I came across this question recently, and it’s a question I’ve been asked before. It points to the complexity of gaining consent while acknowledging that there’s more to a scene than knowing everything that’s going to occur beforehand. I enjoy the way the questioner shared his thoughts, and his openness about wanting both creative license and responsibility toward his partner by gaining proper consent. Following is his inquiry and my response.
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I do not want to violate consent and I want to present ideas during negotiations like a good playmate. However, there are some actions which in my mind would probably have more sadistic impact if they were brought up during play and lose some of the shock-and-awe impact if discussed ahead of time. Of course consent would still need to be given when presented, but the ability to give consent during the scene is compromised because of headspace.
For example, if I were to tell a playmate that halfway during the scene I was going to dress up like an alien, abduct them, and examine them, the shock and awe of it would be minimized and I might get a reduced impact when I engaged the hydrophylic-multi-probe.
However could I get consent to that ahead of time anyways?
I think though, my gut is telling me that surprises like that are not good to pop up in the middle of the scene, because of possible past abduction triggers and the such.
So, how do I present abstract ideas in a way that won’t wreck the experience? Do I try and say as little as possible, like, “hey girl, you into alien abduction and examinations” and leave it at that? I’m just worried it would take the spice out of it, and she be like, “damn, why didn’t you just do it instead of telling me first because now I expect it and it ain’t going to be any fun “Marvin”, and then she silently googles alien abductions to make sure I do it right.
Thoughts about losing sadistic shock and awe by discussing abstract actions during negotiations? ~Alien Invader
Dear Alien Invader: What you’re going for is definitely more complex than a sadistic spanking, flogger scene, or even needle play. Your gut is right: you will need varied permissions to achieve consent for something this involved. There are a few ways to achieve what you desire, and I think breaking your scene down into its parts is a good strategy for negotiation. By doing this you’ll also get a better feel for what will and won’t fly with your partner without having to lay your plans completely bare.
If you’re negotiating with a regular play partner you’ll have a different approach and conversation during negotiation than with someone you’re doing pick-up play with. I’m going to answer your question assuming you have some time to discuss what you want—somewhere in between.
First, consider breaking your scene into its parts for conversation geared toward those parts. Keep an eye toward the physical, emotional, and psychological effects the whole of this scene may trigger as you do this. Off the top of my head I’d include conversations about:
- Abduction: Abduction is a big subject in and of itself. Are you thinking of just an in-scene abduction, moving from the kitchen to the living room while your partner is blindfolded, or are you throwing your partner into the back of an unmarked van as they exit the grocery store on chore day? Obviously one of these scenarios is MUCH more involved and will require even further breakdowns… Keep in mind too that if you have a desire (or the need) for anyone else to be involved, it’s important to clear each person with your partner and to know to what extent they are allowed to interact sensually, sexually, sadistically, etc. in a scene.
- Dominant Archetypes: Does your partner have an interest in or aversion to particular Dominant characters? Does she get really excited about melodramatic horror movie villains but hate masks and non-verbal looming-types? What kinds of characters are exciting to her, and what characters are triggering? If you make a list of over-the-top characters, you can see if she circles “Aliens” as good to go.
- Role Play: Does she like role play in general? Is she intrigued by the idea of being someone’s patient? What are her feeling about medical play and otherworldly Doctors or scientists? Are there scenarios she’s absolutely into the idea of which might parallel your alien invasion dynamic that you could discuss? Role play can be tricky for people. Not everyone wants to “play their part” in scene. If you want to be treated as the Alien you’re playing because otherwise you know you’ll lose your interest or confidence in what you’re doing, it’s good to clear role play as an area of interest in general, and know what types of needs you both might have around slipping into and out of character. That way you both know what’s expected of you when someone starts speaking in tongues and dons their lab coat…
- Probing and Orifice Penetration: This is probably obvious, but negotiating sexual and sensual touch is basic and still really important. Not everyone is ok with their body being used and abused similarly. Not everyone enjoys sex, penetration, or even genital stimulation involved with their kink. Some people are totally fine with fingers and cocks coming in and out of holes, but not toys. Sometimes everything is on the table except fellatio. Sometimes the person is good to go as long as condoms or other barriers cover anything touching mucus membranes… Make sure that before you penetrate someone’s body that you know what you’re doing and how you’re doing it is on their “green” list. In your particular scene I assume you’ll probably want to clear medical tools and toys along with any bio-bits you intend to use. This is an awesome time to discuss STIs, pregnancy risks, and overall sexual health and interests if you haven’t already.
- Costumes: This may seem silly to clear with your partner, but some people get very disoriented when they don’t recognize their partner because of how they’re moving, what they’re wearing, or even how they sound or smell. This could cause your scene to take a bad turn quickly. Masks are a common enough turn off, the textures of various materials, even an inadvertent association with what you’re wearing with a past memory. Sometimes a human mask will elicit a better or worse response than an animal mask or fantasy face. Everyone has different associations with “the other”.
- Toys: Consider the toys and tools you’d like to use in your scene. Consider those elements as negotiation points. If you don’t want to focus on your exact line-up of objects, include them in a longer list and have your partner circle the ones they like, cross off the ones they don’t like, and you can check in about the ones that have been left unmarked.
Each one of these checkpoints (plus whatever other ones you feel are appropriate) represents a conversation you’ll want to have prior to sceneing. When you bring all the pieces together there should still be surprises and you have your bases covered. There’s no replacement for getting to know someone well and playing with them a lot over time, however even people you know like the back of your hand still need check-ins and updates concerning their interests and limits. The more trust and knowledge there is built up between you and your partner, the better you’ll be able to navigate which surprises are fun and which are potential disasters.
I will also note that whether a scene comes off as a total surprise or has expected elements contained within it, it’s the scene itself and experiencing these moments together that’s the real magic and joy of play.
The last thing I’ll mention is that asking how your partner feels about surprises in general matters in this instance too. If they love knowing less about what’s going to happen, you can negotiate boundaries around what they do and don’t want during a surprise encounter. If they hate surprises, well, that’s a clear indication you should outline the scenario you have in mind and spitball the details with them.
When it comes to playtime the worst-case scenario for a well negotiated scene (outside of harm or injury of any kind) is that your partner calls red and you engage in whatever aftercare is needed while learning to negotiate even better with that person in the future. Nothing is certain, but by being respectful, responsible, attentive, communicating well, and continuing to be trustworthy you’ll find you can weather mishaps much more effectively than if you operate under the assumption that you know best. You may even be creatively inspired by the conversations you have with your partner, and end up adding ideas you wouldn’t have had otherwise. Good luck in your play!
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
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