Hi everyone (especially those of you on dating apps and other p2p platforms meant to connect people), I want to remind you that being trans is not one thing. Trans does not only mean MTF (male to female), though that seems to be what the majority of people think or assume trans looks like when they think of trans people. People who are FTM (female to male) also exist, and make up a good percentage of the people in trans communities. People who are non-binary, genderfluid, and agender exist in large numbers in trans reality too. When someone identifies themselves as trans don’t assume you know what their body looks like, what their life experiences have been, what they are looking for, or what they enjoy doing (in or out of the sack). Trans is a very diverse spectrum of people.

It’s demoralizing to get on one of the very few trans dating spaces online and read through ads realizing that the vast majority of them are not for “trans” but for one specific type of trans person who is being fetishized so thoroughly it’s impossible to feel visible or attractive even on that page which is supposed to be “for you”.

When I was in the process of deciding to start taking testosterone, one of the things which made me the most excited to begin the journey I’m on, was heading out to a festival geared toward QTPOC. It was everything I needed to be around at that time. There were so many different bodies celebrating out in the sun, dressed this way or that, changing appearance regularly, and mixing up masculine, feminine, and androgynous cues so thoroughly that at some point I consciously realized I couldn’t know anything by just looking. It was impossible to see where someone had started on their journey and where they were headed — or even make assumptions about where they were then. The festival lasted a week, with hundreds of people celebrating, enjoying their bodies, being visible in whatever way they desired, changing as the whim struck, eating, playing, performing, commiserating, sharing ideas and space. It was everything I wanted the world to be and an opportunity to participate in my own way. It felt like coming home.

I’m writing this in part because I’m tired of being in the middle-of-middles and having to articulate myself repeatedly to people who don’t know the first thing about non-binary reality or the beautiful and diverse spectrum of trans identities out there. I am tired of writing something about who I am and having strangers think they know what it means and still try to fit me into a box which isn’t mine, that I’ve never claimed, or don’t want to participate in anymore.

Language is this imperfect thing we agree to try and use together. It’s a jumble of words which are approximations of reality. We learn to use these approximations as starting points, and then we work toward cleaner and clearer understanding through deeper conversation. Here’s an example:

I identify as “sexual”. I might introduce myself by saying that I’m “bisexual” though, especially when I don’t have the time or desire to have a more lengthy conversation about my sexual orientation. Most people know what “bisexual” means but may be confused if I said “sexual” with no clarification of my meaning attached to that term.

That’s an example of me using linguistic shorthand. Instead of engaging in a more precise conversation using less generically understood (yet more accurate) terminology, I’m giving someone a basic idea of my meaning without being too concerned with the details. Here’s another example:

I am nonbinary trans (ftm)

This is a sentence I’ve written in dating profiles and ads. You can see that in the sentence itself there is a collision of ideas being represented, specifically nonbinary in juxtaposition to ftm. Right off the bat I’ve given specific information about my assigned sex, in hopes that it’ll narrow down the response shenanigans I receive. And, yes, I chose to write “ftm” rather than “AFAB” (assigned female at birth) because in my experience more people are likely to know the term ftm.

I do not identify as “ftm”. I am not interested in being or becoming “a man”. I am nonbinary. I identify somewhere in the middle of things and my presentation of and interest in gender fluctuates regularly. However, if I don’t insert the “(ftm)” in the sentence above, a few things happen. The first is that most people will assume I have a dick. Not the kind of dick I can strap on, and not what I might call my enlarged clitoris from time to time, but they’ll assume I have a phallus complete with balls which has been attached to my body since birth.

Why would people assume this if all they read was “I’m nonbinary trans”?

• Because Patriarchy.
• AMAB (assigned male at birth) people are the default in this culture, and so if I don’t mention I’m not AMAB, it’s frequently assumed I am. Society sees AMAB bodies as default, and AFAB bodies as marginal.
• This is the same reason everyone knows what drag queens are, but the minute I mention I co-created a drag king troupe which performed together for 15 years, people ask what a drag king is. Our rootedness within misogyny is deep.
• This is also connected to the economic disparity between gay male and lesbian communities. Many trans women have embraced their transness from within the gay male community, and many trans men have embraced their transness from within the lesbian community. Because of the elevated resources of cis men in general (regardless of the orientation of those men), trans women often navigate communities enriched with cis male money and cis male desire/gaze/expectations from the beginning of their identity journey (which is its own burden absolutely), where trans men often flounder within invisibility and lack of community resources until they can pass as cis male and are allowed to “join the club”. This doesn’t even begin to address the realities of people who will never pass as the “other” regardless of whether or not they even want to.

Why do I care if people responding to my ads assume I’m MTF or not?

• Because I don’t want to have my time wasted with annoying questions about my nonexistent dick.
• I also don’t want to deal with the disappointment and demoralization which comes with being told I’m not what the person I’ve been chatting with is looking for, after I mention all my dicks are in drawers, and I’m not necessarily interested in strap-on or phallus-centric sex to begin with… It’s fucking exhausting.
• As someone who feels too masculine to be comfortable identifying as female, who is on testosterone and enjoys some of the physical manifestations of it, and is also way too femme to pass as male, I don’t want to write a book every time I identify as trans. I also don’t want to deal with being the “wrong/disappointing type of trans” either.

If you’re looking for a pre-op transwoman who likes her genitals played with, say that’s want you’re looking for. Don’t act as though anyone who mentions they’re trans is that particular type of trans person, and definitely don’t be less than graceful when you realize the person you’re talking to doesn’t have the plumbing you’re prowling after. It’s entitled, objectifying, dismissive, privileged, shitty, disrespectful, irksome, exhausting, and boring.

Do not treat people who are part of a marginalized reality as though they are worth less for not fitting into your fetishistic image of that group. Trans does not exist to serve cis fantasies. Trans does not exist to please male fantasy. Trans people may want to be sexual or may not want to be sexual with you. Trans people may enjoy having sex in ways you’re familiar with, and/or in ways you haven’t learned about yet. Trans people are vanilla, kinky, GLB, asexual, tops, bottoms, switches, unaffiliated, and/or finding their truths and desires just as we all are. Trans people are diverse. Treat trans people as you would anyone you were interested in: like someone you don’t know about yet. Ask respectful questions while you decide if you’re interested or not. Be polite and caring regardless of whether or not you find you are.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations: Support the Artist or email me.
~Thank you.