Meet Me by the Seesaw

August 28, 2019 by
Nothing beats service that is offered with love and joy

I am happy today. I’m engaged in a number of things which I love. As I write this I’m training a submissive who has been in service to me for a while, I’m writing for my blog (hi!), and preparing to teach a student about Dominance later on. That my sub brought vegan croissants and I’ve taught them how to properly make my coffee certainly adds to my joy as well. Together we’ve created space for joy, deep connection, work to get done, and play. A simple life is often the most excellent one.

Last week was tough. My sub was suffering from the collision of a number of vital life issues which happened to explode at the same time. This (reasonably) thoroughly ungrounded them in the week leading up to our service date. They arrived without having done work I required, and in no headspace to attend to the tasks and adventures I had constructed for us to share that day.

We got the most vital work out of the way, and I redirected the remainder of our time together toward acknowledging and working through what was going on. We spoke at length about their situation and how it could be managed and resolved most easily and stably. Amidst an onslaught of apologies and self-flagellation (something I accept and acknowledge once or twice, but suffer not as a tool of attention seeking or derailment), we found space to talk about what was going on. They spoke to the complicated feelings and triggered fears that were a part of why these problems had such an emotional and destabilizing impact. We built—dreamed even—on how to move into a better place. By the end of our time together they were in much better shape, and ready to face the trials of their upcoming week positively, feeling centered again.

I’m happy to say they came to me this week doing much better, with solutions to their issues in play and moving onward. I do not wish ill on others in any way, but I do take pleasure from being a rock to those I care for. It feels great to be a useful partner, navigating my loved ones out from under their anxieties, and into a place of openness and re-found pleasure.

Mornings like this one make me feel as though all’s right in the world. I wish I was able to command them more frequently… all in good in time.

I wrote a mantra for this sub which I have them recite each time I collar them for service. One of the lines is, “…To follow and to serve Creature Sir most excellently”. Last week for homework they were to write an essay on what this line means to them, to break it down concept by concept, and to speak to the idea as a whole. I was not disappointed with their offering when I read their thoughts on the subject today.

Understanding the reasons why we do a thing or need is a gift. The gift of knowing can be an uneasy one, gratifying, eye-opening, worrisome, pleasurable, and/or a million other things. By understanding our personal motivations, we’re given the gift of choice. Choice to engage further or to end engagement, choice to renegotiate or to stay the course, choice to embrace a moment or to struggle onward, choice to get creative, choice to solve for whatever issues we haven’t fully figured out yet. For myself as Dominant and for those who are switching or submissive, that we come to the seesaw of D/s with an idea of what makes power exchange a positive or important form of play for us as individuals, is to be present at the fulcrum of autonomy and community with dignity, grace, with an ability to ask for exactly what it is we need and desire.

The fulcrum of a seesaw is the point from which all hinges and from where all movement comes. All balances out, clicks into place, or falls apart at this point. The fulcrum is a place where we have the ability to transform and expand. The mundane can become a nourishing and spectacular thing. Any idea or action has opportunity to slow down and be enjoyed deeply when true balance is struck here.

How does one negotiate good balance in D/s? I believe first and foremost we must be willing to listen to our own desires. We must be courageous enough to say what they are, and we must do the internal work of strengthening our abilities to trust and to disengage from untrustworthy partners and situations. We must listen to one another, and we must dedicate ourselves to being beholden to something, anything, which our exchange agreement rests upon.

What do you desire, really truly deeply down inside? Do you dare cultivate a life which includes those things? Can you find partners who you trust will help you, guide you, co-create with you along the way?

Meet me by the seesaw. I love to listen, I love to connect, I love to teach, and I love to instigate.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
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Addressing Kink Scene Expectations and the Gap Existent within Individual Realities

May 24, 2018 by

“Cupid for Balin”, photo by Martin Fisch

I was talking to someone recently about how thoroughly different experiences and individual takeaways can be for persons sceneing with one another. It can be very challenging when it isn’t understood by your partner that the experience happening in their body/heart/mind doesn’t play out like your own experience of the scene you’re both engaged in. I thought this was an interesting topic to write about, so here we are… This subject can be broken down into a lot of different topics, I’ve written about a couple of them. I have a lot more to say on this issue than I’ll get into in today’s blog, but it’s a place to start.

Point of difference: Dominants and submissives emotionally and intellectually (not to mention physically) have very different functions in a scene, and so very different experiences and potential meaning makings from any given interaction. This seems reasonable and even obvious if you think about it. It could be said that the “job” of a Dominant is to come up with ideas for play, to practice skills, and often to administer physical, mental, or emotional manipulations of another person. This work is intellectual as well as physical, it requires time, consideration, preparation, and check-ins to be done well. A submissive’s “job” is often to receive, primarily physically and emotionally. A submissive may often be expected to enact another person’s will, and effort to please, bear, or follow. It’s possible to submit without having skills at the ready, or even knowledge of what will happen when one meets a partner for play. Pre-scene preparation for a submissive may be more personal and less about their partner’s needs (outside of any homework they’ve been given or expectations previously outlined by the Dominant). In my experience as a switch who’s gone pretty far in both directions, I can definitely say that what I get out of Dominating someone is very different than what I get out of submission. I can explain the differences between these experiences most clearly by writing about my emotional and intellectual observations.

When I submit to someone I am bending to their will. The emotional component of this is strong. How I then feel toward someone whom I’ve handed that much trust to, or invested that heavily in pleasing, or allowing myself to be flooded with chemicals from our play, is such that I find I may get emotionally attached to them quite easily. I am almost always out of my intellectual element when I submit.

When I Dominate I get off by being pleased, by nurturing, by being physical, by feeling empathy and connection with my partner, by having done a good job pulling someone out of themselves, and by garnering the chemicals and emotions which will allow my sub to intellectually disengage and “fly”. I enjoy being affective. I put a lot of thought and preparation into my scenes and I try to make sure my skill administration, my communication, and my requests are not harmful to my playmates (pleasurable even) — even days and weeks after our interaction. Maybe because of my need to be logistically and holistically responsible for what happens, I do not develop the same “need” to play with certain people time and time again or on a regular schedule. My desire tends to be a little more activity oriented than person or timeframe oriented.

The heart wants, where the mind acknowledges distance.

I am sure this is not the case for everybody. I have observed in the kink scene that it’s more common to find Dominants who play with multiple subs, than subs who trust and fully submit to (rather than simply agree to bottom to) multiple Dominants. I wonder if the difference in one’s emotional vs. intellectual investment effects that?

It’s very possible to Dominate someone who is bottoming, or to Top someone who is submitting. How we feel about what we are doing is each person’s individual takeaway, and thus reality. I think it’s common to project one’s own meaning making based on their emotional/physical/mental/spiritual/lived experience onto partners, and to form expectations of others along those lines. It can be difficult to ask a partner what they got out of a moment of connection. Perhaps this is due to a fear that our experiences can be “wrong” or “not count” if they aren’t shared by our partners?

Point of difference: Kink as a potentially healing activity, or trauma informed catharsis is not for everyone. This is a more complicated look at the subject, one which can have deeply meaningful fallout, and one which I think a lot of people don’t take the time to consider. One of the genius parts of the human psyche is our ability to sexualize trauma as a way of overpowering an instilled feeling of powerlessness in order to heal it. You may have heard the phrase, “Kink isn’t therapy, but it can be therapeutic”. This is absolutely true for a lot of individuals. What people often fail to realize though, is that what’s happening in one person’s head is not necessarily (or even commonly) happening or being considered in their partner’s.

Of note: the rate of abuse in our world is so high it’s common for a person to be dealing with some form of trauma while engaging in sexual or kink related activities. For some people to function normally or have sexualities/sensualities which are accessible at all, sexualizing activities and emotions which are taboo, or attempting to reclaim power within a scenario another person might never want to experience (much less negotiate about), is very real.

It is absolutely every person’s right not to engage in fantasy/sensual/sexual play that feels like edge play to them, or feels as though they are having to process or be complicit in something they morally, ethically, or in any other way do not condone. It’s important not to demonize people whose psychologies are different from our own. It is especially important to keep this in mind when interacting with people who have gone through trauma and who feel safe enough to let you know what has happened to them. There is a marked difference between judging someone, and accepting that their needs are not ones you’re interested in fulfilling or even further discussing.

I would hazard to say that the more taboo the kink being discussed is, the higher chance you have of running into a person who’s processing some sort of trauma when they engage in it. It’s understandable if that feels bad for you to partake in. These realities have to coexist, because, well, in reality they do. What we have power over is what we do about this disparity in realities when we interact with each other.

This is a primary reason that when I negotiate any type of play (role play, edge play, or other activity) with someone (Dominant or submissive) I try to ask during our interview if anything like the activity we’re negotiating has happened to them in a negative way, “Is it possible or probable that how we’re planning to engage with one another could be triggering?”. There are big differences between planning a scene which is meant to be an innocent exploration of a fantasy, and finding yourself in a scene which is triggering, or intentionally engaging in edge play, or playing specifically in order to overcome deeper emotions and address someone’s emotional or mental health. It should be every individual’s choice to negotiate engaging up to (and not beyond) whatever level they feel comfortable.

If someone’s limit is “not playing with people who have a history of abuse in the type of play being negotiated”, that doesn’t make them a bad person or an unsympathetic partner. In fact, knowing that’s a limit of theirs is helpful to know upfront for those people desiring play which will go deeper or might take on a darker catharsis. I think a lot of people come across these disparities of needs, or conflicts of boundaries.

It’s vital to talk about our differences. When someone is approached with a desire or fantasy which feels triggering, dangerous, or like it would require a higher level of responsibility than that person is willing to take on, it’s important to voice that in a firm but non-shaming manner. This is how we help one another grow, learn to advocate for our needs, and communicate more and more respectfully over time.

Where we meet (hopefully) is in the moments of connection we do find with one another. We search for partners who want to play similar games, and those whom we enjoy playing with. Maybe it’s attraction, chemistry, the dungeon-side manner, the desire for a certain level of intensity, the challenge, the growth, the admiration, the trust, or any other limitless number of ingredients which go into a play partnership which make a person’s partner(s) the one(s) who flip their switches and make them want to come to the table with everything they’ve got. Like the socialization lessons we learned on the playground as kids, we must respect the boundaries of those we enjoy or we will not have them around to enjoy for very long. Not everyone wants to play the same games everyday or with the same people all the time. Not every person enjoys playing to the same level, or will reap rewards at the same pace.

For a moment in time to be cohesively beautiful between two (or more) people, we work. We do not owe one another to go outside of our personal limits in order to connect. The desire to connect itself is changeable, sometimes fragile, and hopefully evolves over time as we do.

I like to think that we do owe one another words. The truth as we each understand it is a glimpse into the inner workings of our desires, experiences, and needs. This is how we bridge the gap between all the variable expectations between us, which simply exist.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon, or for one time: Support the Artist or email me.
~Thank you.

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Dear Creature: Rough Stuff

February 18, 2018 by

Dear Creature,
I always wanted to know what I could take. A fist to the face, stomped, kicked, whipped, held under water… Up to the person doing the beating. Maybe breaking an arm or a leg. But definitely a few fingers. ~In Eyes

In Eyes,

It’s common to wonder how much your body can take, and to fantasize about what it might be like finding the limits of what you can endure. I don’t know exactly what question you’re asking, but since this is a sentiment that a lot of people think about, and I write about BDSM, I’ll address what I hear in your statement and what ideas it brings up for me in that vein. I hope my response helps give you language to articulate your desires and find the right people to share explorations with in a risk-aware and consensual fashion. I hope that my writing aids you in wading through your impulses to sort out what you’d like to learn more about vs. those things you might not be ready for or might not actually want to experience. Since I don’t know your history or experience with BDSM or anything about your physical/emotional/mental state, I’ll write as if you were relatively new to the world of kink and are questioning what’s possible.

The first idea I want to explore is the importance of knowing the difference between reality and fantasy when approaching a scene. The things we don’t know about firsthand are a playground for the imagination, and various ideas that play well in our heads (especially in an aroused state) are not always things we actually desire to seek out or experience when we’re sensually sober or not turned on. It can be difficult to know which ideas are good ones to seek out and which ones should be relegated to the world of fantasy. Once you’ve spent some time articulating your intrigues to yourself, some questions you might want to answer are:

  • Why do I want to scene in this manner, and what do I hope to accomplish by having an experience like this? Knowing the answer to these questions may help you narrow in on what you actually want rather than a general idea for play. For example: I imagine being whipped. I wonder what that would be like, and decide I want to try bottoming for a whip Top. If I look at my motives more closely I might decide I just want to feel a whip on my skin and see what it’s like on a pain scale, or see how much of a whipping I can take. In this case I would negotiate a whipping scene with a fair amount of warm-up and with someone willing to start off slowly and build, paying attention to my need for rests, etc. On the other hand, perhaps I have a particular roleplay in mind whenever I think about being whipped, and I realize that I don’t want my skin torn or to scar from my whipping scene, instead I want to be bossed around by a “mean Governess” and have her whip me lightly over my clothes in playful punishment, which then quickly becomes a toy for teasing me and wrapping me up in it, to then be tied and groped… As you can see these are two very different scenarios, yet they’re both “whipping scenes”. Not everyone will share an interest in both scenarios, and not everyone will have the skills to engage specifically in what you’re looking for either.
  • What do I think I can endure, and what are my limits in the scenario I am pursuing? Answering this question will help you inject a bit of grounded reality into your search. It will also help you negotiate responsibly once you find a partner willing to play. Depending on the day, your current emotions, physical state, etc., you may not always answer this question the same way, but answering it even once will give you an idea about what you’re really interested in vs. what you’re less excited about, or simply will not tolerate. This is an important question to think about, articulate as well as you’re able to, and negotiate clearly to be a responsible BDSM partner. BDSM is not about violating people’s actual boundaries — even if we want it to feel that way sometimes. It’s just as important for a Top or D-type to trust their bottom or s-type as it is the other way around. This means the bottom/s-type needs to realistically know their boundaries, be willing to communicate them prior to sceneing, and be willing to speak up within scene if something needs to be addressed.
  • What are the consequences for playing in the manner I desire, and am I as excited about the potential healing process as I am the scene itself? BDSM can take a toll on our bodies, especially rough body play, impact play, and the use of sharp objects, to mention a few. Consequences from scening can include bruising, broken bones, torn/pierced/cut flesh, bleeding internally or externally, throwing up, becoming ill, STI transmission, bloodborne pathogen transmission, UTIs, physical exhaustion, nerve damage, emotional triggers, mental instability… the list goes on. Some of these consequences are dealt with simply and quickly, some take months or years to repair, and some never heal, leave their mark permanently, or create complications. Not playing safely, ignorance of the potential dangers of various activities, not communicating clearly, and not realizing something was wrong until it was too late are all occasions which have led to the death of BDSM practitioners. That’s something to consider and not take lightly. It’s useful to think about potential consequences: if being punched could break a bone, ask yourself if you are willing to deal with being in pain for the duration of the healing process or any other problems which result from that injury. Ask yourself if you want to deal with hospital bills, medication, loss of work, a few months of pain, and potential complications from one afternoon of experimentation.

There are two phrases people throw around in the BDSM community concerning styles of play: SSC and RACK. SSC stands for “Safe, Sane, and Consensual play”. This means approaching play with a solid understanding of the skills needed to “safely” do what’s been negotiated, to play “sanely”, meaning with regard for consequence and a realistic negotiation of ethics, and “consensually” meaning all that happens in play has been negotiated beforehand and agreed to by all parties. RACK stands for “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”. Consent is still a prime objective, and “risk-aware” points to approaching play with as much knowledge as possible about what is inherently risky about the scene, including what skill level is needed in order to mitigate unintended damage, awareness of the emotional/mental/physical health of the participants, what supplies should be on hand if something goes wrong, etc.

Many of the older BDSM players I know prefer the term RACK, myself included. SSC sounds nice, yet seems to promote a more innocent understanding of how to enter into a scene. I would rather play armed with the idea that I am “aware of risks” and have planned to address them as much as I know how to, than go in thinking I am “playing safe” and so am not at risk for unintended consequences. Though the ideas are generally similar, “Risk Aware” seems a more honest concept to me, and reminds me not to assume I know everything. It speaks to the amount of preparation and ongoing thoughtfulness and awareness I should expect to engage in when I scene.

  • Am I willing to take responsibility for putting myself in a situation where I may be harmed, experience intense pain, or suffer for a longer period than I imagined I would as a result of engaging in this sort of activity? The more you know about what you do and do not want to experience, the easier it is to get on the same page and negotiate something which feels great to everyone involved. If you are not willing to take responsibility for your actions, your asks, or to negotiate clearly about your boundaries with a scene partner you are not ready to play. If you are not ready to share the responsibility when accidents happen you should not play with others. If you are unwilling to speak up to end a scene when you need to, you are putting something which is your responsibility to address on someone else’s shoulders. This is not a statement about taking responsibility for predatory behaviors which violate negotiated boundaries, assault, rape, manipulation, or misuse. Those things are separate from being in a consensual scene which goes south for some reason, has an honest accident occur, or realizing halfway into it that what you thought you would enjoy is not something you want to continue to explore. In those latter instances you must be prepared to share in the responsibility of ending the scene and working with your partner to take care of any consequences resulting.
  • Am I capable of stopping a scene once it has begun (red-ing or safe-wording out) if I feel overwhelmed or change my mind about what I want? Continuing from the last question, it is very important that you are able to stop a thing when it feels too much. It is the responsibility of the Top/D-type to check-in and ask if everything is going alright, however no one can be expected to read your mind. Without clearly articulating what you need during a scene you cannot expect someone else to “just know” that you’re not into it anymore. If you are unable or unwilling to say “safeword/red/stop/mercy/slow down” or signal a scene to end in some way, you’re not a safe play partner and shouldn’t enter into play with someone who hasn’t consented to play with a person unwilling or unable to do these things.

A basic difference between abuse and BDSM lies in the ideals of consent and negotiation, as well as in taking responsibility for one’s actions. These values lead responsible Tops, Dominants, switches, subs, and bottoms to do their research about how to give and receive stimulation as safely, knowledgeably, and as ethically as they are capable of. In the BDSM community you’ll find people who play at all levels of intensity, and who have a vast array of skills. Skills in one area do not equal skills in another, and someone who has been in the scene for a very long time may or may not have the specific skills you’re looking for. Even experienced players continue to learn new tricks, take classes to improve skills they already have, and expand their knowledge about what can be done and how to do those things more safely. Some kinky activities may seem very easy and mainstream and other types of popular play many people set as hard limits without a second thought. The world of BDSM is a creative one, an inquisitive and experimental one, and one which thrives off of knowledge, practice, and growth.

If you’re interested in engaging in a scene that could end up breaking a bone, I recommend you approach someone who is studied at and skilled in rough body play. It will probably take time to find a Top or Dominant who would be willing to go that far with you. Trust works from both sides of play. The person Topping a scene which could potentially break a bone must trust that the person who is bottoming is actually consenting to that degree of stimulation, that they can handle the healing process and all it entails, and that they clearly understand and consent to potential long term consequences and complications. You will probably play with someone a number of times before you build that type of trust between you — if you find someone emotionally, mentally, and physically up for breaking someone’s bone on purpose. It may just be easier to take up boxing or find a fight club in your area…

One last thought I have regarding your letter is about the concept of it being “up to the person doing the beating”. This sentiment gives me pause, as it seems to take the responsibility of what you’re asking for off of you and putting it onto another person. It’s important to remember that at the end of the day, you have control and responsibility for your actions and instigations. You have control to stop a scene. You have control to negotiate for what you do and do not want to happen to your body. The Top/D-type may “take that control away” when you are in scene, but you, ultimately, set the pace for the scene and decide when it will end through your actions and inactions. When people speak of “consensual non-consent” in BDSM they are referring to a type of play or a relationship structure where people have agreed to allow the D-type person to “do as they wish”, and the s-type person must “obey and endure it”. These are generally scenes or arrangements with an agreed upon end time, which incorporates check-ins, utilizes stellar communication between players, and there is a safe-word in place. The emphasis is usually on the D-type deciding what type of play will happen and the s-type going along with it as far as they’re able and actually consenting to, rather than engaging in a pre-negotiated scene agreed upon by both parties. As you can imagine relationships such as these do not evolve without play partners knowing one another very well, or without a clear understanding of limits, health factors, interests, and rules in place already. Relationships like these do not happen overnight, nor do they evolve without a lot of consideration. Con-noncon requires the D-type to take on a huge amount of responsibility, and for an s-type to be very committed to managing their discipline. Far more frequently it is a fantasy rather than a regular practice, or a short term scene negotiation rather than a lifestyle choice.

Welcome to the land of figuring out how to get to the places you’re curious to find! Expect to start out slowly and to build one experience upon another. Expect to meet a variety of interesting and imaginative people who may or may not be interested in the same things you are. Expect to talk a *lot* about sex and kink and limits and be willing to process emotions and judgments and even self-shame or surprising revelations along the way. Play with awareness and play safely, responsibly, consensually, courteously, and negotiate realistically. Do your research and practice new skills. You’ll go further that way.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

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