Sex and kink are exciting! Getting pumped up to explore a partner’s body, get off, get yours, get some!

I’m sure most people have experienced someone “getting handsy”. This phrase describes the behavior of someone who gets ahead of themselves with the touching and sensual/sexual excitability. Sometimes it can be fun and welcome — even a kink for those who enjoy being groped. However, the phrase is usually used to describe behavior that isn’t welcome, or feels overwhelming to the receiver.

Quickies can be super fun! The rush of being overtaken by sexual desire, and perhaps the experience of heightened tension if there’s a possibility of being discovered feeds the flames. However, when sexual activity that isn’t intended to be a quickie is still treated as such, it can be disappointing, uncomfortable, and even painful to someone involved.

The idea I want to explore today is slowing dowwwwnnnnnnnn. All great things come in good time, and even in the world of sexuality these are wise words to consider.

The opposite of a quickie and getting handsy: what happens when we draw our sexual and sensual connections out over time? When my partner(s) and I take the time to be really present in our own bodies and then with one another, not rushing and with no goals or expectations overshadowing the moment we’re actually experiencing, seduction, explosive orgasms, and powerful intimacy is often the result.

Sure, we can call this idea “foreplay”, but it isn’t only that. Foreplay is more about doing the things which excite a body so that the body is ready for other things — an end goal. The ability to slow down so that you can “listen” to your own body and the body of your partner can change the way sex works completely, and the play you engage in might not follow the line of: “because you’ve done Action A for long enough you can move on to Action B”. Being fully present with Action A might lead you to a new idea — to do Action 3.75 or Action Trapezoid, or maybe you get so into Action A that after a while you and your partner feel really satisfied from all that Action A and decide to make a sandwich and call it a day…

Was that foreplay then? I would consider it really enjoyable sexual play. Period. If you want to build a huge raging bonfire of sexual enjoyment, a lot of times you have to start small and build on what you find. Simply piling a bunch of logs on top of one another and expecting it to light can be much more frustrating and less effective.

Looking for a “reaction”: I remember when I first started having sex, my lips were the thing I enjoyed exploring with the most. No, I’m not jumping straight to oral sex. I really loved kissing, nibbling, slowly biting, licking, sucking, shared breathing, playful raspberries… From kissing someone’s mouth, I’d move to the neck and ears, traveling to the collar bone or up and down the shoulder blades and spine, or spend hours on legs, covering every single inch of skin I could find… This type of exploration became some of the most satisfying sex I’ve ever given (or received) whether or not genital stimulation ever became part of our play.

What I love about this type of exploration is the “reward” of reaction, such as my partner jumping, laughing, wiggling, holding their breath, or breathing more deeply. Obviously if I get a negative reaction I stop and check in or ask if I can do what I’m doing differently for a more positive experience. If the reaction I receive is positive, I enjoy trying variations and playing with my technique. Another way to play is to hunker down for a bit and repeat my actions until the reaction changes — perhaps it builds, diminishes, or becomes less positive (at which point I take my cue to move on or change my strategy). The right square inch of skin in combination with the correct amount of pressure and style or rhythm of stimulation can be orgasmic for minutes, and sometimes hours.

Stillness and Quiet are unnerving, and unnerving can be ecstatic: On the subject of eliciting a reaction, have you ever noticed that when someone focuses on you, giving you their complete attention, and are very quiet or very still for a long period of time, your heart rate starts to go up? The tension which builds when you don’t know what to expect from someone, or when you’re waiting for something to happen is exciting. The sense that you’re going to be treated to something and your partner is just waiting for everything to settle so they can give it to you, can be intoxicating.

Sit with yourself for a minute and turn your attention toward your body, your physical sensations, and your emotions. Pay attention to these sensations in silence. Try this in stillness and with slow and controlled movements. As you focus on your senses, you can become more aware of exactly what it is your body wants. Silence and slowness can even teach us a lot about how to find frantic excitement down the line — excitement which works well and serves the purpose, instead of exhausts, feels negative, becomes overwhelming too quickly, or is unsustainable. By listening to your own body you can find a rhythm which suits you and the bodies you’re playing with. Armed with that you’ll be much more likely to have a sensual connection that can build steadily toward ecstasy.

Breathing: Without breath we can’t think, feel, or experience anything for very long. When I fall out of synch with a lover the easiest way to find my way back is checking in with my breathing and slowing down. When I feel more grounded, I can listen for my partner’s breath. By matching their breath with mine I begin to feel their body and energy more clearly, I can tell if they want to move faster or slower, and which things I’m doing to them are the most effective, as well as which actions aren’t as interesting or working. As we match our breath rhythms, our bodies start to fall into tempo with one another and become more energetically connected. Listening for breath and intentionally breathing during sexual play can even be orgasm inducing on its own.

These are a few ideas about how to slow down for increased sexual and sensual pleasure. Not only is it a great idea to explore these techniques and to think about slowing down in general, it can also be an important part of gaining consent with a partner or making sure you’re treating your partner as they want to be treated. Talking about sex can be hard to do. When you slow down to listen to your own body you’ll find it’s easier to listen to others. A Lot of people carry trauma from intimacies in their past, and many people experience pain during particular sexual activities. Sex doesn’t have to be painful unless you want it to be. Help yourself and others find greater limits and expanded pleasure by slowing down and listening. You’ll probably learn something, you might learn a lot.

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