Celebrate the Whole Self: Bisexual Visibility Day

September 23, 2018 by

Today, September 23rd, is “Celebrate Bisexuality Day” also known as “Bi Visibility Day”! Yay!!! I identify as “Sexual”, as in: I’m attracted to you or I’m not, just like everybody else.

In my lifetime, being a “Sexual” person has certainly covered bisexual/pansexual/etc. behaviors. My particular orientation hasn’t discriminated according to gender or sex lines. I love loving whom I love, at the times and in the ways it makes sense to love the people that I do. I love being empowered to negotiate all sorts of romantic, sexual, sensual, friendly, exploratory, and even sometimes surprising types of connection with people who want to enjoy these things with me too.

I didn’t always identify this way. For a long time I considered myself to be a “straight woman who dreamed about, had sex with, and wanted other women” (’cause that’s a thing?)…It literally took someone giving me permission to be bisexual and to go take up space in clubs and other places where I could be around women who liked women, for me to embrace the true nature of my desire to be around and feel accepted by all the types of people I found attractive. Before that moment in time I spent a lot of time self-repressing. In my mind women who liked women didn’t like women who also liked men, and it literally took someone saying, “You’re allowed”, for me to show up at my first dyke bar. Even after that it took me a long time, and much stripping away of internalized fears, to fully believe that I was “enough” and deserved to be part of the amazingly diverse and beautiful queer family I’m now a part of.

Today I endeavor to pay back that kindness, and give permission to anyone who needs it. To anyone who’s ever wondered if it was ok to be attracted to someone, even though they were attracted to other types of people too: You are enough. In fact, that you like different types of people IS WHAT MAKES YOU bi/pan/omni/sexual/queer/open/insert new and original terms here. You exist! Other people like you exist! Just because you’re in a relationship with one person doesn’t mean you cease to exist as a whole person with complex and beautiful attractions! Come out and play!

Take a moment to (at least mentally) fuck the binary, and have some fun figuring out what actually makes you tick. It’s ok if you realize your curiosity isn’t a lifestyle or a forever identity. Just don’t be a repressive jerk about it if you return to a binary identity. As you’ve had the opportunity to play and learn, use that journey as a way to accept and respect others more deeply for their similarities and their differences. Thoughtfully and consensually have a blast with your heart and body, you only get one of them in this short lifetime. Don’t hold back because you fear you won’t fit in the same as someone else. Take care of yourself and your partners.

In general I highly recommend framing one’s sexuality within an ideal of “openness” regardless of who you are. If you’re more on the black and white ends of the spectrum, that’s great though I still think it’s important to empathize with people who are not. Thinking of yourself as someone who has the capacity (even if you’ve never had the experience) of being attracted to someone outside your “type” can help you understand and accept others more deeply and at face value. At the very least this way of thinking may help you become a safer person for LGBTQIA+ people to connect with. At most it could change your life and allow more wonderful creative people to enter your life in varying capacities.

NO SHAME is the name of my solo show, and it’s also a mantra which helps me revel in my life as I greet it every morning. If you’re someone who’s had a hard time resolving your thoughts and feelings on the subjects of sexuality, orientation, gender, sexual behavior, relationships, monogamy, kink, or any other facet of identity, consider personal or couple’s coaching from someone who is familiar with these subjects. I offer classes and coaching sessions for people working on these aspects of their lives, and am passionate about the work. We all deserve to be ourselves fully, and in this society that isn’t easy to figure out without support. Feel free to contact me for more information or with any questions you have, and happy Bisexual Visibility Day!

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art. Thank you.

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A is for ARCHETYPE

May 15, 2018 by

Cultural expectations are killing us. Men are expected to be split between body and intellect — archetypes illustrated as the “bruiser/blue collar worker” vs. the “CEO/nerd/inventor”. Similarly women must be split between their sexuality and nurturing instincts with archetypes most commonly iterate as the “Mother” vs. the “Whore”.

Transness, gender fluidity, non-binary identity, and/or having a focus on personal completeness outside of social construct is a beautiful and freeing place to reside and play within the self. The opportunity to recognize complexity not only within one’s own sex, gender identity, and orientation, but within all of the roles and archetypes set forth within society is critical work. Each of us is a dynamic whole attracted to and successful in embodying (to varying degrees) any archetype presented. Naturally we align with some types more than others — though if being a character actor has taught me anything, it is that empathy for all “types” is not only possible but deeply important and personally effectacious.

The construction worker/plumber/farmer (male body-alligned archetype) day in and day out also works with numbers and real world problem solving to get the job done. The CEO/computer programmer/scientist (deemed essentially intellectual) in order to be effective is inspired by their ability to take in the responses and reactions to their work by the self and the physical world around.

Pregnancy, the so-called harbinger of a nurturer-to-be, is a natural result of expressed sexuality.  Not all sexuality will result in pregnancy. Not all pregnancies are a result of sex or consensual sexuality. Not all nurturers have been through a pregnancy. Not all pregnancies result in nurturing. The nurturer must attend to the needs of their own body first in order not to burn out or harm those in their charge. The sexually accommodating/free/engaged person must care for their health through medical checks, research, development of habits with which to stay safe and healthy, trips to the store for toys, various supplies, and cleaning materials — is this not a dedicated form of nurturance? Sharing a thoughtful and enjoyable sexuality can be deeply nurturing.

Our realities are more complex than the variably defined filters which “identity” causes us to view our civilization, one another, and ourselves through.

Behavior: what we do is as important as how we identify. If we identified along the lines of every experience we’ve had, over time we might allow ourselves to continue having more varied experiences. There is a crisis in communication concerning sexuality, a gap of honesty within ourselves and to one another which allows us to cling tightly to an “idea of oneself” — one’s stated identity — which sends concentric shock waves of distortion to all those nearby. For example, who’s ever been in a relationship where they’ve been led to believe one thing about their partner which, in actual practice, was not completely lived as advertised? We deceive through omission much about our experiences, our behaviors, and our feelings, perhaps in an effort to fit in with what we believe others wish to believe about us, and perhaps to reinforce that which we wish to believe about ourselves.

What if we identified as we have behaved: I’m a “enjoys-making-out-with-anyone-I-feel-kindly-toward-when-I’m-drunk-but-have-only-dated-AMAB-people-romantically-yet-have-enjoyed-being-fisted-by-a-female-during-a-threesome-once-and-only-want-penetration-about-once-a-week-on-average-unless-it’s-with-someone-new-sexual”? It would be more difficult for that person to communicate quickly about what they like and don’t like. I think even more insidiously though, it would be even harder for them to have to explain (and personally own) dissonance with others in a moment of confrontation.

When a woman says they’re “heterosexual”, yet behaviorally has had the experience of making out with another woman “for their male partner’s enjoyment” and found that they liked it too, that woman is not generally expected to make out with other women whenever the opportunity arises. A simple “I’m straight” usually suffices in shutting the scenario down wherever it’s coming from (proposition from another woman, boyfriend wanting it to happen again, or whomever suggesting something like that occur). No one in the situation has to feel bad — because you can’t fight their “identity”. In reality she just might not feel like it. Sadly that’s not a protected reason for turning someone down in most communities, and that articulation may not be respected.

People use a similar line of meaning making when they fail to disclose sexual activity to a partner they’re supposed to be transparent with when the sexual experience happened outside the parameters of “counting”. Take that same woman, she might have a sexual experience with another woman and not tell her boyfriend about it because “it didn’t count” since she’s “heterosexual”. He may still want knowledge of that activity disclosed.

Yet another way this manifests is in longterm repression of personal interests and desires. That same woman may repress her desire to have sexual or sensual experiences with women because she doesn’t want her “heterosexuality” (and let’s be honest: usually all of the privileges it holds) to be put into question by herself or by others.

In all of the above instances it’s illustrated that we’re more attached to the “idea of an identity” than we are to being honest with others or even ourselves about our feelings, reactions, desires, actions, and possibilities. It’s hard to say to someone “I’m not interested” without having an excuse for why it’s “not about them” and “not in your control”. It’s difficult to be explicit and thoughtful about one’s feelings when faced with opportunity, desire, fear, confusion, complexity, inexperience, and a million other felt situations. It’s hard to react to a moment by slowing down and considering all of the moving parts before explaining what you are open and not open to experiencing in that very moment. Sometimes this is doubly reinforced because we are afraid of another person’s reaction to rejection. I think it’s also connected to the common desire “to be liked”. Rejection may cause others not to like us as much, and most everyone wants to identify as “someone who is liked”.

I identify as “sexual”, as in: I’m either attracted to you or not, just like everyone else. A note on what this does not mean:

  • This doesn’t mean that if I am attracted to you I necessarily want to get sexy or romantic about it.
  • This doesn’t mean that if I’m not sexually attracted to you that I never will be. I’ve found on more than one occasion that after years of getting to know someone more intimately I’ve come to find them increasingly sexually palatable and if the right moment came along so might some degree of romantic or sensual/sexual connection.
  • This doesn’t mean that if I am attracted to you and want to get down about it right now that I’ll feel that way in a half hour, a week, or a year from now. I’ve definitely fallen out of sexual attraction with people, and I don’t think I’m the only one to have that experience.

These are all reasons why our culture’s deepening understanding surrounding consent is so important in conversations about sensuality and identity. We are starting more and more fully to recognize the complexity of everyone’s wiring and to ask for consent each time we want to plug in. This is also why it’s critical to be able to talk about sexuality and identity and have the courage to articulate, consider, grow, change, and rearticulate as our needs, feelings, and interests evolve.

The Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone: which is to say, it’s already archetypically expected that through experience and time we change, we grow, and we become. I remember reading an article once that quoted an older person who had been in a very long relationship with their spouse, and they said something to the effect of: to remain in a longterm relationship for decade upon decade one must fall in love with their partner over and over again as they become new people. No one remains unchanged in their lives. Our cells are dying and newly growing every day. We are meant to move through archetypes as we move through new experiences, and to see the world with new eyes and through new reasoning over time. In this technology filled society which overly acknowledges 13-27 year olds and pushes the value of individuality over community, in this time of single generation social groups and media reinforced divisiveness between age brackets, we all lose. We lose sight of one another. We lose sight of where we’re going and where we’ve been. We lose sight of the Earth we live on and the needs of all the organisms cohabiting on our planet which we are not directly speaking to or directing our energies at. Because of these losses we lose the richness of our incredibly complex and diversely intelligent selves. Without these losses, who might each of us be?

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon, or for one time: Support the Artist or email me.
~Thank you.

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Dear UnAmerika’s Sweetheart: Orientation, Identity, Behavior (oh my!)

November 27, 2013 by

Today’s entry comes in the form of an advice column.  Please feel free to write in with your own questions: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com, or fill out the anonymous form below.

This week we’re tackling the idea of Bisexuality – Kinky, you ask?  Well, it is to a lot of people, and I’m happy to talk on this subject, so close to my own heart (I personally identify as “Sexual”).  I think the conversation below is a great jumping off point that intersects with issues any-type-of-queer-person asks themselves at some point: “am I gay enough, bi enough, kinky enough, trans enough…  to fit in with the community that I need/want around me?”

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Dear UnAmerika’s Sweetheart,  

I’m having trouble fitting in with my bisexuality because I “act like a straight girl.”

  The only lady I’ve been involved with sort of came with the man involved.  
I’ve always known I was bisexual, at least attracted to men and women both, but I tend to lean heavily toward men, particularly because of how I enjoy sexual pleasure.  
I had a girlfriend only once and we were both 11 years old, so one might say that “didn’t count”  I’ve been involved with a few ladies since then, only one of which I actually had sex with, and she was sort of “part and parcel.”  She was a part of a married couple (very good friends of mine), they are swingers so they usually party with ladies.
  

I feel like I’m not living up to my bisexuality
.  I’d like to have an ongoing sexual relationship with another woman, but I’ve got, like, zero game.  And then we get into other issues with my gender and sexuality that I’ve been pondering lately

.  I’m thinking about re-identifying as bi-gendered
.  There are a multitude of moral quandaries that go with that
.  Maybe I’m just heterosexual twice over
.  Like, maybe I’m both a straight girl AND a straight boy.  I think this because I have never identified as “lesbian” or “queer” but I can accept “gay” just fine.  And I think part of what is keeping me out of gay clubs (to find other partners) is that I don’t feel “authentically” gay.  I feel like I’m being rude to someone else’s experience by being there.  I struggle with these questions all the time.

If I’m bisexual, why don’t I feel like I’m part of the community?  I claim to be bisexual but I’ve only had boyfriends for over 10 years, I primarily prefer men, I delight in the male sexuality of a girl-girl kiss, and so I’ve been made to think I *claim* to be bisexual for attention.  Why does LGBT feel like a “they” when it should feel like an “us”?  In a weird way, I’ve been made to feel like I’m lying about it.

~ How to Own My Identity (Mantua, Italy)

 

Life's confusing sometimes, but struggle through – you're worth it!

Life’s confusing sometimes, but struggle through – you’re worth it!

Hey HOMY:

First off, I want to say these are pretty normal questions to be having identity crisis over.  Sometimes bisexual women who are “acting like a lesbian” have the same exact issues with their identity that you are describing too!  The fact is, whomever we’re playing around with or find ourselves loving, those people are going to have a gender and a sexual preference, so feeling grounded about your own bisexual identity can be easily and often challenged.  Especially when you feel you’re spending most of your time with only one of the genders you are attracted to.
  You don’t have to be a 50/50 (or a 33/33/33…) bisexual to remain completely and perfectly bisexual!  All that matters is the truth you carry in your head, heart, and pants.  The current behavior you are engaging in is just that, your current behavior.

So lets talk a little about behavior vs. identity.  Identity is the word we attach to ourselves when talking about “who we are” and how we feel about who we are.  It is a word that has behavioral connotations, but also emotional leanings, and it’s a “big picture” word.  Because it’s a big picture word, you probably want to talk in more detail to the people you’re actually involved with about what that identity means to you, because most people do “X Identity” somewhat differently, and it is in our assumptions of what words mean to one another than end up biting us in the ass most times (I find).  Here’s where we get into the importance of “behavior”!  Behavior is just that, what you’re actually doing and who you’re doing it with.  It has nothing to do with how you “feel” about your big picture identity, it’s the actual score board of life that you experience on the day to day.  So, someone might identify as a Lesbian, but every now and again enjoy casual sex with men she has no romantic or relationship strings attached with.  Is she less of a “Lesbian” for behaving this way?  No.  The way she feels about and defends her identity is her choice, her struggle, her POV about herself based in her experiences and feelings about who she is.  Someone with the same exact pattern of behavior might identify as Bisexual/Pansexual/Omnisexual/Sexual/what have you…  So, you see the importance of talking with your partner about what their identity means to them!

Now in your instance, should your current/longtime pattern of behaviors lead you to feel that you’re missing out on a part of your identity, I suggest meditating on that.  Maybe you’ll find you want to go out to a gay (or straight) club sometime to shake up your current background scene and meet new people, or take time to write about/think about/notice/flirt with people who are not in your current romantic focus.  If you are single or in an open relationship (or one that supports you having individual experiences) allowing yourself to explore newer and/or other opportunities might help you feel more balanced in your day to day life and behaviorally more in synch with your big picture identity.

I’d like to mention here that there’s nothing wrong with having a “sexual bucket list” too.  
By putting yourself out there (in your case by going to lesbian nights, queer clubs, or events where girls who like girls are hanging out) you’re more likely to find or develop that “game” you think you have none of.  The more you show up in the community of people you wish to feel a part of, the more comfortable you’ll feel in that community, and the more people in that community will have a chance to find you and accept you as you are

.  Go as an “ally” if you can’t find it in yourself to go as “legitimately gay”, or go as “curious”, or as someone who just wants to be there to meet and be around those “legitimately queer” folk.  And go with friends, people who will support you while you’re all nervous about approaching the object of your desire, or who will make sure you get by the gay police when you get carded at the door.  You are allowed to be who you are!  If someone’s going to judge you for being you, that’s on them; It makes them a dick, not you, and it’s probably a good sign you don’t want to hang out with them anyhow.

I want to address your thoughts about gender here too.  Identity is a really fun box to play around in and only you can define yourself accurately at any given moment in time because only you know what your deepest desires, attractions, and happy places are.  The more you think about it, play with words, ask others how they view their own sexualities and genders and why, the clearer things will become – and remember identity can be a shifty mistress, should you let her be – so have fun figuring it all out.  No one else’s measure will make you more or less right to use the words you use, desire the people you desire, nor should they limit you in finding the things that make you happy.  You aren’t wrong to identify the way you feel you are – even experience be damned.  Is a heterosexual virgin any less heterosexual because they haven’t “gone all the way” yet?  Of course not.  Same applies to you.  Every Genderqueer person has struggled with their identity and their legitimacy as that identity at some point on their journey too.

As for feeling a part of the GLBTQI community, when it comes to bisexuality there’s a TON of bisexual erasure in our communities – both GLBT and Straight.  I believe this is because people tend to like things to be neat and easy.  Being “both” fucks that up for people who feel safer or freer identifying as one or the other (especially people who don’t want to look at the parts of themselves that may also be “both”).  
And practically, bisexuals are just kind of invisible to the world most of the time.  Most bi people “look” gay or straight depending on who they’re involved with if they’re monogamous (and many are), so it’s easy for people to make assumptions based on one singular relationship rather than hold space for a history of varying attractions.  And as easy as it is, it’s still wrong to do.

I just performed in a show entitled “Bilicious“.  This is the second year I’ve done it, and that show each year reminds me there IS a legitimate bisexual community out there, and they’re hungry.  My bisexual audience is extraordinary and it is diverse!  This reality is in direct competition to what the media would have you believe.  For example every time a celebrity comes out in the media as “Gay or Lesbian”, somewhere in me I feel my bisexual rage well up, wanting to scream:

Really?!  Because they’re dating someone of the same gender now it doesn’t matter who they dated or loved before?  Come on!

Obviously there are people for whom this is not the case, they’re just publicly outing their Gay/Lesbian orientation, but the media loves to report on people who’ve “switched sides” rather than incorporated new experiences into their ever evolving identities.  So, as an invisible group within a minority class we have to make ourselves feel a part.  I think a great way to do this is to consider yourself an “and”…  I am gay AND straight
 AND everything in between, AND one word can not encompass my three dimensional reality when it comes to loving and attraction

.  It is easy to limit ourselves, thinking about “my last 3 partners were the same gender, therefore I’m “less” bisexual than I was before”.  It’s hard to remember and feel confident that that’s just not true.
  You get to own your life, your experiences, your meaning making, and your identity.  Other people will always judge, but those judgements aren’t yours to take on.  Even if you never had another same sex experience, would you be any less of who you were/are/will be?  It’s legitimate to fluidly live our lives.

In Conclusion:  Don’t be afraid to be whole the way YOU are whole.  Is an orgasm less of an orgasm because it was given by a hand or a dick or a dildo or a vibrator or by a fantasy or by yourself or another person or five people?  You get to ENJOY your orgasms the way YOU enjoy them.  (Don’t) Fuck anyone who tells you otherwise.  Repression is NOT sex positive or helpful.  You are worth ALL the things that make you happy, so don’t cross things off your list because someone else told you you couldn’t/shouldn’t have them.  Follow the things that make you feel good (keeping in mind consent and not hurting others), and it’s best to find people you’re compatible with on those journeys – people who aren’t going to trigger you, people who you can grow and explore with and be honest around.

It is fear that keeps people limited in their explorations.  You can go beyond your teachings to find your own truth
, one that makes you feel happier/safer/more whole
.  Identify exactly as what feels right to you right now.  You are allowed to do that and you deserve to do that.

  You are processing your truth, and that’s a really healthy way to be in the world.

  Love and be kind to yourself so that you may love and be kind to others.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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