I don’t know how to talk about anything except how tired I am right now. It’s deep in my bones. My spine hurts. My brain hurts. Days feel rote and disinteresting. I can’t tell if this is me heading to the low place in my emotional cycle or if I have indeed lost my joie de vive… It’s been a hard Winter, yes, but it always is. It’s been a hard couple years. Politics have asked a lot from people who already struggle because of politics.
It’s tiring having conversations stirred which evoke wounds and lifelong fears, lifelong worries, lifelong vigilances, lifelong lessons about what I can and cannot have without tirelessly fighting. It’s important that these conversations are heard though. Heard by those who don’t struggle these struggles. It’s important that the voices instigating these conversations are not the voices of the people who have lived them—as much as it’s important that those who have lived these struggles are always promptly given the mic when they show up to speak. I cannot fight the patriarchy as well as a cis man can, as well as a white man can, as well as a straight man can. In fact, honestly I probably can’t fight the patriarchy as well as a person of an organized faith can. People who support inhumane policies which would take my earthbound rights, my body, my voice away from me are not open to hearing my commentary. Still, I speak and I fight everyday. I’ve been fighting since childhood vocally and demonstrably. I will be fighting until the day I die.
I need to hear more men speak up to call out marginalization and micro-aggressions, make space for new ways of thinking, and demand respect for those who are not being seen and cared for by society on the regular. It’s important that men educate themselves, and dare to invest in conversations with people who do not share their privileges or ease of movement within the system which targets so many others. I am grateful for the men in my life who really get this and fight too. I wish there were more of them. It’s not enough to be a good sort and sit comfortably.
Since last year my online hits for this blog have been nearly cut in half. Part of this is fallout from the FOSTA/SESTA generated fear of anything which speaks about sex online. Part of this is that I just don’t have the money or the energy or time to figure out how to convert this blog to the secured “https” format. I’m sure part of it is that cis-hetero guys find me less conventionally attractive than they did when I passed as more of a femme/female and less trans (regardless that my inner world hasn’t shifted in the least bit). Part of this is the crackdown from instagram and facebook about what they are allowing to be shown on their platforms, and lessening the visibility of links to (free or not) anything outside of their platform from creators who aren’t paying for ads. No longer shall a vast proportion of my friends see my posts about what art I’m making, what blog I’ve written, what show has me in their line-up, or how to support me through Patreon—without me paying for the privilege. My artistic and educator voice online is quite literally being silenced without funds to advertise on platforms which tout “community” as their main point of existence. I am particularly vulnerable to these tactics being female, queer, a sex educator, a sex worker, trans, and an artist. All that I comment on these days seems to be verboten.
I care about, speak about, and think about black people, people of color, and indigenous people though I am not these things. When I speak of issues which effect me, I consider and bring attention to how the problems I’m addressing are often intensified or different for people with less privilege than I, a white queer. I understand that my audience is pretty white. I know white people are able to hear me and sometimes feel comfortable asking me questions, or holding back their knee-jerk reactions to what I’m saying in a way that they won’t or can’t or haven’t done with people who are not white. It’s not just what I believe in, it’s what I would do for anyone I care about, no matter what their struggle. If I can see it, it’s important to speak it and hold space for it.
Courage is important. Research is important. Approaching conversations with people you feel comfortable asking for direction from is important. We teach within community, because that’s what community is meant for: Learning. Support. Guidance. Evolution.
Social media is great for sharing our good days, the things we’re proud of, the moments we want to share. It’s good for the occasional confrontational outburst and emergency call for help. Social media is not good at helping us witness one another in our times of need or within the moments which are struggle, which are tiring, which are stolen from us. Who (for the most part) has the energy to post that?
If you like me because I’m pretty/handsome/my own, because you’ve been attracted to my art, because you appreciate my mind and wisdom, because you learn when you speak with me, because I’ve created space for you yourself to grow, because you feel it’s possible to be connected to people you admire, because there’s something in what I bring to the table that feels good or that you want: know that I became this creature that I am through daily struggle, through unconscionable treatments, and a life full of repression leading to the inner value of rebellion. I am kind and thoughtful. I am also angry, make no mistake. I am too furious not to show up with my words and considerations of others. I create the things I create, I value council with others, I unendingly research the questions I have, and refresh my perspective by adding new questions to research because I want no part in the insidious brutality I see around me and that I’ve felt, that I witness and feel.
I’m pretty high functioning, which mustn’t be confused for a life without pain. I choose to invest love in those I am around, it is my greatest resistance to a society I loathe and a system I see grinding up the remains of everyone in its path who isn’t prepared to choose the people they walk by on the street over the selfishness of participation in the system.
What does this mean? Following are some of the thoughts I have when I reflect on such things. Obviously this is an inexhaustible list, and not everyone has the bandwidth or resources for each of these things. But the list is a great start toward making a difference, and if you already do all the things think of a new one and add on to it:
- Look people in the eye when passing on the street. Everyone. Notice who you have an easy time smiling at and who you avoid connecting with. Consider what it means to practice things that don’t come naturally.
- If someone helps you in an intangible or nurturing way, thank them and think about how you can help them back—ask.
- Confront your fears and expectations of other people, especially concerning any “types” you entertain in your head or heart reactionarily.
- Meditate deeply on the reality that other people’s lives and realities are not about you, no matter how much you feel they might be.
- Retire objectification unless you’ve negotiated it with someone purposefully and to mutual benefit.
- Learn to know yourself, your boundaries, your limitations, you desires… and learn to speak them—practice speaking them.
- Ask questions. Sometimes ask if you can ask a question, knowing nobody owes you the energy of answers. Learn to research on your own, but don’t believe that what you’ve read is a more important perspective that what a person shares with you about their experiences.
- Don’t beat yourself up when you realize you’ve put your foot in your mouth or offended someone. Definitely feel bad for a minute and sit with that feeling, it’s an important teacher. It will help you understand the shape of your mistakes so you can resolve to speak or act differently the next time.
- Forgive your past arrogance and work to become a more compassionate present and future. Arrogance and ignorance are often bedfellows.
- Give money to people who teach you and care for you. Teaching and care-taking are jobs. They require not a minimal amount of effort and they are careers born out of love, and frequently pain and struggle. Your teachers have seen things/done things/survived things/endeavored to grow and share their meaning makings. We owe our teachers homes and food and enough to thrive, not just barely survive.
- If you don’t appreciate how hard someone is coming across about their politics, and that person experiences less social privilege or different forms of marginalization than you do, connect with your resources for compassion and consider the conflict a lesson in curiosity and empathy rather than a battle for “rightness”. What don’t you understand about the equation?
- If you love people who have female reproductive organs, right now is an extremely scary and exhausting and depressing time. It has been for(ever) a couple years now and it’s getting worse. It’s continuing on and on and on. It’s a war waging, not a battle here and there to be won or lost. Our bodies are on the line and there is no escape. Maybe offer people with female reproductive organs things like massages or other nice things—like completely reversible and less invasive operations such as your vasectomy…
- If you favor a female, PoC, LGBT, or poverty immersed-and-versed political candidate, speak up about them online frequently. Post articles. Write a line or two about why you favor them each time you post something. Engage in conversations with your family and friends about why you value their platform and perspective and how their status as a marginalized person is a strength with potential to better serving everyone within our communities.
- When you see a wall of white male faces doing anything anywhere, question it. Wonder why their group (maybe even your group) is as homogenous as it is. Wonder how other people in the room feel about the presence of this group and who might be stepping aside or taking a backseat in conversation or networking, or diplomatically making nice within the set of circumstances you’re within. Don’t change your situation through tokenization, but absolutely start being interested in the personhood and lives of people who aren’t white.
- Have you ever hired a marginalized person for a job? On purpose? As a practice? Have you seeked out people who are marginalized to come apply? Do you look for small businesses from marginalized communities to give your money to? Have you gifted a marginalized person who you value in your life something lately? Sure, it’s not your job to do these things, but proximity to wealth, ease, and social networking are things you can not only have but be.
I think that’s all I have in me today. I hope it’s been helpful.
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
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