“I’ve been fantasizing about you”, a perfect stranger who’s hit me up on a dating app texts, “I want you to cum in my mouth…”
“Never happened before, I doubt that would happen”, I reply.
“Guaranteed!”, he answers back.
“Lol. I don’t cum for oral. Such a funny thing for people to expect…”
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As both a professional in the sex industry and as someone who often engages in sex within the gay community, I get told by a lot of cis men what sex is supposed to look like, feel like, and work out to be like. I have numerous fantasies thrown in my general direction, with the underlying assumption being that they’ll somehow “stick”. This behavior is usually accompanied by very few questions (if any) directed toward me about what I actually want or happen to enjoy.
What is this misogynous bullshit, you may find yourself asking?! I agree. Just because someone wants me to cum doesn’t make them a good person or even capable of fulfilling that goal. It doesn’t make them not a pushy dude. It doesn’t add up to treating me as a valued equal with individual desires and needs. I don’t get turned on by inconsiderate people, pushy dudes, or suitors who don’t treat me as equal and uniquely individual.
The fact is everyone is different. What we’ve been taught about sex in this society is extremely limited and represents the tip of a very large and majorly invisible iceberg. I find scenarios like the one above both fitting and ironic. Fitting because most people aren’t taught enough about sex to understand how different it can be for others. Ironic because I’m in the sex industry pretty much specifically because sex enacted in most of the “normal” ways is: at best hard for me; at worst dehumanizing or emotionally traumatic; and on average dull, painful, or less than exciting rather than pleasurable. My fantasies have nothing to do with cumming in someone’s mouth. I’m definitely not against it, I just don’t believe it would come to physically manifest, so it seems like a really boring and stressful thing to negotiate, especially considering sexy times would ideally be a pleasurable event.
To delve more deeply into what I’m talking about, let’s start here: it’s very hard to make me cum. It takes a long time. It takes a lot of stimulation performed in just the right way. It often takes being under the influence of something which helps get me out of my hyper-vigilant head, and places me more deeply into my body. It takes emotional, physical, and psychological trust in my play partner(s). Inviting an absolute stranger over to perform cunnilingus on me, with that person assuming they’ll get me to cum (much less experience pleasure at all), is definitely not a scenario I’m going to negotiate if I’d like to have a great time in the sack with someone I barely know.
Here’s another thing to know about this:
I’m not abnormal.
I know tons of people across sex and gender spectrums who function similarly to me. Having a hard time coming to orgasm, not being able to achieve orgasm at all with a partner, or only being able to orgasm in specific positions, by using particular toys, or from within certain emotional or mental spaces are all common sexual experiences. Just because sex and orgasm might be easy for you to achieve does not mean it’s easy for the people you find attractive. There’s so much shame, disappointment, and fear around sex in our culture, it’s really important to understand this reality and create space for other people and their experiences and needs to shine as brightly as your own, when approaching others for a hook-up. Just because you fantasize about what feels good to your body, or things you’d like to do to someone else’s body, doesn’t mean those things are pleasurable (or even interesting) to that other person.
For me, what great sex looks like is what we generally sweep under the rug in the name of “foreplay”. I LOVE spending hours getting freaky and exponentially turned on by way of relaxation, trust, playfulness, and tease. I absolutely love to cum(!) and I usually end up using my vibrator in combination with various other body parts from my intimate friends in order to get there. I can count on one hand how many times in my life I’ve had an orgasm which was “hands free” (meaning my hands were not making an orgasm happen with the use of my vibrator). Of those few orgasms, only one of them didn’t involve my vibrator at all. Every single one of those orgasms involved me being under the influence of marijuana.
I am not broken. This reality is not uncommon.
Just because you fantasize about a scenario with a particular person doesn’t mean the person you’re fantasizing about has the ability to—or even the interest in—engaging in that fantasy. Connection with other people is just that: the bringing together of individual intrigues and talents in order to experience the specific alchemy that can be expected from the intrigues and talents of those particular autonomous individuals. One single person cannot make partnered sex good. Participation (in some manner) by that other person is required. Pleasurable partnered sex means that more than one person’s needs, interests, body, and desires must be taken into account. Not all good sex looks or feels the same—as anyone who’s had more than one sex partner should know.
So, how do we cultivate better communication around sex and negotiation so we can all have a great time? How do we share our fantasies with people who are the object of our intrigue in ways that might attract them to us rather than repel? Let’s even dare to ask: how do we get our personal fantasies fulfilled without regard to someone else’s interests (if that’s what we truly desire from a tryst)?
- Get better at thinking about and talking about sex in detail. Learn to talk about it, think about it, and ask about it very specifically, even graphically.
- Learn to ask questions and be curious about other people’s experiences and sexual preferences.
- Learn to view your fantasies as your own and not confuse them as anyone else’s.
- Be curious about what gets a person (who isn’t you) off.
- Consider whether the things a potential mate shares with you about their interests and body are things you’re interested in engaging with or not.
- Be honest about whether or not you’re looking to please others. If you’re in the sex game simply for your own agenda to be met, be honest and upfront about that. Some people are pleasers. Probably someone will be into your ideas.
- Know your own boundaries, and respect other people’s stated (and non-verbally communicated) boundaries.
- When someone says “no”, voices disinterest, or suggests they’re not into your fantasy, DON’T DOUBLE DOWN ON IT.
- If you’re only after getting your own fantasy fulfilled, have the grace to thank the person who doesn’t share your agenda for their time, wish them well, and move along to the next person to find out whether they share your enthusiasm for the activity you’re trying to negotiate.
- Don’t try to convince anyone that they’ll “love it” if they just let you do what you want… (I mean that sounds rather rapey, doesn’t it?)
Everyone involved will be much happier in the long run. When you have these communication and negotiation skills down, you’ll probably get laid more often, and more people will experience pleasure in the laying. The reward for better vetting and negotiation practices is improved quality in your sex life!
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
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