K is for KINK

I know, I know, cheating, right?  Well, I don’t think so.  The hotly contested debate on “what is and is not kink” surfaces in most people’s minds from time to time  Often our feelings about the subject results in looking at our various behaviors or desires within the lens of false dichotomy, sometimes either promoting or discouraging our explorations or intimacies.  Let’s take a look at it today, shall we?

What is Kink?  Good question. Dictionary.com has this to say:

bizarre or unconventional sexual preferences or behavior.

And a quick search on Fetlife offers these as some of your options:

Photo by Zee

My tanned hide with a bite mark.  Photo by Zee

Accents, Age Play, Ballbusting, Bare Handed Spanking, Bastinado, Belt Spanking, Blow Jobs, Black Men, Blindfolds, Blushing, Body Paint, Bondage, Boot Licking, Branding, Burlesque, Body Modification, Boot Worship, Boss/Secretary, Braces, Breath Play, Business Suits, Candle Wax, Casting, Chastity, Chastity Devices, Cheerleading Uniforms, Chocolate, Choking, Cigars, Clothespins, Corset, Cinching Corsets, Costumes/Dressing-up, Daddy/girl, Deep Throating, Domestic Servitude, Douching, Energy Play, Figging, Creampie, Cross Dressing, Crying, Cuddles, Female Humiliation, Fingering, Freckles, Hoods, Ice Cubes, Foot Worship, Fur, Goth, Hair Bondage, Hot Oil Massages, Interracial Sex, Kicking, Lingerie, Male Submission, Masochism, Master/Slave, Music, Nudity, Orgasm Control, Intelligence, Interrogation, Kinbaku, Large Labia, Leather, Librarians, Makeup, Master/Slave, Monogamy, Muscle Worship, Pain, Pinching, Posture Collars, Pro Domme, Prostate Massage, Pegging, Petplay, Pigtails, Satin, Sex, Sex In Public, Sex Magick, Sexual Slavery, Sleepy Sex, Small Tits, Socks, Spreader Bars, Swallowing, Swinging, Switching, Toy Making, Victorian Pornography, Puppy Play, Sacred Sexuality, Silk, Sissy Panties, Spitting, Suspension, Switching, Tantra, Tearing Off Clothing, Tears, Toes and Feet, Touching, Transgender, Vibrators, Victorian Lifestyles, Vintage Porn, Violet Wand, Water Torture, Waterbondage, WolfPlay …

Now, this list is extremely partial and at points a bit tongue in cheek, but it may invoke a lot of questions.  Maybe reading through that list you had one or a few of these thoughts pop into your head:

  • Wait a minute: I like that.
  • That’s not kink, that’s just fun.
  • Ew, people actually like that?
  • What does that even mean?
  • How would you turn something like that into a “kink”?
  • No one really does that, do they?
  • That’s offensive.
  • Ooh.  Yeah, I like that one…
  • Ooh.  Yeah, I like that one, but I’d never admit it to anyone or actually do anything about it…
  • That’s not sexual, so how can it be kinky?
  • If I like that one, does that mean I have to identify with kinky people now?
  • If I don’t like ANY of these does that mean I’m not kinky?
  • Why didn’t they mention _________???

And maybe you can answer some of those questions on your own.  Does it matter to you whether you think you’re kinky?  Whether other people would categorize you as such?  Do you worry you do or do not have enough ‘kinky street cred’ to claim your place at the fetish fair?  Do you feel too far outside what you think your friends might think of as normal to fit the ‘vanilla’ label?  Are there aspects of your current or past relationships that were kinky or vanilla or both?  How do you feel about the activities you engage in?  Do those activities ever define your sexuality?

Is this Kink? Photo by Positive Signals

Is this Kink? Based on this image, acknowledging that she is naked but for her wedding ring, who owns her sex?  Photo by Positive Signals

 BDSM:  Let’s take a closer look at these letters and what they mean.  Broken down BDSM stands for: Bondage & Discipline (BD) / Dominant & Submissive (Ds) / Sadism & Masochism SM).  These three pairings talk about some different types of behavior and relationship structures that our culture has deemed to be on the Kinky spectrum.  Bondage and Discipline refers to partner play that involves bondage in various ways (both physical and servitude) and Discipline is a nod to the idea that in roleplay there may be real consequences negotiated between partners.  Dominant and submissive refers to the Top/Bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, and I’m not leaving out the Switches, relationship dynamics that some kinky people might agree to engage in in and/or out of the bedroom.  In this model of kinky relation there is a power differential at play that pleases both the person assuming a degree of control, and the person who is submitting to that power play.  Kinky or Vanilla, regardless of whether you are subject to a clearly negotiated D/s dynamic with your partners, many relationships work best within a framework where one partner controls more of certain activities and less of others, thus operating most smoothly within a power differential at least some of the time.  By consciously engaging in a D/s relationship many kinky people are simply playing with, accepting, enhancing, or sexualizing the innate imbalances we have as people negotiating relationship.  Sadism and Masochism refer to the acts of enjoying hurting someone, or the enjoyment of being hurt.  This part of BDSM speaks most loudly to the range of sensation activities that kinky people might engage in (flogging, needle play, feathers, scratching, biting, punching…).

Fetish: Dictionary.com says:

any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

While the terms ‘fetish’ and ‘kink’ are used interchangeably in common vernacular, the proper use of this word is in reference to the person who is turned on by an object (inanimate or body part), and who often can not satisfactorily complete their sexual arousal without that object present (or at least fantasized about).  While having a fetish most certainly is kinky, not all kinks are fetishes, and not all kinky people engage in fetishizing behaviors.

My very own Kinky existence:  I fluttered around the lightbulb of kink for many many years of my life before coming to embrace it as a concept, a practice, and an empowering aspect which feeds my identity and brings me happiness and fulfillment.  I suppose I could think waaaaay back to being young and playing sex games with my childhood friends, or being turned on by the quite innocent games we made up which often contained inherent control/power dynamics within them.  I could look to my pre-teen and teenage years where I stumbled onto powerful seductive feelings fueled by degrading sexual advances and inappropriate situations, aware that my guilt of these very things made me desire them all the more.  As an adult: toys, being tied up, sexuality education as topping activity, learning things for the first time igniting my libido, performing Drag and Burlesque, holding an audience speechless and captive, bearing the will and pleasure of my partners, demo-bottoming, having a rich fantasy life, mutual masturbation as better than sex sex, and other activities were further indication and practice of these kinky tendencies.  And through owning these desires eventually I found words like super-masochist, submissive, pet, fuck-doll, anorgasmic, pan/bi/sexual, and polyamorous.  I am still figuring out my feelings about these things.  There are days I rail against knowing anything, when I reject the very things that bring me happiness because they make me feel vulnerable.  There are days I doubt my identities in full and fear I’ll never be enough to fill the shoes of “someone who’s really like that”.  There are days I’m grateful that I write a kink blog, teach about sexuality, gender, orientation, and all this wonderful stuff, and get to perform my fantasies on stage…  This is all to say:  I am human.  A complex individual.  My emotions hold sway over my thoughts, and my experiences mean only as much as the meaning I attribute to them.  I love my life.  I am inspired by all of these things, and challenged by them to the point of questioning…

Where can I learn more?  When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt is a great resource both for the budding kinkster and the parent, loved one, family member or co-worker of people who want to be able to openly communicate about their kinks (or be supported and at least understood by the people they’ve given this great book to).  I also recommend checking out Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams (co-authors of “Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities“), who have a few great videos up on Kink Academy about kink, the Kink Community, and who ask a great number of questions about how things might or might not work for you.

I guess, in conclusion I have this to offer:  Kink is what you make it.  No more, no less.  If the idea of being kinky turns you on, then be kinky and be turned on.  If the idea of being labeled such is something that stops you from exploring your own desires or getting closer to your partners, then don’t sweat the label and embrace the activities that allow you and your partners to be happy with one another.  Regardless of whether you’re super kinky, kinda kinky, mostly vanilla, or vanilla, learning about the games that us adult people get to play, negotiating conscientiously, learning about the activities you’re engaging in, and communicating clearly are all wonderful parts of being a healthy active responsible adult.  So consider reading up on it all and trying new things out – we’ve only got so much time on this earth to make each other happy.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

I is for INTERROGATION

Undercover costume complete...

Undercover Spy costume complete…

I mentioned a while back that “electricity is one of the only things that’s “broken” me (grinning as I say it)…“.  Now is the time for that particular story.  I welcome you to the wonderful world of INTERROGATION!

Seriously?!  Interrogation?:  Why yes.  Interrogation.  This word conjures up pictures of harsh lights on the suspect’s face, varied types of torture, manipulation of the accused, threats…  And those are just some of the ways you can make this desire come to life in a scene.  As you may or may not already think about, not all kink is about physical sensations.  Sometimes kinksters like to engage in the emotional or psychological realms in play, and interrogation is definitely one of the ideas I’ll talk about that moves further into emotional and psychological exploration (though it can incorporate a healthy dose of physical endurance as well).  Also, to be clear, interrogation is a more advanced subject/type of play, so please approach it with respect and a level of care that goes beyond some more straight forward endeavors you’d take on.

Ok, so what IS interrogation play?  As with most play, interrogation can be done very different ways, and to vastly different levels or ends, and for different reasons for every person participating in it.  Interrogation is a game where the Top/Interrogator is trying to get some bit of information from the bottom/interrogation subject before the scene ends, and employs all types of coercion to get it.  The information that is being chased can be anything from a person’s name, to a string of numbers, or another bit of information planted pre-scene into the subject’s consciousness, or it can be something more ‘real’ – a story or bit of real life information that the interrogator wants to have given over by their subject.  There are a lot of techniques which can be employed in the extraction of this information, and usually the toybag of a good interrogator contains tools that pull on the heartstrings and brainfolds of the person holding out, not only on their physical constitution or endurance.

The morning after Violet Wand torture thigh marks

The morning after Violet Wand torture

Negotiation:  Negotiation is arguably the most important part of a successful interrogation scene.  Unlike some types of play you might engage in, interrogation negotiation must be pretty extensive and cover territory you might not be used to covering.  Not only do the often asked questions about physical constitution apply (and you want to make sure you are rather rigorous about knowing as much as possible), but you want to know as much as you can about how the bottom might respond to emotional or psychological triggers.  You want to know if there *are* triggers this person is aware of, and how the person behaves when triggered.  You want to know what subjects to steer clear of when taunting them or pushing their buttons.  Interrogation can get mean, and because of this you want to make sure there is really clear communication about the use of safe words for reasons differing from physical fatigue.  Both the Top and bottom in the scene should feel comfortable stopping a scene in the middle of play if they feel something is off.  During an interrogation scene the combination of physical, emotional, and psychological manipulation can tire out a bottom more quickly than anyone thinks probable.  So spend time negotiating.  Spend a few weeks to a month or more planning with one another.  Do your research as an interrogator, and know how to come up from a scene if you find your bottom spiraling down to a place you feel is unhealthy or harmful.

Healing Process/Aftercare:  Just like negotiation the aftercare process will be one you want to make sure you are really clear about.  Depending on how well you know one another or how personally intense the interrogation gets, the bottom may or may not want to engage in a physically close and comforting type of aftercare.  The top in the this scene may have some more needs that usual too – they have, after all, ventured into a land of manipulation and possibly sadistic offense that may be hard for them to resolve in the aftermath.  Regardless, I like thinking of the aftercare of an interrogation scene (or kidnapping, rape play, any type of more emotional/psychologically intrusive play) as a healing process.  If the interrogation play went pretty far beyond anyone’s comfort zones you may be looking at weeks of healing rather than a few hours of cuddle.  Make sure you come out of the  scene giving one another the care and space you respectively need as well as making sure the top is checking in with the bottom a few day after, a week after, and possibly longer.  What might feel ok in the moment of the experience may prick the imagination of the person being interrogated and work at the fears and insecurities that already reside in that person’s psyche creating a triggered state after the scene has ended.  And it is possible to trigger the bottom during play without meaning to creating a situation where they may be looking at a longer process of healing or finding resolution than anyone set out to create.  Make sure you find one another in the aftermath supportively.

My very own dungeon torture interrogation scene:  I was interrogated by a good friend at a spy-themed kinky sex party a while back.  This was a person I was very comfortable playing with,  communicating openly with, someone I trusted and enjoyed, and who I felt I had a great creative rapport with.  We took a good couple months talking about the scene leading up to the party, covering as many negotiation points as we could think of.  Because I was planning this scene with a friend I trusted for an event that I knew I would know most of the people at, I felt very safe not knowing a certain amount of the details about how the scene would go down.  What I did know was that there would be at least one or two other people involved (and I had given my interrogator a list of trusted friends who I knew would be at the party), that the scene would be videotaped on a closed circuit camera and shown on a big TV screen in the “security surveillance room” at the party, that the scene wouldn’t be sexual in nature (but that sex could be threatened), that my physical limitations and hard limits were outlined clearly, that my scene partner knew what types of physical torture I could bear, what my emotional and psychological triggers were, and that we had a game plan for aftercare.  I had no idea what information the interrogator wanted from me, how the scene would begin or end, or what would be happening with me during the scene…

The party was a really fun success, everyone had dressed to the nines and had characters or various plans for the evening.  Before the party had really begun a someone slipped a piece of paper in my hand and I was instructed to memorize the information on it.  It was a series of numbers…  At some point early on in the night, completely out of the blue a bag was thrown over my head, I was held firmly by a couple of people, my legs and arms were quick tied, and I was slung over the shoulder of a large man and carried down to what I assumed was the venue’s dungeon space.

I couldn’t tell how many people were around me or involved in my kidnapping, but I started to recognize some of the voices around me, mainly my interrogator’s, as I was chained, hands over my head, standing, to an anchor point in the ceiling.  I was frisked, manhandled, and talked at for a time…  I can’t say my performer’s mind for script and witty repartee didn’t win out inviting my interrogator to be all the rougher and committed to his vicious role in this arrangement.  A lot of different things happened to me physically during this scene, at some point a spanking bench was employed, and various tools of the sadist’s delight…  The bag came off my head for a time, and was put back on – each time plunging me into darkness and questioning what might be coming next.  There was a bright lightbulb shone into my face upon removal of the bag, and other disorienting visual information on hand.  I realized at some point that beyond the light there was a line of chairs set up and party goers were sitting politely and with morbid fascination watching this scene unfold…  I was strapped into a bondage chair for most of the time with my head, neck, upper arms, forearms, thighs, shins, feet, and waist immobilized.  From that point the physical coercion came mostly from a Violet Wand and dog tag chain used as whipping implement (much more effective then you might think).  Outside of the physical situation though, I was surprised most by the persona of my captor.  He was easy and relaxed, slow to ask for what he wanted, friendly in his demeanor, and quick to remind me that we didn’t have to be enemies or at odds at all, it was entirely my own design if he had to resort to consequences for my failure to cooperate…  He did a really great job playing his part.  I was surprised at the mental exhaustion physical actions took.  Where usually I can bear a great deal of pain, this arrangement caused me to second guess my ability to overcome – to rethink how much I could actually resist, or even wanted to…

The scene progressed slowly and had a great arc to the storytelling.  Eventually I did utter the four numbers I had been told to memorize earlier, and I was comforted a while before being let loose to unwind and enjoy our aftercare.  I think it was a really great first interrogation scene, and I’d be happy to engage in this type of play again for sure.

Evidence of an evening well planned and beautifully played...

Evidence of an evening well planned and beautifully played…

More resources:  I’ll tell you once, and I’ll tell you a thousand times that Kink AcademyFetlife, and your local events are great places to go for more information.  The Kink Academy website hosts quite a few videos on the subject by Danorama (of the awesome duo that is Two Knotty Boys) that are quite good.  Here in New England, NELA and MOB are great resources as well.  In this instance I would really highly recommend talking with other people who have done interrogation before engaging in it yourself along with doing a fair amount of research first.  Have fun messing up your loved ones in the best and most responsible ways possible…

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

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