ABCs Blog — Page 11

One More Week

June 6, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

and we’re done with the ABCs of Kink’s first full alphabet tour. This week I am waiting on a date with a particular “Z”, so will be back next week with a full report! In the meantime, please message me here [Karin (at) ABCsOfKink . com] with ideas for the next round of A-Zs. I’d love some suggestions.

Here’s some fun stuff to look at in the meantime, a few of my favorites from this past series:

Playing with a Sadist who was one of the fiercest (and most fun) people I've played with... look closely and you can see the beginnings of the boot marks that will be black and purples the following day

R is for ROUGH BODY PLAY

O is for ORGASM CONTROL

M is for MUMMIFICATION

The spoils of war are sweet indeed. Intoxicating.

D is for DEATH PLAY

B is for BONDAGE

Any articles you liked in particular? Let me know all your thoughts by writing me here: Karin (at) ABCsOfKink . com

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor: Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!

Filed Under: ABCs Blog Tagged With: bdsm, bondage, Death Play, kink, Mummification, Orgasm Control, rough body play, what do you suggest

Y is for YOU

May 30, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

A perfect weekday afternoon!

We’re close to our final entry in this round of the alphabet, and so I thought it important to send along some resources that should help you think about YOU! It’s great to know you want something kinky to happen between you and your partners, but it’s even better to know exactly what you want those things to be before playing. This helps a lot when it comes time to negotiate with your partners about play, and it’s also an interesting way to keep an eye on how you yourself are evolving over time in the realm of kinky experiences…

The CEPE checklist: The CEPE checklist is an excellent way to gather your thoughts about kink. It is a 200 question BDSM checklist that asks you to rate your interest in various activities. It is often used by D-types who are trying to get to know their s-types better. After this paperwork has been completed, a quick glance at it can tell the person who is looking what types of activities you are into, not into, have as hard limits, as well as what activities you are experienced in, are a novice at, or have never tried out, and which activities you may prefer to top, bottom, or switch for. It takes a little bit of time to finish, but I think it is well worth the effort for people who are interested in having a clear place to start negotiations from.

I recommend all you interested-in-kink types look this checklist over and have a go at putting down on paper what works. I think it’s an incredibly good exercise not just for the outcome of clear talking points, but it’s an interesting way to meditate on kink – on what excites you, what does not, and what you might be curious about. The first time I did it I had the experience of realizing that a few of the options on the card I had never really considered before, so it became an inspirational tool to my dirty mind too.

[Update July 2019: I have developed my own BDSM Checklist, here’s a link to download mine if you’d like to use it]

The final moment of my “Pink” performance at “Glitterotica”. Photo by www.KristenMariePhoto.com

Games you can play: If you have a partner, here’s one of my favorite games to play… I call it “Red, Yellow, Green”, and I learned it from Carol Queen (one of my favorite people in the sexuality industry) a number of years ago when she was leading a workshop at the sexuality boutique I worked at. It goes like this:

With your partner(s), make a list of all of the sexual/kinky/fantasy things you can think of. Don’t be shy, say them all – from the most vanilla to the most radical!
Take a look of this list and each of you rate the activities Red, Yellow, or Green (it’s perfectly ok if you have different ratings than one another). Red indicates a “hard limit”, meaning something you don’t have any interest in doing at all. Yellow indicates a “soft limit”, or something you are curious about but have never tried before and are a little nervous about, something you’re willing to try but not that interested in, or something you will do or have done but don’t really get turned on by the idea of. Green is for go, the activities you are excited about, that turn you on, or that you’d actively like to try out.
Now for the fun part!!! It is time for you and your partner(s) to start playing. Yes, I mean getting turned on. Play with one another until you can feel the juices flowing and the sexy filling your veins… Now pause and take a look at the list again. Go through and re-rate everything. Has anything changed? Did some yellows turn green? Are some of your reds not quite so red anymore? You don’t have to talk about it yet because…
Start back in on the sexiness! This time work up a good sweat and stop just before you want to come/finish/explode/hit the subspace/domspace/roof/whathaveyou… Take a look at those ratings again and update anything that needs to be updated. Don’t worry about processing any of it yet though, because…
Back to the sexy! This time ravage through the end. Just after falling into a heaping pile of post-whatever mush, look at that list and re-rate the things.
Now to talk about it with one another… I hope you had a really enjoyable time.

I like this exercise a lot because it gives one an indication of how being turned on might change their feelings about a scene or an activity. I think this is really important information to have when negotiating. There is a general consensus in kinky play that you never re-negotiate a scene or boundaries mid-play. The reason for this is that being turned on will mess with your brains and your conscious understanding of what is and is not good for you. To avoid a negative lash-back post play, it’s important to know what kinds of things look good to you when you’re not completely sexually sober. Think about them; decide whether the activities that became more acceptable to you are actually things you are interested in exploring or not. This list will probably also help you figure out what will never be a turn on…

My experiences meditating on me: I have been described by a former lover as a “connection whore”. I’m pretty sure he was on to something, and I’ve enjoyed the phrase since hearing it. This means that when I’m connecting with someone I am much more open to them and their desires than I am when our connection is thin or nonexistent. I think this is true to a degree for most people, though I seem to take it farther and faster than many. My ability to say no, and my desire to say yes to the person I am connecting with can be a HUGE block to my rational brain – think stereotypical brainless dude aware only of his hard on and willing to do pretty much anything to get his dick wet… that’s kinda me in those moments. Because of this one of the things I let people know upfront when I’m negotiating a scene with them, is that if I’m feeling really connected to them during the scene, and I am really turned on, I will probably say yes to anything they ask. This is not to say that I won’t stand behind my actions, but to let my partner know that if they want to change any of the rules we’ve pre-negotiated or try something we haven’t talked about, that I may in fact say yes to something I’ll regret saying yes to. So, I ask my partners to please respect the boundaries that we establish before getting all worked up. This is another reason I always make sure to negotiate sexual boundaries before entering into a kink scene too. I generally don’t mix my kink and sex, and that’s a can of worms I don’t want to deal with the fallout of if someone were to be as turned on as I, and wonder if we could enter that arena during play. This is one of the major ways I respect myself, and teach my partners a little bit about what to expect.

When I filled out the CEPE checklist for the first time, I realized that there were things on there I had never considered kink activities. It was awesome! It made me think about the possibilities beyond my current fantasies. I LOVE learning new things (definitely a fetish of mine), so even just filling out that worksheet was a huge turn on.

I am currently developing a game for people interested in kink, BDSM, adventurous sex, and expanding their sensual horizons with partners… hopefully next time I post a “Y is for YOU” entry, I’ll be able to share it with you.

Dinner anyone? An example of my homework for the evening…

For further education, ideas, and kinky eye openers:

the Kink Academy – a wonderful resource for videos, a wealth of informational blog writings, and just a great place to be. If you do check out this site and decide you’d like to sign up for a membership, please link to the site through one of my links. I am an affiliate, so if you link to them through me when you make your purchase, I’ll receive a commission off your membership as a thank you for introducing you to the site. It’s a great way to support this site.
Fetlife – go to munches to meet the kinky people nearby, learn about various subjects by reading people’s ideas in groups, and find out what’s happening in your area
NELA – They host the Fetish Flea convention and have their hands in a lot of the kinky goings on in New England. There should be associations like this one in many regions, if you’re not from around here, look around for yours.

I encourage you to make it personal today. Your interests, boundaries, and pleasure matter every bit as much as your partner’s regardless of your level of experience, gender, age, role in the activity, or anything else. In the end only you can know yourself well enough to advocate and negotiate in ways that make you happiest. Have fun, and have fun figuring it all out!

To Breath and Being,

~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor: Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!

Filed Under: ABCs Blog Tagged With: bdsm, carol queen, fetish, finding your kink, kink, kinky games, safe words, scene negotiation, what are your limits

X is for X-Rated

May 23, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

Image by Brandonweaver1

The XXX-rating means hard-core, the XX-rating is for simulation, and an X-rating is for comparatively cool films.

~ William Rotsler

These are words from a slightly different era, but even today the idea that any amount of Xs mark a piece of art might titillate one to no end. Today we discuss the letter X as it applies to, arguably, the most mainstream kink of them all: X-Rated creations.

Why porn? Why erotic art? Why X? Well, aside from the bad rap it often gets, pornography and erotic art can point you toward a diversity of action and meaning that one can rarely get to understanding or even being exposed to when simply reading a textbook or even experimenting sometimes. Our sexual selves are emotional, psychological, physical, intellectual, and holistic when we let them be. The ideas, practices, images, and demonstrations contained in the right pornography or erotic art might just be the gateway to a new understanding of pleasure and connection to your own sexual self that you’ve been desiring. Just remember that you can have connections with your own body and with other people; not with images or moving pictures. We all have to work on translating our fantasies about relationship desires and sexual prowess into real life communication with our partners and playmates… So have fantasies, talk about them, negotiate respectfully, be inspired, find safety, and play.

What is this X rating all about anyhow? Here’s a little US history on the subject – take note that other countries have their own rating systems (or not) which define adult content differently.

Once upon a time (the late 50’s through 1990) an X rating assigned by the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) to a film meant that the film was officially “unrated” due to containing adult content not suitable for children or minors (this included sexual as well as violent material). The “X” was a non-trademarked rating, so unlike the trademarked ratings of G, PG, PG-13, and R anyone could assign an X rating to their film if they knew prior to its release that it would contain content which would render the film unsuitable for an official rating. Directors, distribution companies, etc could mark a box X without it being judged by the MPAA. Some mainstream films during these years were rated X upon their release including “Clockwork Orange”, “Midnight Cowboy”, and “The Evil Dead” to name a few – all of which have been re-rated since. Because of the accessibility of the non-trademarked X rating during this time pornographers began rating their films as such as well. Eventually it became more and more popular to rate your pornographic film with an X, XX, or XXX (playing on the idea that the more Xs a film was given, the more graphic the material within). The porn industry in the 70s and 80s grew increasingly popular and publicly visible, and the X rating became semi-synonymous with pornographic content which led to many cinemas banning X rated films from their theaters regardless of the reason for the X rating. In 1990 the MPAA agreed to trademark a new rating, NC-17, which has allowed movies with adult content (sexual and violent) to be officially distinguished (by the MPAA) from the oft-pornographic and still non-trademarked X. So, there you have it.

The tour at the San Francisco Armory is awesome. It is also a tour of Kink.com's studios... Delicious.

The tour of the San Francisco Armory is awesome. It is also a tour of Kink.com‘s studios… Delicious. This pic was taken in the luxurious play space on their top floor.

My experiences with porn, erotica, and other adult-type works: (FWIW, I write this section as I sext with a partner, yum!)… I’m a little funny when it comes to the the X-rated department. I don’t know why it is, but as much of a sex geek as I am, I prefer to engage by interacting with politics, practices, and education about sexy times more than with the aesthetic, storying, and imaging of it. Maybe as I get older this will evolve, or maybe as I get older I’ll just become increasingly aware of the vast and fascinating diversity of what out there embodies these ideas in an appealing-to-me way. I have a general distaste for obvious and overused presentations of sex, gender, and sexual identity in our culture, and I find many of these images and ideas to be pervasively stultifying. Almost a thrust of the sword at creativity and the true nature of what sex is: creation/creativity/pleasure/the making of something new. I find it absurd and terrifying that people are discouraged from talking about bodies using real biological terms with children, and that our national discourse on sexuality is so repressed and bastardized that it turns any mention of perfectly normal and necessary bodily functions (sex, masturbation, fantasizing, reproductive and sexual health protection, pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, breastfeeding, using the toilet) into babied code, neglected mention in “mixed” company (whatever that means), or fear filled retraction.

I have sold a lot of porn and helped people find and rent the pornographic films that might make them and their partners most happy. I have written and performed erotic art on stage – written word, striptease, and erotic (sometimes grotesque) performance art. I have watched locally made amateur porn (and loved some of it), hosted parties where porn was watched and discussed by a group of people, watched porn of various types with partners and as a solo activity. I’ve masturbated to pornography I’ve hated, watched and re-watched the money shot over and over until I was ready to come, fantasized about being a part of the scenes I was watching, read erotica (great and terrible), discovered gay porn I loved, lesbian, bi, queer, and trans porn I got off on, various bits of mainstream porn even has found a time and place, and regardless at best I find some good actors which make it all tolerable. I’ve watched hardcore, kinky, violent, boring, fascinating, imaginative, and hilarious porn… My experience is the experience of many: watching other people get it on (even in a staged way) is fascinating and sometimes just what the spank bank or imaginarium needs. Porn has not ruined my sex life… nor would I say has it drastically heightened it. Porn, for me, exists. Some of it I find a turn on, some of it I do not, some of it I find a downright turn off and to be offensive. But I feel all these ways looking at any type of art or craft over time.

One of the best experiences I’ve had interacting on a visual level with adult material was at the Miami Sex Museum! Seeing first hand the actual art inspired by erotic feelings from, well, pretty much the beginning of art through pretty much all cultures and ages was not just a fascinating circus act to view but it made me understand how sex is intimately connected to the human race on a level I rarely feel. We are all here, generation after generation, country by country, puberty until death, sexual creatures who will feel urges, satisfy them in a diversity of ways, and pursue satisfaction in forms that work best for each of us. Like the experience of being on a nude beach and seeing all the different body shapes and types and differences, you start to feel as though having a body is what is most beautiful, not what it looks like or making sure you do with it what someone once told you was supposed to be pleasing. Having that body allows you to listen deeply. We all drum to our own drummer, and sometimes you get to play with people who you can make really exciting music with.

Not everything is for everyone (far from it), but when you find what will do the trick, X really can mark the spot.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor: Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!

Filed Under: ABCs Blog Tagged With: adult material, erotic art, kinky porn, pornography, x rating, x-rated

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Y is for YOU

X is for X-Rated

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