RACK

Dear Creature,
I always wanted to know what I could take. A fist to the face, stomped, kicked, whipped, held under water… Up to the person doing the beating. Maybe breaking an arm or a leg. But definitely a few fingers. ~In Eyes

In Eyes,

It’s common to wonder how much your body can take, and to fantasize about what it might be like finding the limits of what you can endure. I don’t know exactly what question you’re asking, but since this is a sentiment that a lot of people think about, and I write about BDSM, I’ll address what I hear in your statement and what ideas it brings up for me in that vein. I hope my response helps give you language to articulate your desires and find the right people to share explorations with in a risk-aware and consensual fashion. I hope that my writing aids you in wading through your impulses to sort out what you’d like to learn more about vs. those things you might not be ready for or might not actually want to experience. Since I don’t know your history or experience with BDSM or anything about your physical/emotional/mental state, I’ll write as if you were relatively new to the world of kink and are questioning what’s possible.

The first idea I want to explore is the importance of knowing the difference between reality and fantasy when approaching a scene. The things we don’t know about firsthand are a playground for the imagination, and various ideas that play well in our heads (especially in an aroused state) are not always things we actually desire to seek out or experience when we’re sensually sober or not turned on. It can be difficult to know which ideas are good ones to seek out and which ones should be relegated to the world of fantasy. Once you’ve spent some time articulating your intrigues to yourself, some questions you might want to answer are:

Why do I want to scene in this manner, and what do I hope to accomplish by having an experience like this? Knowing the answer to these questions may help you narrow in on what you actually want rather than a general idea for play. For example: I imagine being whipped. I wonder what that would be like, and decide I want to try bottoming for a whip Top. If I look at my motives more closely I might decide I just want to feel a whip on my skin and see what it’s like on a pain scale, or see how much of a whipping I can take. In this case I would negotiate a whipping scene with a fair amount of warm-up and with someone willing to start off slowly and build, paying attention to my need for rests, etc. On the other hand, perhaps I have a particular roleplay in mind whenever I think about being whipped, and I realize that I don’t want my skin torn or to scar from my whipping scene, instead I want to be bossed around by a “mean Governess” and have her whip me lightly over my clothes in playful punishment, which then quickly becomes a toy for teasing me and wrapping me up in it, to then be tied and groped… As you can see these are two very different scenarios, yet they’re both “whipping scenes”. Not everyone will share an interest in both scenarios, and not everyone will have the skills to engage specifically in what you’re looking for either.
What do I think I can endure, and what are my limits in the scenario I am pursuing? Answering this question will help you inject a bit of grounded reality into your search. It will also help you negotiate responsibly once you find a partner willing to play. Depending on the day, your current emotions, physical state, etc., you may not always answer this question the same way, but answering it even once will give you an idea about what you’re really interested in vs. what you’re less excited about, or simply will not tolerate. This is an important question to think about, articulate as well as you’re able to, and negotiate clearly to be a responsible BDSM partner. BDSM is not about violating people’s actual boundaries — even if we want it to feel that way sometimes. It’s just as important for a Top or D-type to trust their bottom or s-type as it is the other way around. This means the bottom/s-type needs to realistically know their boundaries, be willing to communicate them prior to sceneing, and be willing to speak up within scene if something needs to be addressed.
What are the consequences for playing in the manner I desire, and am I as excited about the potential healing process as I am the scene itself? BDSM can take a toll on our bodies, especially rough body play, impact play, and the use of sharp objects, to mention a few. Consequences from scening can include bruising, broken bones, torn/pierced/cut flesh, bleeding internally or externally, throwing up, becoming ill, STI transmission, bloodborne pathogen transmission, UTIs, physical exhaustion, nerve damage, emotional triggers, mental instability… the list goes on. Some of these consequences are dealt with simply and quickly, some take months or years to repair, and some never heal, leave their mark permanently, or create complications. Not playing safely, ignorance of the potential dangers of various activities, not communicating clearly, and not realizing something was wrong until it was too late are all occasions which have led to the death of BDSM practitioners. That’s something to consider and not take lightly. It’s useful to think about potential consequences: if being punched could break a bone, ask yourself if you are willing to deal with being in pain for the duration of the healing process or any other problems which result from that injury. Ask yourself if you want to deal with hospital bills, medication, loss of work, a few months of pain, and potential complications from one afternoon of experimentation.

There are two phrases people throw around in the BDSM community concerning styles of play: SSC and RACK. SSC stands for “Safe, Sane, and Consensual play”. This means approaching play with a solid understanding of the skills needed to “safely” do what’s been negotiated, to play “sanely”, meaning with regard for consequence and a realistic negotiation of ethics, and “consensually” meaning all that happens in play has been negotiated beforehand and agreed to by all parties. RACK stands for “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”. Consent is still a prime objective, and “risk-aware” points to approaching play with as much knowledge as possible about what is inherently risky about the scene, including what skill level is needed in order to mitigate unintended damage, awareness of the emotional/mental/physical health of the participants, what supplies should be on hand if something goes wrong, etc.

Many of the older BDSM players I know prefer the term RACK, myself included. SSC sounds nice, yet seems to promote a more innocent understanding of how to enter into a scene. I would rather play armed with the idea that I am “aware of risks” and have planned to address them as much as I know how to, than go in thinking I am “playing safe” and so am not at risk for unintended consequences. Though the ideas are generally similar, “Risk Aware” seems a more honest concept to me, and reminds me not to assume I know everything. It speaks to the amount of preparation and ongoing thoughtfulness and awareness I should expect to engage in when I scene.

Am I willing to take responsibility for putting myself in a situation where I may be harmed, experience intense pain, or suffer for a longer period than I imagined I would as a result of engaging in this sort of activity? The more you know about what you do and do not want to experience, the easier it is to get on the same page and negotiate something which feels great to everyone involved. If you are not willing to take responsibility for your actions, your asks, or to negotiate clearly about your boundaries with a scene partner you are not ready to play. If you are not ready to share the responsibility when accidents happen you should not play with others. If you are unwilling to speak up to end a scene when you need to, you are putting something which is your responsibility to address on someone else’s shoulders. This is not a statement about taking responsibility for predatory behaviors which violate negotiated boundaries, assault, rape, manipulation, or misuse. Those things are separate from being in a consensual scene which goes south for some reason, has an honest accident occur, or realizing halfway into it that what you thought you would enjoy is not something you want to continue to explore. In those latter instances you must be prepared to share in the responsibility of ending the scene and working with your partner to take care of any consequences resulting.
Am I capable of stopping a scene once it has begun (red-ing or safe-wording out) if I feel overwhelmed or change my mind about what I want? Continuing from the last question, it is very important that you are able to stop a thing when it feels too much. It is the responsibility of the Top/D-type to check-in and ask if everything is going alright, however no one can be expected to read your mind. Without clearly articulating what you need during a scene you cannot expect someone else to “just know” that you’re not into it anymore. If you are unable or unwilling to say “safeword/red/stop/mercy/slow down” or signal a scene to end in some way, you’re not a safe play partner and shouldn’t enter into play with someone who hasn’t consented to play with a person unwilling or unable to do these things.

A basic difference between abuse and BDSM lies in the ideals of consent and negotiation, as well as in taking responsibility for one’s actions. These values lead responsible Tops, Dominants, switches, subs, and bottoms to do their research about how to give and receive stimulation as safely, knowledgeably, and as ethically as they are capable of. In the BDSM community you’ll find people who play at all levels of intensity, and who have a vast array of skills. Skills in one area do not equal skills in another, and someone who has been in the scene for a very long time may or may not have the specific skills you’re looking for. Even experienced players continue to learn new tricks, take classes to improve skills they already have, and expand their knowledge about what can be done and how to do those things more safely. Some kinky activities may seem very easy and mainstream and other types of popular play many people set as hard limits without a second thought. The world of BDSM is a creative one, an inquisitive and experimental one, and one which thrives off of knowledge, practice, and growth.

If you’re interested in engaging in a scene that could end up breaking a bone, I recommend you approach someone who is studied at and skilled in rough body play. It will probably take time to find a Top or Dominant who would be willing to go that far with you. Trust works from both sides of play. The person Topping a scene which could potentially break a bone must trust that the person who is bottoming is actually consenting to that degree of stimulation, that they can handle the healing process and all it entails, and that they clearly understand and consent to potential long term consequences and complications. You will probably play with someone a number of times before you build that type of trust between you — if you find someone emotionally, mentally, and physically up for breaking someone’s bone on purpose. It may just be easier to take up boxing or find a fight club in your area…

One last thought I have regarding your letter is about the concept of it being “up to the person doing the beating”. This sentiment gives me pause, as it seems to take the responsibility of what you’re asking for off of you and putting it onto another person. It’s important to remember that at the end of the day, you have control and responsibility for your actions and instigations. You have control to stop a scene. You have control to negotiate for what you do and do not want to happen to your body. The Top/D-type may “take that control away” when you are in scene, but you, ultimately, set the pace for the scene and decide when it will end through your actions and inactions. When people speak of “consensual non-consent” in BDSM they are referring to a type of play or a relationship structure where people have agreed to allow the D-type person to “do as they wish”, and the s-type person must “obey and endure it”. These are generally scenes or arrangements with an agreed upon end time, which incorporates check-ins, utilizes stellar communication between players, and there is a safe-word in place. The emphasis is usually on the D-type deciding what type of play will happen and the s-type going along with it as far as they’re able and actually consenting to, rather than engaging in a pre-negotiated scene agreed upon by both parties. As you can imagine relationships such as these do not evolve without play partners knowing one another very well, or without a clear understanding of limits, health factors, interests, and rules in place already. Relationships like these do not happen overnight, nor do they evolve without a lot of consideration. Con-noncon requires the D-type to take on a huge amount of responsibility, and for an s-type to be very committed to managing their discipline. Far more frequently it is a fantasy rather than a regular practice, or a short term scene negotiation rather than a lifestyle choice.

Welcome to the land of figuring out how to get to the places you’re curious to find! Expect to start out slowly and to build one experience upon another. Expect to meet a variety of interesting and imaginative people who may or may not be interested in the same things you are. Expect to talk a *lot* about sex and kink and limits and be willing to process emotions and judgments and even self-shame or surprising revelations along the way. Play with awareness and play safely, responsibly, consensually, courteously, and negotiate realistically. Do your research and practice new skills. You’ll go further that way.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist
~Thank you.

“I thought to bring my own exam gown, as the paper robes are so scratchy. I trust you’ll let me know when it is the right time to change for you…”

“Doctor, my body feels strange and tingly all over, and I’m getting headaches. I’m distracted and can’t seem to get anything done… The source of my madness seems to be the swollen button between my legs. Let me know if you need an accompanying photograph for your files. Thank you for being on call…”

“My preliminary diagnosis is one of nervosa cliterosa… a rather extreme example of female hysteria. It will take considerable effort to treat and will most likely require the insertion of a probe deep into the genitalia… You can see what the probe looks like below. I will also send a picture of other tools that I may employ.”

Who said negotiation can’t be fun? Slipping into character is not always easy, and what feels safe, flirty, and fun over text may not carry into a face to face situation effortlessly. However, role play, for all the cheese and clumsy attempts at cleverness, mixed with the desire to turn on and be turned on, is perfectly emblematic of the “adult playground” which is kink.

What are good role play ideas? Great question! Yes.

That didn’t answer my question… Well, it did though. If all parties are voting yes to a role play idea, why not move to negotiations, scene building, and try it out in a safe, sane, and consensual risk-aware manner? The entire idea behind role play is that we can make fantasies we’d like to experience come to life. Are all fantasies come to life going to prove to be great ideas in the end? No. Just like every time you have sex it’s not the greatest sex, and every day at the office is not the best day there. Don’t be afraid to critique what worked for you and what didn’t when you’re all in a headspace which allows for it. Try again if something in there really worked. Next time keep the good parts and edit out the stuff that fell flat. Add in the stuff you forgot to do or were inspired to try but hadn’t negotiated for yet… You’ll learn a lot about yourself, and potentially one another. Maybe you didn’t know you need the aesthetics of the scene to be really vibrant to get into it, or a wig is all you need to talk filthy dirty, or the feeling of being emotionally powerless was a huge turn on, or that ankle restraints are great for setting the scene — but please make sure they’re undone before fucking because you need to move your legs around to get the best angle for pleasure, or that your partner likes being tickled as long as you’re using that voice, or that you really want to be coerced and emotionally manipulated way more deeply than your partner felt comfortable doing today… Practice makes perfect. This play is yours to write, rewrite, and evolve.

Building a scene: This happens first so a successful fantasy can play out. Building a scene can happen in a lot of different ways, but it must happen beforehand, and it requires a willingness to (probably graphically) talk about sex, talk about desire, and talk about boundaries. Building the scene is a negotiation period where the participating parties figure out what the role play will look like, who plays what character, what might/will/won’t happen in the scene, who’s responsible for what actions/props/environmental controls/costume elements/”extras” casting… and as many of the details as you can figure out to feel safe and secure enough to let go while playing with one another in imagination land.

Character Development: This is an important, and often overlooked part of role play. Character development asks you to look at who your character is, what they want, and how they’re going to get it in the scene. It is entirely one thing to say “I want to do a Doctor/patient scene”, and entirely another when the patient shows up expecting a sexy pornographic gynecological exam, but ends up behind the curtain with a mad scientist Doctor wielding fists full of scalpels and needles, or a MD type who is newly researched and emphatically prepared to give an actual pelvic exam and who would never be comfortable breaking their patient’s trust… When I say “Doctor”, to which flavor of Doctor are we referring? When you say “exam”, what style of exam are we prepping for?

Set, Props, Location, Costume: You can enter role play as instantaneously and fluidly as you can change your voice. You can also spend weeks creating the perfect costume pieces, acquiring props, and revelling in the details of every moment you have planned out. Frequently our scenes fall somewhere in between. What do you want for this role play to feel fun and sexy (or dirty and evil, or exhilarating and uncomfortable, or…)? Maybe all you need are the right shoes or wig to really feel into it, maybe the prevalent image in your head for this scene is the moment someone’s naked body is draped over a furniture piece waiting for you, maybe you just want to feel a wrestling of wills until someone loses and suffers the consequences, maybe as long as “X” happens your partner can flesh out the rest of the night how they please and you’re happy to just be along for the ride, maybe you really don’t want to do this scene at home you need the fresh energy of a foreign room, or… Whatever little details you see or feel or want from a scene are things you should be up front about and plan to include. These details or events will act as triggering forces helping you appreciate the actual situation you are in.

It’s all fun and games, but what if I start feeling feelings? This totally happens. You are in a heightened state employing your psychological and intellectual endowments as well as physical, environmental, and sensual experiences. It’s easy to have your heartstrings pulled when you relax enough to buy into your imagination. To feel yourself empathize with a character, or to suddenly connect more deeply on a personal level with what’s happening in the room, to “feel” the fantasy, and sometimes be triggered by it, are all potential experiences which role play can bring on. We are no different than we were as kids who might have gotten their feelings hurt when they didn’t get what they wanted out of playing house with our friends… Our minds are powerful fuel for behavioral experiments. Know that. Think about potential triggers when you plan your scene. Play honestly with people you trust. Talk in depth about what you want and what you don’t want in a scene, and be prepared before you start. The first aid kit of fantasy role play may be filled with bandaids, toys, and prophylactics, but it should also have an agreed upon script about what to do when someone [starts crying, gets angry, seems out of it, isn’t responding “normally” within the scene, gets agitated…], and of course, safe words and agreed upon aftercare and/or after scene check-ins are important in this type of play too. It might take a little longer than normal to process experiences which are not predominantly physical in nature. Concerning healthy expectations: the more risky the fantasy content (physically, emotionally, psychologically), the more you need to prepare ahead of time, and the more trust you need to have between play partners.

“I’m stepping out of character for a minute”, is a great check-in phrase if you need a reality check, and there is no reason not to take brief time outs when anyone feels the need for one. Sometimes taking 30 seconds out of character helps alleviate a situation more efficiently than searching for a way to say what you need “in character”, or in “code” which might not be interpreted correctly by your scene partner. In that vein, I find calling out discomfort to be the easiest way to get over feelings of inadequacy, nerves, and actual discomfort. If you’re engaging in role play of some kind, chances are that you are someone (and/or with someone) who has a creative mind who wants to use it. Stumbling blocks are often a fear of getting tripped up somehow and falling ungracefully on your face, or offending or hurting someone inadvertently. Repeatedly I’ve found that the surest way to get back to the sensuality and ease with a partner I’m feeling friction around is to call out what’s happening when it isn’t working so we can both take a moment to recalibrate and decide to get back to what works. It also gives opportunity to address the friction if it’s symptomatic of a bigger issue going on between us. Adjustments don’t have to be boner killers, and when they are, well, there was probably a good reason to kill that one — rest assured boners can be built back up. “Back in character now”.

Have fun and laugh at yourself and with one another. Don’t be afraid of catharsis if it’s healthy and everyone around is prepared. Let yourself learn new tricks, let go a little deeper when you feel safe doing so, and lose yourself for a moment in play. Isn’t that why we love this playground in the first place?

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist
~Thank you.

Dear Creature: Rough Stuff

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Dear Creature: Rough Stuff

R is for ROLE PLAY

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