There is an tug of war I recognize in a lot of kink discussions I’ve read on pretty much every subject discussed: On one side we have the camp attached to protocol and the “correct” way of doing everything to the degree of historically tracing back and learning ancient techniques for cracking a singletail whip. Then there is another school of thought that argues as long as everyone is consenting and SSC or RACK in their actions, however you want to use that scalpel is just fine with them.
Now, I believe the meaning of life can be held in one word: Tension
What it might look like to find perfect tension with a play partner…
Both points of view are valid in their own ways, and each have strengths and weaknesses. We see similar arguments in every industry all the time, we’re talking about our right and left brains, our organizational world vs. our creative world. And I submit a slightly different perspective to consider:
Connection
Connection encompasses marrying these two hemispheres with perfect tension for best results.
Connection is found in a million places. It’s the smile of the girl across from you at your coffee shop, the wink that old guy throws you as you pass by on the street, connection is found in classroom arguments, office collaborations, artistic endeavors, convention parties, online long distance smut writing chapter trading… We connect to the people, animals, plants, and even inanimate objects around us constantly. In each connection there lies a dormant potential – the dreamlike opportunity to grab hold of that pleasing/exciting/memorable/attractive energy exchange and find adventure with the person who’s revved your engine – even if only for a moment… And when we start having desire for people we connect well with, relationships of one flavor or another can start out just like that.
When we are successful at grounding ourselves near another person nonverbally, after we receive their grounded and amicable response, it is customary to decide whether you’ll take it to the next step and verbally acknowledge to one another something about what could happen next. So there, just in that moment, there are all these mathematical equations, measures, angles, weights, and counter balances one employs to make sure the verbal part of their approach transitions easily from the non-verbal occasion presented. One is attentive not to approach too fast, to check in with the non-verbal signals as they reveal themselves, to create a safety net of casual conversation before detailed proposal, one looks to find common ground and interests, negotiates physical proximity which both emphasizes interest as well as respect… and so on and forward… This dance is more than a sum of it’s mathematical parts – not every measure will fit each potential partner – and it is bigger than “no rules but the basics”. It is the art and science of connecting.
There is no One Way Approach that will satisfy most of the objects you desire, but there are observable guidelines that will get you further by practicing related skills and understanding them deeply.
- You must bring you to the table first, this means you must have a relationship with that person before you can relate to others. To connect with another is not possible without first connecting with and being grounded in yourself.
- Breathe. All life breathes, and with breath you can more deeply feel your own body, and the one breathing next to yours.
- Talk. Find common space, desires, appreciation for one another, inspiration to do what might turn you both on, and the confidence to be truthful, transparent, and take your partner along on the journey with you.
- Know your limits! Read, read, read, and read some more. Talk to your contemporaries. Take classes. Practice the skills you wish to possess if you want to have them at your beck and call.
- Take things slowly and listen carefully. What’s the feedback you’re getting from this other body? Does it tell you to come closer? To back away? To soften up? To push further? Don’t confuse these signals with your own desires.
- Check in both verbally and non-verbally. Take responsibility for both your actions and non-actions – all of them. Even when you don’t feel you should have to. Advocate for yourself, but also for your partner as well. You are in this together, so act like a team and love one another’s flesh, reactions, sounds, smells, gifts…
- Connect first and relax. The scene will unfold as cleanly, archaically, protocol heavily, messily, inspirationally, beautifully, and sometimes ridiculously as it should when you’re both there together.
- Be here now. If find you are not, take immediate pause, and start over at the beginning when you have found grounding in yourself again. Square one is not such a bad place to be if you ask me – it sure as hell beats getting the deed done at the risk of trigger activation, violation, or boredom with an encounter or a person you thought you had better potential with…
Play well with one another, My Friends.
To Breath and Being,
~ Karin
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~Thank you.
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