Normal

Male. Female. Born. Body. Sex. Biological…

Many people don’t understand the limited meaning of phenotype vs. the complex reality of genotype when invoking the “biological argument” concerning sex and gender. You know, that argument which mistakenly believes it’s trumped a whole discussion thread about who’s allowed to identify how by blurting out, “there’s two sexes, male and female, you can’t argue against biology!”. When one actually looks at the science which is biology though, the biology argument is quite clearly in favor of behavioral diversity and a spectrum of identities. In short: don’t judge a book by the cover a doctor drew of a newborn baby’s genitalia, because there is much much more to a child’s genetic story…

Instead of “Male. Female. Born. Body. Sex. Biological.” Let’s go with:

Phenotype. Genotype. Chromosomes. Gonad development. Hormones. Brain development. Behavior.

Based on biology we should respect each individual’s identity, which can be defined and redefined over the course of a lifetime by the person who owns the body in question. The number of times a day I introduce myself with inaccurate shorthanded terminology is exhausting, but it’s the only way to get a conversation started with most people:

Bisexual

Male/Female/Trans/FTM

Born/Body/Sex

I do not, these days, use the shorthand “Biological Female” or “Biological Male”. It would be inappropriate for a number of reasons even in reference to myself, and it serves as a form of erasure for intersex individuals when everything is argued based on that false dichotomy of terminology. Here are some reasons I don’t even know if I am “biologically female”:

I don’t know what my chromosomes actually are, I’ve never had them tested. It’s entirely possible my chromosomal arrangement is not 46xx.
I do not know for sure what the state of my gonad development was, I’ve never had them looked at in depth — though I was pregnant for a few weeks at the age of 17, so I can assume my gonads developed in a typically female fashion.
I do not know what my hormone levels were prior to taking Testosterone for HTR (hormone replacement therapy). Now that my hormone levels are more in line with a typical male’s levels, and I am am physically attaining secondary male physical characteristics, I think we can safely say I am not currently 100% “biologically female”, even if I was prior to HRT.
I have never had my brain scanned (excellent and very recent article, btw). Over the years there’s been mounting evidence that there are differences in cis male, cis female, and transgender brains — even prior to any HRT regimen. These differences indicate that brain sex develops separately from gonadal sex, and there are measurable reasons why some people with passing female or male external genitalia feel, think, and experience dissonance with that sex categorization.

If something can be masculinized or feminized, like the gonads are and the brain is in fetal development, doesn’t it stand that “masculine” and “feminine” are by default on a spectrum which everyone, regardless of sex, has access to and may fall developmentally within grey areas of? There is much more to our genetic realities than phenotypic categorization, which is useful only as a generalization, and in that generalized state does much harm to certain individuals.

He said “You’re attractive as a female”. I know he didn’t mean it that way. By “that way” I mean I don’t think he was dismissing my stated genderfluid identity on purpose. I think this specific man is older and doesn’t have the language practice to say something more refined, or interesting and affirmative such as, “you’re attractive” or “regardless of your sex/gender/identity I find you stunning and want to spend time with you.”

I don’t want to be attractive “as a female”, just like Clair Huxtable didn’t want to “still look good” on her 46th birthday. I want to be attractive explicitly “as me”. Why is there a need for modifiers, which only serve to trip people up? The concept that attraction is gendered rather than an individualized appreciation is ludacris.

I identify as: woman, boy, imp, and creature. Not girl. Not man. My phenotypical femaleness is an annoying base description which persists from the mouths of those people who refuse to or fail to acknowledge the transness of my whole identity. Over and over again, the shorthand persists, even though it is hurtful and incorrect for all of the reasons I’ve stated above. Repeated emphasis from bullying mouths wears one down. I don’t like being exhausted by persistently advocating for who I am because of the way people want to (read: feel comfortable) typify me — a thing they have been taught to do by a limited language full of misnomers fed by schoolyard repetitions. It’s disheartening.

I love my body. My body is the body of a genderfluid person, not the body of a biological female. That is what is normal for me.

Normal is how I feel on Testosterone. Before which I experienced a lot of anxiety and depression, and didn’t like myself as much.

Normal is people seeing me as trans, fluid, and nonbinary (not man or woman) and celebrating all of who I am instead of asking me to pick a side for their comfort.

Normal is the expression of my whole self, as I’m feeling it in the moment, visibly communicated and understood by the world around me.

Normal is my natural body, hair unshaved… (record scratches to a halt).

Here’s something interesting and newly observed by me:

My entire life I have felt uncomfortable when I’ve shaved my armpits. Fascinatingly enough, I shaved them a week ago, which is the first time I’ve shaved my body hair since starting on testosterone. Historically any time I’ve shaved my armpits, even in adolescence, I felt as though my naked armpits were ugly, naked whale looking things, and I’ve only enjoyed them when they’ve been shaded by the growth of my natural hair. I don’t feel that way this time around. I have no opinion with hair or without hair about how my armpits look. This is new.

It reminds me of my lifelong connection to my hands. My whole life, since childhood, I would look at my hands and they never seemed real to me. I felt like they were supposed to be paws and that they should look more like paws. I never really “recognized” my hands as my own when I looked at them. Shortly after starting testosterone last June I had the experience of glancing down at my hands and recognizing them as hands, and as my own hands. Normal. I can see my body as mine and as attractive and right for the first time in my life.

If HRT is causing me to be less dysphoric about my body, what exactly does “dysphoria” mean when pertaining to gender identity?

My medical records state that I have Gender Dysphoria. However, I feel better than I ever have about my body and my health since I started HRT. I feel normal. Perhaps what this indicates is that society is dysphoric in its dichotomic expectations of individual human beings, which lay outside the parameters of varietal biological reality. Maybe in a world where when I said “I identify as gender neutral/fluid/FemmeBoy” and I was treated and recognized as such, I would not “need” testosterone to feel normal in my body and less anxious. Then again, even in that world I would still wish my facial hair would grow, my clitoris was larger, and my sexual appetite more regular. Yet again, also in that world being prescribed testosterone for these reasons would probably be “on label usage” instead of an off label experiment to allay the psychologies of those with a dysphoric “mental illness”.

This is all just to say, “I am me, and you are you”, let’s respect one another for the experiences and preferences we have about our own bodies, shall we? Those preferences and experience are backed by a science we call “biology”.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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