be where I am? Very grateful. Thank you.

Thank you for reading this blog. Thank you to those of you who find ways outside of reading to support me. Thank you to people who send gigs my way, hire me directly, and think of me when they have questions about identity or sexuality, or hire me to have talk sessions or counsel them as they work toward personal goals of their own. I am passionate about these things, and all of the pieces help me grow into who I mean to be.

I don’t see the difference between art which is hanging in a gallery, the art which is my body telling a story on stage, or the beauty and gold I can cultivate and coax out of someone’s body/mind/emotional experience when we intentionally meet with a goal in mind. I love people. I admire struggle and meaning making and connection. I get excited to share what I know and what I see and explore unknowns with those interested and willing. This work is real work, and sometimes it’s hard to reckon with the reality that even attendants of fantasy and muses with far-reaching skills need to eat.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

Age Verification: www.ABCsOfKink.com addresses adult sensual and sexual information, including imagery associated with a wide variety of BDSM topics and themes. This website is available to readers who are 18+ (and/or of legal adult age within their districts). If you are 18+, please select the "Entry" button below. If you are not yet of adult age as defined by your country and state or province, please click the "Exit" link below. If you're under the age of consent, we recommend heading over to www.scarleteen.com — an awesome website, which is more appropriate to minors looking for information on these subjects. Thank you!