Kitten inspiration in the puppy section of the petstore… Where do you notice your inner light brighten?
A few things are happening in this post. I’ll be talking about finding what makes one happy, and at the same time I’ll be sharing some information about what I am doing right now…
This blog is almost a year old! A LOT has happened in my life since deciding to start to write this. I started up ABCsOfKink for a number of reasons including that I was feeling very stagnant in my life and often uninspired by the work I had been doing up to that point. I was fully booked in my performance career, but I wasn’t doing new projects as much as I wanted to. It was my 35th birthday, and I needed to shake up my life a little to feel challenged and as though I was proactively participating in my journey. I was single and dating a few different people ranging from casually to rather seriously. I was as active in the kink community as I could be with a full performance schedule, and I regularly found new playmates to help my understanding of kink and my understanding of self evolve further.
Since that time I’ve had many more experiences, and I’ve started doing something I find incredibly hard – dating someone in a manner that resembles a primary partnership, while maintaining relationships and playtime (when I can) with others. It’s been a huge growth opportunity for me, and I’m a stronger and more confident person for it (still a ways to go though). I have gone on the road for a touring show three times now, this current stint being a 9 month project which has required me to buy and majorly renovate a van, give up my home, and leave the community I’ve been working alongside for the past 18 years. I have been writing three times a week about sexuality, a subject I feel deeply connected to and desire to explore and know more and more fully.
I’m in a place where I feel it is time to move on. Next week will be my last week writing regularly for the ABCs blog; I will have been posting for a year’s worth of weeks by next Friday.
The things that turn us on come and go in our lifetimes. Sometimes these are people, sometimes these are positions, projects, acts, toys, props, ideas… As we grow our needs and desires grow, and there is nothing wrong with needing a new take on stimulation to feel fulfilled or satisfied. Some people find kink for this very reason – as a way to spice up their relationships and rekindle the energy they feel they’ve lost. I think one of the best things you can do for yourself is constantly ask the question: what am I interested in right now?
If you can’t find the answer to this question, try learning about your community. Look to the things that are actually around you, log out for a minute and go have an experience. Visit silly things, boring things, utilitarian things… The hardware store, your local watering hole with a journal and your favorite pen, a theater show, art galleries, music shows, libraries and bookstores, a farmer’s market, the pages of your continuing education catalog… Not to mention sexuality stores, munches and other kink gatherings, club nights, meetings and meet-ups of all kinds… By getting out and interacting with the world you’ll find the things that make you feel viscerally alive, inspired, and confident that you can accomplish what you’ve always been curious about.
Transparency with yourself is invaluable. If you are unable to think positively or claim that you’re actually interested in the things that turn you on, then it will be very hard to explore them in healthy and safe ways. If you’re interested in same sex encounters (should you identify straight) or differing sex encounters (should you identify as gay or lesbian), then start reading about bisexuality, bi-curiosity, and “ish-ness”. Regardless of what is currently interesting you, spend some time thinking about your fantasies and figure out which ones you want to try out (not all fantasies are IRL material), and research safe ways you that you can make some approximation of them happen. Talk with good friends about what you feel is verboten, find comrades you can confide in – you may find out your dirty little interest is actually one shared by a lot of people. Find forums, read articles, know that there is nothing under the sun that is new, and most things can be done via methods encouraging more positive outcomes than if you try reinventing the wheel to get there. Remember that if your interest is a little taboo, the people you reach out to who are even a bit accomplished at it, have been in some way where you are now – realizing what they want and faced with how to deal with it.
Sharing yourself with others is a step toward success. If you have found solid(ish) ground on your own and feel confident that the things you’re thinking about are ok and an important part of you for the moment, then starting to come out to a few safe people is a great way to build support. Hopefully these will be people who love and respect you no matter what you tell them about who you are, people you share interests with, and people who you want to maintain transparency with because you find it important. By opening up with others and practicing honesty about your inner self you’ll be taking steps toward deeper connection. Connection is one of the things we all need to feel happy with ourselves and confident in our lives.
The things we need are often the subjects we become masters of. When you find that this current subject makes you happy, that you enjoy and feel grounded by it, and that you like being open about it with friends and your safe community, you may want to consider being a resource to others. To get to the point you’re at you have spent energy and thought and processing time. You have probably become proficient (or at least a solid beginner) at the subjects and techniques you have dedicated these resources to. Being available to share honestly about the struggles of your own journey and what you’ve learned is a gift invaluable to the people around you who may also be struggling. I am “out” about a lot of parts of my life, and it is a privilege for me to be so. It is also a responsibility I have worked hard to have.
Every day is a new one. Sometimes I awake happy to be alive, or catch that flavor randomly in the middle of my day. Some days I wake up depressed after processing something difficult in my sleep or realize at some point that day that I am caught up by something that makes me uncomfortable. What I do, the decisions I make, how I battle to both stand up for myself and be kind and clear with those around me is a struggle I am grateful to chip away at each day. I am fallible and I am learning and I struggle to be better. I want to burn steadily in my lifetime. I want to matter, most of all to me. That means doing all the work I can when I find it, and embracing the joy available to me from wherever it may come… be that chains or sex or conversation or anything else under the well weathered sun.
To Breath and Being,
~ Karin
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~Thank you.
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Be an ABCs contributor: Do you have a story or perspective to share about kink or would you like to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!