D/s — Page 4

H is for HOMEWORK

April 21, 2017 by ABCs Of Kink

Finishing this homework led to one of the sexiest events of my life…

I really enjoy homework. Homework is a creative prompt with which I aim to please my partner. Homework gives me permission to let go and get raunchy and overtly sexual, to be nurturing in a welcomed way, or be useful as set specifically forth by my lover. Homework can stretch my ideas about what I’m capable of, or help me get inspired by new situations I had never dreamed of. Homework definitely presses my “desire to please” buttons, which is a turn on for me too. As for giving homework, it gives me a chance to ask (or demand) what I want from a partner, knowing that they want and value my instruction. It gives me permission to want and practice asking. I delight in the gifts and updates my partner brings me, and each completed task feels like respect and love. Giving also presses my empathic buttons, and I get to enjoy constructing an experience that affects someone, to feel their desire for me as they jump through my hoops…

Some homework instructions I’ve been given, or have given others:

“Go to the hardware store, pick out the hardware needed to create hardpoints for our bed, then come to my work and lay them on the counter in front of you. Remain standing in front of them until I come over.”
“When you get up this morning, insert the Duotone balls and edge seven times. Text me asking to orgasm when you’ve gotten to that point. I might let you.”
“Write me about a fantasy of yours… Be careful what you wish for”
“Write: “I am a very naughty boy” after every hit you take, and number each entry. You had better have good penmanship.”
“Go into the bathroom and take a photo of “X” (X = toy I’m wearing, me topless, fingering myself, me bruising myself… any number of deviant or perverse things) and text it to me before returning to the party/dinner/roadtrip.”
“Write to me and tell me three things you’re interested in experiencing.”
“Show up to our date with toys.”
“I am not your “Mistress”, that title doesn’t suit Me. I expect you to show up to our dinner with a handwritten apology for both incorrectly assuming My title, and that you’re worthy of speaking it without My explicit instruction. You may address Me as Sir in your letter.”
“You need to take better care of yourself, make sure you take a bath today. Tell me about it when you’ve finished.”
Here are examples of my favorite homework assignments completed: the blogs Sports Bar Fantasy and Homework, and the photo above…

As fun as it seems homework can be hard to navigate though, and it takes commitment from both sides of the equation to pan out well. Homework can be hard to negotiate in a few ways, and easily become a game people fall out of playing or get stressed out over rather than turned on by. Creating the right amount of tension and finding the best types of tension in play in any relationship dynamic is hard, BDSM and kink games are no different. Here are some things to consider:

For the Dominant/Top/Asker/Homework Giver: It’s important to remember that the Top in the homework game needs to be held accountable too. If the person providing homework doesn’t check the homework or respond when it’s complete, the bottom’s incentive to be a “good boy/girl/creature” starts to diffuse. If that happens too many times, your bottom may no longer feel like homework is fun, and it may start to feel less like foreplay and more like a thankless chore. This isn’t to say all homework must be fun, per se, though an eye to balance is always helpful in a heartening relationship. Part of what gives homework its appeal are fresh opportunities to please a partner, and ultimately the connection (or “treats”) one gets from their D-type for doing a good thing. When no one checks your homework or comments on it, or brings things to the next level as reward for a job well done (or not well done), what’s the point of doing it in the first place? The magic will begin to fizzle. Notice what homework your partner enjoys completing, is good at, is awful at, seems depressed or stressed out by, etc. It’s your prerogative to only give challenging, hard, stressful, unforgiving, depressing homework to your partner, but it’s also their prerogative to think you’re an asshole and stop playing with you. For best results consider how much homework someone has, and how that affects the rest of their life. There is a fine line between asking too little and too much. A good amount of tension can work well in this game and a Sadist who enjoys eliciting a manageable level of stress might use this knowledge to their benefit.

For the s-type/homework receiver: You must be willing to let your D-type know what is on your plate so that the game can be played in a way where what is asked of you continues to feel fulfilling/sexy/fun/flirtatious/the right kind of stressful/a turn on… Know what affects your ability to say “yes”, and be willing to draw necessary boundaries and say “no” when those boundaries are being violated. There is a big difference between homework which makes you creatively problem solve to get it done, and homework which threatens something you don’t want affected by a your sexual or kinky relationship. For instance, I am a very driven and focused worker. I have a lot of deadlines, and a large portion of my sense of self is derived from meeting my professional goals and a job well done. If I have a really busy day with very little time for myself, and a long list of things to do from my Dominant shows up with a deadline of that evening, I am probably going to be really stressed out — and not in a good way. I may not have time to accomplish all that is on the list and I’ll feel torn between my professional life and my partnership (which for me is an ultimate “not sexy” turmoil). If I have three rehearsals that day, two meetings, and I need to get a blog written, you better believe I’m not excited about a list of time consuming expectations due before dinner. In fact, I’ll probably get emotionally bent out of shape about it, or just feel tired and the opposite of playfully turned on and connected to my partner. I may feel they are being a domineering jerk who doesn’t respect my professionalism rather than my loving thoughtful Dominant trying to add some color and connection into my day. It is my job to let my partner know that I have these boundaries around my work life. It is my job to ask for a later deadline to get this homework done, or essentially safeword out of that tasklist. If I do charge into my day with that list in hand, the homework I accomplish will be under duress, shoddily done, or completed with resentment… No manner of “good boy” head patting at the end of the day will lift my spirits from not taking pride and deviant joy in doing my homework, or worse from having compromised my professional focus and personal values.

What types of circumstances are exciting for you to give under? What types of circumstances are undermining to the intent homework is trying to cultivate? What feelings do you want homework to inspire in you or in your partner? What feelings or circumstances do you not want to face while being asked to do homework? What kinds of homework turn you or your partner on? What types of homework are you ambivalent about? What types of homework do you loathe? What types of homework will you not do?… The more you know yourselves and the clearer you are with one another about what does and doesn’t work, the easier it will be to help each other know what to ask and what not to ask for a strong connection and desireable turnout. The more an s-type shares with their partner, the better a D-type will be able to read them and decide where and how to challenge as they see fit… What D-type doesn’t want that?

I hope you think up a million ways to play with one another, and send me the stories of your favorite challenges and homeworks along the way… To adult imaginations, finding the proper tension, and satisfying, perverted play!

Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and support me. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Filed Under: ABCs Blog Tagged With: adult playtime, bdsm, bondage, communication, D/s, fetish, kink, Kinky homework, masochism, Negotiation, Power Dynamics, Relationship, relationships, sexual orientation, sexuality, submissive, submit writing, tension, trust

Actor Turned Director

March 19, 2017 by ABCs Of Kink

Some of the tools I teach with…

I’ve been thinking about my fantasies a lot lately. I think I need to get a little black (and crimson?) book to write them down in… Fantasies are a beautiful stepping stone to scenario, and scenario is a gorgeous stop on the path to planning and play. I am thinking about fantasies because I want to play…

Who’s down for being mummified? Interrogated? Pierced, poked, slapped, hot waxed, led on a leash, stepped on, or wants my flesh therapeutically under their fingers? Anyone for being an ashtray? Pet? Gender bent? How about a power exchange role play? There are so many games which have been played on me that I am excited to flip the script about and Top or Dominate. My brain won’t stop ticking — it’s really quite amusing.

But what, Monsignor Karin?! Aren’t you a sub my boy? Yes! Well, I have been consistently for a number of years now… I’ve seeked out experiences and play from so many places, done extensive research on kinky things, taught classes and demo’d for workshops, helped partners, and I’ve been lucky (and occasionally unlucky) enough to play with a wide range of people doing inventive, nasty things to delight me. I think I’m ready to find some of my own playthings… Teaching has always brought me close to Dominance, I suppose. That role, Teacher, has kept me firmly in a place of Top with regularity for a few years. “Dominating” during class though is something I have divorced myself from the pleasure of… Recently I’ve had multiple experiences where the scales got tipped somehow. I found myself not just demonstrating “how to” but finding blurred lines and exciting new territory as the experience deepened (consensually) into scening and switch. Like my experiences moving from being an actor to Directing — I find incredible strength and pleasure from being able to communicate with my actors. I salivate while drawing out what is the best of theirs and pushing them to go a little further still, to find excellence before the end. I find I am empathic, understanding the feelings my own actor self might be experiencing in their process, riding the energy of the room as we unfold and find our scene. I leave excited about the connection and the work, happy to have helped… but more.

Something has opened in my heart recently. A desire to serve by lead. A readiness and a feeling of safety I haven’t felt before. An ease with my own self-worth, I think. It’s been this toy, tossed in the room, which I’ve been contemplating for awhile from the corner. I finally batted it about a bit… and then… then… well then, I got excited. Now I want to pounce some more.

It’s interesting that though I’ve considered (and loved) myself submissive, I’ve been intentionally building knowledge, opinions, experiences, connections, researching, teaching classes, and now finally a desire to move from sub, to sub who teaches, to sub who teaches and demos, to freshly blooming Dominant.

Does this mean I don’t want you to beat me up if we’ve got a good thing going?! HELL NO!!! Even therapists have therapists, teachers have teachers, and my sadistic ass didn’t get less masochistic… I don’t know that I’ll ever not want to be handled by a talented, loving, sadistic, hot-as-fuck D-type too… Even if the both of us, for a moment, maybe turn on you…

Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and support me. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: bdsm, D/s, dominant, evolving, fantasy play, fetish, growing up, identity, kink, looking for subs, Mummification, Performance Art, play piercing, Power Dynamics, proDom, Relationship, sex parties, sexuality, submissive, switching, trust

Submissive Woman / Dominant Personality

May 21, 2014 by ABCs Of Kink

Questions I often field from people who do not understand the Dominant/submissive dynamic in relationship have to do with how a strong feminist woman can also be a submissive partner, and how a submissive person can advocate for their needs within the relationship. I read this article a little bit ago and loved it. I personally connected with the author’s POV and experiences, so I contacted her and she’s given me permission to repost her article here. The original article on Fetlife can be found at this link, so if you have an account, please do read up and comment there. I hope you enjoy, and I’d love hearing your thoughts on the subject too. Thank you irishmickey, I am honored to reprint your thoughts.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

###

I *am* a submissive woman with a dominant personality

by irishmickey

As someone who identifies strongly as a sub, I feel sometimes as if I must seem like a walking paradox. I’m strong as hell. I’m smart as hell. I can take care of myself. If I don’t have a partner in my life to submit to, it’s not as if I’m helpless. I’m more than capable of getting shit done, both in my personal life and at my job. And in terms of how I present myself to the world generally – I am no shy, retiring flower. I talk a mile a minute, swear with wild abandon, and have an incredibly sarcastic sense of humor. My laugh can often accurately be described as a guffaw. I think when people think of submissives, they often think of meek types who sort of blend into the scenery, and that’s not me at all. (I’m also not suggesting there is anything wrong with it; it’s just not who I am.) In a large group of new people, I might be a little shy at first, but as soon as I get comfortable, I’m always part of the conversation and the laughter.

And yet, in spite of all that…I have been described as deeply, genuinely submissive by those who have seen that side of me. And I know from my own perspective that when I do submit, it is 100%. Which is not to say that I don’t like to laugh and flirt and have great, deep conversations with a person I am submitting to. And I also need to know that my opinion will be valued and taken into consideration when decisions are made, even though I know I might ultimately be overruled. Because even within my submissive relationships, submissive does NOT equal meek and quiet. I don’t suddenly turn off one part of me when it is time to submit; these facets of my personality coexist.

Once someone has earned my trust, I am completely at his or her whim, although on the surface, it might not always look like it. To an outside observer, most of the time, I would look exactly the same – laughing, joking, talking. But there is that energy between us that I know is there, that I can feel, that never lets me forget what my role is. And all it takes is a single word, a certain tone of voice, from my dominant, and it’s as if I instantly snap to attention. Whatever decision you make, whatever you tell me to do – it will be obeyed. Simple as that. And I suspect in that moment, I do look different – I think there is a stillness and an intense focus that takes over me. (Although it’s hard for me to say, because my memories get fuzzy about those times. I don’t know if this is subspace or not. So often, I read about that being triggered by pain, but what I’m referring to is something that is triggered by tone of voice more than anything else and can happen totally in public.)

I have even tried to describe this feeling in poetry, but there really aren’t words that can accurately describe it, in part because of the fuzzy memory I mentioned. I just know that when I get in that space, there is nothing in the world for me other than you – my sole focus is on what you need, what you want, what I can do for you. That’s all that matters. Which is an INTENSELY vulnerable place to be in, because I’m not sure I could say no in those moments, even if I should. (Fortunately, no one has yet tested me there.) And it’s why trust is so very important – I need to know that you might (will!) hurt me, but that you would never harm me.

So why would I even put myself in that position of vulnerability? Because in those moments, I feel complete. I feel fulfilled. I feel satisfied in a way that nothing else gives me. And because with the right person, I don’t actually feel vulnerable at all; I feel safe and protected and cared for. I feel as if I can let go of control entirely, which is something I crave. All that control I have to exercise in the rest of my life wears me down; the release of submission gives me freedom. And perhaps because of how strong my personality is generally, I find that I need and desire very strong domination. I need to know the person I’m with is strong enough to control the strongest parts of me.

And this is why I come down on the side of the debate that says that dominance and submission are sexual orientations as much as straight and gay. Because this is what I need in my SEXUAL relationships (both long term and casual/play), but it’s not the totality of my personality. Does being gay or bi or straight have anything to do with what that person’s overall personality is and how they act and behave outside of their sexual relationships? No. Despite whatever stereotypes exist, sexual orientation is only one element of a person’s personality. And that extends to submissiveness/dominance as well.

Given that I have not quite 4 months of experience with and exposure to BDSM to go on, I reserve the right to change my mind completely down the line. 😉 But at least for now, it boils down to this: my extroversion and take charge nature are not a front of some sort. They are simply parts of who I am. Being meek and hiding in a corner would make me miserable. In fact, that would make me JUST as miserable as my vanilla relationship did. 🙂 Because being submissive sexually is also part of who I am. It’s what I NEED. I couldn’t begin to explain why I need it. But can anyone explain why, exactly, they prefer men to women or vice versa (or both)? No. It just feels right.

And this feels right.

###

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Be an ABCs contributor: Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: bdsm, D/s, feminist submissive, kink, strong sub, submissive woman with a dominant personality

H is for HOMEWORK

Actor Turned Director

Submissive Woman / Dominant Personality

Support

Subscribe

Recent Posts

Full Archives