R is for ROLE PLAY

“I thought to bring my own exam gown, as the paper robes are so scratchy. I trust you’ll let me know when it is the right time to change for you…”

“Doctor, my body feels strange and tingly all over, and I’m getting headaches. I’m distracted and can’t seem to get anything done… The source of my madness seems to be the swollen button between my legs. Let me know if you need an accompanying photograph for your files. Thank you for being on call…”

“My preliminary diagnosis is one of nervosa cliterosa… a rather extreme example of female hysteria. It will take considerable effort to treat and will most likely require the insertion of a probe deep into the genitalia… You can see what the probe looks like below. I will also send a picture of other tools that I may employ.”

Who said negotiation can’t be fun? Slipping into character is not always easy, and what feels safe, flirty, and fun over text may not carry into a face to face situation effortlessly. However, role play, for all the cheese and clumsy attempts at cleverness, mixed with the desire to turn on and be turned on, is perfectly emblematic of the “adult playground” which is kink.

What are good role play ideas? Great question! Yes.

That didn’t answer my question… Well, it did though. If all parties are voting yes to a role play idea, why not move to negotiations, scene building, and try it out in a safe, sane, and consensual risk-aware manner? The entire idea behind role play is that we can make fantasies we’d like to experience come to life. Are all fantasies come to life going to prove to be great ideas in the end? No. Just like every time you have sex it’s not the greatest sex, and every day at the office is not the best day there. Don’t be afraid to critique what worked for you and what didn’t when you’re all in a headspace which allows for it. Try again if something in there really worked. Next time keep the good parts and edit out the stuff that fell flat. Add in the stuff you forgot to do or were inspired to try but hadn’t negotiated for yet… You’ll learn a lot about yourself, and potentially one another. Maybe you didn’t know you need the aesthetics of the scene to be really vibrant to get into it, or a wig is all you need to talk filthy dirty, or the feeling of being emotionally powerless was a huge turn on, or that ankle restraints are great for setting the scene — but please make sure they’re undone before fucking because you need to move your legs around to get the best angle for pleasure, or that your partner likes being tickled as long as you’re using that voice, or that you really want to be coerced and emotionally manipulated way more deeply than your partner felt comfortable doing today… Practice makes perfect. This play is yours to write, rewrite, and evolve.

Building a scene: This happens first so a successful fantasy can play out. Building a scene can happen in a lot of different ways, but it must happen beforehand, and it requires a willingness to (probably graphically) talk about sex, talk about desire, and talk about boundaries. Building the scene is a negotiation period where the participating parties figure out what the role play will look like, who plays what character, what might/will/won’t happen in the scene, who’s responsible for what actions/props/environmental controls/costume elements/”extras” casting… and as many of the details as you can figure out to feel safe and secure enough to let go while playing with one another in imagination land.

Character Development: This is an important, and often overlooked part of role play. Character development asks you to look at who your character is, what they want, and how they’re going to get it in the scene. It is entirely one thing to say “I want to do a Doctor/patient scene”, and entirely another when the patient shows up expecting a sexy pornographic gynecological exam, but ends up behind the curtain with a mad scientist Doctor wielding fists full of scalpels and needles, or a MD type who is newly researched and emphatically prepared to give an actual pelvic exam and who would never be comfortable breaking their patient’s trust… When I say “Doctor”, to which flavor of Doctor are we referring? When you say “exam”, what style of exam are we prepping for?

Set, Props, Location, Costume: You can enter role play as instantaneously and fluidly as you can change your voice. You can also spend weeks creating the perfect costume pieces, acquiring props, and revelling in the details of every moment you have planned out. Frequently our scenes fall somewhere in between. What do you want for this role play to feel fun and sexy (or dirty and evil, or exhilarating and uncomfortable, or…)? Maybe all you need are the right shoes or wig to really feel into it, maybe the prevalent image in your head for this scene is the moment someone’s naked body is draped over a furniture piece waiting for you, maybe you just want to feel a wrestling of wills until someone loses and suffers the consequences, maybe as long as “X” happens your partner can flesh out the rest of the night how they please and you’re happy to just be along for the ride, maybe you really don’t want to do this scene at home you need the fresh energy of a foreign room, or… Whatever little details you see or feel or want from a scene are things you should be up front about and plan to include. These details or events will act as triggering forces helping you appreciate the actual situation you are in.

It’s all fun and games, but what if I start feeling feelings? This totally happens. You are in a heightened state employing your psychological and intellectual endowments as well as physical, environmental, and sensual experiences. It’s easy to have your heartstrings pulled when you relax enough to buy into your imagination. To feel yourself empathize with a character, or to suddenly connect more deeply on a personal level with what’s happening in the room, to “feel” the fantasy, and sometimes be triggered by it, are all potential experiences which role play can bring on. We are no different than we were as kids who might have gotten their feelings hurt when they didn’t get what they wanted out of playing house with our friends… Our minds are powerful fuel for behavioral experiments. Know  that. Think about potential triggers when you plan your scene. Play honestly with people you trust. Talk in depth about what you want and what you don’t want in a scene, and be prepared before you start. The first aid kit of fantasy role play may be filled with bandaids, toys, and prophylactics, but it should also have an agreed upon script about what to do when someone [starts crying, gets angry, seems out of it, isn’t responding “normally” within the scene, gets agitated…], and of course, safe words and agreed upon aftercare and/or after scene check-ins are important in this type of play too. It might take a little longer than normal to process experiences which are not predominantly physical in nature. Concerning healthy expectations: the more risky the fantasy content (physically, emotionally, psychologically), the more you need to prepare ahead of time, and the more trust you need to have between play partners.

“I’m stepping out of character for a minute”, is a great check-in phrase if you need a reality check, and there is no reason not to take brief time outs when anyone feels the need for one. Sometimes taking 30 seconds out of character helps alleviate a situation more efficiently than searching for a way to say what you need “in character”, or in “code” which might not be interpreted correctly by your scene partner. In that vein, I find calling out discomfort to be the easiest way to get over feelings of inadequacy, nerves, and actual discomfort. If you’re engaging in role play of some kind, chances are that you are someone (and/or with someone) who has a creative mind who wants to use it. Stumbling blocks are often a fear of getting tripped up somehow and falling ungracefully on your face, or offending or hurting someone inadvertently. Repeatedly I’ve found that the surest way to get back to the sensuality and ease with a partner I’m feeling friction around is to call out what’s happening when it isn’t working so we can both take a moment to recalibrate and decide to get back to what works. It also gives opportunity to address the friction if it’s symptomatic of a bigger issue going on between us. Adjustments don’t have to be boner killers, and when they are, well, there was probably a good reason to kill that one — rest assured boners can be built back up. “Back in character now”.

Have fun and laugh at yourself and with one another. Don’t be afraid of catharsis if it’s healthy and everyone around is prepared. Let yourself learn new tricks, let go a little deeper when you feel safe doing so, and lose yourself for a moment in play. Isn’t that why we love this playground in the first place?

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

Y is for YOU

A perfect weekday afternoon!

A perfect weekday afternoon!

We’re close to our final entry in this round of the alphabet, and so I thought it important to send along some resources that should help you think about YOU!  It’s great to know you want something kinky to happen between you and your partners, but it’s even better to know exactly what you want those things to be before playing.  This helps a lot when it comes time to negotiate with your partners about play, and it’s also an interesting way to keep an eye on how you yourself are evolving over time in the realm of kinky experiences…

The CEPE checklist:  The CEPE checklist is an excellent way to gather your thoughts about kink.  It is a 200 question BDSM checklist that asks you to rate your interest in various activities.  It is often used by D-types who are trying to get to know their s-types better.  After this paperwork has been completed, a quick glance at it can tell the person who is looking what types of activities you are into, not into, have as hard limits, as well as what activities you are experienced in, are a novice at, or have never tried out, and which activities you may prefer to top, bottom, or switch for.  It takes a little bit of time to finish, but I think it is well worth the effort for people who are interested in having a clear place to start negotiations from.

I recommend all you interested-in-kink types look this checklist over and have a go at putting down on paper what works.  I think it’s an incredibly good exercise not just for the outcome of clear talking points, but it’s an interesting way to meditate on kink – on what excites you, what does not, and what you might be curious about.  The first time I did it I had the experience of realizing that a few of the options on the card I had never really considered before, so it became an inspirational tool to my dirty mind too.

The final moment of my "Pink" performance at "Glitterotica". Photo by www.KristenMariePhoto.com

The final moment of my “Pink” performance at “Glitterotica”. Photo by www.KristenMariePhoto.com

Games you can play:  If you have a partner, here’s one of my favorite games to play…  I call it “Red, Yellow, Green”, and I learned it from Carol Queen (one of my favorite people in the sexuality industry) a number of years ago when she was leading a workshop at the sexuality boutique I worked at.  It goes like this:

  • With your partner(s), make a list of all of the sexual/kinky/fantasy things you can think of.  Don’t be shy, say them all – from the most vanilla to the most radical!
  • Take a look of this list and each of you rate the activities Red, Yellow, or Green (it’s perfectly ok if you have different ratings than one another).  Red indicates a “hard limit”, meaning something you don’t have any interest in doing at all.  Yellow indicates a “soft limit”, or something you are curious about but have never tried before and are a little nervous about, something you’re willing to try but not that interested in, or something you will do or have done but don’t really get turned on by the idea of.  Green is for go, the activities you are excited about, that turn you on, or that you’d actively like to try out.
  • Now for the fun part!!!  It is time for you and your partner(s) to start playing.  Yes, I mean getting turned on.  Play with one another until you can feel the juices flowing and the sexy filling your veins…  Now pause and take a look at the list again.  Go through and re-rate everything.  Has anything changed?  Did some yellows turn green?  Are some of your reds not quite so red anymore?  You don’t have to talk about it yet because…
  • Start back in on the sexiness!  This time work up a good sweat and stop just before you want to come/finish/explode/hit the subspace/domspace/roof/whathaveyou…  Take a look at those ratings again and update anything that needs to be updated.  Don’t worry about processing any of it yet though, because…
  • Back to the sexy!  This time ravage through the end.  Just after falling into a heaping pile of post-whatever mush, look at that list and re-rate the things.
  • Now to talk about it with one another…  I hope you had a really enjoyable time.

I like this exercise a lot because it gives one an indication of how being turned on might change their feelings about a  scene or an activity.  I think this is really important information to have when negotiating.  There is a general consensus in kinky play that you never re-negotiate a scene or boundaries mid-play.  The reason for this is that being turned on will mess with your brains and your conscious understanding of what is and is not good for you.  To avoid a negative lash-back post play, it’s important to know what kinds of things look good to you when you’re not completely sexually sober.  Think about them; decide whether the activities that became more acceptable to you are actually things you are interested in exploring or not.  This list will probably also help you figure out what will never be a turn on…

Nipple Clamps for HomeworkMy experiences meditating on me:  I have been described by a former lover as a “connection whore”.  I’m pretty sure he was on to something, and I’ve enjoyed the phrase since hearing it.  This means that when I’m connecting with someone I am much more open to them and their desires than I am when our connection is thin or nonexistent.  I think this is true to a degree for most people, though I seem to take it farther and faster than many.  My ability to say no, and my desire to say yes to the person I am connecting with can be a HUGE block to my rational brain – think stereotypical brainless dude aware only of his hard on and willing to do pretty much anything to get his dick wet…  that’s kinda me in those moments.  Because of this one of the things I let people know upfront when I’m negotiating a scene with them, is that if I’m feeling really connected to them during the scene, and I am really turned on, I will probably say yes to anything they ask.  This is not to say that I won’t stand behind my actions, but to let my partner know that if they want to change any of the rules we’ve pre-negotiated or try something we haven’t talked about, that I may in fact say yes to something I’ll regret saying yes to.  So, I ask my partners to please respect the boundaries that we establish before getting all worked up.  This is another reason I always make sure to negotiate sexual boundaries before entering into a kink scene too.  I generally don’t mix my kink and sex, and that’s a can of worms I don’t want to deal with the fallout of if someone were to be as turned on as I, and wonder if we could enter that arena during play.  This is one of the major ways I respect myself, and teach my partners a little bit about what to expect.

When I filled out the CEPE checklist for the first time, I realized that there were things on there I had never considered kink activities.  It was awesome!  It made me think about the possibilities beyond my current fantasies.  I LOVE learning new things (definitely a fetish of mine), so even just filling out that worksheet was a huge turn on.

I am currently developing a game for people interested in kink, BDSM, adventurous sex, and expanding their sensual horizons with partners…  hopefully next time I post a “Y is for YOU” entry, I’ll be able to share it with you.

Dinner anyone? An example of my homework for the evening...

Dinner anyone? An example of my homework for the evening…

For further education, ideas, and kinky eye openers:

  • the Kink Academy – a wonderful resource for videos, a wealth of informational blog writings, and just a great place to be.  If you do check out this site and decide you’d like to sign up for a membership, please link to the site through one of my links.  I am an affiliate, so if you link to them through me when you make your purchase, I’ll receive a commission off your membership as a thank you for introducing you to the site.  It’s a great way to support this site.
  • Fetlife – go to munches to meet the kinky people nearby, learn about various subjects by reading people’s ideas in groups, and find out what’s happening in your area
  • NELA – They host the Fetish Flea convention and have their hands in a lot of the kinky goings on in New England.  There should be associations like this one in many regions, if you’re not from around here, look around for yours.

I encourage you to make it personal today.  Your interests, boundaries, and pleasure matter every bit as much as your partner’s regardless of your level of experience, gender, age, role in the activity, or anything else.  In the end only you can know yourself well enough to advocate and negotiate in ways that make you happiest.  Have fun, and have fun figuring it all out!

To Breath and Being,

~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

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