From the Desk of a Dominatrix

I write a lot. Not just this blog, but advice to friends, vetting prospective clients, stories, new art ideas, brainstorming my future, applications and auditions and scripts for new projects and employ… I write a lot. And I field a lot of questions — especially about kink and sexuality. Today I thought I’d share some of my recent quips and retorts, responses, and explanations to people who have approached me for this sexy thing or that… I hope you enjoy!

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To: the regular client and friend who gets turned on when we play, and is asking for something more as a part of our friendship~

I appreciate your willingness to be honest about your fantasies and your non-attachment to my answer affecting our working relationship. I enjoy (perhaps require) goodwill with anyone I spend my time and attention on professionally as well as personally.

I do not provide [what you’ve asked for] as a service. There may be a point in our friendship where I feel interested in trying new things. I am not against expressions of sensuality in ways which feel organic to the moment, as long as everyone is enthusiastically consenting and there is no expectation that certain acts will be committed prior to them happening. Thank you for asking. Xx

To: the potential client who asks what turns me on~

A ton of things. Respect, people who try/have good hearts, caregivers, people who don’t lean on me or try to pressure me into things, people who value my time and treat me with autonomy, people really really good at things who I get to watch being great at those things… Teachers.

To: the person interested in a sugar relationship but is under the impression that it’s “transactional” and is looking for guidance as to what to expect from a potential sugar date~

Sugar is relationship based. If there’s chemistry and we’re interested in hanging out and playing, then that could happen, it depends on the feelings of everyone involved. Gifting is something which helps a sugar baby take the time off work and the rest of her world to really focus on pleasing and putting energy into their daddy/mommy… Usually a sugar daddy will show up and gift his babe for taking time to meet up with him, and the date will go the way a date goes. In time, most successful sugar relationships move to an allowance arrangement or something even more freeing than that. If it’s “transactional” as you put it, then it would be solicitation which is illegal. It’s not a sugar thing to promise sex acts for money before ever meeting, that’s something else.

To: the one time hook-up who finds my pro Dom profile, and says he’d like to meet my Dominant side sometime~

Well, that’s also my professional side. I don’t really share that outside of sessions, training arrangements, or with my other sex worker lovers. It’s just not something I’m inspired to do these days outside of paying my bills.

To: the jagoff who thinks I exist only to send nude pics and randomly pops into my feed to demand them from me~

Venmo 50 to: DreamLilithAwake

(When they persist over and over again with the same solicitation: +10 each time, and repeat until they’re tired and stop contacting me or I just block them ’cause it’s suuuuperrrrrrrr boring!)

To: the random dude with a confederate flag license plate photo displayed in his profile who writes, “we seem to have a lot in common,”… (even though nothing in our “likes” section is similar)~

I don’t see anything we have in common. First and foremost I don’t fuck or play with racists, and I consider anyone who flies a confederate flag in 2018 to be a racist. I come from a biracial family. If you haven’t figured out how much hate and pain is wrapped up in that symbol by now you’re either a racist or willfully ignorant. Either way I’m extremely disinterested in bringing you pleasure or happiness in any form. Please do not contact me again. (*Block)

To: the would-be submissive client who is confused about my gender and sex, afraid I’ll be offended, yet who would also like to stay in touch with me when he realizes I have a vagina (not that he’d ever have cause to see it, regardless)~

I am female, just so you know. AFAB: Assigned Female at Birth. I’m not FTM (explicitly), I’m a female who takes testosterone and enjoys their body the way it is on testosterone (no surgery). I identify as woman and boy (not man or girl). I am genderfluid. This means I enjoy my femininity and masculinity pretty much equally.

If you like, you may be in touch with me. I’m not offended, I just prefer to be asked questions rather than have anything about my identity assumed. There’s far too much of that in this world… assumptions keep us from connecting with one another, and I am in the business of deep and beautiful connections.

To: the inexperienced (and seemingly entitled) kid who wants to submit to “someone who loves this, not someone they have to pay”, after writing a rather long laundry list of exactly what they want to have done to them and offering nothing in return~

I love these things — really truly! I also Dominate professionally and am very good at it and have a lot of practice. It takes up time and energy, and I make very little money. Like I said, I’m happy to enter into a less expensive training style of relationship with you, but I still need support and service to take time off of my work and spend my energy on you. If that’s not for you, I understand. I make less than $15,000 a year, and sexuality education and kink are my areas of expertise.

If you’re interested in subbing for someone you may want to consider what it is you would like to offer to please your Dom. Putting that out there is an important part of conversational exchange. No matter how much someone loves being in control, it is still an expenditure of time, forethought, and energy. Doms need support in a variety of ways in order to keep those things up too. Just something to think about. It may not be money that you offer, it may be something else… ~Sir

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Be a good client: Sex workers, like all workers, have the right to refuse service for many varying reasons (certainly safety issues, and requests which are illegal being amongst them). When one works for themselves that right of refusal is exercised with a much easier stroke of the pen, whereas saying no to an employer within their office environment might be cause for losing a job.

It’s important to be a good client. Sex workers (mainly: women, PoC, LGBT people, queers, poor people, and marginalized people) owe you nothing. It is your job to work with us for a fabulous experience catered to your interests and desires within the boundaries of what we actually offer. It is no one’s job but your own to take care of your sexual or sensual needs, and certainly not someone else’s job to do for free.

Entitlement needs to end, and I believe these days we’re getting closer to understanding that in more and more communities. One’s need for sexual and sensual connection and release is real. Some people are interested in working in an industry which celebrates those things and addresses those needs. Realizing our sexualities and sensualities are ways we feed our bodies, our hearts, our psychologies, and even our spiritualities. Consider professionals who talk about and offer sensual and sexual services, as people with jobs first. And then go on, make your sex worker smile today…

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

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