Whose Needs and Boundaries Count?

April 1, 2019 by

Fear, shame, paranoia, guilt, judgement, desperate cravings: I’ve experienced each of these when considering my sexuality, advocating for my sexual needs and boundaries, or considering my worth within other people’s sexual desires or esteem.

Joy, compersion, pleasure, wholeness, happiness, bliss, excitement, fulfillment, inspiration, creativity, peace: I’ve experienced each of these while connecting with myself and with others sexually and sensually. These feelings don’t come from the experience of having an orgasm necessarily (though orgasm can be a wonderful mood elevator). These feelings are rooted in acceptance, in a biological chemical-rebalance brought on by intimacy, in stress relief after the build up of sexual neglect, and from servicing my body, emotions, and mind as I feel I need to. These feelings come to me when I’m serving someone else’s sexuality effectively as well.

Sex workers of all stripes offer an opportunity for positive emotions in a world which would split the needs of the body apart from an understanding of the heart or acceptance of one’s mind. Sex workers are part of the solution to healing a sexually repressive divide-and-conquer (not to mention patriarchal and misogynistic) world structure.

Who better to offer insight about sexuality, or demonstrate positivity surrounding one’s most primal sexual and sensual desires, then sex workers? Sex workers (male, female, and trans) are in the business of showing us that there are many ways to interact with our sensual lives and fantasies other than through the limitations of enculturated fear, shame, paranoia, guilt, judgement, and desperation. How many people seek out the services of same-sex sex workers in effort to satisfy a curiosity or desire which feels inaccessible in their daily environments or relationships? How many people seek out the services of sex workers to access a sense of their own sexual adventure outside the bounds of what they believe to be acceptable to their partners, families, or friends? Sex workers offer help and (often) pleasure to people who:

  • have sexual trauma in their past
  • aren’t in relationships yet still desire sexual release in an ethical and emotionally responsible manner with others
  • simply want or need to get off with less interpersonal complications in the equation
  • want to try something new with a person who’s an expert in that particular kink or sex act
  • are too shy or fearful to ask for a specific sex act from a loved one
  • don’t want to threaten their primary relationship but happen to be sexually incompatible with that partner
  • want to experience a sexual or sensual act themselves so they can more fully understand or embody it while playing with others
  • value the skill level a sex worker might have in their particular area of expertise
  • simply adore the aesthetics of a sex worker doing their job
  • …there are as many reasons to see a sex worker as the number of clients who see sex workers.

It has always been so, and will continue to be so until the end of capitalism—a structure which equates money with survival, and so money with time, skill, opportunity, and livelihood.

I was having sex with a female partner of mine recently, and as we laid back afterward (I don’t remember if I orgasmed or not) I felt an overwhelming satisfaction and joy in my body. Peace and happiness. I was tickled, in that moment, by the idea that anyone would have anything negative to say about same-sex sexual play. It’s so natural to touch a body (any consenting body) with love and to have that body respond with ever-increasing joy. It’s nothing but a severe programming against this reality, combined with a lack of honest exposure, which leads a person (and so nations) to believe the consensual and loving touch of another human is somehow categorically wrong because of their sex or gender. There are no predetermined categories of people I shouldn’t be allowed to interact with within the boundaries of adult consent. I was surprised that I hadn’t had that specific thought before, and I laughed out loud, shaking my head at the individuals who spend time eschewing such beautiful and joyful activities as sharing pleasure with a similarly-sexed body. May they come to the Gods/Goddesses/Deities/Divine in the name of de-stigmatized pleasure themselves one day.

I believe this applies to all healthily negotiated sexual connection between consenting adults. There are no combinations of bodies that should be demeaned for seeking joy. No body is born outside the birthright of pleasure. This world is harsh, and we must fight against our individual pursuits of happiness being warped into guilt or shame for not looking like what society has deemed its comfort level looks like. When consenting adults are non-harmfully seeking out connection, provided under whichever negotiations make sense between themselves, they are pursuing a facet of what they have been put on this Earth to do.

I once had a female client. She wanted an experience that would be healing, connective, sexy, and fun. She was coming out of a longterm relationship which had been sexless for a long time with someone she hadn’t felt attractive to or turned on around for a while. Her search for people on dating websites fell flat, nothing seemed to fit. She wanted to know that the person she’d be connecting with sexually/sensually had her needs in mind, rather than negotiating pleasing someone else at the same time. She was curious about her own sexual inventory at the moment, and wanted to remind herself of her own adventurous spirit from the past—to connect with the body and desires she’d known before shutting down. She’s dated trans men and sex workers in the past, and thought it might be a good idea to find a sex worker to help fulfill her needs. She found me. My mission as a sex worker was to help her awaken, feel sexy, and remember what it’s like to be open, wanting, and happy as an autonomous sexual adult.

Under the laws of Rhode Island I cannot receive money for sexual conduct:

§ 11-34.1-1. Definitions
The following words and phrases, when used in this chapter, have the following meanings:
(1) “Sexual conduct” means sexual intercourse, cunnilingus, fellatio, anal intercourse, and digital intrusion or intrusion by any object into the genital opening or anal opening of another person’s body, or the stimulation by hand of another’s genitals for the purposes of arousing or gratifying the sexual desire of either person.
(2) “Commercial sexual activity” means any sexual conduct which is performed or promised in return for a fee.
(3) “Fee” means any thing of monetary value, including but not limited to money, given as consideration for sexual conduct.

https://casetext.com/statute/general-laws-of-rhode-island/title_11_-_criminal_offenses/chapter-11-341-commercial-sexual-activity/11-341-1-definitions

So, instead of the obvious ways one most frequently connects to their sex, we were challenged to explore other ways the sensual and sexual body can be appeased—without initiating any legally defined “sexual conduct”…

Perhaps kissing, frottage, scissoring, nipple play, hair grabbing, hair brushing, scalp massage, earlobe sucking, fingernails exploring the skin, tickling, breathing together, impact play, spanking, wax play, body worship, pinching, twisting, rough body play, bondage, mummification, wrestling, humiliation, seduction, striptease, CPNP (clothed person/naked person), humming into the ear, bathing, eating, cuddles, watching porn, mutual masturbation, D/s service, foot massage, torture, sliding skin on skin, S/m, discipline, rope tying, blindfolds, eye gazing, water sports, stress positions, sploshing, role play, lingerie wearing, dirty talk, rolling around, commands, licking the body, biting, violet wands, evil sticks, whartenberg wheels, fur and claw mitts, feathers, self-“intrusion” digitally or with objects (vibrating and non), reading erotica, dressing and undressing, verbal affirmation, objectification, body appreciation, flogging, caging, confining, whipping, feeding, clothespins, clamps, heat, ice, wet, dry, shaving, pressure point activation, dancing, quizzing, punishing, rewarding, meditating, giving, taking, holding, tenderness, energetic exchange, energetic fucking, egging on, self-induced-edging-by-command, crossdressing, hugging, …

But also: why? Why is it mandated this way, so ridiculously tritely? Why these specific checklists of acceptable and unacceptable? To my math, it’s ethically wrong to limit the expression of a person’s desire or needs when engaged in by consenting adults advocating for what’s right for themselves and their bodies. It’s infantilizing to believe that the law or legislators understand each person’s most private body and mind, sexual history, or needs better than they themselves might. It’s criminal to stop a human from finding their sexual joy by way of responsibly negotiated exploration. It’s unthinkable to make it even harder to heal from trauma in a safe space from the method of one’s own choosing.

The only defense we seem to listen to depicting why sex workers are valuable calls out people with disabilities. While this is absolutely an important point within discourse, I’d like to call out the hypocrisy of stopping the conversation there. Perhaps as a society we too are disabled when it comes to an understanding and acceptance of our own sexual selves? Abuse runs rampant in our culture. Misogyny, religious and political sex-shaming abounds. Sex has become a literal crime for both consenting and non-consenting parties. This is not how we were born to be; this is how we have been taught to get by. One’s birthright to their adult body, to their individually expressed non-harmful sexuality, to choosing for themselves what’s correct, has been stolen by way of repression and social controls within a patriarchal and misogynistic paradigm. It is not consensual sex work between adults which is in the wrong.

Pay attention to the conversations about decriminalization of sex work we’re having these days: Sex workers are asking for decriminalization of their careers for themselves and for their clients. Listen to the stories of sex workers, their reasonings, and their knowledge on the subject of how their industries work. Trust sex workers when they speak of their own choices, businesses, and lives. Consider paying a sex worker for their time and expertise to sit down with you and tell you about why they’ve made the decisions they’ve made in their lives, what they like and do not like about their situations, and what they know of the situations of others. Don’t chose pity over respect, educate yourself further… choose to ask and listen and learn instead of prescribe meaning.

The conversations about sex work our communities are having right now are not simple, and there are many perspectives and experiences to consider that feed into these dialogues. Keep in mind that a conversation about sex work is not a conversation about sex trafficking, and that when we speak of sex worker rights the last thing any sex worker wants is a world where anyone is violated in that way. There must be a clear understanding and delineation between the realities of sex workers who choose their employ and people who are forced, tricked, held, or coerced into sexual service. It’s important to serve and protect those who are abused, yet by conflating these identities and situations we invest solely in confusion and an opportunity for further abuse appears on every side.

Read articles that sex workers point to about their industries rather than believing ones written by anti-sex work propagandists.

Consider how we can better serve all the people in our communities most effectively.

Consider that we must each deconstruct and be in conversation with our own repressed or maligned sexualities, and often must sit in the discomfort of not understanding it all, in order to make room for meaningful progress forward as a whole society.

Consider which people have the privilege not to hire a sex worker.

Consider which people hire sex workers because it is their privilege to do so.

Consider who doesn’t have much privilege concerning their own sexual growth, and why they might benefit from the services of a sex worker.

Consider that if anyone doesn’t like sex work, they simply don’t have to engage in it.

Consider that no one has the right to control another person’s body, choices, needs, lifestyle, or sexual journey.

Simply consider it all. Make some room for the conversation.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please visit my Patreon, offer one time Support or email me for other options. Thank you.

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Tethered Together

March 17, 2019 by

Yesterday I attended Tethered Together, a new rope convention in New England. It includes dungeon space, BDSM venders, stellar workshops and presenters, an art show, performances, and it was rope, kink, and circus themed! Tethered Together stepped up to fill the rope enthusiast’s hole left when Bound in Boston closed shop last year, and is engineered by two wonderful women, Skyla and Ozma.

I love that this con is majorly authored and run by women, and it shows its queerness in spades. It had the warm family feel of a Bound in Boston event, but was also different. I saw many familiar faces and a lot of new ones. It seemed there was a more diverse group of people in attendance than I’ve seen at most New England kinky cons, which was awesome. They offered a wide variety of classes and spaces to learn, practice, and play such as:

  • circus arts classes
  • body movement practices
  • sex magick
  • yoga
  • CBT and micro-bondage
  • rope games
  • the traditional suspension-related faire
  • tips from sadistic to sensual fun
  • forming relationship through rope ideas…

I loved attending a more practical class too, on how to host a sex party, and there was sooooo much more that I missed out on!

I was only able to attend for a day this time, but it’s a three day event with dungeon space open each evening—and the dungeon spaces were wonderful. I enjoyed Tethered Togethers’ attention to lighting and mood. They set up an abundance of structures for suspension, and also furniture for different types of play like a chain wall, massage tables, and spanking benches. All of that was laid out in one huge room, and there were spaces to play out in the open around the conference space. This team did an incredible job of making the hotel feel friendly, sexy, inviting, fun, playful, safe, and interesting. I have no bad things to say other than not all classroom spaces are created equal (but that’s on the hotel, not the conference itself). In fact, having been to a number of cons at this particular hotel, I enjoyed this set up the most in terms of finding everything, accessibility, and the opportunity to just plop down somewhere and chill in the middle of a long day of learning and play.

I’m really look forward to getting myself out for the full weekend next time their event comes to town—hopefully next time I’ll even have time to get involved. To the Tethered Together team I say, Congratulations! You made something wonderful and I can’t wait to experience your thoughtful and sexy space again.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please visit my Patreon, offer one time Support or email me for other options. Thank you.

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Consent and Coercion

March 13, 2019 by
Pen and ink by Creature Karin Webb

In this era of #MeToo it’s hard not to talk about consent, negotiation, and coercive behaviors as we address the idea of a healthy sexuality and what sexual behaviors we’d like to cultivate moving forward. Alongside these discussions it’s natural to wonder, recount, or perhaps even worry whether you yourself have leaned on past lovers in ways which felt sexually coercive. Chances are the vast majority of us (especially of a certain age) have at some point along our sexual journey engaged in sexual negotiation using conscious or unconscious forms of coercion to get what we wanted.

For many women (cis, trans, NB) and others it may feel as though our entire experience of sexuality has existed within the confines of coercion as a present or expected element effecting our negotiations and exploration. Certainly it’s easy to feel this way even in non-sexual spaces daily—constant judgment and commenting from people who profit off the male gaze, a society rife with patriarchally-fueled marginalization which undermines livelihood for many, and a persistent pressure from the media to mirror inauthentic standards of behavior, dress, and presentation in exchange for safety (physical autonomy, social mobility, and provision of basic needs). In situations where males, men, more privileged people, hierarchical partnerships, or D/s dynamics are present in the negotiation room, these stressors are naturally present, even if below the conscious surface.

There are too many sexual assault and abuse survivors in our world, and the consequences of this treatment can be deeply rooted in one’s mind, emotions, and body. Sexual negotiation is not a thing everyone has equal access to as a direct or easy conversation. After experiencing sexuality through the lens of a coercion (especially consistently or violently), it can be hard to approach negotiation outside the confines of expecting coercion: survival mode. There are many people who want to process their histories of coercion (received or acted on) in order to move beyond, to heal, and to enjoy power imbalances safely and consensually. How do people regain control of their narratives and come together in healthy ways?

Consider that being a pushover plays into unhealthy exchange, and can be coercive in its own sense. We must take responsibility for the things we want, what we enjoy, what we desire, and our boundaries. Even if it’s hard to articulate these things (it often is), it’s important to rise to the occasion for yourself and also for the health of your partners. For example: if I desire to be treated primally without overt consent in a sexual situation; if I desire to have my boundaries challenged as a way to enjoy or access sex in ways I feel unable to access it outside of those parameters; if I desire (for example) breeding or the threat of breeding in my scene—I must do the work to get over my shame and other repressive blocks (including trauma) concerning these desires, and I must ask for them as I want them to be done. Otherwise I risk feeding into and helping maintain dangerous community standards which play into ideas like “boys will be boys”, “she was dressed like she wanted it”, and “they didn’t say “no””. A silent push to trigger a partner’s aggression or instigate boundary pushing can certainly perpetuate unhealthy communication and risky behaviors in both myself and my partners.

Is it the sole responsibility of the person who desires coercion to speak up? No. As the bottom in that scene I may have a hard time saying, “I want you to tie me down and fuck me like an animal”, however it’s of utmost importance that the top in this dynamic is able to say, “I really want to ravage you right now, and I feel like you want that too, but I need to make sure you’re into it and that you’ll let me know when you’re overwhelmed or I’m getting near your limits” and, “I really want to come inside you but I need express permission to do that first”, or any other number of questions which acknowledge the edgy play at hand and the potential consequences of pushing forward without acknowledgement and agreement. With these words one must also be able to receive the answer vocally while also reading body language and any energetic reactions given in reply. It’s not enough just to say the words and listen for the answer you want to hear—or the absence of a negative. One must try to understand their partner as a whole person who may have a hard time articulating the word “no” but may still be saying it in other ways. If we care for one another’s well-beings, we must care that specifically.

Everyone has different limits, and those limits can change at the drop of a hat depending on a great number of factors. A good example of this is when my lizard brain and hormone monster are turned up and wanting. I know that I don’t have the same opinion of what’s acceptable as I do when I’m not turned on and not in a sexy headspace. My intelligent sex educator brain knows the ins and outs of risk factors, STI contraction possibilities, pregnancy risks, and emotional or mental health fallout possible from giving my body to someone to do what they wish without boundaries. When I’m in the altered headspace of amped up hormones and piqued sexual arousal I don’t make the best longterm decisions. I know this about myself. Add in substance use (even a little to relax) and my decision making is definitely impaired by my own sober values and standards. This is why I negotiate with people about sexual play before being in the midst of play itself, and I check in with people when I feel the need to during play. I negotiate before getting the juices flowing in order not to coerce others or to push past my own boundaries in unhealthy ways when I’m not thinking straight. This helps me enjoy the moments I get myself into more fully too—especially knowing I have a partner I trust will stop if I say the word or pull away.

One of the best tools I have at my disposal is this understanding of the disparity between turned on me and “rational” me. When I negotiate a kink scene with someone (sexual or nonsexual) I mention this fact as a negotiation point, “when I’m really turned on I want things that I won’t be happy about afterward if they come to pass. I’ll take responsibility for my “yes” in the moment if I give you one, but I will feel taken advantage of afterward if that’s the situation I’m confronted with by you. Don’t do that”. This means that if we negotiate “no sex”, “no oral/anal”, “no marks”, or anything else right now, OR if the desire to try something mid-scene which we haven’t talked about feels like a good idea, that we agree not to engage in that behavior. Period. If we realize we have great sexual chemistry, or that thing we didn’t negotiate seemed really sexy during play, we can always renegotiate to include that type of play next time. If someone is compelling enough to engage in a healthy consensual-non-consent scene with or to push boundaries with, they’re worthy of scening with more than once.

Sexual healing is real. The human brain is capable of reworking trauma by reliving negative experiences within controlled and desired circumstances. The human brain is great at sexualizing harmful experiences as a way of moving away from being capsized by fear. When something harms us, a natural human instinct is curiosity—learning as much as possible about that thing in order to better understand it, control our responses, mitigate the effects of any potential re-exposure, or simply live with less fear when the trigger is or isn’t present.

Our most primitive interactions with one another, those ruled by the lizard brain, assure the race will continue. Through sexual and sensual concourse (from concurs: [latin] run together, met), we have opportunity to both give and get in ways we cannot experience alone. As we meet, as we run together, let’s practice the gift of naming our desires, our limits, and those little bugs under the skin we call shame. The body heals, scars hang around, and some fade away. If we are going to be better as a society, if we are going to turn the tides against misogyny, repression, and control tactics authored by internalized shame, we must shine light on the dark corners of our desires. We must decide what we would like to do with them. We must move forward alongside one another thoughtfully and articulately. We must not let fear and silence control our appetites or behaviors.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please visit my Patreon, offer one time Support or email me for other options. Thank you.

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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