There have been a couple times in my life when I’ve had the opportunity to be alone for long stretches of time. They’ve been good for me, and right now I am kind of in one of them. Technically I’m living in my van, though in practice I’m mostly staying with friends and occasionally crashing outside of their homes if I feel like I need more space than sharing a house offers. Having that small amount of space which is “my space” is something which consistently triggers an interest in my own body that I have a hard time connecting to when I’m living with others — even super sex positive friends and lovers.
When I’m sharing space with people I hold a subconscious fear of being discovered and judged, found out for what I might be doing. This holds back certain impulses about what I feel like doing, even behind closed doors. I can often be found naked when I’m alone, checking myself out in the mirror, or sometimes taking photographs of my body during masturbation or orgasm to see what I look like — there are a lot of different things I have the impulse to do. I want to know how my body changes in various circumstances, what other people see of me that I don’t get to understand without looking. There’s something vulnerable about taking time to really see my parts, my flaws, my sex, my bags and wrinkles. That vulnerable exploration brings me to a deep quiet within myself which I value.
I struggle to settle in and fully embrace that which being achingly alone offers me: no feedback. During the discovery process I have strong impulses to talk about my findings with anyone who will listen. When I’m quiet for longer stretches of time though, I am afforded more space to process deeply, question my own thoughts and reactions for longer, and emotionally sit still with my discoveries as they settle within me. I’ll feel clearer about what I find and more grounded in it.
Do I need people still? Absolutely, of course! Bouncing ideas off others is an important part of learning more. Support from others is helpful, and someone else’s take on an issue leads me to wider, more diverse, and more complex understandings. Other people’s perspectives are a huge part of connecting new dots and finding nuance to the concepts I’m exploring.
But.
Sitting with myself and sorting through feelings is work which brings me closer to something true. Sitting with myself I have the time and space to peel away reactions and judgments as they come to me, to see them for what they are. I can look at the subject I’m exploring from multiple perspectives and consider where to go next, and emotionally my range grows broader. It’s hard sitting with myself and not looking to the internet or television, books, and any other distraction for relief from my own internal solitude, but I am thankful for my time away from others and I am thankful for support and feedback from my community afterward, when I am ready for it.
The line between Hermit-like self-discovery and group conversation which can lead to new understanding, is a tightrope to walk. I don’t want my interests to fade into the foggy world of irrelevance, but to really understand my own perspective I must find my own grounding first. I’m thankful to be afforded time, space, and aloneness in my life right now. I am also grateful to be part of a number of social circles who welcome my thoughts and engage me in conversation when I’m ready.
Do you have daily rituals or practices that offer you time to yourself? Do you find it is hard to commit that time to yourself without interruption? What have you gained by sticking to it and being alone? I’d love to hear about the discoveries you have come to because you allowed yourself to push deeper in, alone.
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature (Crea)
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~Thank you.
