What exactly is Dominance and submission? Within the idea of BDSM how does D/s function? How does an agreed upon relational power imbalance effect the people who choose to engage in those roles short term? How about longterm? Does the Dominant partner experience the same things as the submissive partner during play, service, or other activities? Does negotiating a role within an unbalanced power dynamic mean that you yourself are lesser than or above your partner(s) or any other person you share time and energy with? When a submissive is having a hard time and becomes emotional, or a Dominant is domineering and fails to correctly read a situation and respond appropriately, has all sense flown out the window and is it impossible to regain a healthy balance? Is it possible to build upon mistakes and outbursts, utilizing those less-than-desirable behaviors as steps toward better coping mechanisms? Can we look at unhealthy habits or behaviors and develop plans for how to more acceptably process fear and negative reactions in the future?
Variations of these questions come up during relationships, and will definitely come up in ones which have negotiated power differentials as a part of their agreements. Nothing in life is perfect, but if I’ve learned anything in my 41 years relating to others (for better and for worse), it’s that the process of living can lead us closer to the agreeableness we’d like to achieve and to better understandings of one another—if we’re willing to be introspective and confront ourselves about experiences that don’t feel great. I think it’s important not to throw the baby out with the bathwater as we practice caretaking and interdependence. There’s no map showing where we’re going in life, and though we can learn from others at the end of the day those lessons mean naught if we can’t integrate the knowledge unlocked by them into our way in life.
I’ve had experience being submissive in a longterm relationship, and I am someone who is currently Dominant in particular relationships (I’ve also had a number of relationships which weren’t kinky or of the D/s variety). I can definitely say that (for me) the emotions which are pricked on either side of the slash are not the same ones. The nature of unbalancing a dynamic also redistributes meaning to both sides of the field on which we are playing.
When I was submissive to a Dominant partner, every little moment felt bigger than it was probably intended to be. If I was caressed it meant the world to me, if I was told I had disappointed my Sir or if I was forgotten about I fell into despair. As the submissive partner I had signed onto a position of having to trust my Dominant for many many things. I needed to trust their skills during play and that they wouldn’t harm me, trust them to watch out for me in play spaces or in public if I was somehow compromised by them, trust that my feelings were cared for, that my wishes would be respected, that I wasn’t being purposefully misled or manipulated, and that I would only be tasked with offering, performing, and taking what I could actually bear… it’s a very vulnerable place to be. The nature of submission is fraught with potential for knee-jerk reactions and emotional questioning. When I needed to not be submitting, I had to consider what that meant for my relationship, and speak to it responsibly so that expectations and trust could be maintained between us.
When engaging in a Dominant role, I must remember to be grateful for the engagement of my partners, and that my submissives don’t (or may not) hold the same experiences, knowledge, or skill levels I do in various activities. When I am teaching chores to be done specifically to my liking I must honor the learning process and remember to have patience, sometimes teaching a task more than once, sometimes teaching it in a different way or with an eye to the needs and learning methods of each particular submissive I teach. I practice listening and being nonjudgemental to understand what perspectives and situations motivate or hinder each partner I consensually take dominion over. I spend time thinking about what I like and desire, learning and practicing new and better skills, and I question my own authority regularly so that I might be fair and ethical in more cases than not. When I need to not be Dominating, I consider what that means for my relationship, and speak to it responsibly so that expectations and trust can be maintained between us.
Caretaking from a submissive standpoint is different than caretaking from a Dominant one. Think about it. Taking pride in and enjoying making the perfect cup of coffee to serve to my Dominant partner so they can experience some extra energy and pleasure while they work is a form of caretaking, as is cooking or cleaning their home or giving them my body to manipulate. Teaching my submissive to meditate, how to eat healthfully, how to care for themselves, planning experiences, and working a submissive’s body over are some of the ways I caretake as a Dominant partner. The end result of both positions in D/s coming together is still a relationship seeking equal energy flow in and out, maintaining balance.
It’s normal to care for others and seek care and nurturing in return. We learn from one another. Opposites often attract. When we have no one to care for us in the ways we prefer to be cared for, we have ourselves. Relationship with self is one dynamic which never goes away, though it may change greatly over time and is informed through myriad experiences. We need people outside of ourselves though, it can’t be self-soothing all the time in life. Perhaps that’s one reason why when we find a good fit in relationship, it can feel as though everything is dissolving away into overwhelming chaos when we find ourselves stuck or on the outs. It’s important to examine what about the relationships we’re in work for us, and what about them do not. We owe it to ourselves and to one another to consider what changes we need when those thoughts and feelings arise. Nothing is forever, it’s the nature of life to endure change and even to seek it out. In order to stay with a relationship for a long period of time we often must undergo multiple changes, autonomously and with one another.
I believe in the healing power of intentional relating. We cannot always be in control of a situation or of ourselves. We can, however, better learn how to less damagingly dip in and out of the flow when we find ourselves stressed out, triggered, in a rut, beating ourselves up, or making mistakes we’re mortified at having made. Sometimes what we need most from relationship partners is the understanding that there must be support and room to grow on our own.
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
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