Hands On Pleasure and Work

July 9, 2018 by

I am starting classes in Sexological Bodywork! I’m really excited about this and looking forward to not only improving my personal practice (continuing to work on my own sexual body and health), but I’m looking forward to having more skills and deeper understandings of these subjects to help others with. This step in my education is building toward a very specific project which has been taking shape in my mind over the past 3 years. Enrolling in this self-study course (I can’t afford the interactive certification class yet) is both thrilling and affirming of my goals. If you’re interested in helping me with the certification process, or to take more of such classes, please contact me about the ways you’d like to help.

My end goal is a project which takes place at the intersection of art, sexuality, and identity. I will someday have a space of my own, crafted and laid out in such a way as to make my [audience/client/explorer/visitor] feel welcome, safe, curious, and comfortable enough to connect with me on almost any subject having to do with sensual exploration, gender, identity, behavior, etc. From our initial connection and conversations, combined with the prompts set up within my space, will come individual opportunities to learn about and create new experiences. That’s the basic gist of it. I have the final project almost fully designed and well articulated in proposal form at this point. It’s what I want to be doing as my primary occupation when I’m able to afford the building of said space.

Our bodies are the only thing we really own in this lifetime. I think it’s important to be connected with that primary source of, well, everything… We live alone, we die alone, our experiences are what we have in this lifetime. Our experiences inform us more than almost anything else in life. If people felt free to experience more, as a society we’d understand one another and be curious about one another to a level that’s currently not widely demonstrated.

I love supporting people on their journeys into the self. The ability to say, “I see you, and yes!” is an extraordinary one. I’ve been told no in my life a lot, I’ve been harmed and wronged by the enforcement of unequal treatment and disconnected expectations put upon my assigned sex and this body. To be forced to wear a shirt when half the world does not have to, to be left out of childhood wrestling matches because of the dress I have on or an idea of what I was categorically capable of, to be treated as someone else’s property instead of being approached as an individual with their own will and mind, emotional values, and physical rights while in public with a partner — I want no part in these games nor expectations. I, oldest child and proficient game creator, want to continue to make up the games I play with others, and to accept terms which feel fair and exciting to me. I will build my adult playground. If  you’re a respectful player you’re invited by when I do.

Investors, grants, and other sources of income geared toward an artist building their space, please come to me, thank you. In the meantime I will be learning. I will be practicing on and working with those of you who would like to engage in such explorations. I will be building my vision and spreading this perspective to anyone who is interested in my ideas.

Following, I illustrate some of the external reasons which reinforce these perspectives and my practices. Multitudes of examples pop up every day, here’s a recent one:

Someone on a forum I follow recently asked how to proposition a massage therapist for a happy ending. They noted that they had seen this therapist for a while and had good rapport. They mentioned they knew they could obtain such a service from other massage places around town, but at those places they would be paired with someone who they didn’t have a prior connection with, and that they might not be attracted to. These stipulations are what led this person to fantasize about a happy ending from their regular MT. They mentioned that the therapist they do see had said to them on one occasion that when anyone even brought up sexual touch during a massage her response was to walk out of the room.

My full response to this conversation is nuanced, but to begin with it is this: You don’t ask for a happy ending. Period.

It’s important to keep fantasies about coworkers and non-sexual employees in the realm of fantasy. This means you don’t get to tell your massage therapist about your fantasies or sexual desires. First of all it’s none of her business, and secondly it’s not what she’s being paid to deal with. Your MT faces losing their job, their license, their reputation, and their livelihood when you ask inappropriate questions such as “will you give me a happy ending” while they’re at work. It’s coercive (not to mention illegal) if you offer additional pay for the act, and it’s rude, opportunistic, and taking advantage of the situation not to. Additionally you put (in this case) a woman (an underprivileged person in our society and someone who, by the numbers, gets paid less for her equivalent work to men in the same position) in a rough/uncomfortable/dangerous situation while she’s at her place of employment when you ask such things.

Now, I’m not someone who thinks professional happy endings should be outlawed. But they are. People who have massage therapy schooling, licenses from years of hard work, who’ve signed off on ethics they’ve agreed to professionally uphold, school loans to pay off, and multitudes of fees paid into the system, do not want to be asked to put all of that on the line for your “dick feels”. Respect that.

Respect that.

Respect that.

Respect. That.

Full service sex workers and sensual massage practitioners are the appropriate people to ask about whether or not they’re open to giving you a happy ending as part of your massage. Intimate friends, lovers, and strangers you’re negotiating sexual conduct with are all great examples of people who are also appropriate to ask this question to. If the person you ask doesn’t offer such services or is disinterested, your job is to be gracious, thank them for fielding your question, and apologize if it made them feel uncomfortable. If you wouldn’t ask your barista for a handy because it’s inappropriate to do such a thing, don’t ask anyone else in the non-sexual service industry for one. It’s demeaning. It shows your privilege. It feels like entitlement. It can be triggering. It can effect non-sex workers very negatively personally and professionally. It communicates that you believe your sexual gratification should be considered before someone else’s safety and job security. That’s not correct, nor is it right.

Don’t be that dude. Your dick feels are not the concern of any professional woman (or person) who isn’t a sex worker. Even some sex workers aren’t interested in your dick feels (as in the case of most professional Dominants, strippers, and cam performers). The people who work at the establishments which offer that service are the appropriate (sex) workers to ask about massages which include happy endings.

Do I think your pants feels don’t matter? Not at all! I think pants feels matter very much to everyone who has them (which is a resounding vast majority of people). It’s just this thing here: we are responsible for our own bodies. No one else is. If we play well on the playground of life, other people might be interested in helping us out with our bodies. However, it’s no one’s responsibility to take care of you other than yourself. This is why we are a profoundly social species, we actually need one another, which is a huge incentive to learn how to socialize well with one another in order to get some of our social and physical needs met. However, one person’s needs don’t eclipse another person’s needs. This includes not being approached at work with sexual propositions (unless you work in the field of attending to other people’s sexual gratification).

What we’re talking about here is the importance of boundaries. Professional boundaries, personal boundaries, and sexual boundaries. Boundaries are awesome! They allow us to navigate our needs and the needs of others by defining what’s welcome and what isn’t, in various places, and with different people as we interact with one another out in the world. In the #MeToo era it’s become very clear that certain demographics of people tend to have less understanding (or awareness) about various boundaries which exist to keep other demographics of people safe, sane, healthy, and happy. These are things we’re learning more about these days. These are conversations we’re having publicly in larger and larger circles. These are ways we’re getting to know, understand, and respect one another individually to more profound levels. This is great (though perhaps not particularly easy)!

Here’s where I bring up the really important part of this conversation which is generally left out of the conversation: THIS IS EXACTLY WHY SEX WORKERS MATTER. Full Service Sex Workers (FSSW) are people who have decided to care about your pants feels and dick feels professionally. Full Service Sex Workers are the appropriate people to go to (outside of consensual personal intimacies) when you want a happy ending! There’s an entire industry of people who have decided that pants feels is what they want to dedicate their time, energy, education, and practice to. Go to them. They are a very valuable asset to our society which has demonized pants feels (regardless of the fact that most people have pants feels and would like to have some help in the pants feels department sometimes). Full Service Sex Workers matter. FSSWs work with your fantasies and desires to create a great pants feels experience for you. FSSWs are generally going to put you down gently and professionally when they don’t offer a service which you seek, and perhaps even give you a referral (especially if you’re a respectful and trusted client). FSSWs are the people you seek!

This message needs to be understood by our politicians, by our citizens, by our family members, by our congregations, and by our friends. If you value your pants feels at all (and I know you do), learn about decriminalization of sex work, and support the sexual and sensual health of your pants, our country, and the world.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon, or for one time: Support the Artist or email me.
~Thank you.

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Exploring Double Think as it Pertains to the Sexual Body

June 8, 2018 by

Do I look Different? A photo commemorating the first time I was paid to professionally Dominate!

Does a muscular man moving heavy boxes from one apartment to another deserve to be paid for his labor?

What if he’s good looking?

What if he’s friendly, and chats or flirts with you while he does his job?

What if you’re turned on watching him use his body for your benefit?

What if you specifically hired him for the job because of your attraction to him?

Why would a woman moving her body to the rhythm of music, who’s often employing years of dance training, social grooming, and a deep understanding of how to navigate social norms with an eye to her own safety, who’s certainly maintaining a physical lifestyle on and off the stage (which is what allows her to do this work in shoes which are far less than ideal), not be afforded the same obvious answer?

“I want a sugar baby relationship, but I don’t consider myself a sugar daddy, and I don’t want to date a stripper or anything like that.” This is an actual sentence someone said to me this week. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this sentiment (by far), and it comes off comically quaint, disturbing, harmful, and dripping with ignorance every time I hear it.

We pay for things we appreciate in this society. We pay with money, and frequently emotional, psychological, and intellectual labor too. Money is a part of how we literally put value on that which we admire, support, and wish to spend time with or acquire. This is a consumerist and predominantly capitalist nation, after all. There are plethora reasons individuals engage in various forms of sex work, both as workers and as clients. I would say that most of these reasons are personal, and at one point or another almost everyone has done it. Who hasn’t watched porn, read erotica, been to a strip club, paid to learn about various sexual or sensual techniques (reading books, instructional videos, and taking classes counts), or any other number of arousing activities with price tags attached?

Our culture’s limited and deeply judgmental conversation about what adults are allowed to negotiate consensually with one another in private or in spaces designed for adult sexual and sensual activity is steeped in layers of misogyny and almost always hypocritical when broken down into parts for examination.

One glaring example of this I’ll point to, is that when we talk about sex workers we’re generally not talking (or often even thinking) about male sex workers. Unless you’re a gay man (and sometimes even if you are), let’s be honest about that for a minute. Male strippers, escorts, sensual massage practitioners, full service sex workers, professional Doms, sugar babies, and pool boys — cis, trans, bi, gay, or straight — are not the people we’re characterizing as hussies, wh*res, pr*stitutes, or sluts. We don’t usually entertain thoughts of the men who service clients for money when we invoke the idea of a “sex worker”. When we do think of them it’s often with a certain emotional curiosity, eroticized amusement, as the punchline of a whimsical joke, or (often in the case of the gay community) with a certain respect of position and normalized-to-nonchalant acceptance.

Mainstream culture is literally invested in mandating that women, trans people, and people of color not have the benefit of pay when it comes to capitalization off of the objectification and sexualization of their own bodies. The only caveat to this is when someone else (usually male, and frequently white, cis, and heterosexual) is selling the product and profiting as well, as is the case with most porn production, strip clubs, brothels, and pretty much all of the advertising industry.

Historically, women, queers, and people of color have occupied the teaching, dominant, and practitioner roles when it comes to community highlighted and/or ritualized sexual exploration. Consider the histories of sacred intimates, to some extent concubines and courtesans, and the titillating romanticism surrounding Dominatrices. How can these historical practices and the archetypes which accompany them — so seemingly natural to the human condition — be traditionally maintained and yet so thoroughly and consistently demonized, subjugated, abused, killed, and terrorized? I mean, duh, “Patriarchy” — but let’s unravel that a little bit and delve into our own brains searching for clues. I offer a few musings relating to the unexamined politics and hang-ups I’ve observed many people have concerning sex work and sexual autonomy. Enjoy. And think about it:

If you believe in a woman’s autonomy but have a problem with her choosing what she can do with her body, with whom, or how much monetary value she can attach to her time and actions: you probably shouldn’t be having sex.

If you support blue-collar workers and unions, but you have a problem with sex work or are not for decriminalization of sex work: you might be a hypocrite.

If you believe in trickle down economics and entrepreneurialism, but you’re against sex work: you’re definitely a hypocrite.

If you watch porn and still think of sex work as a joke: you have a deep misunderstanding of your own desires and behaviors.

If you enjoy going to strip clubs, but wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a stripper: take a long, hard, think about what that means and why you feel that way. Do you think that people who engage in sex work don’t have sustainable private lives? That they are always promiscuous? Can’t love their partners deeply? Are cheaters? What do your answers to these questions say about you — the person who enjoys patronizing places where strippers enact their profession?

If you don’t understand that strippers, cam performers, pro Doms, full-service sex workers, sugar babies, and all the other people with jobs which require performance of sexuality of some type or another, are people with families, complicated lives, basic needs, bills to pay, and that they experience the full range of human desires and responsibilities you do: you’re dripping with misogynistic reasoning, and are probably transphobic and racist to boot. Think about how these ideas are connected and how you might want to adjust your understandings in honor of these complications.

If the idea of women doing sex work makes you uncomfortable, squicked, angry, or anything other than hopeful they have a safe life and are in a good situation, yet the idea of men doing sex work seems funny, sexy, unimaginable, or fantastical: you’re out of touch with reality and perpetuating misogyny. If you’re a woman or queer person who thinks this way, you’ll want to work on self loathing issues.

If you don’t believe sex work is work: reconsider your position. Educate yourself on how sex workers actually function in their daily lives to maintain their bottom line.

If you don’t believe that objectification should be a consensual activity and a choice to engage in or not by the individual being objectified: Go apologize to every woman, queer, POC, and other minority person you know. Seriously, think about it.

If you don’t understand the difference between legalization and decriminalization: do some research on decriminalization to understand how it works and why it’s a better, more all encompassing option for safety, meaningful infrastructure, and empowered workers and clients. Decriminalization is what sex workers want, and even what Amnesty International calls for. If you support sex workers you should care about how sex workers believe their own industries should be run.

What other thoughts, complexities, or questions come up for you while examining these subjects?

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon, or for one time: Support the Artist or email me.
~Thank you.

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Don’t be like Sally, Don’t be a SWERF

April 22, 2018 by

I am not a trust fund kid.

I didn’t have an allowance for most of my childhood. At some point I was regularly given a small amount of lunch money. It was to be used when I was hungry for food. This “allowance” was not tied to whether or not I did my chores. My social freedom was tied to whether or not I did my chores.

As I got older I started to need more money to keep up with my friends. My parents didn’t have extra income, so like most kids in low income families I was told it was time to get a job.

I am still a very low income earner, making much less than the poverty line year after year. In some ways these days, I choose to because I would rather spend my time, energy, mental, and bodily resources on being an artist instead of giving up those things up in order to have more money. Artists who aren’t commercial in their approach to art don’t usually benefit much financially. I have too much to say about sex, gender, identity, inequality, and other non-commercial realities to fit in there. Struggle is a part of my journey.

You could say I was “forced into the fast food industry” as a teenager, and then retail, and then hospitality due to poverty. I didn’t have parents with connections to well paying summer jobs, I had no uncle who I could work in “the office” for and make connections through, I had no friends whose family owned a theater I could direct or run a youth program at… If I wanted to socialize with my friends I needed to make money however I could, and after hitting the pavement with my short resume, Dairy Queen was the first realistic option I had. They were willing to work with my summer theater schedule as long as I covered my shifts if there were conflicts (though later they fired me for getting too many of my shifts covered). That was my first job. Later in life I would need money for rent and utilities and whatever I needed money for — this is our capitalist reality.

I have a specialized degree in acting, as well as continued education in my field. My career is in the arts, and I’ve also been a sexuality educator for nearly 20 years, which started as a retail job in a sex store during college. I owe lots and lots of money to college lenders, and I’m not in a financial position to pay them back. I work hard, I work with passion, and I work a lot. I’m good at what I do and I’ve fought my entire adult life to carve out enough gig-based self-employment to keep me afloat. Naturally (I am an actor, after all) some forms of sex work have made their way into my gig economy. The ways I’ve taken on sex work in my life have been mostly affirming, definitely educational, and they’ve aided me in having the time and space I need to continue doing the work I’m passionate about while supporting myself. Most recently sex work in tandem with producing my art has helped me move from living on the road in a van, to living in an apartment with more space and definitely more expenses.

Being forced into sex work because of poverty is not consent. It’s economic coercion! If women really choose prostitution, why is it mostly marginalized and disadvantaged women who do? ~Unknown SWERF

I came across this quote recently. SWERFs (Sex Work Exclusionary Radical Feminists) are a subset of people within “feminism” who believe sex workers are anti-feminist. Personally I think SWERFs and TERFs (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists) are anti-feminist. The notion that a woman (or anyone) should not have a right to autonomously choose with whom, how, and under what conditions to have sex or perform sexuality is ludacris if you call yourself a feminist.

Sex work is one of the only types of work held to this standard. Where in our national conversation about almost every minimum wage job do we ask these same questions? Who’s going around asking if the workers in factories, fast food establishments, farmers, dive restaurant wait staff, or any other backbreaking, demoralizing, or dirty job clientele needs to be freed from their undesirable situation? Instead the pacifying ideology, “A job is a job, you do what you need to do to pay the bills” is what echos when discussing the shitty parts of being the working poor — a growing class in today’s economy. It seems as though only when speaking of sex work does the conversational tone radically shift and the party line become, “Why would you resort to such a thing?!”

Let me be clear: after making money in the sex industry I am much less exhausted physically and morally than I ever was waiting tables.

Sexual autonomy is freedom. For the pyramid scheme which is capitalism to work it can’t have women, transpeople, people of color, and other marginalized plebeians “making their’s”, and thereby wriggling out from under the thumb of poverty and economic slavery. You’d never be able to control the masses if it caught on that sex work is work and some people (often marginalized and disadvantaged people) actually choose it as their industry. Add to this political circus-of-oppression a kickline of “feminists” singing a song of victimization and then letting loose the battle cry of “no cis woman ever wanted to grow up to be a sex worker!”, and there seem to be even less women standing up for women’s sexual autonomy and freedom from capitalist chains. Sex workers (of all sexes and genders) are often seen fighting for women’s sexual autonomy more openly and radically than their middle or upper class elite “intellectual” feminist counterparts. I assume this is because most sex workers know what it’s like to fight the patriarchy face to face within their own industry day in and day out without the respect of their non sex worker sisters at day’s end. I’m sure sex workers may also care less about what society has to say or whether they’ll lose their job for speaking out, though there are many other dangers in revealing your SW identity, especially today in the US. It’s hard work to peel back the layers of shame and insecurity we’ve all been vested with and walk boldly into the career choice of a sex worker, illegally or legally employed.

To answer the quote above more directly: sure, it’s not wholly untrue that frequently people choose to engage in sex work of one kind or another because of economic coercion. However if you fix the system that coerces people into entering sex work, you must then make space for and respect the people who continue to do sex work because they choose to. What then? Well, let’s actually start giving consensual adult sex workers what they want.

What sex workers want is decriminalization. Sex workers and almost all clients of sex workers want sex work to be safe, chosen, consensual, not trafficked, nor coerced. Sex workers want to be able to go to the authorities when there’s a reason to without worrying about arrest, rape, interrogation, disbelief, or any other violent manifestation of whorephobia. The “Craigslist Killer” was caught in part because sex workers were able to openly go to the police with their information during the period of time Rhode Island had decriminalized indoor sex work. Rates of STIs and rape in the general population went significantly down during this time too.

Decriminalization is a healthier legal choice within a world which has never, historically, been without sex workers. Sacred sex workers have been part of the church and played important roles in politics in past civilizations. Sex workers are often sexuality educators, and help clients who haven’t been sexually educated become so, including becoming better socialized at navigating the subject of sex within society and their own personal communities.

Sex workers want sex trafficking to end and for victims of these crimes to get the care, attention, and resources they need. Sex workers want sex traffickers and anyone else who makes adult consensual sex work unsafe dealt with by the law.

Imagine if all the people in jail for non-violent drug charges were to be let go, and instead we focused on arresting and prosecuting violent offenders, rapists, domestic abusers, and those participating in sex trafficking who are not the victims of trade. I have a feeling the prison system’s incarcerated population would on average become more white and somewhat less impoverished.

Who might be choosing sex work as their vocation in that world? Well, just like in this one, the people who are sex workers would.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support this writing and art through my Patreon campaign.
~Thank you.

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