As a professional in the field of sexuality I hear the sentiment of, “I don’t want to pay for X experience“, a lot—whether the experience be a sexual one, to have a particular kink explored, or simply in effort of being Dominated by or submitted to safely and specifically. In and of itself, not paying for any particular thing is a preference—one that also begs a person be able to make the thing themselves, know people who will give it to them for free, or have a trade arrangement (which is just like paying really, let’s not pussyfoot around it). What I take issue with in these conversations are the reasons people cite for not desiring a tailored service from a person with extensive knowledge and abilities in the field of their desire. They usually go something along the lines of, “I don’t want to engage in that sort of thing” or “I want service from someone who actually likes and desires me.”
I responded to a message asking for advice about how to catch the eye of a Fem Domme recently. The writer felt he was failing at the task, and was confused because he himself was a Dom (who also switches), and he figured being a Dominant male should have made it easier to find a willing colleague to provide for him. In the course of his asking for advice he cited both of the anti-sex-worker sentiments above, and made mention that he, “only wanted one submissive experience”—as if it wasn’t a big deal, or was something someone should just easily be able to give him. He was scratching his head about why Fem Doms weren’t easy to attract.
All in all, the tone of his desire for this experience (an experience from a Dominant Woman) was exactly like that of hundreds of cis men who’ve approached me over the years with similar requests. I—and I’m sure many other cis women, genderqueer, and trans people—sense a deep lack of awareness about how they’re coming off to the women, queer, and female people they’re approaching. As this is such a common conversation, I thought I’d share my answer to him and expound a bit further for you. Related side-note: this conversation definitely intersects with race relations and people of other marginalized identities being asked for favors, friendship, and approval from more or differently privileged folk. Though it is not the same conversation as it would be for different experiences of marginalization, it’s a good thing to be aware of—especially when approaching someone whose lived experience is compounded through multiple forms of marginalization. I hope this writing inspires further consideration from people who haven’t thought about imbalance of privilege within circumstances asking for intimate connection. I hope you enjoy my words. If you’ve struggled with this yourself, perhaps you’ll find some new answers or approaches to aid in your struggle.
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First of all cut the anti-sex-worker crap. It does not make anyone sound superior when they say they don’t want to pay for something because they view it as “prostitution”, (and IMHO Dommes aren’t looking for “superior” subs anyways). What it does sound like is controlling and bigoted and just a little bit whiny. (I say this with a caring tone, not harshness, so you might understand a new perspective.)
Being female and being male in this society are just not the same thing (says the nonbinary trans person who experiences aspects of both). Being a male Dom does not carry with it the same feelings, trials, tribulations, considerations, experiences, or perspectives as being a female one, for the most part. Males submitting to females is not the same game as females submitting to males, or queers, or other combinations of traditional and very not traditional power play… There’s a lot to unpack in each gendered and sexed situation, and each combination of archetypes are not unpacking the same things.
For you, a cis male, to submit to a female and/or woman, you must seek to understand and revere the female and the female’s place in our society; allow yourself to revere that person, recognize them for their strengths and resilience, place yourself beneath that female or woman person. Allow yourself to actually give in ways you might not understand, yet are being told by that person that what they ask for is what they actually need/want/desire… to attract the Domme of your dreams you must want to give meaningfully.
If you don’t respect females and women of all stripes in this society, especially those who take power exactly as they desire to and/or need to from within their disenfranchised lives, perhaps you’re coming off a bit like a do-me sub. You may be declining to offer this Domme-of-your-dreams what that Domme would like to have in order to positively notice you. Whether it’s money or something else entirely is every individual’s fetish/fantasy/empowering key to desire, and they’re all different. They all count equally. It’s fine not to want to hire a professional, but don’t pretend you’re getting a better connection from someone who is not one, when honestly that’s your preference and it isn’t the truth—it’s your feeling, and your feeling is wrapped in judgment, not an understanding of the actual way of the world.
Being anti-consensual/passionate/loving/kickass/career-oriented sex-worker is extremely similar to being anti-feminist, and Dommes are a pretty feminist bunch, when you get down to it. Change your tune and you might attract a strong, kind, intelligent, interesting, skilled, incredible Domme or two who know themselves well enough to tell you exactly what they want—be it respect in monetary form as tribute for their time and attentions, your sex, simply to hogtie you exactly as they wish, or whatever else their very individual right-to-their-own-desires might be.
Though my words are strong, they’re meant openly and honestly. Not to hurt, but to round out a limited perspective and to educate. Take it as you may. All of these things are connected.
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In addition to what I’ve written, I want to examine the fact that every successful relationship is predicated on a positive give and take. Even in longterm monogamous vanilla relationships there will always be negotiation about whose job it is to do the dishes and whether or not to have sex when one partner has a headache. We humans relate to one another because we want to and need to, and some of that wanting and needing is governed by knowing we’ll get something of value back when we are open to giving.
What professional sex workers have going really strongly for them is that they are people who have dedicated a portion of their active and conscious lives to sexuality in its many shapes and forms. This includes: reading people; developing ways to maintain personal safety at work; learning a LOT about what turns individual people on and off; navigating negotiations so that everyone is getting what they need out of a meeting; learning (and relearning, and adjusting over time) their boundaries and advocating for them responsibly; communicating really well about things most people have a hard time talking openly about; learning how to sustain health physically, emotionally, psychologically, and energetically in an industry which regularly causes the stimulation, draining, and potential triggering of each of these things; tuning into self-worth and personal values, and advocating terms surrounding these things for sustainability… Practice absolutely does make perfect, and when someone has a hard time finding the sexual/sensual situation of their fantasies, sex workers understand how to make those things happen for you! It’s literally our job to, if we take the job.
Most sex workers I know are personable, pretty non-judgmental (at least with sexuality related issues), interesting, intelligent, resilient-as-fuck, and care both about their clients and about paying their rent and feeding themselves and their families. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these things. Therapists, Doctors, and CEOs are not told they are less valuable because they may or may not really emotionally “care” about their clients and employees—as long as they do a great job at what they do and keep those people relatively happy. So true with sex workers. Am I going to fall in love with a client and start a primary relationship with them? No, probably not (though this is not unheard of in all of history). However, I will say that I care deeply for my regulars, and I share my life with them, as they share theirs with me. We are, after all, engaged in a relationship regardless of whether money is involved or not—and if you think hard enough about it, money is involved in almost every single ongoing relationship. Sex workers simply tend to be better-than-average at navigating emotional boundaries resulting from sensual connections. Here I point to necessity, professionalism, and the ongoing practice of connection and detachment as reason for this developed muscle group. It stands to obvious reason.
Do I know sex workers who are angry, impatient, and/or not that great at what they do? Of course I do. As in every industry, consensual-and-survival sex work is made up of a variety of workers, and workers are people, and people come in a wide range of personalities and diverse backgrounds. What I’ve mostly observed is that people who don’t really enjoy some aspect of sex work, won’t last long doing it (again, I would point out this is the norm in every industry). People who moonlight doing sex work get out of the game when it becomes “work”, or they struggle to find clients that pander to their own fantasies of what sex work should be like. Sex work is very much work, and it is complicated. To paint the canvas of sex work with one color so you don’t have to actually look at any details within it, or to sweep the pieces of sex work that you don’t understand under the rug (out of sight, out of mind), is not only potentially cutting one’s nose off to spite their face, but harmful to the workers—the people—who are endeavoring to make a living in a society stacked against them.
Have you noticed that the group of people who are involved in sex work as providers are almost all women, queer people, trans people, people of color, disabled people, and immigrants? Have you noticed that most clients of sex workers are men and frequently white? These are important facts to look squarely in the face when you decide it’s acceptable to degrade sex workers as lesser than for getting your own particular sexual/sensual needs met. It is no marginalized person’s job to feed your fantasies, and if you can’t find someone who’s not a sex worker to play with, I have a hard time finding a reason you wouldn’t hire a professional in order to get the job done safely, energetically, and with an eye toward your specific desires—especially if you’re only looking for a one-time thing, NSA, or ongoing FWB that won’t develop past your own emotional or committal limitations.
If you decide to hire someone for their time and skills to help you experience a fantasy/urge/desire/need, it’s important for you to vet your provider. If you care, as a client, about how your connection with your provider goes, then do your research when you seek the services of a sex worker. You are definitely being vetted yourself, in some manner. Sex workers who don’t offer what you’re looking for, or who don’t feel you’d be a good match for them will sometimes give you a referral for someone they think will be a better match, or they’ll generally politely decline an appointment with you. Sex workers are not available to do all things for all people all the time. That would make them robots, and sex worker people are not robots (unless they’re roleplaying one for you).
Nowhere else in personal or business worlds (that I can think of outside outright bigotry) do we so bitterly eschew potential happiness in favor of lesser skill, “settling”, or simply going without. For example: if I can’t find someone to make me vegan cookies, you’d better bet I’m heading out to a bakery. I probably have a favorite bakery or two as well, because I’m picky and know what I like in a cookie. While looking for cookies, I take the time to discover whether the bakery I’ve been told about actually makes vegan options, and whether their cookie flavors are ones I enjoy. I don’t bother visiting the bakeries I know won’t cater to my needs, nor do I plead for those bakeries to start baking vegan cookies simply for me—though I might request to see if they’re into the idea. In no way do I believe all bakeries owe me vegan cookies baked in my three favorite flavors—that’s insanity. This is true in all commerce and in all industries, everywhere. Hence our entire capitalist system.
It’s important to do a little research to make sure you’re getting what you ask for. It’s important to care about whether the boss is abusing their workers (if you’re not hiring someone who works independently). It’s important to pay attention to the needs of the providers you approach. If you’re going to be a client, be a good one. It will work out better for all parties in the end, I can guarantee it.
Those of us who are good at some aspect of sex work and venture to make a living from it deserve to be paid for our skills, our time, our considerations of our clients, and our constantly evolving expertise. You, the client, reap those rewards. This shouldn’t be a novel concept just because we’re speaking of sensuality and sexuality. I challenge you to consider what shame, what repression, what judgement, even what bigotry you your self are holding onto the next time you feel the need to put down and degrade those who are making their way in the world utilizing sex work as a chosen profession.
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
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