Photo by RADskillZ Photography 2013

As I navigate perpetually, the adult and kinky world, I find it ever more interesting to come in and out of conversations with people who are looking for that “something” they cannot put words to. I understand this intimately, of course, as I’ve had my own years of no words for urges — and sometimes resistance to the words I do know.

I remember being young when sex was brand new and I had feelings and desires to please, but no understanding of how my own body worked really (I’m still learning). The emotional rollercoaster of trying new things and feeling afraid that I’d done something wrong the day after… Those were the rough and tumble Gen-X days where “no meant no”, before “yes meant yes” was even a thing, and honestly as long as no one was saying no, you just kept watching for signals, picking up on the language of the body in front of you, and asking questions… Well, I asked a lot of questions. I was repeatedly brushed off by some partner’s resistance, mumbling that I was weird for asking: “how does that feel?”, “can I bite harder?”, “Tell me about your fantasies?”, “What was sex with your last partner like?”… It just seemed natural to ask — I wanted to know and I wanted to please, I wanted to understand what actions felt like to other people. Vulnerably talking about sex has always been a turn-on. Talking about sex makes sex feel safer and more accessible to me.

The partners who were experimental were always my favorites. We would work out algorithms in bed, or construct science experiments to find out what might happen if… We would unfold our fantasies for hours with one another and surprise each other with an instruction video about “how to” that thing, or a new toy tossed on the bed, or… or… or. Mmmm.

The partners I’ve had who didn’t like to talk about sex triggered my own stuff, locked up in fear and shame. I had a hard time feeling turned on with those people, though I loved them, because I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t know if I was ok to try. I constantly thought I was going to get in trouble for doing something wrong… No one was asking me what I wanted in those relationships either, so if what was happening didn’t work, frustrations would often abound when I tried to speak up and connect about it or shift the scene elsewhere. Explosions sometimes. Too often. For years I just tiptoed further and further into my own underground, suspending my pleasure in an effort to un-disruptively please. There were some who were half and half — eager to learn from me and play but withholding of their own inner worlds — desires I could never understand because the answer to what they wanted always just fell flat. So we would come up up empty handed in our ups and downs leading to fun-and-unfulfilled in the end.

Can I teach you how to talk and listen? Can I help you practice saying the words? If I could be your lover/sub/Dominant I think those might be my favorite games…

I want you to challenge me and my libido by getting into it with me when we’re together. Good, bad, ugly, divine — can we remain open in our primal elements near one another’s critiques and fantasies? Curiosity seems the most natural way to be. I want negotiation be the song which gets our hips shifting in time and both of us smiling.

I want to unlock your/our/my potential when we connect. I want sex and kink and all the things we intimately desire to be like a vacation or a road trip together. Your body is a map I am discovering with a missing key that together we construct, figuring out each easy-to-complex symbolic meaning. Let’s hunt paths to their natural conclusions or trace back origins, learn new ways of interpreting each idea and riff off into uncharted land… Through trust let’s conjure instinct, and just ’cause instinct let’s not abandon conversation.

I often cannot give an enthusiastic yes to your blunt sex question, but I can usually give a thoughtful and honest “let’s try”! I’ll let you know if it isn’t working, and you’ll probably know if it is. In our current world ruled by articulation via keyboard we’re losing attention to detail — scent shifting, facial spasms, breath patterns, energy flow, eye connection… If you hate what just happened, kindly tell me please. I have no desire for you to endure my experiment which was designed to try and turn you on in the first place. Let’s talk and listen in all the ways about what we’re doing. Let’s figure things out rather than fight about intentions in the face of failed experiments or miscommunication. Let’s utilize our primal instincts and check in. The instinct of good loving is animal, and creatures talk, after all.

Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

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~Thank you.