Help! I’m New To Kink!

Please check out my Truth or Dare blog and fill out your own game card! I love reading people’s entries, and look forward to playing with you…

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Mx Kinky Karin,

I have a friend who is super new to kink and is curious about exploring and knowing what’s out there. Do you have a resource like a book or website that you would recommend? She is particularly interested in the aspect of kink dealing with sensuality and connection between partners.

~ A Friendly Connector, NM

Yesterday I got two messages pretty much like this one, and there have been a bunch more dotting my inbox recently. People who are new to kink in general, or have recently moved to a new town and are interested in finding other kinksters safely have been hitting me up for the DL. Here are some thoughts and advice I have on the subject:

Being Kinky is Patriotic! Freedom of speech, freedom over my body, and freedom to celebrate what us humanimals are capable of… Photo by Rudy Aguilar (cropped for anonymity by me)

Let’s talk general resources: First off I’ll offer that this very website you’re reading is a great place to rummage around on and gather a pretty varied cross section of what’s going on in the world of kink. I write about a number of different areas of the kink and fetish scenes from varied points of view. Amongst these articles you’ll find “how to” instructions, interviews and writings by kinky guest writers, information about protocols and interpersonal dynamics, and a number of referrals for books, websites, groups, and online teaching resources… and sometimes I even get poetic on the subject.

Moving outside of these blog walls, my favorite online teaching resource is the Kink Academy website. Seriously. They are a fabulous collective of teachers and bloggers and organizers and pro-kinksters from all over the country who make videos and write articles about how to safely learn many different kinky skills. I’ve met a number of these instructors at kinky conventions throughout the years, and even had the opportunity to play with some of them. Every time I’ve been around one of the instructors in this crowd I’ve been incredibly inspired and impressed with their level of professionalism, their care for students and safety, and their generous dispositions. These are people who greatly inspire my own kink geekery! If you do decide to hop on board and get a subscription to their website, please use the link I’ve provided and I’ll get a referral bonus. I wouldn’t be part of their referral program if I didn’t really love what they are doing and how they are doing it — and this site gets gold stars above and beyond simple lovely feelings.

If you’re looking for some good book resources, here are a selection of the articles I’ve written with book links. I am a book junkie and used to be the book buyer for a sexuality boutique, so while you’ll see me reference books in a bunch of my articles, these ones are loaded with suggestions:

Let’s talk being a newbie and/or looking for a community: I think Fetlife can be a great place to connect into. I think of it like a facebook for kinky people of all stripes. It can be overwhelming at first for someone who hasn’t been exposed to a lot, or isn’t used to graphic displays of sexuality and depictions of BDSM. The first time I created an account to check it out, I actually signed up, looked around, got overwhelmed, and deleted my account. The people at Fetlife were really sweet about it and let me know that when I was ready to come back, they’d be there for me. I really appreciated that open invitation, and it didn’t take me long to realize I was ready to take that step and start again. I use FetLife to find events I can connect with other kinksters through, and it’s also great for reading up on people’s ideas about protocols and behavior guidelines in various situations, there are thousands of groups you can snoop around on or join and learn through, and there are entire groups specifically aimed at newbies too — even newbies in your geographical area! One of the things Fetlife does pretty well is highlight what’s happening in local areas, so if you search your hometown it shouldn’t take you long to find a nearby “munch”, or a club night, movie night, or any other number of other gatherings. Many publicly announced gatherings which take place in a private residence or club will require membership or for you to be vetted, before you are given the address. This is to keep the hosting group and their community safe from unknown outsiders, and to keep you safe as a newbie looking for places to play. The vetting process ensures that responsible (seeming) people who understand and agree to the protocols of the event are welcomed in. The vetting process gives the host and the newbie an opportunity to check one another out in a safe environment. If you feel weird about someone vetting you, listen to that, and don’t go to the event. Beware events that invite just anyone to show up without a vetting process in place if they’re in a hotel, private residence, or other non-public space — especially if they openly advertise sex and BDSM activities. Munches are great vetting opportunities where you can meet people who (after you’ve gotten to know one another), might also vouch for you at an event where you’d like to be vetted into. Munches are meet-ups for kinky people to meet each other in a public space. Usually they happen regularly and are often at bars or family restaurants where people are dressed vanilla and no play is expected or tolerated. There may or may not be a private meet-up after some munches so that people who are getting along can talk more in depth or as a group in a more private location. Often people who take on the task of vetting interviews for their community or group will use munches as a safe and easy place to do interviews.

Learn, Practice, Meet Others, Have Experiences: Conventions are so fun! If you can find them in your area and afford the ticket price and hotel fees, I highly recommend going. Conventions are great to take classes at and meet others in your area and beyond who you share interests with, and they can provide a beautiful sense of community as well. Conventions can be a great opportunity to play, as they’ll sometimes have a dungeon space available or play parties planned. They also often host a vendor area, so if you’re looking to stock your toybag with quality kink toys, conventions are a great place to shop.

References are for more than job opportunities: Vetting new play pals is important, so have references and expect references! The longer you’re in “the scene” the more opportunities you’ll have to gain references. References can be gotten from people you’ve played with (or who have seen you play) who are willing to vouch for you as a responsible and healthy play partner. When you’re playing with someone new, ask them to provide you with the names of people you can contact as a reference, and then actually follow up! When you provide someone with a reference make sure that person has agreed to be one for you. It is unsettling to have a stranger inquiring about your personal experiences with another person if you aren’t expecting it, and as most of us in the Kink/BDSM scene highly respect one another’s privacy and safety, it puts an unsuspecting or unprepared reference in an awkward position. Having references who are agreeing to reference on your behalf also ensures you’ll get a good review — imagine sharing someone’s name without their permission or expectation and that person deciding to take the opportunity to talk about how irresponsible or awful you are. Even if someone has mentioned they’ll be a reference for you in the past, it’s polite to let them know you’ve used that offering recently and to potentially expect an inquiry. Even better, ask your reference if they prefer you to share their name and profile link with your potential new playmate, if they would rather be the one reaching out on your behalf, or if they would rather just submit a blurb about you for your use. I have references who prefer each of these methods in my back pocket and politely choose to defer to each individual’s preferences. Not everyone is comfortable being approached by a stranger or has the time to reach out and write to a stranger on my behalf.

In general I think the best way to learn, and have kinky doors open up for you is: do your research, be polite, and ask questions to the people you find who are involved in kinky community events. Watch and listen first, and then ask questions! As you do your research, you’ll notice most newbie questions have been answered a million times, and if you do just a little bit of reading on forum FAQs you won’t end up on the eye-rolling end of those famous “we already answered that question” referral links.

Friends! It’s great to find a few people you trust to explore this kinky new world with too. Have friends, have each other’s backs, and share information with one another as you find it. Always trust your gut and listen to any red flag that rears its head. Use the buddy system and make sure someone always knows where you’re going, with whom, and at what time you’re expected to check back with them when you’re meeting up or playing with someone(s) new. Meet new people in public before you go anywhere private, and leave emergency information and your playmate’s contact info with a friend. I’m not going to harp on the dangers of the world, but they’re real and you should be prepared to face negative possibilities. If you aren’t ready to advocate for yourself by talking to trusted friends about what you’re up to, you probably aren’t ready to play out your fantasies with a potentially dangerous strange person(s). Safety first! Speaking of safety, learn about safe words and use them. Learn about healthy negotiation practices, and be really clear with your play partners about what you expect out of a scene. Know what your playmate wants out of the scene too and only agree to what you’re comfortable with. You always have the right to stop a scene cold in its tracks if you need or want to, and any healthy playmate will respect your wishes on that. Communicate clearly what your non-negotiable boundaries are, and everyone playing should disclose what physical, health (including psychological and emotional), and sexual information is relevant to your play before entering into a scene. Having success in the BDSM world is like anything worth working for: be a good citizen, show up to open community gatherings and know your neighbors — you’re much more likely to have a friendly neighborhood and good experiences around town.

Be Safe, and Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Munches

Photo by Xet.dk at the Danish language Wikipedia

The munch did not look like this at all.  (Photo by Xet.dk at the Danish language Wikipedia)

I went to my first real munch last week and it went smashingly.

Truth be told I’ve been to one once before, but it was very lightly attended and I was the only person there who didn’t know anyone, so I didn’t get as much from it as I wanted to.  I am usually much better at meeting people one on one and keeping in touch than showing up to groups and feeling awkward about how to proceed.  I must say that it was really lovely going to this event and meeting people casually who I would not necessarily bump into randomly in another setting.  It was grounding to be around other kinky people and talk freely about a lot of various topics including kink and non-kink.  I even made some new friends.

A munch, for those of you who haven’t heard the term, is a gathering for kinky people.  Munches are usually held at non-kinky public places (restaurants, cafeterias, cafes), though sometimes they might be held in private residences or kinky play spaces.  Usually there is a theme to the munch.  The one that I went to was a general BDSM/kinky community munch, and it was held in a mall cafeteria.  There are generally munches for any group: age play, female Dominants, whip enthusiasts, hypnosis players, TNG munches are generally for people 35 and under (meaning: The Next Generation), there are munches for people living in a particular area, etc…

Munches are generally recurring, possibly regularly scheduled, and hosted by one or two people who make the arrangements and post information and invitations.  Usually your host will be responsible for calling ahead to reserve a large table or section of a restaurant for a chunk of time, and often munch-goers are welcome to come and go over that time as they please.  As munches are often held in public places they generally require a “vanilla” or “street and family appropriate” dress code, and will sometimes make mention that kinky talk should happen in quieter tones so as not to disrupt the surrounding non-kinky patrons of whatever establishment they are held in.

It looked much much more like this. (Photo by David Hawgood)

It looked much much more like this – except in a mall, not at the British Museum. (Photo by David Hawgood)

While munches are not a place for playing with others, they are a place you can meet people who might invite you to play spaces.  They are definitely places you can learn about the places people in your community gather for play, skill shares, or classes, and sometimes a munch will serve as pre-party to an established play event (though to my knowledge that is rare).

Munches are a place for people who are interested in a particular theme to learn more and meet others who share the interest.  People who have been practicing “in the scene” for decades will be there, as well as newbies who aren’t even sure what they are truly interested in, and of course everyone in between.  At this munch there was a lot of eating, talking, exchanging ideas and references, plan making, catch-up between friends, meeting and introducing new people around, a game of Cards Against Humanity at one end of the table, and eventually the decision to extend the hours and take the group to another place to keep talking.  Brilliant!

You can find munches that are happening in an area near you pretty easily on Fetlife, and sometimes they’ll be posted on meet-up boards online.  Happy hunting, I plan on following up with the people I’ve met, and continue to keep my personal community growing.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Be an ABCs contributor:  Do you have a story or perspective to share about kink or would you like to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

I is for INTERROGATION

Undercover costume complete...

Undercover Spy costume complete…

I mentioned a while back that “electricity is one of the only things that’s “broken” me (grinning as I say it)…“.  Now is the time for that particular story.  I welcome you to the wonderful world of INTERROGATION!

Seriously?!  Interrogation?:  Why yes.  Interrogation.  This word conjures up pictures of harsh lights on the suspect’s face, varied types of torture, manipulation of the accused, threats…  And those are just some of the ways you can make this desire come to life in a scene.  As you may or may not already think about, not all kink is about physical sensations.  Sometimes kinksters like to engage in the emotional or psychological realms in play, and interrogation is definitely one of the ideas I’ll talk about that moves further into emotional and psychological exploration (though it can incorporate a healthy dose of physical endurance as well).  Also, to be clear, interrogation is a more advanced subject/type of play, so please approach it with respect and a level of care that goes beyond some more straight forward endeavors you’d take on.

Ok, so what IS interrogation play?  As with most play, interrogation can be done very different ways, and to vastly different levels or ends, and for different reasons for every person participating in it.  Interrogation is a game where the Top/Interrogator is trying to get some bit of information from the bottom/interrogation subject before the scene ends, and employs all types of coercion to get it.  The information that is being chased can be anything from a person’s name, to a string of numbers, or another bit of information planted pre-scene into the subject’s consciousness, or it can be something more ‘real’ – a story or bit of real life information that the interrogator wants to have given over by their subject.  There are a lot of techniques which can be employed in the extraction of this information, and usually the toybag of a good interrogator contains tools that pull on the heartstrings and brainfolds of the person holding out, not only on their physical constitution or endurance.

The morning after Violet Wand torture thigh marks

The morning after Violet Wand torture

Negotiation:  Negotiation is arguably the most important part of a successful interrogation scene.  Unlike some types of play you might engage in, interrogation negotiation must be pretty extensive and cover territory you might not be used to covering.  Not only do the often asked questions about physical constitution apply (and you want to make sure you are rather rigorous about knowing as much as possible), but you want to know as much as you can about how the bottom might respond to emotional or psychological triggers.  You want to know if there *are* triggers this person is aware of, and how the person behaves when triggered.  You want to know what subjects to steer clear of when taunting them or pushing their buttons.  Interrogation can get mean, and because of this you want to make sure there is really clear communication about the use of safe words for reasons differing from physical fatigue.  Both the Top and bottom in the scene should feel comfortable stopping a scene in the middle of play if they feel something is off.  During an interrogation scene the combination of physical, emotional, and psychological manipulation can tire out a bottom more quickly than anyone thinks probable.  So spend time negotiating.  Spend a few weeks to a month or more planning with one another.  Do your research as an interrogator, and know how to come up from a scene if you find your bottom spiraling down to a place you feel is unhealthy or harmful.

Healing Process/Aftercare:  Just like negotiation the aftercare process will be one you want to make sure you are really clear about.  Depending on how well you know one another or how personally intense the interrogation gets, the bottom may or may not want to engage in a physically close and comforting type of aftercare.  The top in the this scene may have some more needs that usual too – they have, after all, ventured into a land of manipulation and possibly sadistic offense that may be hard for them to resolve in the aftermath.  Regardless, I like thinking of the aftercare of an interrogation scene (or kidnapping, rape play, any type of more emotional/psychologically intrusive play) as a healing process.  If the interrogation play went pretty far beyond anyone’s comfort zones you may be looking at weeks of healing rather than a few hours of cuddle.  Make sure you come out of the  scene giving one another the care and space you respectively need as well as making sure the top is checking in with the bottom a few day after, a week after, and possibly longer.  What might feel ok in the moment of the experience may prick the imagination of the person being interrogated and work at the fears and insecurities that already reside in that person’s psyche creating a triggered state after the scene has ended.  And it is possible to trigger the bottom during play without meaning to creating a situation where they may be looking at a longer process of healing or finding resolution than anyone set out to create.  Make sure you find one another in the aftermath supportively.

My very own dungeon torture interrogation scene:  I was interrogated by a good friend at a spy-themed kinky sex party a while back.  This was a person I was very comfortable playing with,  communicating openly with, someone I trusted and enjoyed, and who I felt I had a great creative rapport with.  We took a good couple months talking about the scene leading up to the party, covering as many negotiation points as we could think of.  Because I was planning this scene with a friend I trusted for an event that I knew I would know most of the people at, I felt very safe not knowing a certain amount of the details about how the scene would go down.  What I did know was that there would be at least one or two other people involved (and I had given my interrogator a list of trusted friends who I knew would be at the party), that the scene would be videotaped on a closed circuit camera and shown on a big TV screen in the “security surveillance room” at the party, that the scene wouldn’t be sexual in nature (but that sex could be threatened), that my physical limitations and hard limits were outlined clearly, that my scene partner knew what types of physical torture I could bear, what my emotional and psychological triggers were, and that we had a game plan for aftercare.  I had no idea what information the interrogator wanted from me, how the scene would begin or end, or what would be happening with me during the scene…

The party was a really fun success, everyone had dressed to the nines and had characters or various plans for the evening.  Before the party had really begun a someone slipped a piece of paper in my hand and I was instructed to memorize the information on it.  It was a series of numbers…  At some point early on in the night, completely out of the blue a bag was thrown over my head, I was held firmly by a couple of people, my legs and arms were quick tied, and I was slung over the shoulder of a large man and carried down to what I assumed was the venue’s dungeon space.

I couldn’t tell how many people were around me or involved in my kidnapping, but I started to recognize some of the voices around me, mainly my interrogator’s, as I was chained, hands over my head, standing, to an anchor point in the ceiling.  I was frisked, manhandled, and talked at for a time…  I can’t say my performer’s mind for script and witty repartee didn’t win out inviting my interrogator to be all the rougher and committed to his vicious role in this arrangement.  A lot of different things happened to me physically during this scene, at some point a spanking bench was employed, and various tools of the sadist’s delight…  The bag came off my head for a time, and was put back on – each time plunging me into darkness and questioning what might be coming next.  There was a bright lightbulb shone into my face upon removal of the bag, and other disorienting visual information on hand.  I realized at some point that beyond the light there was a line of chairs set up and party goers were sitting politely and with morbid fascination watching this scene unfold…  I was strapped into a bondage chair for most of the time with my head, neck, upper arms, forearms, thighs, shins, feet, and waist immobilized.  From that point the physical coercion came mostly from a Violet Wand and dog tag chain used as whipping implement (much more effective then you might think).  Outside of the physical situation though, I was surprised most by the persona of my captor.  He was easy and relaxed, slow to ask for what he wanted, friendly in his demeanor, and quick to remind me that we didn’t have to be enemies or at odds at all, it was entirely my own design if he had to resort to consequences for my failure to cooperate…  He did a really great job playing his part.  I was surprised at the mental exhaustion physical actions took.  Where usually I can bear a great deal of pain, this arrangement caused me to second guess my ability to overcome – to rethink how much I could actually resist, or even wanted to…

The scene progressed slowly and had a great arc to the storytelling.  Eventually I did utter the four numbers I had been told to memorize earlier, and I was comforted a while before being let loose to unwind and enjoy our aftercare.  I think it was a really great first interrogation scene, and I’d be happy to engage in this type of play again for sure.

Evidence of an evening well planned and beautifully played...

Evidence of an evening well planned and beautifully played…

More resources:  I’ll tell you once, and I’ll tell you a thousand times that Kink AcademyFetlife, and your local events are great places to go for more information.  The Kink Academy website hosts quite a few videos on the subject by Danorama (of the awesome duo that is Two Knotty Boys) that are quite good.  Here in New England, NELA and MOB are great resources as well.  In this instance I would really highly recommend talking with other people who have done interrogation before engaging in it yourself along with doing a fair amount of research first.  Have fun messing up your loved ones in the best and most responsible ways possible…

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

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