National Abortion Coming Out Day

I finally figured out what lipstick is for. Photo by Karin Webb

One of the things that contributes to healthy BDSM and Kink is the clear understanding that we own ourselves regardless of what is going on. This primary acknowledgement is what allows us to give control over to others and to take responsibility for our actions. We can consent to being used and to use, to find limits, experiment, and celebrate our flesh and our fantasies together. Without first owning ourselves, we can not give or take back freely and safely; we end up looking to another for permission or to know what is right. It is important and radical to know yourself, to own yourself, to fight for that one thing you were born with: your body. Today I write about a topic I feel deeply about:

HAPPY 44th ANNIVERSARY OF ROE V WADE!!!!! It has been 44 years since the half of the population who can get pregnant has had protected legal access to abortion and to the choice of how to govern their own bodies in the United States of America. Safe and accessible abortion is not, though, easy for much of our population to get to, afford, or feel safe accessing, and every day groups work to take this medical privilege away. In honor of choice and bodily autonomy being preserved, respected, and improved, I move to name today January 22: “National Abortion Coming Out Day”. The idea has been on my mind for a very long time, and I think this is the year that I can no longer put my thoughts off until tomorrow. Today is the day.

National Abortion Coming Out Day is about creating space for people who have had abortions, who have had partners who have had abortions, people who’ve supported someone getting an abortion, or who love and care for people who have had abortions to openly speak their truths. Open discourse about this topic has been suppressed and controlled through fear, violence, abuse, and an ensuing silent void. Take a moment and think about your history with abortion. How has it impacted your life? How has it impacted the lives of people you care for? How does the issue of abortion impact the lives of people less privileged than yourself? What questions do you have about abortion?

Share something about what you find with your community. Be willing and open to have conversations about what it means to own your body and your life. If you want to connect to a community with resources and support, check out the 3 in 1 Campaign, they’re great!

People have been having abortions, inducing miscarriages, and controlling their fertility since the beginning of knowing how to do it. You are not alone or unloved for choosing what to do with your body or your life. If you choose to carry a pregnancy to term, good for you! If you choose to terminate your pregnancy for any reason, congratulations on taking care of yourself, and good for you too! Our options stand on the shoulders of the fertile people and those helping them who have come before us, for thousands of years in study, wisdom, and developing practice. Medical people, Midwives, Doulas, Shamans, Witches, Doctors, Nurses, Veterinarians, Herbalists, Massage Therapists, Acupuncturists, even neighbors, lay people, and activists have had a hand in making abortion accessible and safe.

I had an abortion when I was 17, and I’m really glad I had access to it. I was supported emotionally, materially, familially; and I had the help of a partner with a car, and time to schedule it and heal before getting back to my high school classes. My life would be very different if I had a 21 year old right now, and that’s not the life I chose for myself. I don’t regret having that abortion one tiny little bit, I am grateful for it. It was safely performed in a hospital in Bangor, ME, and I was lucky that there were no complications. Since that time I’ve taken Plan B a couple times when condoms broke and the timing was bad, and I educate myself about aborcienifant herbs, tinctures, my fertility cycle, and natural methods of inducing miscarriage or starting a sluggish menstrual flow. There have been times I’ve taken herbs to jumpstart a late period when I was worried pregnancy was a possibility. I don’t have sex with people who are anti-abortion and anti-bodily-sovereignty. I have a right to my body and my bodily functions. So do we all.

Handsome devil with a uterus at your service… Photo by Karin Webb

So why are you sporting a mustache and binding in the photographs?

  • Shapeshifting to understand myself more deeply is a part of who I am as an individual and as an artist. I perform drag (across many gender constructs); I have since I wrote my first monologue at age 11. I enjoy binding in my daily life and wearing facial hair sometimes. Those are two ways I express myself.
  • I am gender fluid identified and use a few gender labels to explain my identity.
  • I think assumptions about gender in conversations about healthcare further alienate and put in danger people who aren’t men or women. Transmen, Intersex individuals, and people who don’t identify as women get to make choices about their fertility too.
  • I can’t post a photo of my breasts on most social media sites, so binding fits — there are only so many times you can grab yourself on camera to avoid areola exposure and not get bored with the results. It’s also an opportune moment to point out sex-based discrimination.
  • Culturally when we think of “ownership”, we most often associate the concept with masculinity. How has that affected the historical and present conversations about bodily autonomy when we consider fertility and offspring?
  • I think this photo says something about the entire concept of owning one’s body in our society. I had to break a lot of rules to even conceive of it.

Who gets to own bodies? Historically? Religiously? In relationships? In families? In hospitals? In bed? Over time? In prison? In poverty? Out dancing? In different cultures? In resistance? In public? In art? At school? In dangerous situations? At any moment someone else feels uncomfortable? Under the influence of various substances? At work? Within the constructs of privilege? …

Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Kink Dreams Are Made of These: Truth or Dare

Come out, come out wherever you are! Check out my Truth or Dare blog and fill out your own game card. I love reading people’s entries…

TRUTH: What is the kinkiest fantasy you haven’t fulfilled yet? This was the first Truth or Dare game card I received from a reader, and there’s something so beautifully ice breaking about it, so here goes… Thank you Playful Reader!

Photo by Jonathan Beckley

First off I am horrible at designating “est”s… I tend to be pretty in-the-moment about stuff, and what I desire one minute may be far from my interests the next. Fickle? Yes I am, absolutely. I am also present and connecting to what is happening right here right now as deeply as I can manage most of the time, so it pays off in the long run… Upon considering my answer, I stumble on the questions: “what is super kinky?” and “what is kinky at all?”… There are a lot of different directions I could go with in my answer, so I’m going to start out with an exploration of these ideas, and narrow in as we go.

I’ll start here: the things I haven’t done are the kinkiest things. Once an activity has been experienced, I have a relationship with it and it becomes a pet of mine; something I know about. It ceases to be as kinky and starts to be an activity I enjoy, or not. Yet another way to look at this pandora-like box we’re opening is: what is “not kinky”? I remember when I was in high school and my partner wanted to tie my hands up with silk scarves during sex. I didn’t understand why. I didn’t know it was a thing yet, and I was willing to try — sure, why not? But the idea didn’t turn me on. I didn’t know what it was for, and it didn’t end up doing anything for me. I simply couldn’t use my hands during sex, and I really like using my hands, so it felt like more of a weird hindrance than a sexy new challenge to get my juices flowing. It was a fun idea nevertheless, and I like trying new things, so we did it a couple times; it just didn’t really ever develop into a thing between us… Skip to years later, and I had a partner with whom I enjoyed a lot of kinky fun with; the idea of being tied up and fucked or having clothespins put on me, or any number of other creative games was super hot to me at that point… So something got processed for me between these two moments in time. I had been introduced to an idea as a naive person; in the time since then I had the experience of being employed in a sex store and gained lots of creative knowledge about what sex could look like; and in time my brain figured out what to do with the idea of being tied up — I found lots of ways to make the experience both desired and pleasurable.

I’ve said a couple different things here: in my first experience, being tied up wasn’t sexy or kinky, it was a sensual experiment that no one really got off on (to my knowledge or memory); in the second instance being tied up was definitely kinky and fun and something I got worked up about — something so hot it became a sex act in and of itself. Add that dichotomy to my first premise that, “the things I haven’t done are the kinkiest things”, and we have data that looks pretty contradictory… So what’s happening here?

  1. When I’ve experienced something it gets less kinky to a certain degree and becomes a normalized activity.
  2. If I don’t already know about something or desire it myself, trying something new doesn’t necessarily feel kinky to me, it might feel boring or oppressive instead of fun.
  3. After I’ve processed an idea, and know enough about it to be curious, it can become kinky to me, desired, and therefore more pleasurable to try out… and we cycle back to #1…

I’m going to give power here to the idea that “knowing” is an important aspect of feeling turned on. At least for me it is. I’ll add in there “chemistry” is too. I get turned on by different people in different ways, and what might feel like the best scene/activity ever with person A, might be a completely boring or strong rejection material for playing with person B. Very few people do I get genital-sex desirous of or curious about. I am more kink-slutty with people in general. Sometimes I can do both of those things (“sex” and “kink”) with the same person; sometimes I can only do one or the other; sometimes what I want to do with someone develops after a long period of time; sometimes things are hot and heavy and really open at first, and then cool off after a few experiences…

Why is it important to look at all that? Well, because when I tell you some of the ideas that turn me on — the ones that I would consider the kinkiest fantasies I haven’t fulfilled yet — there’s a truth in there about the fact that some (maybe all) of those things feel kinky and sexy to me specifically because they are fantasies. These things would not be kinky or sexy in reality if they were being done with the wrong people, and some of these things might fail to be sexy or kinky if done with the right people if they’re done in a way that doesn’t feel safe to me. What I like about my fantasies is that I can use them to get off. Period. I don’t really “need” more. My psychology during fantasy time is processing edges and emotions in a way that is technically safe (’cause it’s all in my head) yet at the same time still unsafe feeling to talk about or acknowledge out loud with partners (or people in general) because I fear judgement or rejection or any other number of things I worry about on the daily. That very juxtaposition is what makes the fantasies feel kinky. Which means, in part, that the very kinkiness of them is attached to the “in my head-ness” of them.

I feel as though many people would say rape fantasies are the kinkiest or scariest or least healthy kinks to explore. I disagree with this, as I think exploring our boundaries, fears, traumas, etc. can be potentially healing and strengthening (done in the right ways at the right times). I definitely have rape fantasy scenarios in my bag of mental tricks. Maybe someday I’ll meet the right people and I’ll have some scenario enacted that will move that fantasy into a kink exploration… oh no, wait… I have actually. At kink camp I participated in an organized forced sex/physical abuse kinky gang bang as a bottom, and now that I’m thinking of it I’ve also enacted fantasy scenes that were con/non-con (consensual non-consent), and I’ve explored aspects of being forced to do something within partnerships and found it pleasurable (and not) on varying levels… Ok, scrap that one (if you want more in depth stories, make a game card of your own!). I think I jumped to that one because I don’t feel like  I’ve explored it fully or in specific ways yet.

So, I think I’ll have to go with kidnapping. There are a couple groups of people I would love to be kidnapped by… Oh, wait! I have been kidnapped before too, but it was before I ever thought about the idea as a kink — it was a really lovely and surprising gift from a group of amazing people I worked with on my last day of work — in the days before I was out to myself as kinky. Again though, I think because I wasn’t thrown in the back of a trunk, maybe I feel like it didn’t count? Hmmm…

Perhaps surprisingly to many, I’ll have to go with an AMAB/AMAB/Me threesome (or moresome) including double penetration and being used. That is something I fantasize about and have never done, and I’m rating the est part of kinkiest by how challenging the fantasy feels to me emotionally when I think of it. Other fantasies/curiosities I haven’t explored yet I have more warm-fuzzies about, but this scenario for me is interesting and scary, and that is an emotional mix (within the confines of my brain) I really get off on. If the group could be as Tom of Finland about it as possible, that would really do it for me. I fantasize about being some Master’s boy, used to serve their whim at their discretion, with their friends, to be fucked/beat/whatever as they see fit… So there you go.

Funny, but I think this scenario may be way less kinky to a lot of people, than a lot of activities I actually regularly enjoy on a successful Saturday night. However, genital sex is a boundary of mine that I have a ton of controls around. It is something I feel really unsafe about with most people, even though as a sexual animal I desire it regularly. So for me, breaking out of that controlled mentality and playing with those boundaries feels really kinky. Maybe someday I’ll meet the right group of people to unlock that one with…

Thanks for asking, who’s up next?!

Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

W is for Whip

If you’re in the mood for playing a game, please fill out a card for my Truth or Dare blog…

By Edward Lund from Atlanta, in Edgewood, 30307, United States ([1]) [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Does the sound of a whipcrack terrify you? In a good way? Please do read on… I have had a number of run-ins with the singletail whip, dragontail whip, and snake whip over the years; the most recent being about a month or two ago. So far my experiences with whips and their wielders have been absolutely fabulous ones, and they have left me wanting more. There are, as you can imagine, important things to think about and negotiate as a whip bottom. Whip play is an advanced activity which can leave permanent damage. Be smart, know what you’re getting into, and know what you want out of a scene. Here are some tips for playing with whips…

Negotiations: The first thing I want to know as a whip bottom is how much experience my Top has, however when I’m negotiating a scene with whips I’ll ask my partner a bunch of other things too, like these questions:

  • Have they ever scened with a whip before, and specifically with the whip they intend on using with me?

Not all whips are the same length, have the same rigidness or balance, are made from the same materials, or have the same handle style and weight. These factors and others can determine whether someone who swings a whip will do so confidently, accurately, and with an amount of force that’s appropriate.

  • Who taught them their whip skills (local groups or convention classes, specific teachers, online tutorials, other means of learning) and are they practiced at it?

I like to know my Tops are educated and have taken the time to cultivate a skill before letting them hit me with an object that can tear through my flesh and scar me forever. Notes for whip Tops too: If you don’t know where to get good instruction, I absolutely LOVE Kink Academy as a learning site. They have scads of great instructors sharing their knowledge and techniques through essays and videos ready for you whenever you want them. The membership doesn’t cost too much, and I think it is completely worth it. There may also be local groups who do whip practices or “munch” about it, so I enjoy using Fetlife as a way to find potential local help anywhere I go.

  • How do they deal with mistakes?

Playing with whips requires skill. Everyone makes mistakes. Having an idea about how your Top will react if a mistake is made is important. You should have an idea about how you’d like to be treated if you’re harmed during play, and make sure you don’t play with people who can’t or won’t care for you in those ways.

  • Does anyone have any blood-borne diseases or complications?

Ask. Find out the answers. Make informed choices about who you’re playing with and what precautions should be in place. When there’s a whip in play blood making an appearance is a possible (even probable) outcome. Have a plan about how blood and bodily fluids get dealt with, cleaned up, attended to, and how surfaces post-play get responsibly disinfected. If you are playing with someone who has hemophilia you need to think about breaking skin (even just a little) very differently than you do with people whose blood naturally clots.

  • Do you consent to being marked?

This one is really important to answer. If you do not consent to being marked do not get hit with a whip! It’s that simple, really. There are still a bunch of ways whips can make it into your scene, which I’ll mention a little later.

Checking in during a scene: Yes, it’s pretty straightforward, but important to remember nonetheless. Know your communication agreements with your top! Make sure you have clear signals. If you’re using safewords be clear on what they are and that they can be heard — your Top in this scenario will be a few feet behind you after all, not petting your back and staring lovingly into your eyes. Depending on where you’re playing you may or may not be able to hear one another over music or room sounds. The last time I played with whips I was at a party with loud music, and I was bracing myself on a kneeling bench. When my top asked me to react more loudly so they could gauge my reactions better over the music, rather than feel as though I had to “act out” all of my reactions during the scene, I asked to move the bench in front of a big mirror so we could see one another better. It was fantastic! I could surrender fully to each heavenly moment of pain processing masochistic zen, and my partner could see every inch of smile plastered on my face. They could see when I needed a second longer, and they could really enjoy the moments of terrified glee flit across my kisser as they threatened and challenged my limits with words and whip cracks… It made communication between us simple and clear, and in an hour+ long whip scene, that’s a pacing blessing! If you don’t have (or don’t want to use) a mirror, making sure you are using your safeword is important, as is checking in with the bottom regularly and reading body language. I enjoy using the “red, yellow, or green?” inquiry system every now and then during a scene, which can help pacing in a scene, as well as the scene’s intensity grow and cooldown smoothly.

My very happy butt after an hour of being hit with whips of many makes…

Marks and First Aid: Whips can bruise, whips can break skin, whips can make you bleed, whips can leave marks, scars, keloids, and long term discoloration. I am a performance artist. Therefore when I am counting back how many days I have to heal before my next audience reveal, I count in weeks (sometimes months) rather than days for whip play. Whips often leave textured marks which take much longer than straight up bruising to heal, and they often stay discolored for a very long time before fully (if ever) fading. As with everything blood play: BE PREPARED! Have rubbing alcohol in a spray bottle nearby to clean anything that gets blood on it. Have adhesive bandages, gloves, and antiseptic ointment at the ready. You may also want to have water, juice, and a snack around, as the bottom may need to pep up from lowered blood-sugar, or a shaky overdose of adrenaline. Have a working phone available to call for help if something goes terribly wrong, or to call a cab if the bottom thought they’d be ready to operate heavy machinery and their post-scene blood-buzzing subspace-drunkenness won’t let up… Know how to clean and dress a wound. Know how to disinfect the whip and playspace after.

The Whip Itself: Whips can break skin and make you bleed. Whips also often smell like leather, which if you’re anything like me can cause you to rub up against them like a cat in heat… Therefore many people owning lovely, expensive, and hard to clean whips will only use them on people they are familiar with and care to clean up after. Whips are often made of leather — not a material you can just throw in the dishwasher — in fact, a material which requires specific and sometimes many-stepped maintenance. It is important to keep one’s whip’s clean, disease-free, and uncontaminated with skin irritants. It is just as important to make sure the whip used is in good repair — no braiding tears or other issues which could cause a mistake to happen during play. Ask your Top how they care for their whips and clean them, and whether blood or come ever come in contact with the parts you’ll be touching or touched with. Someone who knows how to care for their tools may not know equally well how to care for you, but at least they have proven they are inclined toward learning.

Other ways of using a whip: Not all whip play is about getting stripes laid down. Before I ever had the pleasure of having a whip crack like a white lightening bolt of pain across my skin, I was introduced to the use of one as a psychological torture device. During a Fetish Fair class about various types of bondage, just the sound of a whipcrack nearby was all one sub needed to: “not move until I say so”… The handle can be used for impact too or for prodding sensitive bits. The smell of leather is a wonderful part of leather toys, as is the feeling of one draped over your back and shoulders and snaked all over your body. If you enjoy some Catwoman, Zorro, or Indiana Jones fantasy play, a whip might be in your costume closet, and that’s not even touching the level of gear fetishization which can come from being into pet play as a human horse handler!

Your own intuition and voice: Your body is an amazing thing which will heal from all sorts of roughhousing and abuse, especially with a good warm-up… This doesn’t mean you should let anyone use your body for whatever they like (even within the bounds of your requests) based solely on a promise to respect you. People have different ideas about what things mean and miscommunication rules our lives here on Earth. So use your sense when you negotiate. Pay attention to how someone makes you feel: does negotiation feel safe with this person; are they saying all the right things but you feel strange about something; are they listening or only talking about what they want out of the scene; do you get the sense your safety is being taken seriously; does this person come off angry or resentful or potentially abusive or in other ways unsafe? There are a million things we ask when we’re negotiating — particularly with someone new — and I find there are a million other things I realize I forgot to ask in the moments between the negotiation ending and a scene beginning. For Tops and bottoms both: use your gut! Use your voice. If you have to stop or pause a scene to ask a question or clear up what you think might be a misunderstanding, do it. Much better to ruin the moment than ruin a play partner, a relationship, or your reputation. Also there’s no shame in starting off small, if you are a little unsure about how someone plays, consider leaving the whips for session 2 or 3 or 10, when you have a clearer idea about how flow and communication works between you and what your partner’s style and abilities are like. First get hit with something that probably won’t leave you with a big burly scar, to see if you like the way a new Top pays attention to your pain threshold and physical well being. While trust is an important component to successful kinky play, do not trust blindly — no one can take care of you as well as you can.

Whips are a practically universal symbol of the “Dominatrix look”, and are a fitting one too, as the proper use of a whip requires time, thought, energy, skill, practice, and consideration. As exciting as it may be to have a new experience, remember that not all toys will do the same types of harm, negotiate wisely, and play with mates who will treat you — in pain, in pleasure, in perfect scene, or in a moment of mistake — well.

Play On My Friends,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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