It takes more than getting out the ropes and my vibrator to get me here. Foreplay often begins by being in the moment and not assuming we’ll get here at all.

Building lust, building desire, building an energetic fire is important. Why? Because not everyone has access to being turned on whenever the people they care for are. Because being filled with lust is its own particular type of delicious torture. Because feeling lustful energy thrive is where a lot of the fun begins…

Being in the BDSM community is liberating and it can also feel like a lot to navigate. People get all sorts of things out of sceneing, and sexual pleasure is often one of them. This is not true for everybody though. Kink is not synonymous with sexual gratification, and not everyone wants sex mixed in with their kink. I, for one, enjoy a wide variety of kinks, and respond happily to various forms of pain play. I love to Dominate, it turns me on to see reactions from the person I’ve been entrusted to touch and handle. I love to seduce, and I feel quite powerful in that position. Whether I get my partners off sexually or non-sexually, I find I’ll often get myself off energetically through the experience. As a sub, taking pain and turning it into energy which keeps my Top/Dom high and working on me is thrilling. I’ve enjoyed kink scenes five hours long with no “sex” involved and felt higher and more turned on and more intimately connected to my partner than any sexual intercourse I’ve ever had. There’s great value in a wide array of connections and experiences beyond what society considers “the norm”.

When I negotiate BDSM with someone I almost always negotiate scenes that are non-sexual. To me this basically means “don’t touch my junk in a sexual way, and don’t expect me to touch yours”. I usually just plain don’t want my kink mixed up with sexual expectation. Except sometimes. That sometimes is something that evolves over time with a very tiny portion of my play partners. Why is that so? I don’t know, really. I do have a lot of sex-specific baggage, and while I can feel safe with the right person beating me, needling me, or any other number of nasty and perverse things, the moment someone expects sex from me I frequently shut down. My body warms up to sexual feelings extremely slowly — over years of consideration and intrigue sometimes — if at all with most people. Chemistry matters too, and I find I just don’t feel sexual around a lot of people that I do feel extremely sensual or even turned on around. These days I don’t feel the need to change this. I spent years thinking I was broken, and it destroyed my sexual impulses more and more deeply to feel so “wrong” about the way I’m wired. Thankfully I’ve learned to feel intense and even orgasmic pleasure in non-sexual ways with people who respect my boundaries and enjoy turning me on and playing with me. I don’t think my reality is that strange or rare. Even though culturally we’re taught to “want sex” (meaning intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, and other genital-centric stimulation), people experience pleasure in very different ways. If pleasure is something you value, it’s only fair to learn how to find it for yourself, and to respect how your partners get theirs (similarly and differently) too.

So how do we start? Everyone is different, and what works for some people will be the opposite of what works for others. Talking about your preferences when negotiating matters. This means you need to know something about what turns you on and what cools you off and you must be willing to say it to the people you want to play with. Everyone assumes to some extent that our experiences and the way we function is how others operate. Challenge these assumptions in yourself and ask your partners questions instead. Some of the suggestions below will sound great to you, some maybe not so much. That’s great information to start thinking about. Communicating about why you do or don’t like a certain approach will help your partners understand your sensuality and sexuality more usefully. Take it slowly with new partners, especially if you’re having a hard time reading what they want. There’s probably a reason (psychological, emotional, physical, chemical, etc.) that you have to do some work to get that fire going. If I’ve learned anything about sex and BDSM, it’s that it’s worth taking your time to get a proper fire roaring before going for the gold.

One way to get people into a playful mood at the same time you are is by agreeing to beforehand. Schedule a specific time and space to scene together. Looking forward to your date is a form of foreplay and helps people prepare to be sexually or sensually open when the time comes. This could make it easier for someone who has a hard time giving into their feelings, to look forward to doing just that. “Wanting to” is a first step on our journey to pleasure. Anticipation can build desire: wondering what you’re in for, preparing yourself thoughtfully in the way that you dress or plan a date, making choices which make you feel special or that send energy into the person you’re meeting. Building desire might also help you break the ice when you finally come together to play.

Knowing someone’s sexual and sensual triggers (if they have them and you have permission to engage them), can be a wonderful starting point for play too. Maybe every time someone hums in your ear, bites your neck, grabs the base of your hairline, tickles your sides, runs their finger down your spine, pinches or scratches your skin… you get turned on? Maybe you have triggers that immediately turn you off too, or certain activities you can tolerate but they kinda cool you down, or maybe you absolutely love a certain activity but only when you’re already super turned on and if it’s initiated prior to being in that headspace it’ll send the whole scene crashing down. We learn these things little by little about one another, and it’s important to be able to talk about them. For better and for worse the triggers of another human being are theirs. Try not to take feedback about someone else’s body personally. They’re telling you what works and what doesn’t work, and even if it worked in the past, it might not today. Celebrate how you can connect, and respect the ways you cannot. Pressing someone to accept something they don’t enjoy can be harmful. Also remember that people make mistakes. People don’t always understand the unfavorable reaction another person has to something they themselves enjoy. It’s important to educate one another about our feelings and not assume someone intends harm when something we don’t enjoy happens. It’s important to hear people when they express displeasure (or ecstasy) and learn.

Grounding myself and slowing down is my favorite way to enter into sensual and sexual play. Clearing my head, and breathing for a minute before I touch someone and touching slowly and curiously usually helps me find an ember to ignite. It may feel strange not to expect anything outside of the moment you are in, yet is one of the things that works for me as both giver and receiver of physical attention. The moment something is assumed, I find our symbiotic footing is often lost.

Clearly saying what you want and expect can be really helpful. Sometimes people have anxiety about not knowing where things are headed or what they’re supposed to do to please their partner. A way to alleviate that tension is to be clear. For instance, I find it’s easier to relax at the gynecologist’s office when my doctor tells me what to expect while it’s happening. Being told, “I’m going to touch your thigh now. The lube is a little cold, and I’m inserting my fingers now. You’ll feel some pressure as I feel around for a moment. Tell me if anything hurts.” (medical play anyone?), helps me accept what’s happening to my body in a way I might not otherwise. You can build an entire scene this way with a person who relaxes around knowing what to expect, if you are willing to talk about your intent as it unfolds. Also, asking for feedback can be really hot, as can guiding and teaching someone what works for you when you’re both prepared to give and take, speak and listen, ask questions and offer feedback.

These are just a few ways to reach out and connect. At the base of my desire and my lustful feelings is a need for energetic connection. Energy is important. I can get off thinking about certain people without touching myself or even being touched. Sexual and sensual energy belongs to our bodies, and it is an art to share it pleasurably with others.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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