Dear Creature: Rough Stuff

February 18, 2018 by

Dear Creature,
I always wanted to know what I could take. A fist to the face, stomped, kicked, whipped, held under water… Up to the person doing the beating. Maybe breaking an arm or a leg. But definitely a few fingers. ~In Eyes

In Eyes,

It’s common to wonder how much your body can take, and to fantasize about what it might be like finding the limits of what you can endure. I don’t know exactly what question you’re asking, but since this is a sentiment that a lot of people think about, and I write about BDSM, I’ll address what I hear in your statement and what ideas it brings up for me in that vein. I hope my response helps give you language to articulate your desires and find the right people to share explorations with in a risk-aware and consensual fashion. I hope that my writing aids you in wading through your impulses to sort out what you’d like to learn more about vs. those things you might not be ready for or might not actually want to experience. Since I don’t know your history or experience with BDSM or anything about your physical/emotional/mental state, I’ll write as if you were relatively new to the world of kink and are questioning what’s possible.

The first idea I want to explore is the importance of knowing the difference between reality and fantasy when approaching a scene. The things we don’t know about firsthand are a playground for the imagination, and various ideas that play well in our heads (especially in an aroused state) are not always things we actually desire to seek out or experience when we’re sensually sober or not turned on. It can be difficult to know which ideas are good ones to seek out and which ones should be relegated to the world of fantasy. Once you’ve spent some time articulating your intrigues to yourself, some questions you might want to answer are:

  • Why do I want to scene in this manner, and what do I hope to accomplish by having an experience like this? Knowing the answer to these questions may help you narrow in on what you actually want rather than a general idea for play. For example: I imagine being whipped. I wonder what that would be like, and decide I want to try bottoming for a whip Top. If I look at my motives more closely I might decide I just want to feel a whip on my skin and see what it’s like on a pain scale, or see how much of a whipping I can take. In this case I would negotiate a whipping scene with a fair amount of warm-up and with someone willing to start off slowly and build, paying attention to my need for rests, etc. On the other hand, perhaps I have a particular roleplay in mind whenever I think about being whipped, and I realize that I don’t want my skin torn or to scar from my whipping scene, instead I want to be bossed around by a “mean Governess” and have her whip me lightly over my clothes in playful punishment, which then quickly becomes a toy for teasing me and wrapping me up in it, to then be tied and groped… As you can see these are two very different scenarios, yet they’re both “whipping scenes”. Not everyone will share an interest in both scenarios, and not everyone will have the skills to engage specifically in what you’re looking for either.
  • What do I think I can endure, and what are my limits in the scenario I am pursuing? Answering this question will help you inject a bit of grounded reality into your search. It will also help you negotiate responsibly once you find a partner willing to play. Depending on the day, your current emotions, physical state, etc., you may not always answer this question the same way, but answering it even once will give you an idea about what you’re really interested in vs. what you’re less excited about, or simply will not tolerate. This is an important question to think about, articulate as well as you’re able to, and negotiate clearly to be a responsible BDSM partner. BDSM is not about violating people’s actual boundaries — even if we want it to feel that way sometimes. It’s just as important for a Top or D-type to trust their bottom or s-type as it is the other way around. This means the bottom/s-type needs to realistically know their boundaries, be willing to communicate them prior to sceneing, and be willing to speak up within scene if something needs to be addressed.
  • What are the consequences for playing in the manner I desire, and am I as excited about the potential healing process as I am the scene itself? BDSM can take a toll on our bodies, especially rough body play, impact play, and the use of sharp objects, to mention a few. Consequences from scening can include bruising, broken bones, torn/pierced/cut flesh, bleeding internally or externally, throwing up, becoming ill, STI transmission, bloodborne pathogen transmission, UTIs, physical exhaustion, nerve damage, emotional triggers, mental instability… the list goes on. Some of these consequences are dealt with simply and quickly, some take months or years to repair, and some never heal, leave their mark permanently, or create complications. Not playing safely, ignorance of the potential dangers of various activities, not communicating clearly, and not realizing something was wrong until it was too late are all occasions which have led to the death of BDSM practitioners. That’s something to consider and not take lightly. It’s useful to think about potential consequences: if being punched could break a bone, ask yourself if you are willing to deal with being in pain for the duration of the healing process or any other problems which result from that injury. Ask yourself if you want to deal with hospital bills, medication, loss of work, a few months of pain, and potential complications from one afternoon of experimentation.

There are two phrases people throw around in the BDSM community concerning styles of play: SSC and RACK. SSC stands for “Safe, Sane, and Consensual play”. This means approaching play with a solid understanding of the skills needed to “safely” do what’s been negotiated, to play “sanely”, meaning with regard for consequence and a realistic negotiation of ethics, and “consensually” meaning all that happens in play has been negotiated beforehand and agreed to by all parties. RACK stands for “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”. Consent is still a prime objective, and “risk-aware” points to approaching play with as much knowledge as possible about what is inherently risky about the scene, including what skill level is needed in order to mitigate unintended damage, awareness of the emotional/mental/physical health of the participants, what supplies should be on hand if something goes wrong, etc.

Many of the older BDSM players I know prefer the term RACK, myself included. SSC sounds nice, yet seems to promote a more innocent understanding of how to enter into a scene. I would rather play armed with the idea that I am “aware of risks” and have planned to address them as much as I know how to, than go in thinking I am “playing safe” and so am not at risk for unintended consequences. Though the ideas are generally similar, “Risk Aware” seems a more honest concept to me, and reminds me not to assume I know everything. It speaks to the amount of preparation and ongoing thoughtfulness and awareness I should expect to engage in when I scene.

  • Am I willing to take responsibility for putting myself in a situation where I may be harmed, experience intense pain, or suffer for a longer period than I imagined I would as a result of engaging in this sort of activity? The more you know about what you do and do not want to experience, the easier it is to get on the same page and negotiate something which feels great to everyone involved. If you are not willing to take responsibility for your actions, your asks, or to negotiate clearly about your boundaries with a scene partner you are not ready to play. If you are not ready to share the responsibility when accidents happen you should not play with others. If you are unwilling to speak up to end a scene when you need to, you are putting something which is your responsibility to address on someone else’s shoulders. This is not a statement about taking responsibility for predatory behaviors which violate negotiated boundaries, assault, rape, manipulation, or misuse. Those things are separate from being in a consensual scene which goes south for some reason, has an honest accident occur, or realizing halfway into it that what you thought you would enjoy is not something you want to continue to explore. In those latter instances you must be prepared to share in the responsibility of ending the scene and working with your partner to take care of any consequences resulting.
  • Am I capable of stopping a scene once it has begun (red-ing or safe-wording out) if I feel overwhelmed or change my mind about what I want? Continuing from the last question, it is very important that you are able to stop a thing when it feels too much. It is the responsibility of the Top/D-type to check-in and ask if everything is going alright, however no one can be expected to read your mind. Without clearly articulating what you need during a scene you cannot expect someone else to “just know” that you’re not into it anymore. If you are unable or unwilling to say “safeword/red/stop/mercy/slow down” or signal a scene to end in some way, you’re not a safe play partner and shouldn’t enter into play with someone who hasn’t consented to play with a person unwilling or unable to do these things.

A basic difference between abuse and BDSM lies in the ideals of consent and negotiation, as well as in taking responsibility for one’s actions. These values lead responsible Tops, Dominants, switches, subs, and bottoms to do their research about how to give and receive stimulation as safely, knowledgeably, and as ethically as they are capable of. In the BDSM community you’ll find people who play at all levels of intensity, and who have a vast array of skills. Skills in one area do not equal skills in another, and someone who has been in the scene for a very long time may or may not have the specific skills you’re looking for. Even experienced players continue to learn new tricks, take classes to improve skills they already have, and expand their knowledge about what can be done and how to do those things more safely. Some kinky activities may seem very easy and mainstream and other types of popular play many people set as hard limits without a second thought. The world of BDSM is a creative one, an inquisitive and experimental one, and one which thrives off of knowledge, practice, and growth.

If you’re interested in engaging in a scene that could end up breaking a bone, I recommend you approach someone who is studied at and skilled in rough body play. It will probably take time to find a Top or Dominant who would be willing to go that far with you. Trust works from both sides of play. The person Topping a scene which could potentially break a bone must trust that the person who is bottoming is actually consenting to that degree of stimulation, that they can handle the healing process and all it entails, and that they clearly understand and consent to potential long term consequences and complications. You will probably play with someone a number of times before you build that type of trust between you — if you find someone emotionally, mentally, and physically up for breaking someone’s bone on purpose. It may just be easier to take up boxing or find a fight club in your area…

One last thought I have regarding your letter is about the concept of it being “up to the person doing the beating”. This sentiment gives me pause, as it seems to take the responsibility of what you’re asking for off of you and putting it onto another person. It’s important to remember that at the end of the day, you have control and responsibility for your actions and instigations. You have control to stop a scene. You have control to negotiate for what you do and do not want to happen to your body. The Top/D-type may “take that control away” when you are in scene, but you, ultimately, set the pace for the scene and decide when it will end through your actions and inactions. When people speak of “consensual non-consent” in BDSM they are referring to a type of play or a relationship structure where people have agreed to allow the D-type person to “do as they wish”, and the s-type person must “obey and endure it”. These are generally scenes or arrangements with an agreed upon end time, which incorporates check-ins, utilizes stellar communication between players, and there is a safe-word in place. The emphasis is usually on the D-type deciding what type of play will happen and the s-type going along with it as far as they’re able and actually consenting to, rather than engaging in a pre-negotiated scene agreed upon by both parties. As you can imagine relationships such as these do not evolve without play partners knowing one another very well, or without a clear understanding of limits, health factors, interests, and rules in place already. Relationships like these do not happen overnight, nor do they evolve without a lot of consideration. Con-noncon requires the D-type to take on a huge amount of responsibility, and for an s-type to be very committed to managing their discipline. Far more frequently it is a fantasy rather than a regular practice, or a short term scene negotiation rather than a lifestyle choice.

Welcome to the land of figuring out how to get to the places you’re curious to find! Expect to start out slowly and to build one experience upon another. Expect to meet a variety of interesting and imaginative people who may or may not be interested in the same things you are. Expect to talk a *lot* about sex and kink and limits and be willing to process emotions and judgments and even self-shame or surprising revelations along the way. Play with awareness and play safely, responsibly, consensually, courteously, and negotiate realistically. Do your research and practice new skills. You’ll go further that way.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

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Stepping Up and Stepping Down: Let’s Dance

February 2, 2018 by

Will we put our money where our mouth is?

We are living within a new articulation of social dynamics as they pertain to sexual agency and community positions. This affects more than sexual politics too. Change is hard. The #metoo conversation has started and it is not even remotely close to over. One of the more interesting conversations circling communities that like to think of themselves as progressive, is the “people of privilege should step down and let underprivileged people start serving the community and working at higher visibility/more responsibility/better paying positions” one. Obviously there is a lot of lashback from the (mostly privileged) status quo, but there is also conversation around the idea, which I think is great. Recently I read an article on Fetlife which was not disagreeing with this position, but was basically saying “if we ask people to step down, or if there are positions to be filled (especially as a result of an abuse of power), then underprivileged people need to step up”. The article’s author then sited his experience trying to fill a role on a local committee where no women, transpeople, or POC applied. His point seemed to be “why should I relinquish power if there’s no interest from someone with less privilege to take on the position I’m relinquishing?”. I’d like to examine the meat between these ideas. Yes to both of them (privileged people should step down, and underprivileged people should step up)! Let’s figure out how we do these things effectively though, by looking at what brought about this gap in action:

First, it’s important to understand the power structure that has left minority people behind in the first place, and how that influences underprivileged people’s interest and ability to step up when a leadership role is passively open for the taking. I’m speaking of socialization and business grooming practices. Consider this: White cis men in power, men, white people, cis people, straight people, able-bodied people, people with financial privilege, and other people with privileges who are in power currently, should be actively on the lookout for people without those shared privileges and directly ask them to become involved.

Why, you may ask? Most people who are minorities, especially people who have multiple minority realities in their lived experiences have never (or have rarely) been seeked out or directly asked to contribute to communities other than their own minority ones by fulfilling leadership roles. When there’s a space to fill in a community which is historically headed by people with privilege, there is frequently not an instinctual “Oh, I should go for it, I bet I’d get hired” bell which rings for the underprivileged person with interest. This is effective socialization and there are facts and figures about how that socialization works to keep “like people” in power over time and effectively separate those with differences out of the advancement equation. If that bell does ring though, it is often immediately accompanied with a “but I’m probably not qualified”, or “will I be the only ____ on the committee, how will that feel, how much education/energy/argument with my own board will I have to engage in to feel like it’s a safe and progressive space to send my attention and time into or associate my name with?”, or “I’d love to, but it doesn’t pay and I don’t make enough money to spend a ton of my time volunteering for something right now”, or any number of things which speak to the fact that most minority people are not directly supported or groomed throughout their lives within mainstream (or even underground privileged-people-running-the-show) communities to step up. Often minority people enter various community spaces feeling somewhat isolated, feeling “other”, feeling less powerful, feeling unheard, making constant accomodations for various levels of ignorance or outright bigotry they find themselves surrounded by, etc. It does actually take more energy for a person without certain privileges to hang out for any length of time in a room full of people with privilege than the other way around. I speak from the perspective of someone who has some privileges and not others. I have been the privileged person amongst others with similar privileges in many rooms, and I have been the minority person surrounded by people who didn’t understand what it was like to constantly deflect conversations, read and evaluate body language, check my safety situation, educate instead of freely converse, decipher whether or not it was safe to be out about certain conversational topics or should I remain quiet about my reality (if that was even an option)… The list goes on. It is tiring. It is hard. It is a skillbuilding opportunity. It doesn’t make me feel as though I should make my way to the head of the room and start speaking out.

In the performance art world I frequently hear people with privilege echo this same perspective: I want more ___ people at my event, why aren’t they showing up in droves?!

As a producer, director, and teacher the only answer I have is this: You haven’t literally gone to ___ spaces and let ___ people know they are a valued asset in your space. You haven’t directly gone out of your way looking to hire ___ people, or actually hired ___ people if you had a chance to. You haven’t made sure to smile at or approach ___ people when they did come to your events and make certain they felt seen, welcome, heard, valued, and safe. These are actual actions you can take to help ___ people want to be in your space. Once ___ people want to be in your space they often bring their ___ friends.

I understand that this may sound like unreasonable work to do — after all people are submitting themselves to your ad for leadership already (privileged people mostly or entirely) — so why should you have to seek out people who aren’t just applying like all those privileged folks are? Please consider that when you are one of the few ___ people in a room, the chances that you feel freely welcome to take over that room (should an opportunity arise), is much less taken for granted and is actually more personally and sense-of-communally complicated for the ___ person than for the person with privilege(s). Therefore attention to those truths is a part of this conversation.

I absolutely vote for ___ people stepping up. I also think it’s important for ___ people to be directly cultivated and warmly invited by the current privileged powers-that-be to step up when the time comes. This is how we much more quickly approach balance and do something actively to disintegrate and restructure a cis white heteronormative patriarchal hierarchy (cough *pyramid scheme* cough) which currently serves no one wholistically in reality, but we’re so used to moving within it, has started to feel like the air we breathe or the matter the universe is made up of.

I would love to be groomed for greatness and community service at an organizing level personally. I also have no idea how I would begin to feel safe, listened to, and as though people were interested enough in my thoughts for me to put my hat in most rings when I do see an ad up. Being asked by someone well respected and already involved in the power structure of that community would do a lot towards bridging that gap. These are real world complexities to consider.

In a conversation about community balancing itself through thoughtful action based in behavior modification, it’s hard to feel as a though someone who is comfortable in their position must “give up” something they value. I think of it like this: in a family when you notice someone not participating to the level they are capable of for whatever reason, you can act as a family participant and help them find their niche even if it means inviting them to do some of the jobs you enjoy doing. You don’t go on whining about how you’re both basically the same (the “we’re all human” tantrum) so that you can staunchly keep doing whatever you want to do and not contribute to the balancing of family industry. We must work together to shift the burden of a system we’ve taken for granted for too long, and change it into something which benefits us all.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

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Making Up Games

January 20, 2018 by

Looking for a fun afternoon? Let me help you with that…

I love playing games. Well, that’s not always true I’m still lukewarm on board games, but that’s due to growing up around people who were both sore losers and sore winners. I have found friendly adult gamers to be good therapeutic treatment for my old anxieties. Other games though, the imaginative and physical kinds you make up, those have always been “my thing”. I’m an oldest child with creativity to spare and was often called on to come up with games for the kids to play when I was young. I love entertaining and impishly instigating so it usually worked out pretty well. Noticing what activities switch individuals on and off taught me how to elaborate on what’s already happening to unexpected and even more enjoyable ends — a beautiful cross between character study and a personalized invitation to the land of make-believe.

Whether I was coming up with new versions of tag and capture games, running around the yard shouting instructions to spin until we all fall down, or acting as chief instigator, challenger, dare prompter, impish confession procurer…, I was at my best imagining anything and everything I could to build and hold the tension between myself and another individual or the group of friends playing. I’ve always had a high tolerance for play (higher than most maybe) and would often outlast my friends as I’d get wrapped up in this or that goal, trying to make each time we played better than the last. It’s no surprise that I’ve built my career performing, writing, and directing.

As a Dominant person too, I find myself at the front of the adult playroom shouting orders and daring my playmates to do things they might not know they want, but enjoy the challenge of being commanded to do. My clownish tendencies have a history of being popular at sexy parties, and more than once I’ve helped break the ice in a room with too many shy people, introverts, or submissives waiting for some sort of action to begin.

What I find funny about this is that when it comes to “sex”, I’m usually the opposite. I have no idea how to engage in random acts of sexual activity or get that type of play started quickly. I enjoy watching others hedonistically take the wheel there, and always find I’m in awe of how my friends can jump into those things so easily. It reminds me of when I was growing up and discovering sex and foreplay for the first time. I thought the tease, the seductive power to make someone react to my touch or intent, games of denial, edging, sensation play, sensual and daring games, starting intimate and often deeply vulnerable conversations, and pretty much everything other than fucking and sucking made me feel delicious and sexy and turned on. Fucking and sucking has historically seemed like the end of the road to me, and not one I even desire usually: what you do when you’re ready to be done with it, if you must do something. So, kink-sensual it is for me I suppose, which is something I’ve come to understand more clearly over time. I’m learning to be glad that I’m wired this way.

These days I offer kinky games online for my clients, partners, and playfellows. I wholly delight in this employ. Through games I get to know people better, create intimate, fascinating, and often educational connections where there were none before, and my brain imaginatively elaborates on each player’s responses to my challenges. My play partner’s interests, said and unsaid, are clues to possibility about where we might go from this round into the next. My games can serve as a fun way to vet people for in-person play at times, and it’s a much less expensive way to play with me in the context of Professional Domination. If I’m pleased by the way a player plays out our game, I offer a reward at the end of each round.

My games remind me about my own value as Ringmaster, and inspire me to learn more and to better improve my offerings and Dominant manner. I can see clearly how someone who aches to be seen, used, or challenged gets turned on, calms and centers, or is pleased themselves when asked to please me. My goal is always to cultivate a healthy and fun connection, and to try achieving the intimacy and tension of a sexy confessional for those for whom distance or circumstance will not support playing with me face to face. Players are able to opt in or out of rounds depending on their limits and interests. My games are meant to be fodder for imagination, intellectual and sensual pleasure, roads to new experiences, and tension buiders which will hopefully leave us all wanting more.

If you’re interested in playing games with me, fill out the form on my contact page and let me know a little about what your interests are. I’ll let you know how to get involved. I hope to hear from you. I really love to play.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

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