An example of frustration and fear, judgement, and ongoing abuse. [Karin Webb as “The Butler/Hamlet” and Mary Widow as “Ophelia”. Photo by Sarah Patterson]

We’re always capable of working things out and moving on from where we’re at. It requires the art of listening, introspection, responsibility taking, and trying new methods of communication amidst familiar seeming data we’ve (historically) interpreted in one way rather than another or another. Evolution requires that we examine our stories from the past and question whatever meaning we’re making in the present moment, acknowledging that this, right now, is a new moment with a different combination of factors in play. How do we re-interpret what’s going on around us, reframe how we look at the particularities of this moment, and come to new, more effective articulations of behavior?

I think of that quote, often attributed to Einstein:

Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Again and Expecting Different Results

This sentiment can absolutely be applied to our behaviors and coping mechanisms, as well as to our reactions and choreographies. To reframe the quote, I offer, “If one would like a sane result, one must do things differently.” Too often we humans get stuck in internalized stories about our lives and those around us, and do not change our behaviors when we feel friction. This can lead to depression, malaise, destroyed friendships, and deteriorating communal ties. We all struggle with these things. We get older, times change, relationships change, we change, new methods of connecting with one another reign… Over and over again we learn to adapt or we become stuck.

I’ll use myself as an example. From a lifetime of observing my thoughts and feelings, I admit I frequently experience the feeling of being left out or flare-ups of the paranoia that no one likes me. I have described myself as a Vampire in the past, in that I need to be directly invited to participate in many events and activities to feel welcome or to muster the courage to attend. I could attach any number of actual stories from my past to support these fear-driven feelings, giving me a solid reason for feeling the way I feel and maintaining the fears and the blocks I have. I could refuse to show up for any activity where a person doesn’t directly ask me to participate. If I did that I wouldn’t show up at many events. The effect of this would be counter productive though. By not showing up at events I would receive fewer future invitations, as I’d have less opportunities to be asked out and I’d be remembered by fewer people in the public arena. The fewer events I participated in, leading to dwindling amounts of invitations, would lead to a flare-up of my isolation paranoia, which would cause me to go out even less… a self-sustaining cycle of merde, which does nothing to feed my need for socialization nor my desire to feel welcome and loved by my peers.

By holding onto the story of, “People will always ask me to be in a place if they desire my proximity”, I’m holding onto an idea which releases me from responsibility for the feelings I experience when I fear I’m being left out. Doubling down on this story as my solution to feeling isolated and unloved puts all responsibility squarely on other people to solve my emotional problems through their actions. This story gives me no voice, no power in solving my own problems, it requires no exploration of my feelings (because it’s always someone else’s fault), and therefore no responsibility is taken for the feelings I am experiencing. With this story I define myself squarely as a victim of other people’s actions and inactions. I define other people’s desires based on very particular actions and inactions thereby defining other people’s lives, actions, thoughts, and expressions as “all about me”, my fears and stories. I don’t have to do the work of acknowledging that other people are experiencing their own lives, and there’s an array of reasons for various actions and inactions (such as: they probably aren’t thinking specifically of me when they’re creating an invitation, or they forgot, or it’s a general invitation that I don’t need to be named to be welcome at, or they didn’t know it was an event I’d enjoy attending…). Instead of considering the vast array of options possible or simply asking “why”, I’ve constructed a universe where unless someone else takes the time to specifically approach me or makes an effort to gesture to me as an individual on my internalized terms, they are painted as someone who is actively devaluing me. This gives me incentive to act as badly as I feel, as if my feelings are the only truth. I have created a psychology where the world owe’s me, and I owe others nothing.

This is very unhealthy. A self-fulfilling prophesy. Narcissistic. Co-dependent. Depressing… and all too common.

When I experience this type of depression/paranoia or unhealthy shit-upon-thyself-ness I try to remember to examine myself for a minute and figure out what part of what’s happening is actually about me and which parts are actually question marks. This requires me to look into my feelings and sort them out. In the midst of my depression and fears, I must dare to ask myself, “How am I feeling right now, and what do I need?” The answer is usually to the toon of, “I’m feeling paranoid that my friends don’t value me, and afraid that they don’t actually like me or want me to be around. I would like to be invited out more often. I want to feel desired, loved, and a part of things”.

What a different conversation arises from these examinations! All of a sudden I have stated wants and goals I can work towards, and a series of questions I can ask others — should I feel so bold as to change my current experience. If there’s an event I’m afraid I wasn’t invited to on purpose, I can empower myself to approach the host and have a conversation about why. I can ask if I am indeed welcome, and I can ask if there was a reason I wasn’t invited — maybe it was an oversight, or there’s someone else going who they thought might have an awkward thing with me, or they weren’t done sending out invites yet, or they didn’t think I’d be interested, or they knew someone else would tell me about it so didn’t feel the need to extend a personal invite, or I was invited but the message apparently got lost… There are any number of realities (including the person actually not liking me and not wanting me to be at their event) which I’m able to ask about and decide how to address. At least if they tell me I’m not invited, I can work towards accepting that reality, or try to mend our relationship rather than powerlessly worrying that it might be true and do nothing but feel badly. I can acknowledge my feeling is due to a specific issue and stop feeding into a general story about all of my friends disliking me. I am empowered to break the cycle.

As a general rule, when I’ve examined what I’m needing or wanting from others, I try to turn it around and action toward fulfilling my own needs. This gets what I want out there in motion. It creates opportunities for others to rise to the occasion of helping me get what I need. In a situation like the one I’ve been writing about, instead of expecting others to invite me out, I begin to reach out to people I’d like to see and invite them out. This sets a new ball in motion and strengthens my practice of advocating for myself.

Of course there are situations I feel the need to address specifically. In these cases I’ll approach the person I feel snubbed by and ask if there’s anything unsaid between us, confessing that I am feeling excluded by them, and seeing if there’s a reason or something underlying I can address with them. It’s humbling to do this work, but it gives great insight into others, into myself, and more often than not it helps repair or even better a relationship that might be beginning to fray. It’s a good exercise in empathy too. As my process begins with me looking into myself and empathizing with my own struggling needs, I learn to create more space for others’ reasoning and to open myself up to empathizing with someone else’s struggles should they become apparent in the process.

These examinations give me autonomy. I practice being actively responsible for caring for myself and my relations. I learn to pause and process my feelings, and to move on from my fears armed with new information and potential actions. I gain control over my narrative and can choose to respectfully go after what I want, rather than waiting in the wings for everyone else to feed perfectly into my ego, read my mind, or catering to my invisible will and judgemental interpretations of their actions or lives. I practice letting go of judgement. I’d say that letting go of judgement is one of the most powerful parts of beginning this work in the first place.

I much prefer feeling my feelings (whatever they may be) and moving through them, than being stuck fearing the answer to a question I’m too chicken to ask, and thereby letting my fear be the only answer I believe and entertain. There have been times when I’ve asked questions and gotten aggression or a refusal to engage with me back. That’s good information too, that’s where I’ve learned to give others space and not take their behavior personally, time to let it go and move on to spaces I feel less strife within. It’s not important that everybody likes me, or that I get to explain myself to every person who knows me, or that everyone even has to care about seeing me clearly on my own terms. The reality is that everyone will not. Other people are locked into their own stories and are living their own lives and I cannot read minds. I’m not ethically or behaviorally even interested in being compatible with all other human beings and the ways in which they act.

Letting go of judgement can also mean just letting go.

Proper asking. I’ll bet this approach leads to better conversations most of the time…

We may have unlimited resources for love and compassion in our hearts, however we also have limited amounts of time and energy in our lives. Decisions must be made. I advocate for the things I need for myself, and that includes behaving in ways which allow others to maintain interest in me (most of the time). That means learning to approach people I value in different ways over time, learning new behaviors and cultivating better coping techniques as we each grow and change. This is growing up. This is evolution. This is advocating for life, relationships, love, friendship, playtime, and all the connection we want to find under the Sun. I am responsible for my own evolution, and by evolving I have the opportunity to become a more happy version of myself.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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