O is for ORGASM CONTROL

afterglow

Photo by M

I’m quite excited about this topic, sex geek that I am, because it marries so well sexual technique and devious kinky desires!  Orgasm control is a technique with many names in the sexuality education community.  Books have been written about it, and it is generally agreed that this technique is a wonderful way to help people have longer lasting and more enjoyable orgasms.  Obviously in the hands of the kinky community, creative applications are numerous and rewarding in slightly different ways as well.

So…  what IS Orgasm Control?  Edging, surfing, prolonged orgasm, being a tease…  the list goes on, and the technique is employed across the board.  Basically it goes a little like this:  You build yourself (or your partner) up to the point of orgasm without climaxing, without going over the edge, then you stop.  Repeat as many times as you like.  This technique can be used in partnered sex or during your very own alone time, and what it does usually is make the final release of your orgasm (when you finally do let yourself go over that edge) a much more intense experience.  It allows you to build your sexual energy and desire for release up to an extent that will feel oh-so-great!  None of that instant gratification quickie style orgasming here, only good old fashioned slow sex, homemade the way your grandparents did it.

Why is Orgasm Control Kinky?  Well, application, my Dear Readers, application!  Why is anything kinky:  because you make it so.  There are pretty common kinky applications of this technique like

  • Incorporating chastity play into the mix and making your playfellow “edge” a certain number of times without release over a long period of time (minutes, hours, days…)
  • Training your sub to always ask permission to come
  • Love of control / Love of submission
  • To train your partner to elongate the amount of time they can be stimulated before coming
  • To train your body to separate orgasm from ejaculation (if you always do them at the same time)
  • There is another form of Orgasm Control that a lot of kinky people employ which has an ultimate goal of training the sub to orgasm on verbal command, rather than from physical touch (though this is a lot trickier to accomplish and requires a lot of different techniques over a period of time that may or may not end up being for naught)
  • Because it’s a fun game, and isn’t that the real reason we’re kinky to begin with?

My control issues:  I have been in a relationship where I was told I was not allowed to come without permission.  It was awesome, actually, and surprisingly emotional at times.  To put my love, my physical reactions, respect and obedience, and ultimately my trust that my pleasure would be valued to the point that my orgasm should be put into the hands of my partner, was a tall order.  A tall order though, that paid off in a lot of pleasure, trust, and bonding.

There were times I wanted to defy the “no” I received when I was about to climax and every cell in my body wanted to scream “COME ON?!!!!”, and there were times I wanted to cry, and then there were times I felt privileged to have this person near my body caring so exquisitely about my journey during our intimacy.  Those moments made everything beautiful, made everything fall into place in my heart, my breath, my body.  I wanted this.

Masturbation is another area I’ve successfully used this technique, and I have to say that every time I end up wasted, happy, centered, and breathing!  Alive!  I highly recommend the treat when you want to give yourself the time, or the gift if you want to give your partner a challenge (NOTHING wrong with being told “you need to edge 7 times today before I see you next”…  you might just go for 20…  just sayin’).

Things to consider:  Consent.  Any time you want to take anyone’s pleasure in hand, consent and information about what works and doesn’t work for the person is really important – we want this to stay sexy, right?  For example, one thing I realized while negotiating orgasm control with my partner was that because I have a hard time coming to orgasm to begin with, coupling orgasm control with chastity play where I wouldn’t be allowed to release was a limit for me.  My partner doesn’t have the same psychological or emotional reactions to giving over control of an orgasm, and so that idea hadn’t seemed like a tricky one to navigate.  It was a really good thing we able to communicate about those things and find what about the idea worked for both of us.  Research.  Also consider watching videos, reading articles or books, and checking out other sources of information about orgasm control if you want to get more heavily into it.  Start Slowly.  And check in often or talk about what’s working and what isn’t working as you go.  Adjust for greatest pleasure!  Go team!

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

M is for MUMMIFICATION

Photo by André

I realized this past Monday that touring has addled my brains and I completely skipped over “M” last week.  So, this Friday we look at one of the most curious and persistent fetishes I’ve come across in my time playing in or around the kink scene:  Mummification!

Mummifi-what?!?!  Good question, this is a pretty action/emotion/trust-packed activity in the world of kink.  The amount of trust you need to have with your partner for an activity like this one is a pretty high.  Mummification is physically debilitating effecting even the bottom’s breathing, and is heavy on the sensory deprivation scale – not for the faint of heart, definitely not for the claustrophobic.  For those claustrophiliacs out there though, this may become a favorite activity.

Things to think about:  There is a lot to consider when entering into the mummification arena.  You want to make sure you know about anatomy and that you aren’t binding your mummy too tightly in certain areas.  You need to consider the rise and fall of the breath and that you will be constricting that breath to a certain extent when taping the chest region.  Think about how extremely you are limiting your mummy’s senses too.  Sensory deprivation is best done in degrees and if you are playing with someone who isn’t used to losing one or two senses to begin with, being completely mummified and immobile will be a shock to them that may not be tolerable.  I would say mummification is an emotional event too.  Your connection with your play partner matters a great deal when you are giving up complete control of your body.  Trust is integral to a healthy process.  Have a safeword agreed upon in the form of a hum or grunt, so that you can continue to communicate clearly with one another during your scene.  You might want to think about whether you want the head to be mummified or not, and if you do but have a lack of experience think about starting out using a hood or blindfold rather than mummifying that body part on your own.  You’ll want to think about the materials you’re using too.  What type of plastic wrap do you like, and in what quantities do you want to buy it in?  You can get some types at the grocery store, others at a local UHaul or packing supply place, and others you’ll have to order in bulk online…  You’ll need duct tape or another type of tape to create structure and a thicker bind to your wrapping.  Think about aesthetics too, do you want a form fitted mummy, a multi-colored one?  Choose your materials for look as well as workability if you like.  Last but definitely not least consider what types of play you’d like to employ when the mummy is wrapped.  Do you want body parts accessible to you or toys, do you want to strap the body to a board to stop it from moving even a little, are you going to cut holes in the encasement for nipple play, CBT, vibrator access, hands, or just body part visibility?

AND BEFORE YOU START: OWN SAFETY SCISSORS (you can get them even cheaper at your local drugstore probably)!  These are probably the most important tool for what you’re going to do.  They will allow you to cut away the encasement without cutting your play partner.  Remember, don’t break your human toys or you can’t play with them anymore.

Mummifying Me:  Mummification has been an interesting touchstone for me when it comes to kink.  I wrote in a prior entry about my first real brush with kink where I was invited during a play party to participate in a mummification scene.  Just being a helper in that scene spun my head around and made me rethink what sex could be, and what turned on really was…  So, when I decided that it was time to write this blog, I knew that mummification was an “M” I wanted to expound on and experience further.

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I am lucky enough to have a friend who is very much into mummification and all sorts of bondage.  We got talking one day, and decided to have a play session that would feature mummification as our main point of investigation.  I was excited and nervous to try it out, and glad that I trusted my friend (even though we did not have a lot of play experience with one another under our belts at that point).  And so we started.  We started out slowly with a few other activities to get into the headspace required, and then started in.

IMG_7598The process of mummifying takes a lot of thought and time, I personally like how intentional and focused the activity can be.  He used a clear plastic wrap to bind various parts of my upper body and arms.  I was surprised at how warm the plastic wrap made me.  It was like being hugged in a warm hug.  Then he fastened the plastic wrap with duct tape to work on the shaping of the end result.  The duct tape was starkly different feeling – cold and hard.  Whatever breathing room I could find in the stretch of the plastic wrap was cut off with the tape layer.  The tape created a structure for the mummification that made the event a much more intense and sensory depriving experience.  Each layer of tape cuts your skin off from the world a little more and adds to the feeling that you are getting further and further from the surface; like you are floating away and being cut off from the world.

Next came my head covering.  This is not for the newly initiated – make sure you’ve done mummification before and understand breathing and safety before mummifying someone’s head (I recommend starting out using a hood until you feel confident about your head wrapping technique).  And last went the rest of my body…  I was completely immobile.  Completely.  To make things even more intense, my friend had a board he strapped my body and head to. This made it impossible to undulate my spine even.  The only movement I was allowed was the (restricted) rise and fall of my chest while breathing.  Nothing else was wriggling even a little bit.
IMG_7602IMG_7605At first I felt peaceful.  The experience was one of letting go.  Letting go of control, letting go of my body, my choices, my voice…  That period of time was beautiful.  I must say my top was really great in this process as well.  He was making sure to check in with me regularly, he was touching my body constantly even as I was being wrapped.  I always felt very attended to and safe in that cocoon.  When he was done securing and placing my body, he played with me a little, which I quite enjoyed, and I couldn’t always tell what was happening…  Our Safeword for this type of play, since my face was covered and I couldn’t drop a ball or move to signal to him, was a specific hum.  If I hummed 5 times in succession it meant I was calling safeword or needed to be let out.  It worked well for us, though I wish we’d have had a yellow hum too – something to plan for the future!

IMG_7613IMG_7617When I started to have problems was when I let my mind get away from me.  I do have a little piece of my brain that activates when I don’t have control over my body that loudly announces that I’m going to die and I’ve made horrible choices and I’ll probably never be heard from again (even though I do take really good precautions and back up my actions with safety calls, make sure I’m playing with trustworthy people who I have friendships with and references from, etc.)…  This part of my brain knows there is no REAL way of ever controlling another human being, and it fights hard and bloody sometimes in my head as I’m trying to relax and enjoy my kink with friends.  After a bit of time in my mummy state, I started having one of those experiences.  I focused on my breathing for a while which helped, and every time my partner would touch me or talk to me, I calmed down a lot.  It was the moments he was somewhere else in the room, or sitting quietly near me when I didn’t know where he was that the worry and anxiety magnified.  So, note to self, I really feel calmed by knowing I’m not alone!  Breathing helped and talking myself down in my head helped.  At some point though a couple of my joints started aching, and as my arms were crossed over my chest the pressure felt magnified and my ribs started hurting…  When I got to the point where these things were more painful and distracting than simple uncomfortabilities, I hummed my safeword to halt our play.  It took a little while to get me out completely.  It’s remarkable how long it takes the body to remember how not to be immobile too.  Even after my release, I still wanted to lay there and just breathe freely.  It took a little of that to get the energy up to move from my place on the floor and stretch out.

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I will do this again.  I want to work on my endurance, my ability to trust and lay still.  I want to try it out with my arms next to my body, rather than crossed on top of my chest, maybe with some foam between my bony joints.  I would like to have a mummy “yellow” safeword so that rather than ending play that takes so long to set up, if I’m feeling the need to check in I can do that instead of stopping everything completely…  A really successful and beautiful experience, I must say.

How do I find more?  Mummification is a pretty advanced activity, and I highly recommend anyone considering trying mummification to do a lot of homework first.  As always, places like Fetlife and the Kink Academy are wonderful resources for both learning the ropes and being introduced to new ideas.  They are also great for support and conversation on the subject.  Happy learning, my friends!

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

 

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Photos of my mummification by Dominic Tiernan

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Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

N is for NEEDLES

Hypodermic needles by Intropin

Hypodermic needles by Intropin

Would you like to try some needle play?  How do  you feel about play piercing?  Wanna use my sharps later?  Can I poke you!?  These are all questions you might hear if you’re interested (or you partner is) in having holes put temporarily in your body.  Play piercing is a type of activity some people consider edge play, though I find it remains a pretty common and enjoyable pastime for sadists, masochists, body modifiers, and the simply curious alike.  People who play with needles get a lot of different things out of the activity, let’s explore a little further…

Why needles?  People who talk about why they like play piercing often talk about endorphins.  It’s an activity that tends to release endorphins pretty quickly without a lot of time or focus needed to get things going that way.  Many who are into play piercing also mention how much they value the connection, energy play, or emotional attachments they might experience.  It can be a profound and intense type of play to undergo, a spiritual one, calming, centering, grounding, exciting, orgasmic, frightening, overwhelming, bonding, unexpected, the list goes on.  If you’ve had a part of your body pierced before you have a little idea of what play piercing might be like, if not the concept may seem bizarre or scary.  Regardless, if you’re interested in the experience, I highly recommend trying it out with a trustworthy and experienced partner.

Prep ideas:  You might have already guessed this is an activity that requires a higher degree of safety considerations than some other kink activities.  Among these you will want to consider hygiene, skin prep, needle gauge, number of needles and amount of time it will take to complete the planned task, needle placement according to anatomy and presentation, the sterility of your environment and tools, health risks, appropriate used needle disposal, pain processing techniques, and clear ongoing communication.  Before sticking someone (and possibly yourself) with a sharp object TAKE A CLASS IN THE SUBJECT.  That is the clearest advice I can offer.

Negotiation points to hit:  As you can imagine, negotiation when you are about to be a pin cushion/make someone a pin cushion is import and thoughtfulness, thoroughness, and really great communication are key.  Aftercare is an important point to hit, as are a lot of the general negotiation basics, but there are some points that are specific to needles and blood play that you want to make sure you cover.  Both the poker and pokee should talk about their situations concerning many of these:  know if your partner has any blood borne diseases – what were the last dates and results of any testing they’ve had done, what risk factors apply to their lives?  Ask about other health issues too: diabetes, asthma, hemophilia, medications they may be on like blood thinners, know whether your partner is sober!  This is not a mode of play for the even slightly inebriated for reasons of good judgement, because of a need for clear feedback on sensation, and the higher than average risk of bleeding heavily.  Know if the person has any idea about how they’ll react to being pierced psychologically, emotionally, and physically.  Be able to guide the bottom in breathing techniques and pace play for adequate pain processing.  Make sure that the bottom knows that if they call safe word in the middle of a piercing session that it will still take a little while to undo all the work that’s been done – the situation of the scene will not magically just evaporate in a second, and though the undoing can be done quickly, efficiently, and with regard to a lack of further agony being inflicted, it will still take some time and attention before being fully released.  Make sure you talk about the lasting marks that needles leave.  They will probably not be permanent scars, though there will be marks visible for a few days after play.  These are just some considerations.  I encourage you to do your research and think about more.

My first endorphin button! A lot of fun.

My first endorphin button! A lot of fun.

The holes in my body:  Well, I have a few of them.  Some are designed by nature, others self-imposed.  My first experience with needles was at an event years ago where a local performance artist was pierced with a number of needles on stage during a show I was also performing in.  I was mesmerized and drawn to the piece, and figured right there that I wanted to experience that some day.  I got my chance almost exactly a year ago during my first ever kink scene.  The person I was playing with and I had been playing for about 5 hours that evening and we ended the night with play piercing as our final stop.  I loved it.  You can imagine at that point I was pretty exhausted, but I was also very relaxed.  There was no resistance to the activity and I found myself not only calm, but loving the sensations, surprised that it was as easy as it seemed to be, and definitely struck by endorphins.  One of the things I like most about play piercing is that it is so connected to breath.  To pain process, to fear process, and to pierce evenly and confidently the piercer and the piercee will use breath to guide when to push a needle in or pull one out.  It makes the rhythm of what’s happening a beautiful and connected experience as well as one that leaves you with a feeling of accomplishment…  Before the evening ended I had 13 needles in my right breast arranged into an “endorphin button” – meaning laid over one another so that when it was pushed on it would cause a certain amount of pain which released endorphins.  I had another few sharps piercing my outer labia, a couple laced multiple times through my left breast, and one stuck extremely painfully, half-jokingly, and very briefly into the arch of my foot.  It was a blast and I would repeat the experience without hesitation.  After that session I was absolutely afloat with beautiful fuzzy warm endorphin laced feelings (though after 5 hours of play I don’t know what else I might have been feeling?).  I have a special place in my heart for the activity to say the least.

Where can I learn more?  Good for you!!!  This is definitely a game in kink that you want an experienced and well informed top performing.  It helps to have a well informed bottom in this activity too – don’t shy away from speaking out if you see something play out in an unsafe manner in your scene.  By agreeing to do activities many consider edge play, you should also be agreeing to be more stringent in your technique, communication, and expectations.  I definitely recommend Kink Academy for further education in this subject.  There are a bunch of videos up about safety, negotiation, and what to be thinking about when playing with sharps, as well as videos on how to do it and more on what people feel.  Fetlife is also a great way to find classes on the subject, learn more, and get support from the community of people who love it.  You can’t do enough reading, writing, and sticking oranges in your pursuit of the perfect prick…  and at some point getting really great about your negotiation methods and jumping in is the only way to get the experience and confidence you need to be a great play piercer/needle aficionado/sharps wielder!  Good luck sticking it to the bottom; I hope everyone gets what they came in for.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

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