Photo by Jonathan Beckley
Today I responded to an individual seeking connection and advice in a forum I participate in. It occurred to me while I was writing that I was speaking to multiple people who are or who have been in my life and thought, perhaps, my writing would be helpful to others.
For a little context (though I think these particulars may not be the most important part of my response): this person is young. They grew up in a home experiencing physical, mental, emotional, sexual, and spiritual abuse. They got out at a young age and in the few years since seem to have pursued a fair amount of therapy and are good at self-reflection (judging by how they write). The crux of their angst and the reason for reaching out is a common one: fear that their urge to be sadistic, and harboring “extreme fantasies” (their terminology) is problematic, or somehow that these things define a broken or irreparable spirit. It’s common for people with sadistic tendencies and desires to worry about them—I’d even say healthy that we do so. When the negative voices take over our thoughts, how do we re-find or truly know who we are, how do we heal, how do we become better and safer in our own skins and with others? These are some of my thoughts…
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It sounds like you have a really good understanding of your situation and yourself. In my experience intellectual understanding is not the same thing as “being ok”, and being ok is a lifelong process… you have probably started examining your behaviors, reactions, thoughts, and coping mechanisms at a younger age than most people do. That’s great. It’s also not the whole picture of what will be. I find that the cycles we go on in our lives are spirals, repeating the loop over and over again, familiar and not entirely always the same. The best part of that cyclical-spiral is when we’re onto ourselves, we’re given the opportunity to create space around the experience of trauma. We may never be able to lift ourselves completely from the center of our emotions, but if we can see it coming, or recognize it as it’s happening, we can choose a kind of softness to surround the negative moments with, knowing they’ll pass when they’re ready to: they are not the truth. I hope that’s an experience you can have.
To address (what I hear as) a certain amount of guilt surrounding the fantasies you have and potential play activities you engage in which you deem to be “sadistic”, I hope you know somewhere inside that having those turn-ons doesn’t make you a terrible person. It’s wonderful that you have connection to kink communities who can teach you safety, negotiation, and consent. Your explanation of how you associate with your sadistic thoughts and desires seems to be a healthy one (based on what you wrote).
Pain is part of a continuum with pleasure. I often think of “pain” as “extreme sensation”, as opposed to something inherently destructive. My masochism has taught me a lot about the resiliency of my body, my mind, my emotions, and my spirit—a true gift, as an individual with the need to do a lot of work around trusting the core of who I am, and better know what I am capable of. As a sadistic person (also), I’ve had the experience of witnessing the transformation of worry and fear, of tension and stress within my masochistic subs into voice, sound, movement, processing… much needed release.
The human mind is capable of incredible things, and I think one of the most brilliant aspects of this is our capacity to turn bad experiences, fear, and trauma into opportunities for pleasure via fantasy and sexualization. Of course it is on every individual to keep checking in with themselves to make sure that what we are up to is, indeed, not destructive to ourselves or others; however the impulse to press into what seems depraved or “wrong” is also an impulse to rewalk/redefine a path inside—a path that has been laid down harmfully, alchemizing it into one which might end in safety and pleasure for all. Without release such as these fantasies and adult-playground games, we hold on too tightly to what has been, at forfeiture of who we could be today.
It sounds to me like you’re on the long path of healing. Healing is messy and ill defined. We experience it at our individual paces, and sometimes the places we think we’ve long healed from will burst open again, or never fully come together as we wish… This life is full of opportunity to tend to ourselves, and learn to tend to ourselves we must. You did a good thing by reaching out. Know that you are not alone. You are not awful or wrong for thinking the things you think. You are on a road to somewhere else: somewhere where pain is chosen, survived gratefully and with intention, and accepted as the the gift it is to those who need it. Keep yourself questioning as you walk your path, stay skilled in your endeavors, and be as safe as your know how to be. Communicate. Those you love, those you play with, those who meet you in the place of your wants and needs are matches for you in this life. Walk beside them as you’re able to, and know that in the very conversation about what’s to be done, there’s more than healing: there’s light.
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
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