Sitting with Fear

Photo by Becca A. Lewis

Photo by Becca A. Lewis

Fear is a part of who I am.  I cannot pretend it away or top it with defiance.  I cannot submit to it without allowing depression and anger to take me over.  I cannot ignore it lest it become a wall that no longer allows me to live the way I most want to be.

Fear is.  Simply.  When I let it.

I have power deciding what is best for myself when I am in conversation with my fear.  Talking with Fear I can see it better – the shape and weight, this shadow form effecting me.  I can understand the history fear brings with it – seduction to leave present and react with force that I gathered long before now.  I feel it’s breath, smell it’s scent, and understand it in animal terms when I brave looking fear in the eye and I approach it cautiously.

Understanding it better, I begin to live with my fear.  I drink tea and go about my day acknowledging its presence in the room around me.  Perhaps over time I make friends with my fear, and one day, even if it is not completely gone, I realize it is ok.  I can be happy, even with my fear, peaceful knowing it is unendingly in tow.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Be an ABCs contributor: Do you have a story or perspective to share about kink or would you like to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!

Walking a Scary Line

 I was written recently by a reader of ABCs with some beautiful words that I’d like to share in today’s perspectives…  not only were this reader’s words very encouraging to me, I found the sentiment beautiful and spun in a way I hadn’t thought of.

So to you writer, I say thank you.  Thank you for your encouragement of my writing, and thank you for sharing your ideas, your feelings, your connection, and your own journey through this wonderful and scary world with me.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

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Karin,

Your post about hoods moved me.

Your account of your first experience with a hood, of going from being in fully-reactive mode to… wanting to reach out and touch… was very moving. It reminded me of my experiences of intimacy and helped me see a yearning for more such exploration.

I also share your (or your previous) aversion to hoods in general. It helped me to start facing some more areas of my psychology where I still harbor some deep fear and insecurities when it comes to kinky play.

In fact, I’m pretty sure I put off reading that post for several days because I was afraid of the feelings it might evoke in me. Yet I started to explore this in the past year with some very unusual accessories I bought… not sure if I’d use them, but quite literally trying them on to see how I’d feel. So I’m very glad I finally read the post tonight.

You wield great power in your ability and willingness to really show yourself, vulnerability and all, in your writing (not to mention your performances as well!). Seeing you through your posts helps me see myself, too. Thank you for writing.

~ A Reader

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If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

Some Beginning Thoughts on Pain Processing

From my first "scene" ever - a 5 1/2 hour long exploration of sensation with a wonderfully varied Dominant sailing the ship. Here I am tied "Ebi" style, not so bad initially as I am quite flexible, but you see my leg going blue from cut off circulation... It was precisely the LACK of sensation, rather than any pain I felt that scared me most in this part of the scene... Leg's fine now, a narmal "Karin's Leg color". And an interesting experience for sure.

From my first “scene” ever – a 5 1/2 hour long exploration of sensation with a wonderfully varied Dominant-type friend sailing the ship. Here I am tied “Ebi” style.  It wasn’t so bad initially, as I am quite flexible, but you can see my leg going a little blue from cut off circulation over a longer period of time… It was precisely the LACK of sensation, rather than any pain I felt that bothered/scared me most in this part of our play.  The leg’s fine (and was immediately after release), a normal “Karin’s Leg color” now. It was interesting to learn that I have a harder time with no feeling, than with pain itself.  Of note: this particular tie was created for torture.

I’ve been talking to a few people about pain lately, and ‘pain processing’ – something one does in a scene where they are taking on a certain degree of pain like being hit in rough body play, receiving sharps (needles), using hitting toys, etc, so that they can play longer or to take more pain without ending the play.  Some people who take on pain are masochists (meaning they derive pleasure from pain itself), and some are not but are willing to bear pain for submissive reasons, for the endorphin rush, or to succeed at accomplishing a particular feat or goal.

I was describing what I think is going on with me while I am pain processing to someone I had played with, and I’m wondering how it is like or unlike what others experience. Let me know your thoughts by filling out the anonymous contact form, or emailing me at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com.

The circles in the center of the bruised areas was made with a flat wooden paddle... Happy Birthday to me!

The circles in the center of the bruised areas were made with a flat wooden paddle… Happy Birthday to me!

Here’s what I wrote:  “Pain is experienced as a lot of really distinct layers for me. Kind of like a complex wine… There are sometimes layers of pain that are horrible and too much, types that are warm, types which spread slowly and have an emotional component, types which are very much sexy and a turn on, types that surprise or fry my system… And usually when I’m receiving pain – especially in the context of Rough Body Play – each sensation holds way more than one layer of pain. When I process it’s about searching through the sensations and lifting the ones that are too much to ready myself for the next moment.  So, I think I’m not processing the whole thing each time I take a break, just the parts I need to to come back to center quickly.  I also try to hold on to the layers of pain that are enjoyable and connected to my partner more deeply. It helps, I know, to experience pain that has both terrible and wonderful layers in it at once, because I can hold onto the good parts and melt into those (in a way) while holding the terrible ones at bay for as long as possible…”

My first "sharps" in the form of an "endorphin button"... I loved this experience.

My first “sharps” in the form of an “endorphin button”… I loved this experience.

After having written that, I found and started reading “Nociceptors and the Perception of Pain” by Alan Fein, Ph.D, and right off the bat some of what he’s written seems to coincide with the experience of pain that I describe.  He explains that various nociceptors (pain sensors) register sensation at different speeds – hence my “layers” of pain experience, I think.  I learned that “pain” itself is not a sensation, rather it is an emotional reaction to a particular sensation which elicits varied response in different people; so some people can take more pain than others, and someone can “decide” to toughen up and take a higher level of sensation past the point they normally would when they deem it important to do such.  When I describe the different feelings that accompany pain, I think I am describing a combination of various different types of nociceptor signals (mechanical, chemical, thermal, and the difference between somatic and visceral pain), combined with the emotional reaction I have to those various signals – while “thuddy” pain is more tolerable to me than “stingy” pain, that is in part because I am not as afraid of or reactive to that sensation so I have the ability to more easily take on impact that leads to one type of sensation over the other.  I can also acknowledge the emotional reaction I have to stingy sensation and accept that experience to a higher degree by understanding the difference between physical reality and emotional angst.  Breathing, staying really present with the moment, and swimming between these understandings is part of how I process pain so that I can get to a level of sensation during playtime that I find rewarding – physically, emotionally, sexually, chemically, and relationally.

I’m still reading up on the reality of how bodies function with pain, but I love that one’s ability to recognize sensation and decide what to do with it (fight, flight, enjoy, bear, push deeper, relax into, reject, accept…) are not solely physical limitations, but emotional and psychological challenges as well, and that our actual limits are a flexible and fluctuating conversation between these three states.  The body is a wondrous thing!  What have your experiences with pain processing been?

To Breath and Being,
Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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