Service as Levity

April 30, 2019 by

I am sick today. My head is pounding. I am a snot factory. My throat is a bit better than yesterday, though still on fire. I’ve got shit to do! Luckily I have a a sub who is “under consideration” right now. This is someone I’ve pledged to connect with and ask service of as I/we evaluate whether a long distance connection is worth it to both of us over a longer period of time. While I usually prefer long distance relationships in general, BDSM relationships are much harder for me to navigate this way. I prefer to live through my hands rather than my mind completely—though it’s not impossible to find both, even with distance. Today I have assigned it (“it” is it’s identity to Me) to send me something to make me smile while I work through the fog of this flu. I was sent this:

A good start! It did make me smile. It also prompted me to tell it to send me a photo, when it gets home from work, of how it would be dressed if, as Dobby, it was offered free reign over expression… I look forward to having my spirits lifted through such a lovely representation of self care, service, and entertainment.

We are new to this relationship arrangement, though this is someone I have been interfacing with for a few years here and again. When I think of service, I usually imagine getting my house cleaned or my body massaged. I think of physical tasks that need getting done or that I may need help with. Painted toes, delicious food, in a clean home. I think of ordering a butt plug to be worn while the dishes get done, tying up an arm as my cook struggles to get the dinner finished. I think of cuddles and nuzzles and pups wiggling by my feet.

The experience of watching someone say “yes, Sir”, and then commit to fully experiencing the ask I’ve made, is where levity resides when we’re playing face to face. Perhaps one of the most neglected forms of service I ask for is simply to ask for levity… to be picked up and dusted off from the grind and focus of my own survival by the absurdity or pleasure of another person’s trial is delicious to me. I love being joined on this clown-life path, filled with amazement and a sense that one can, whatever that silly seeming thing may be.

I’ve been working on a much deeper more complex writing for the past couple weeks, but my brain is not in the place to publish it today. I want to be sure that my editing and writing is carefully looked over and fully developed before sharing. I worry that I won’t be able to get my work done if I start a new writing today. I struggle because I’m sick and because I feel badly about my own limited capabilities. My energy is reserved and there is not a lot to give. My world is not a prism-colored rainbow of all the righteously shared and considered things this week, and I myself am not fun to be around right now. I take that struggle on as yet another energy drain when I look at the roles I am expected (and want) to play. Doms, moms, and other busy folk shouldn’t have to get sick (though I suppose it’s helpful psychologically when we take time)…

I also suppose that service-as-levity is in some ways exactly what service is meant to be.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please visit my Patreon, offer one time Support or email me for options. Thank you.

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Dear Creature: Gender Non-Conforming vs. Nonbinary

April 24, 2019 by
Headshot of Creature Karin Webb. Pierced septum and medusa, glasses on top of forehead. Medium length light brown hair, light chin hairs, faint sparse mustache, blue eyes.

Dear Creature,

While out to dinner with my newest housemate, I was asked a question I wasn’t able to answer, but immediately thought of you as the perfect person to consult! We’re putting together a panel/social for queer, femme-identifying and gender non-binary folx, and we are inquiring about the differences between “gender nonbinary” and “gender non-conforming” identities, which I can only imagine are quite nuanced.

I think I might identify as queer, cis-fem, and at times gender non-conforming in the way I dress and behave and do sex… and other times in a highly gender conforming, feminine manner. I suppose behaving like a creature would also make me gender non-conforming… right? I feel rather behind on many conversations my peers are having on the subject matter, and I want to keep up… I’m just a bit out of practice.

I’d love to know your thoughts! Hope you are having a day filled with magic of all kinds!

###

Thank you for this great question!

In general, I’d say “nonbinary” is an umbrella term which covers terms such as genderqueer, genderfluid, nonbinary, gender non-conforming, a-gender, third gender, two-spirit… etc. It’s descriptive of people who do not subscribe to or feel properly defined by the limitations of a binary male vs. female identity. Nonbinary identifying people generally believe ourselves to fall into identity spaces which are neither male nor female, or we embrace traits of both, and/or see ourselves as other. Nonbinary points to gender as a spectrum of two or three dimensions, rather than two sides of a coin.

“Non-conforming” is just that: people who acknowledge themselves as existing within male or female spaces at some level, but don’t subscribe to a conformist social view of how those genders/sexes are “supposed to” look/act/feel/desire/present… etc.

Considering these terms side by side, you can be both nonbinary and gender non-conforming. You can also identify as cis and non-conforming, or binary trans and non-conforming. On one level it can be looked at as: non-conforming is something you “do”, while nonbinary speaks more to who or how you “are”.

Identity is highly personal. We get to use the words we feel connected to, using descriptions of these words in the ways which make most sense to us. It’s important to keep in mind that people describe their identities in different ways, sometimes using the same words to invoke different meanings, feelings, and behaviors. It’s helpful to understand a variety of meanings when discussing these things with others.

To reference the way you describe your identity above, some of the words you are using seem to have slightly different definitions from the ones I use, and that’s great! One example of where our definitions seem to diverge is within the concept of conformity. I, someone who identifies as nonbinary, don’t personally subscribe to the concept of gender existing within the binary format at all, so “acting female” or “acting like a woman” doesn’t really mean anything specific to me. Therefore it’s hard to be “non-conforming” regarding my tastes and behaviors “as a woman” (which is also one of my gender identities).

To explore this ideal further: is it “feminine” for a cis man to desire anal penetration? My answer would be absolutely not. The prostate, when stimulated properly, can offer extreme pleasure. Is pleasure gendered or sexed? If we can say “no, pleasure itself is without sex or gender”, it follows that there is nothing gendered or sexed about the desire to or behavior of being penetrated. Therefore the desire to penetrate is also not sexed or gendered, meaning any person can desire penetration or to penetrate without it being seen as outside the norms of human agency and desire. It is not non-conformist to perform or desire either of these acts.

Another subtlety I’ll entertain in this conversation is that there is a difference between binary transgender identities and nonbinary transgender identities, particularly when it comes to issues of gender conformity. Those transgender people who view themselves as binary will sometimes have certain ideals or views more in common with cis people when it comes to gendered or sexed expectations. There may be more of an emphasis on or desire to “pass”, which can employ the tools of conformity at times. There are certainly binary trans folks who define “what a man or woman looks like” as what they themselves look like, by default of being a man or woman regardless of their personal ability to publicly pass as the gender they identify with.

So what even is the purpose of gender within descriptive language? I might say that certain “airs” contain an aspect of feminine energy or masculine energy, and that we all have each and other energies within us to draw from. So for me, non-conforming is less relevant to enunciate in general. My identities as genderfluid and nonbinary are already non-conformist by our binary social standards and definitions. Every individual has a capacity to take on and utilize a number of different energies, and therefore society’s ideas about conformity are just plain ‘ol incorrect by my definitions. Regardless, I certainly still get hung up on and have to examine and reexamine what I feel are instilled expectations vs. personal desires as I show my face publicly—or even as I define what I enjoy and find attractive about myself privately. Sticky work, unravelling this mess is…

To end on a positive note, if it’s empowering to you as a cis identifying person to interact with the socially constructed ideas of feminine and masculine as a jumping off point for conformity and non-conformity, then absolutely use those terms and words in the ways that describe your journey and your evolution best! This is one of the things that I love about identity conversations: they can go anywhere. When communicated thoughtfully and investigated more and more deeply, they teach us to hear one another and even to better understand ourselves more clearly over a lifetime.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please visit my Patreon, offer one time Support or email me for options. Thank you.


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Why Choice and Sexual Freedom are Men’s Issues

April 17, 2019 by
Screenshot of an old Craigslist announcement declaring, "US Congress just passed HR 1865, "FOSTA", seeking to subject websites to criminal and civil liability when third parties (users) misuse online personals unlawfully. "Any tool or service can be misused. We can't take such risk without jeopardizing all our other services, so we are regretfully taking craigslist personals offline. Hopefully we can bring them back someday. "To the millions of spouses, partners, and couples who met through craigslist, we wish you every happiness!"
A year ago this notification was posted on Craigslist after shutting down their “personals” section for fear of prosecution by the feds for unknowingly aiding sex traffickers. This action has proved to hurt consensual sex workers, their clients, civilians looking for unpaid sexual connection, AND sex trafficking victims in the year since.

Fosta/Sesta just had its one year anniversary, and in the past 6 months all over the country with exceeding traction, 6-week bans on abortion (anti-choice abortion bills limiting accessibility to medical intervention before most people even know they’re pregnant) have been proposed and signed by politicians. It seems “the land of the free” is more interested in controlling the bodies of women, people who are able to reproduce, and marginalized workers within the sex industry than they are at:

  • actually protecting victims of sexual trafficking
  • helping marginalized people gain control of their lives, or
  • discontinuing the targeting of women, racialized people, and LGBTQ people as objects for sexualization, objectification, and imprisonment (especially when found controlling their own bodies based on personal choice).

If you aren’t pissed off you’re either part of the problem or you’re not paying attention. Choice over what each person does with their own body—whether sensual, sexual, procreative, or abstinent—are issues which effect every one of us. I’d love more cis and cishet men to speak up in support of autonomous choice for marginalized people with committed regularity. Cis men are, by and large, the ones passing these egregious bills, signing them into law, the clients of sex workers, sex traffickers, brothel owners, and egg fertilizer/embryo creators. Of course cis men are NOT the ones who suffer most of the legal or natural consequences for fallout from an active sexuality or laws which target such. I’ll posit here this is why we view sexual choice as a “women’s” or “minority” issue. The disparity between who traditionally benefits vs. who traditionally suffers from such exchanges clearly makes these issues, to my mind: CIS MALE ISSUES.

Men are not off the hook for educating themselves about the consequences passed onto others when acting out in favor of their own libidos. Action is warranted on behalf of their fellow humans who carry less political power and appeal, yet who garner the lion’s share of punishment and/or hardship garnered from sexual union.

Be The Man. Which “The Man” are you going be? It’s everyone’s job to speak up, participate, sympathize or empathize, and read articles or otherwise educate themselves on what parts of our society unduly harm our neighbors in favor of ourselves. Similarly, we should be paying marginalized people for their time explaining the nuances of issues that disproportionately impact them, especially when we don’t individually do the work to educate ourselves first.

Ejaculation matters—but never through the imprisonment of my or any other person’s body. Recently Georgia’s gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams agreed with this sentiment, saying, “Women should not put their lives at risk because of sex, and whether it is seen as a commercial enterprise or it’s human trafficking, our obligation is to create a safe space so that no woman risks her life because of sex.”

In other news of political matters swinging toward the side of sanity, New York is currently considering how to fully decriminalize sex work. The most frequent way I hear people dismiss sex work, and therefore sex workers (who by the numbers come from marginalized populations), is by complaining that sex work is “transactional”, and they aren’t looking for “transactional sex”. I retort that if you don’t see how all sex is transactional (especially in our financially unequal society), it may benefit you to meditate on exactly what “transactional” means to you, and consider whether that opinion is indeed a correct perspective, or a privileged one.

Paying for someone’s time—such as one does with their massage therapist, medical doctor, ballet teacher, or landscaper—does not define an “impersonal connection” (unless that’s what you’ve negotiated you’re paying for, such as in the case of negotiating objectification). Paying for someone’s time helps define the terms for what type of connection is meant to be had within the confines of your time together based on what you want.

Because you may not be comfortable (or able) to turn your sexuality on and off as required, doesn’t mean other people cannot. Money is a great motivator for this—no one denies how grateful they are for the services of a professional massage therapist when none of their friends “have the energy”, for instance. One of the most poignant reasons for hiring a professional (in sex work or any other realm of expertise) is their ability to show up on time, prepared to enact and/or cultivate the experience and environment you’ve asked for. Though “transactional”, what exactly is there to criticize about this? It seems that only in sexual scenarios do we entertain the ridiculous belief that others owe us release and/or catering to which is not transactional. Of those who seem to take on this belief, cis men are the most determined not to sway from this unequal and privileged/gainful perspective.

The reality is that sexual exchange or “transactional sexuality” is as old as two autonomous people deciding to negotiate sexual acts. “Sex work” is only as old as capitalism.

Sex is sacred. Sex is triggering. Sex is healing. Sex is an opportunity to know yourself and to know others better. Sex is no big deal. Sex is fun. Sex is a way to bond. Sex is a way to reproduce. Sex is a way to relieve stress. Sex is a way to calm your mind and emotions. Sex is a workout. Sex is something which changes your body’s chemistry. Sex is risky. Sex can be threatening. Sex is manipulative. Sex is gender affirming. Sex is gender traumatizing. Sex is a way to have orgasms. Sex is a means for falling asleep more easily. Sex is something a lot of people have a hard time talking about. Sex doesn’t have to involve genitalia. Sex is different for (and with) different people. What counts and doesn’t count as sex is a broad subject for personal exploration.

Sex is euphemized as “knowledge”. Our sexual explorations can teach us a lot about our bodies, hearts, minds, spirits, and communities. Some people spend considerable time gathering these types of knowledge, and they should be entitled to compensation for time spent, skills developed, and their willingness to work, just as any other educated professional does.

May we respect and care for one another as we get our needs met. May we all advocate for our needs responsibly. May the powers that be in conjunction with those who have disproportionate privilege in society help to bring about meaningful change toward an egalitarian reality, doing what they can in our collective fight for freedom, personal fulfillment, and peace. Men, as you value your sexual needs being met, this means especially you too.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please visit my Patreon, offer one time Support or email me for options. Thank you.

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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