In Defense of Professionals when what You May Actually Want is a Professional

July 12, 2019 by

As a professional in the field of sexuality I hear the sentiment of, “I don’t want to pay for X experience“, a lot—whether the experience be a sexual one, to have a particular kink explored, or simply in effort of being Dominated by or submitted to safely and specifically. In and of itself, not paying for any particular thing is a preference—one that also begs a person be able to make the thing themselves, know people who will give it to them for free, or have a trade arrangement (which is just like paying really, let’s not pussyfoot around it). What I take issue with in these conversations are the reasons people cite for not desiring a tailored service from a person with extensive knowledge and abilities in the field of their desire. They usually go something along the lines of, “I don’t want to engage in that sort of thing” or “I want service from someone who actually likes and desires me.”

I responded to a message asking for advice about how to catch the eye of a Fem Domme recently. The writer felt he was failing at the task, and was confused because he himself was a Dom (who also switches), and he figured being a Dominant male should have made it easier to find a willing colleague to provide for him. In the course of his asking for advice he cited both of the anti-sex-worker sentiments above, and made mention that he, “only wanted one submissive experience”—as if it wasn’t a big deal, or was something someone should just easily be able to give him. He was scratching his head about why Fem Doms weren’t easy to attract.

All in all, the tone of his desire for this experience (an experience from a Dominant Woman) was exactly like that of hundreds of cis men who’ve approached me over the years with similar requests. I—and I’m sure many other cis women, genderqueer, and trans people—sense a deep lack of awareness about how they’re coming off to the women, queer, and female people they’re approaching. As this is such a common conversation, I thought I’d share my answer to him and expound a bit further for you. Related side-note: this conversation definitely intersects with race relations and people of other marginalized identities being asked for favors, friendship, and approval from more or differently privileged folk. Though it is not the same conversation as it would be for different experiences of marginalization, it’s a good thing to be aware of—especially when approaching someone whose lived experience is compounded through multiple forms of marginalization. I hope this writing inspires further consideration from people who haven’t thought about imbalance of privilege within circumstances asking for intimate connection. I hope you enjoy my words. If you’ve struggled with this yourself, perhaps you’ll find some new answers or approaches to aid in your struggle.

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First of all cut the anti-sex-worker crap. It does not make anyone sound superior when they say they don’t want to pay for something because they view it as “prostitution”, (and IMHO Dommes aren’t looking for “superior” subs anyways). What it does sound like is controlling and bigoted and just a little bit whiny. (I say this with a caring tone, not harshness, so you might understand a new perspective.)

Being female and being male in this society are just not the same thing (says the nonbinary trans person who experiences aspects of both). Being a male Dom does not carry with it the same feelings, trials, tribulations, considerations, experiences, or perspectives as being a female one, for the most part. Males submitting to females is not the same game as females submitting to males, or queers, or other combinations of traditional and very not traditional power play… There’s a lot to unpack in each gendered and sexed situation, and each combination of archetypes are not unpacking the same things.

For you, a cis male, to submit to a female and/or woman, you must seek to understand and revere the female and the female’s place in our society; allow yourself to revere that person, recognize them for their strengths and resilience, place yourself beneath that female or woman person. Allow yourself to actually give in ways you might not understand, yet are being told by that person that what they ask for is what they actually need/want/desire… to attract the Domme of your dreams you must want to give meaningfully.

If you don’t respect females and women of all stripes in this society, especially those who take power exactly as they desire to and/or need to from within their disenfranchised lives, perhaps you’re coming off a bit like a do-me sub. You may be declining to offer this Domme-of-your-dreams what that Domme would like to have in order to positively notice you. Whether it’s money or something else entirely is every individual’s fetish/fantasy/empowering key to desire, and they’re all different. They all count equally. It’s fine not to want to hire a professional, but don’t pretend you’re getting a better connection from someone who is not one, when honestly that’s your preference and it isn’t the truth—it’s your feeling, and your feeling is wrapped in judgment, not an understanding of the actual way of the world.

Being anti-consensual/passionate/loving/kickass/career-oriented sex-worker is extremely similar to being anti-feminist, and Dommes are a pretty feminist bunch, when you get down to it. Change your tune and you might attract a strong, kind, intelligent, interesting, skilled, incredible Domme or two who know themselves well enough to tell you exactly what they want—be it respect in monetary form as tribute for their time and attentions, your sex, simply to hogtie you exactly as they wish, or whatever else their very individual right-to-their-own-desires might be.

Though my words are strong, they’re meant openly and honestly. Not to hurt, but to round out a limited perspective and to educate. Take it as you may. All of these things are connected.

###

In addition to what I’ve written, I want to examine the fact that every successful relationship is predicated on a positive give and take. Even in longterm monogamous vanilla relationships there will always be negotiation about whose job it is to do the dishes and whether or not to have sex when one partner has a headache. We humans relate to one another because we want to and need to, and some of that wanting and needing is governed by knowing we’ll get something of value back when we are open to giving.

What professional sex workers have going really strongly for them is that they are people who have dedicated a portion of their active and conscious lives to sexuality in its many shapes and forms. This includes: reading people; developing ways to maintain personal safety at work; learning a LOT about what turns individual people on and off; navigating negotiations so that everyone is getting what they need out of a meeting; learning (and relearning, and adjusting over time) their boundaries and advocating for them responsibly; communicating really well about things most people have a hard time talking openly about; learning how to sustain health physically, emotionally, psychologically, and energetically in an industry which regularly causes the stimulation, draining, and potential triggering of each of these things; tuning into self-worth and personal values, and advocating terms surrounding these things for sustainability… Practice absolutely does make perfect, and when someone has a hard time finding the sexual/sensual situation of their fantasies, sex workers understand how to make those things happen for you! It’s literally our job to, if we take the job.

Most sex workers I know are personable, pretty non-judgmental (at least with sexuality related issues), interesting, intelligent, resilient-as-fuck, and care both about their clients and about paying their rent and feeding themselves and their families. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these things. Therapists, Doctors, and CEOs are not told they are less valuable because they may or may not really emotionally “care” about their clients and employees—as long as they do a great job at what they do and keep those people relatively happy. So true with sex workers. Am I going to fall in love with a client and start a primary relationship with them? No, probably not (though this is not unheard of in all of history). However, I will say that I care deeply for my regulars, and I share my life with them, as they share theirs with me. We are, after all, engaged in a relationship regardless of whether money is involved or not—and if you think hard enough about it, money is involved in almost every single ongoing relationship. Sex workers simply tend to be better-than-average at navigating emotional boundaries resulting from sensual connections. Here I point to necessity, professionalism, and the ongoing practice of connection and detachment as reason for this developed muscle group. It stands to obvious reason.

Do I know sex workers who are angry, impatient, and/or not that great at what they do? Of course I do. As in every industry, consensual-and-survival sex work is made up of a variety of workers, and workers are people, and people come in a wide range of personalities and diverse backgrounds. What I’ve mostly observed is that people who don’t really enjoy some aspect of sex work, won’t last long doing it (again, I would point out this is the norm in every industry). People who moonlight doing sex work get out of the game when it becomes “work”, or they struggle to find clients that pander to their own fantasies of what sex work should be like. Sex work is very much work, and it is complicated. To paint the canvas of sex work with one color so you don’t have to actually look at any details within it, or to sweep the pieces of sex work that you don’t understand under the rug (out of sight, out of mind), is not only potentially cutting one’s nose off to spite their face, but harmful to the workers—the people—who are endeavoring to make a living in a society stacked against them.

Have you noticed that the group of people who are involved in sex work as providers are almost all women, queer people, trans people, people of color, disabled people, and immigrants? Have you noticed that most clients of sex workers are men and frequently white? These are important facts to look squarely in the face when you decide it’s acceptable to degrade sex workers as lesser than for getting your own particular sexual/sensual needs met. It is no marginalized person’s job to feed your fantasies, and if you can’t find someone who’s not a sex worker to play with, I have a hard time finding a reason you wouldn’t hire a professional in order to get the job done safely, energetically, and with an eye toward your specific desires—especially if you’re only looking for a one-time thing, NSA, or ongoing FWB that won’t develop past your own emotional or committal limitations.

If you decide to hire someone for their time and skills to help you experience a fantasy/urge/desire/need, it’s important for you to vet your provider. If you care, as a client, about how your connection with your provider goes, then do your research when you seek the services of a sex worker. You are definitely being vetted yourself, in some manner. Sex workers who don’t offer what you’re looking for, or who don’t feel you’d be a good match for them will sometimes give you a referral for someone they think will be a better match, or they’ll generally politely decline an appointment with you. Sex workers are not available to do all things for all people all the time. That would make them robots, and sex worker people are not robots (unless they’re roleplaying one for you).

Nowhere else in personal or business worlds (that I can think of outside outright bigotry) do we so bitterly eschew potential happiness in favor of lesser skill, “settling”, or simply going without. For example: if I can’t find someone to make me vegan cookies, you’d better bet I’m heading out to a bakery. I probably have a favorite bakery or two as well, because I’m picky and know what I like in a cookie. While looking for cookies, I take the time to discover whether the bakery I’ve been told about actually makes vegan options, and whether their cookie flavors are ones I enjoy. I don’t bother visiting the bakeries I know won’t cater to my needs, nor do I plead for those bakeries to start baking vegan cookies simply for me—though I might request to see if they’re into the idea. In no way do I believe all bakeries owe me vegan cookies baked in my three favorite flavors—that’s insanity. This is true in all commerce and in all industries, everywhere. Hence our entire capitalist system.

It’s important to do a little research to make sure you’re getting what you ask for. It’s important to care about whether the boss is abusing their workers (if you’re not hiring someone who works independently). It’s important to pay attention to the needs of the providers you approach. If you’re going to be a client, be a good one. It will work out better for all parties in the end, I can guarantee it.

Those of us who are good at some aspect of sex work and venture to make a living from it deserve to be paid for our skills, our time, our considerations of our clients, and our constantly evolving expertise. You, the client, reap those rewards. This shouldn’t be a novel concept just because we’re speaking of sensuality and sexuality. I challenge you to consider what shame, what repression, what judgement, even what bigotry you your self are holding onto the next time you feel the need to put down and degrade those who are making their way in the world utilizing sex work as a chosen profession.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me pay rent: join Patreon, offer Support or email me directly. Thank you

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Survival for Queers Depends on Cis Education Even as Queerness Uplifts All Society

July 7, 2019 by
My performance as “Sirius Black’ caused waves of discomfort and inspiration…

The concept titled is not a complex thought, however it’s a perspective not spoken of enough within cishet-normative and queer cultures. I’ve been thinking lately about the tension between who I am, who I want to be, how I’ve been told to exist, and what space is left over in which I not only survive, but thrive. Obviously everyone journeys through life figuring out how much social influence feels ok to them, and in what ways they must press into previously unknown discomforts in order to be the person they want to be/feel they are authentically inside. This struggle is not limited to queers and marginalized people, but it does exponentially speak to those experiences, and vastly complicates the mechanisms for survival within society for those people. Ultimately, better understanding the struggles of other people is inherently tied to an ability to thrive for every individual.

Last month was PRIDE, and as usual people started talking about whether or not kinky people should be included under that celebrated queer banner. I wrote my response here. If it isn’t obvious from my blog, career, and openness concerning my identities, I believe “kinky” is absolutely and on no uncertain terms a sexual orientation for a many people—myself included. Kinky play can also be considered a spicy activity, just as sexually experimenting with same sex individuals, cheating or playing at opening a relationship to some degree, or performative crossdressing might be considered experimental behaviors for people who are not interested in embracing LGBT or non-monogamous identities.

As I consider my experience of being actively (as opposed to casually or experimentally) kinky, I would be remiss not to point out how navigating kinkiness is intricately tied to cishet normative patriarchal expectations. In a clear example of how cishet patriarchal values make their way into kink culture as a persistant “norm”, let’s look at how one even locates compatible play partners. I’ll start by saying this though: my experience of kinky people is that they are individually much more versatile when it comes to the Kinsey scale of acceptable play partners than those who identify as vanilla. However, searching through Fetlife groups to find partners who value various types of queerness can be maddening. Example: for every 50 or so groups designed to bring Male Doms and female subs together (cishet normative and centering), there are might be 25 groups offering a home to Femme Doms and their male subs (also cishet centric at face value, though not normative and maybe slightly more inclusive as these groups will often utilize the term “femme” inclusively), after that one will find a scant few generally unpopular groups specifically designed for lesbian, gay, or gender nonconforming D/s kinksters, which are usually welcoming of cishet allies. By the numbers I’m still much more likely to find a local match combing through groups which cater to the dominant paradigm—even though I also encounter a higher (and often much more hurtful) level of rejection and bigoted responses from within their ranks. Many cishet kinky people who are open to LGBTQIA partners are still more likely to join the larger groups reflecting only the values of dominant culture, than they are to seek out smaller queer-defined inclusive ones. Unless a cishet person is a fetishist specifically looking for that version of queer, or a “chaser”*, or a committed ally, the easiest and most populated groups to find are those which reflect the values of our society’s dominant paradigm. In the end even groups which form in order to create space for marginalized people often end up limited in real life opportunities for connection.

[*Here I will note that unfortunately even with some fetishists and chasers one risks contending with objectification as a member of the marginalized group, rather than finding a connection formed from a desire for meaningful allyship (not always, but this is common).]

Being out about my kinky and queer identities does not allow me to cut out of my life people who hold bigoted views against me, which is largely not the case with bigots who would do so. Vanilla people and those who successfully closet themselves or hide their kinky orientation and activities, maintain privileges I cannot. A good example of this is trying to get a job. My presence on the internet as a kinky queer person and as a sex worker (not to mention female and visibly trans) automatically disqualifies me from a huge percentage of work opportunities offered by individuals and corporate entities who do not understand or value, and who may actively hold bigoted views against these parts of me. My identities, experiences, and history hold no meaningful bearing on my ability to do any of the work I would be applying for, yet the boss who knows who I am outside the realm of the office has the power and opportunity to withhold their proximal privilege from me. If I was a disabled or non-white person the number of people able to look past my identities and see value in my potential for work would fall off even more sharply. This is the reality of all queerness, all marginalization.

Majority culture setting default social values is problematic insomuch as it actively limits and tries to legislate all who are not “like” and in its comprehensive reward system for those who are. These problems compound as they train all people to repress their own questioning and offset desires in order to “pass” or “succeed” as they develop and grow. In a word: repression. The individual journey of each cishet person to understand, accept, and value diversity, coupled with active work to dismantle damaging community-wide preferences is antidote to the oppression of all, especially “other”. Therefore it is largely up to majority identified people to create a world which invites all people to coexist and profit equally. As such, it is the work of marginalized people to educate and to protest. That is all we have in the end at our behest.

Why would a profitable imbalance be rectified through the actions of those profiting? Cishet people may not consciously know that they need people who are not like them (just as white people may not clearly understand their need for people of color), however they deeply and primally do in order to be more whole. Cishet people need queers of all stripes not only because we’re fabulous and bring color and joy to the world, but because we understand at a primal level a lot of issues and subtleties about the workings of society they probably haven’t spent the time to examine or articulate for themselves. Those disparities when understood fully offer a more comprehensive world for everyone, leading to each person’s opportunity to experience and hold more options within their own lives.

Alternately, the queers and I need cishet people because, well: paycheck, food, shelter, healthcare, social services, and not dying. I’m talking about primary resources for staying alive, as those things are largely owned and dispensed by the dominant group vs. more subtle opportunities for joy, self-actualization, emotional growth, increased empathy, and an individual’s more expansive core sense of peace and harmony within the world. We all have work to do. Queer people, women, people of color, disabled people, immigrants, etc. hold information (complex knowledge and experiences) which can uplift, educate, and expand options for everyone. Those who have not done the work to find these things within themselves have usually not done so exactly because they have not needed to in order to survive.

When I mention that the usefulness of cishet people is a paycheck, what I mean is not only the obvious, but also comprehensive. Taken literally I’m saying cishet people (and exponentially men who are also white) take home the most disposable income. Those are the people, as a sex worker, artist, and entertainer (jobs I’m able to navigate relatively successfully without asking patriarchally approved employers to accept my resume and very “out” online footprint), from whom my income is mainly derived. I absolutely need cishet and questioning (especially white and often male) people to value and be accepting of trans masculine-ish nonbinary (aka not traditionally femme presenting) queer females in order to make meaningful income. By the numbers this is absolutely true. The more people there are in dominant culture who understand, accept, and become interested in my specific minority categories, the more business opportunities come my way and the opportunity for my very survival increases drastically.

Invisibility = Death.

Visibility within a hostile and bigoted society = Death.

Visibility, understanding, and acceptance = an opportunity to not only survive but also and equally to thrive.

Minorities serve to expand consciousness and advocate the gifts of diversity, whether that minority group is visible within dominant culture or as a subset of a minority culture. There will always be differences between individuals in any community, yet within those differences are opportunities to continue questioning ourselves and grow stronger, more to the light of who we are and who we wish to be. We are all in this together.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me pay rent: join Patreon, offer Support or email me directly. Thank you

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Who’s Allowed at Pride

June 1, 2019 by

Evil is the belief that exploring one’s identity should be relegated only to the select few privileged to be deemed “enough”. This stance is built on an underlying belief in purity, coupled with a binary perspective which does not exist in the spectrum-rich genius of nature.

We are not pure. We human beings are emergent messes/masses of opportunity, and as a race we thirst for education, for knowledge, and to know our place in this chaotic period of time we call life. We also yearn to know the peace and joy existent in our own bodies regardless of boundaries or lines constructed specifically to grant access, and certainly even moreso to gain power through an ability to deny.

We are born with a right to one thing only: our bodies equipped with emotions, spirit, and mind. That we strive to do no wrong to one another is at argument with our autonomous selves at times, a struggle which every individual must walk along and learn their balance within. This imperfect and rife-with-mistakes quest is the line. The journey. The story of our individual lives.

Please come to Pride and experience openness for other walks of life, openness to your own possibility, openness with one another pointing out the similarities and differences within our collective and ritualized proximity. Far be it for my queer-ass self to tell you how to navigate your journey, discover your kinks, or shake the hand of revelation, appreciation, friendship, admiration, happiness, pleasure, or love. It won’t be easy, fun, joyful, or pretty all of the time. We are complex, and that in itself is where perfection derives.

This protest is a party meant for liberation. It is a fierce cry to the patriarchy that we will not be repressed, suppressed, hidden, tortured, extinguished, killed, or denied. Those who take to the streets may not be our lovers but they are, in less distant ways than we sometimes may conceive, our friends and allies.

Bad behavior could be addressed authentically, not used as a weapon to “other” the hearts and minds of those who currently identify in a more mainstream way than we ourselves may do today. Being in whatever specific moment of our own journey we’re in and embracing whatever queerness we can within our bodies has been a journey. Admit that. Queers are referred to as “family” because we teach one another how to grow, how to love, how to better be. Believe in that family. Come to dinner. Participate.

Straight men shouldn’t be objectifying lesbians, just as gay men shouldn’t be grabbing the breasts of women and saying it’s “ok because they’re gay”. Cis women and lesbians should leave any TERF opinions they may have in the garbage at home, and bachelorettes must acknowledge the celebration surrounding them isn’t theirs to dominate. There is no yardstick measuring how tall you must be to get into Pride, merely a wish for freedom, celebration, support, visibility, and understanding. Save your velvet ropes and vitriol for harassers and bigots; those people inciting actual danger and damage; politicians signing restrictive and offensive, demoralizing, life threatening bills into law at this very moment we’re taking to the streets protesting. If you want to control a guest list, certainly have yourself a house party.

If I cannot find and cultivate my freedom despite (or as an essential truth because of) the differences surrounding me, what hope do I even have in this thing called living?

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me pay rent: join Patreon, offer Support or email me directly. Thank you

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: , , , ,
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