Why Choice and Sexual Freedom are Men’s Issues

Fosta/Sesta just had its one year anniversary, and in the past 6 months all over the country with exceeding traction, 6-week bans on abortion (anti-choice abortion bills limiting accessibility to medical intervention before most people even know they’re pregnant) have been proposed and signed by politicians. It seems “the land of the free” is more interested in controlling the bodies of women, people who are able to reproduce, and marginalized workers within the sex industry than they are at:

• actually protecting victims of sexual trafficking
• helping marginalized people gain control of their lives, or
• discontinuing the targeting of women, racialized people, and LGBTQ people as objects for sexualization, objectification, and imprisonment (especially when found controlling their own bodies based on personal choice).

If you aren’t pissed off you’re either part of the problem or you’re not paying attention. Choice over what each person does with their own body—whether sensual, sexual, procreative, or abstinent—are issues which effect every one of us. I’d love more cis and cishet men to speak up in support of autonomous choice for marginalized people with committed regularity. Cis men are, by and large, the ones passing these egregious bills, signing them into law, the clients of sex workers, sex traffickers, brothel owners, and egg fertilizer/embryo creators. Of course cis men are NOT the ones who suffer most of the legal or natural consequences for fallout from an active sexuality or laws which target such. I’ll posit here this is why we view sexual choice as a “women’s” or “minority” issue. The disparity between who traditionally benefits vs. who traditionally suffers from such exchanges clearly makes these issues, to my mind: CIS MALE ISSUES.

Men are not off the hook for educating themselves about the consequences passed onto others when acting out in favor of their own libidos. Action is warranted on behalf of their fellow humans who carry less political power and appeal, yet who garner the lion’s share of punishment and/or hardship garnered from sexual union.

Be The Man. Which “The Man” are you going be? It’s everyone’s job to speak up, participate, sympathize or empathize, and read articles or otherwise educate themselves on what parts of our society unduly harm our neighbors in favor of ourselves. Similarly, we should be paying marginalized people for their time explaining the nuances of issues that disproportionately impact them, especially when we don’t individually do the work to educate ourselves first.

Ejaculation matters—but never through the imprisonment of my or any other person’s body. Recently Georgia’s gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams agreed with this sentiment, saying, “Women should not put their lives at risk because of sex, and whether it is seen as a commercial enterprise or it’s human trafficking, our obligation is to create a safe space so that no woman risks her life because of sex.”

In other news of political matters swinging toward the side of sanity, New York is currently considering how to fully decriminalize sex work. The most frequent way I hear people dismiss sex work, and therefore sex workers (who by the numbers come from marginalized populations), is by complaining that sex work is “transactional”, and they aren’t looking for “transactional sex”. I retort that if you don’t see how all sex is transactional (especially in our financially unequal society), it may benefit you to meditate on exactly what “transactional” means to you, and consider whether that opinion is indeed a correct perspective, or a privileged one.

Paying for someone’s time—such as one does with their massage therapist, medical doctor, ballet teacher, or landscaper—does not define an “impersonal connection” (unless that’s what you’ve negotiated you’re paying for, such as in the case of negotiating objectification). Paying for someone’s time helps define the terms for what type of connection is meant to be had within the confines of your time together based on what you want.

Because you may not be comfortable (or able) to turn your sexuality on and off as required, doesn’t mean other people cannot. Money is a great motivator for this—no one denies how grateful they are for the services of a professional massage therapist when none of their friends “have the energy”, for instance. One of the most poignant reasons for hiring a professional (in sex work or any other realm of expertise) is their ability to show up on time, prepared to enact and/or cultivate the experience and environment you’ve asked for. Though “transactional”, what exactly is there to criticize about this? It seems that only in sexual scenarios do we entertain the ridiculous belief that others owe us release and/or catering to which is not transactional. Of those who seem to take on this belief, cis men are the most determined not to sway from this unequal and privileged/gainful perspective.

The reality is that sexual exchange or “transactional sexuality” is as old as two autonomous people deciding to negotiate sexual acts. “Sex work” is only as old as capitalism.

Sex is sacred. Sex is triggering. Sex is healing. Sex is an opportunity to know yourself and to know others better. Sex is no big deal. Sex is fun. Sex is a way to bond. Sex is a way to reproduce. Sex is a way to relieve stress. Sex is a way to calm your mind and emotions. Sex is a workout. Sex is something which changes your body’s chemistry. Sex is risky. Sex can be threatening. Sex is manipulative. Sex is gender affirming. Sex is gender traumatizing. Sex is a way to have orgasms. Sex is a means for falling asleep more easily. Sex is something a lot of people have a hard time talking about. Sex doesn’t have to involve genitalia. Sex is different for (and with) different people. What counts and doesn’t count as sex is a broad subject for personal exploration.

Sex is euphemized as “knowledge”. Our sexual explorations can teach us a lot about our bodies, hearts, minds, spirits, and communities. Some people spend considerable time gathering these types of knowledge, and they should be entitled to compensation for time spent, skills developed, and their willingness to work, just as any other educated professional does.

May we respect and care for one another as we get our needs met. May we all advocate for our needs responsibly. May the powers that be in conjunction with those who have disproportionate privilege in society help to bring about meaningful change toward an egalitarian reality, doing what they can in our collective fight for freedom, personal fulfillment, and peace. Men, as you value your sexual needs being met, this means especially you too.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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