Recently I was on call with a client and he wanted to know what I thought about his partner. He’s turned on that she’s dated extensively prior to meeting him, and has more experience than he does. He enjoys when she “plays the whore” in the bedroom. I asked him what he meant by that, and he said he likes how wild and verbal she can be. Obviously I think she sounds wonderful, but our conversation led me to muse on a few related topics.

Hand in hand with diverse experiences comes an ability to articulate thoughts and feelings on the subject more easily. Practice makes perfect. In our society, which socializes people to strive for longterm monogamy, acquiring sexual experience and feeling free to own your experiences is less commonly a topic of conversation. To speak of one’s sexual feelings and desires openly, to call a spade a spade while it’s happening in the bedroom [kitchen, or on the office floor], is a sexy practice indeed. For one to name what is happening in the moment — what is actually turning oneself and one’s partner(s) on, rather than gratuitously enacting the missionary style of sex we’re taught we’re supposed to enjoy — is a gift of affirmation.

To discover the sexual activities that please us as individuals, and for those desires to be be accepted is a powerful acknowledgement of self, of pleasure, and of a carnal reality which can be cared for without shame. It is a form of seeing and accepting another person deeply when one is able to name your turn-ons without judgement or imply wrongfulness.

So I ask this question today in reference to my client’s comment: What is a Whore (appropriately referred to as a Sex Worker)? My answer is: a Sex Worker* is a person (historically, and most commonly a woman) who is committed to deeper understanding of carnal knowledge. It is the world’s oldest profession, and one which will never (and should never) go away. Like any profession it deserves compensation. Unlike many professions it should come with hazard pay and protection by the state (rather than against it).

To “know” someone infers a level of established intimacy. It also means having shared a sexual experience with them. I do not think this is a strange double entendre. Sharing one’s sexuality is sharing oneself at the most primal and basic level there is. Consensual sexual intimacy allows our animal self space to emerge, and the lizard brain to take over. We have opportunity to shed the skin of intellectual humanity, and the pleasure of our desires may emerge and dance freely. We find ourselves looking through the eyes of love, lust, desire, caring, and vulnerability during these moments. Our vulnerable selves exposed, allows another to truly “know” who we are.

When people who I do not know approach me for sexual or sensual connection because they are attracted to how free and well versed I am in expressing my experiences with various sexual and sensual pursuits, or how articulate I can be within the subjects of desire, it is not because they are interested in pleasing me. It’s because they are interested in setting their own selves free, and they see in me the potential to experience something they themselves desire to unlock. I am a professional sex worker because I am open to, non-judging of, and excited to support other people’s journeys and needs in the sensual and sexual realms within the boundaries of my comfort and safety. It is a job. That sex work is my profession does not mean I’m not passionate about what I am doing, but make no mistake — I am doing the session for my client. A therapist does not turn around and unload their personal crisis’ on their clients, nor does a sex worker make a session about what they themselves wholly wish for within an intimate relationship. I may experience pleasure, just as any person who loves their job or practicing a skill effectively should. Just like your friend who happens to be a chef is not be expected to cook dinner every time you hang out, nor should I be expected to plan ahead and prepare myself to fulfill someone else’s desires simply because they request my audience and appreciate (or are turned on by) my photos, art, articulations, free spirit, and writing. Outside of my personal intimate relationships I require payment for my time and attention in these matters. As I should. Does a session feel like love? Yes, I would say some of the most successful connections can hold that feeling for the allotted time we spend together. A session has clear boundaries though: a price, a time limit, and a pre-negotiation about what activities are on and off limits.

I think it’s wonderful that the man I was speaking with and helping — both erotically and emotionally (as he paid me by the minute) — has a partner who helps him feel alive, turned on, excited, openly desirous, and sexually satisfied. He mentioned they were having trouble and that she told him to start seeing other people. I hope he finds methods to further support her needs, as she may not be around forever to cater to his desires. It is not a woman’s (nor a sex worker’s) job to fix or perfectly entertain anyone sexually. Sex workers do not owe you their trade skills, their passion, years of research, experiences, or fought-for freedoms garnered from a lifetime journey into and through sexual, sensual, and often violent taboos. Cherish your local sex workers. Fight for decriminalization of their long-standing vocations. Patronize them (and tip). Treat them like the wonderful and wise resources they are. Sex workers allow themselves, and so their clients, to be deeply and vulnerably cared for and known.

*The terms “whore” and “prostitute” are regarded as derogatory slurs. They are only appropriately used by full-service sex workers in reclamation of their history of misuse, violence, and abuse. The general terms, “sex worker” or “full-service sex worker”, and other words which more specifically describe the type of sex work being referred to (escort, porn star, pro Dom(me), stripper, etc.) are the appropriate ways to refer to the people in these industries.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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