negotiating a BDSM scene

October 7, 2019 by ABCs Of Kink

“I am not the right Dom for everyone”. This is one of the cornerstones of my belief system, even as a professional. I negotiate with a lot of people concerning the experiences they’d like to have. Some of these negotiations end up in really great sessions! Some of them end when it’s clear I don’t offer the particular activities or experiences a client is searching for. Sometime I have to be the one to decline an appointment, telling a potential client to seek someone else out. It might be because they’re looking for services I don’t provide, but often I decline working with someone because they come across as more entitled or disrespectful than I’m willing to deal with. Sure, I don’t make as much money as I could because my boundaries surrounding these things are clear. I have no problem turning down a client I don’t trust, who pushes me about my boundaries, or who seems entitled to my body and time.

We live in a world where cis men (by the numbers, though they certainly aren’t the only offenders) have been brought up believing they have a right to the bodies and actions of the people they’re attracted to. How this comes out behaviorally runs the gamut from people pressuring others into sexual activity, non-consensually touching people in public (and private), not “stopping” or pausing whatever behavior has been requested to end during an argument, declining to engage in (or getting out of) meaningful negotiation in order to get away with whatever actions they aren’t comfortable addressing openly or hearing a “no” about… the list goes on. Today our cultural conversation is more about enthusiastic consent and negotiation, however it’s still really important to hold space for “no means no”, even in arguments, and not to undermine the process of finding an authentic “yes” by utilizing peer pressure.

One of the best tools I have for safety and good rapport in my practice is good vetting technique. I’m not ashamed that I can be a pain to negotiate with. I take it seriously. I ask a lot of questions and expect clear, honest, and comprehensive engagement in return. I don’t book same day appointments with people I haven’t worked with before, as it leaves no time for proper vetting and planning on my part. I rarely agree to same day appointments with people I have worked with before, as that would require me to rise to the occasion of someone else’s expectations without enough time to ground and center the energy I’m offering, which generally makes things feel less safe to me (and certainly less enjoyable). I love being great at what I do, which means I need to know myself intimately, respect and accept my limitations, and build my offerings meaningfully in order to avoid burn out and to perform at a standard which meets my own satisfaction.

My work as a Dom is equal (and similar in many ways) to my work as a performance artist. There isn’t much difference between the two gigs aside from the number of people I have in audience. In both I articulate my perspective about relationships and identity in a skilled manner, utilizing my audience to make my points. I value my creative process, as does my audience, and what we end up co-creating from my lead has the ability to change perspectives, educate, open or reframe personal beliefs, edit behaviors and influence personal meaning-making… the list goes on.

I hold the basic expectation that I’m working with adults who have mastered respect of my autonomous body outside of their personal desires. I take responsibility for what I bring to the table in return. I’m diligent about consent, negotiation of boundaries, and being truthful about my experience level and skills. If I make a mistake I appologise and check-in about it. I do not believe Dominance means perfection, but I do believe it demands taking a higher level of responsibility for the fallout of play. This demands clear ethics in order to follow through meaningfully. I may not ultimately be the one in complete control of my BDSM scenes—the person submitting to me can always revoke their consent and end our play—I am always responsible for my actions and responding to their fallout.

When unforeseen results are experienced, it doesn’t matter that I didn’t mean for them to be. It is up to me to step up and clean up the mess I’ve helped make. Acting responsibly doesn’t mean that someone I’ve harmed or triggered will regain (or even want to regain) their trust in me. When I choose to step into Dominance, I’m stepping into a role fraught with dangers—both the obvious ones expected from any form of risky play, but also unseen and unknown dangers that my actions are capable of triggering. Therefore it’s as important that I trust my sub as it is my sub trusts me. Without the appropriate type and amount of trust on both sides of the equation, it’s much less possible to carry out intimate connection with good endings consistently.

Our society is wrestling with these ideas right now. There’s very little trust of people who think differently or who seem to live a different lifestyle from those they are around. I think many people of a certain age who’ve struggled with marginalization in their lifetime have learned to understand different perspectives enough to navigate conversations which are less than ideal in order to survive. People who haven’t had to struggle through as many hardships, or who haven’t committed to personal growth, haven’t learned these same skills. While I can have empathy for and curiosity about the degree of difference between myself and any person I’m negotiating with, I still must have boundaries in place about how far I’ll bend before I decline to bend any further. I define and redefine this balance (and these lines) throughout time. Knowing myself intimately (positive and negative), examining past mistakes I’ve made, cultivating better understanding about where my boundaries need to be day to day, having conversations with others in similar situations about how they cope with hardships we share, and through constant research I continue to educate myself about how people think, question, and converse in order to connect with others about the things they want and need. This research into “what things mean to people who are not me” is invaluable to my own ability to not burn out. I love being great at what I do. I love getting better at it too.

A person who calls themselves Dominant, yet is incapable of self-examination is not Dominant in my opinion, but domineering. A domineering person has no business taking control of my body. I should not trust a domineering person to do what’s right for me, as they’re in that position to get away with what they can for themselves. A domineering person is not interested in further education when they’re called out for having a bad bedside manner, or not being sensitive to their partner’s needs, fears, boundaries, and goals. To serve a person who’s serving themselves is not submission in my opinion, but akin to walking into situations potentially rife with abuse, neglect, triggers, and unanswered for harm. I think it’s a really sad and dangerous reality that many people assume anyone calling themselves Dominant or Master is a safe, knowledgeable, sensitive, and respectful partner in kinky activity. I find in far too many situations this is simply not the case.

It’s human nature (to some degree) to read into situations the things you want from them. That behavior isn’t necessarily manipulative when it’s not conscious, but it’s often amplified by ignorance of what other people’s needs and expectations might be. This is why my vetting practice is extensive, and my expectations from those I vet are high. I expect that when someone pushes my buttons they’ll either stop or adjust accordingly to my request when I speak up. If a person I’m vetting is disinterested in responding authentically to my requests, why would they act any differently in a session with me? That behavior points to the person being more than simply “an annoyance”, but someone I cannot even consider reasonably safe enough to engage with.

It’s important to suss out which playmates (professional or lifestyle) are trustworthy and suited to your desired skill level, communication level, and have interests and goals matching your own. It’s not that people who I decline to work with are unworthy of love, affection, connection, or play; it’s simply that I’m not convinced time spent with them will pan out in a way which feels nourishing and/or respectful to both of us. That’s not a good match professionally for me, as I take my job and it’s potential for pitfalls seriously. When people do not show themselves to be worthy of trust, creative inspiration will not follow. Without inspiration there’s no scene I can provide that won’t contribute to burning me out. If I’m burnt out my Dominance is worth very little, so what’s the point of play to begin with?

I’d rather build a client list full of trustworthy clients who allow me to shine as I lead us in games which please deeply and satisfy everyone.

I’m not passionate about harming people in the name of BDSM or flexing Dominance publicly or privately. I’m passionate about the incredible connection and meaning which comes from deep vulnerability when people skillfully explore what’s possible, when people decide to eschew their shame and other unwanted repressions in exchange for intimacy and deeper, better knowing.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me pay rent: join Patreon, offer Support or email me directly. Thank you

Creativity and Gaining Consent

February 4, 2019 by ABCs Of Kink

I came across this question recently, and it’s a question I’ve been asked before. It points to the complexity of gaining consent while acknowledging that there’s more to a scene than knowing everything that’s going to occur beforehand. I enjoy the way the questioner shared his thoughts, and his openness about wanting both creative license and responsibility toward his partner by gaining proper consent. Following is his inquiry and my response.

###

I do not want to violate consent and I want to present ideas during negotiations like a good playmate. However, there are some actions which in my mind would probably have more sadistic impact if they were brought up during play and lose some of the shock-and-awe impact if discussed ahead of time. Of course consent would still need to be given when presented, but the ability to give consent during the scene is compromised because of headspace.

For example, if I were to tell a playmate that halfway during the scene I was going to dress up like an alien, abduct them, and examine them, the shock and awe of it would be minimized and I might get a reduced impact when I engaged the hydrophylic-multi-probe.

However could I get consent to that ahead of time anyways?

I think though, my gut is telling me that surprises like that are not good to pop up in the middle of the scene, because of possible past abduction triggers and the such.

So, how do I present abstract ideas in a way that won’t wreck the experience? Do I try and say as little as possible, like, “hey girl, you into alien abduction and examinations” and leave it at that? I’m just worried it would take the spice out of it, and she be like, “damn, why didn’t you just do it instead of telling me first because now I expect it and it ain’t going to be any fun “Marvin”, and then she silently googles alien abductions to make sure I do it right.

Thoughts about losing sadistic shock and awe by discussing abstract actions during negotiations? ~Alien Invader

Dear Alien Invader: What you’re going for is definitely more complex than a sadistic spanking, flogger scene, or even needle play. Your gut is right: you will need varied permissions to achieve consent for something this involved. There are a few ways to achieve what you desire, and I think breaking your scene down into its parts is a good strategy for negotiation. By doing this you’ll also get a better feel for what will and won’t fly with your partner without having to lay your plans completely bare.

If you’re negotiating with a regular play partner you’ll have a different approach and conversation during negotiation than with someone you’re doing pick-up play with. I’m going to answer your question assuming you have some time to discuss what you want—somewhere in between.

First, consider breaking your scene into its parts for conversation geared toward those parts. Keep an eye toward the physical, emotional, and psychological effects the whole of this scene may trigger as you do this. Off the top of my head I’d include conversations about:

Abduction: Abduction is a big subject in and of itself. Are you thinking of just an in-scene abduction, moving from the kitchen to the living room while your partner is blindfolded, or are you throwing your partner into the back of an unmarked van as they exit the grocery store on chore day? Obviously one of these scenarios is MUCH more involved and will require even further breakdowns… Keep in mind too that if you have a desire (or the need) for anyone else to be involved, it’s important to clear each person with your partner and to know to what extent they are allowed to interact sensually, sexually, sadistically, etc. in a scene.
Dominant Archetypes: Does your partner have an interest in or aversion to particular Dominant characters? Does she get really excited about melodramatic horror movie villains but hate masks and non-verbal looming-types? What kinds of characters are exciting to her, and what characters are triggering? If you make a list of over-the-top characters, you can see if she circles “Aliens” as good to go.
Role Play: Does she like role play in general? Is she intrigued by the idea of being someone’s patient? What are her feeling about medical play and otherworldly Doctors or scientists? Are there scenarios she’s absolutely into the idea of which might parallel your alien invasion dynamic that you could discuss? Role play can be tricky for people. Not everyone wants to “play their part” in scene. If you want to be treated as the Alien you’re playing because otherwise you know you’ll lose your interest or confidence in what you’re doing, it’s good to clear role play as an area of interest in general, and know what types of needs you both might have around slipping into and out of character. That way you both know what’s expected of you when someone starts speaking in tongues and dons their lab coat…
Probing and Orifice Penetration: This is probably obvious, but negotiating sexual and sensual touch is basic and still really important. Not everyone is ok with their body being used and abused similarly. Not everyone enjoys sex, penetration, or even genital stimulation involved with their kink. Some people are totally fine with fingers and cocks coming in and out of holes, but not toys. Sometimes everything is on the table except fellatio. Sometimes the person is good to go as long as condoms or other barriers cover anything touching mucus membranes… Make sure that before you penetrate someone’s body that you know what you’re doing and how you’re doing it is on their “green” list. In your particular scene I assume you’ll probably want to clear medical tools and toys along with any bio-bits you intend to use. This is an awesome time to discuss STIs, pregnancy risks, and overall sexual health and interests if you haven’t already.
Costumes: This may seem silly to clear with your partner, but some people get very disoriented when they don’t recognize their partner because of how they’re moving, what they’re wearing, or even how they sound or smell. This could cause your scene to take a bad turn quickly. Masks are a common enough turn off, the textures of various materials, even an inadvertent association with what you’re wearing with a past memory. Sometimes a human mask will elicit a better or worse response than an animal mask or fantasy face. Everyone has different associations with “the other”.
Toys: Consider the toys and tools you’d like to use in your scene. Consider those elements as negotiation points. If you don’t want to focus on your exact line-up of objects, include them in a longer list and have your partner circle the ones they like, cross off the ones they don’t like, and you can check in about the ones that have been left unmarked.

Each one of these checkpoints (plus whatever other ones you feel are appropriate) represents a conversation you’ll want to have prior to sceneing. When you bring all the pieces together there should still be surprises and you have your bases covered. There’s no replacement for getting to know someone well and playing with them a lot over time, however even people you know like the back of your hand still need check-ins and updates concerning their interests and limits. The more trust and knowledge there is built up between you and your partner, the better you’ll be able to navigate which surprises are fun and which are potential disasters.

I will also note that whether a scene comes off as a total surprise or has expected elements contained within it, it’s the scene itself and experiencing these moments together that’s the real magic and joy of play.

The last thing I’ll mention is that asking how your partner feels about surprises in general matters in this instance too. If they love knowing less about what’s going to happen, you can negotiate boundaries around what they do and don’t want during a surprise encounter. If they hate surprises, well, that’s a clear indication you should outline the scenario you have in mind and spitball the details with them.

When it comes to playtime the worst-case scenario for a well negotiated scene (outside of harm or injury of any kind) is that your partner calls red and you engage in whatever aftercare is needed while learning to negotiate even better with that person in the future. Nothing is certain, but by being respectful, responsible, attentive, communicating well, and continuing to be trustworthy you’ll find you can weather mishaps much more effectively than if you operate under the assumption that you know best. You may even be creatively inspired by the conversations you have with your partner, and end up adding ideas you wouldn’t have had otherwise. Good luck in your play!

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please visit my Patreon, offer one time Support or email me for other options. Thank you.

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