Hero Time: Dossie Easton

May 14, 2014 by

A friend of mine recently shared a link to an interview with Dossie Easton with me.  I’ve mentioned her before on this blogsite, she’s one of the co-writers of “The Ethical Slut”, “The New Bottoming Book”, “The New Topping Book”, and a few other titles I love and cherish as the sex geek booklover I am.  Over a decade ago it was The Ethical Slut’s language around behavior, desire, and organizational rules around ethical loving that got me really thinking about what I wanted in my own relationships, and allowed me the freedom to keep my mind and heart open to even the scariest adventures I’ve been on since.

Dossie talks about words and how language changes our perceptions of ourselves as well as of what’s possible, about relationships and how important it is to respect all the configurations of family making, she touches on a history of the publishing company Greenery Press, and I learned a lot from the article I didn’t already know.  She’s lived a remarkable life and many of her viewpoints are ones that have resonated with me throughout my entire adult life.

So, today I invite you to take a look too.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and I hope it inspires you to even a fraction of the amount it has me:  Wag’s Review: Dossie Easton

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

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Readers Write: Coming Out… Normal

May 7, 2014 by

I LOVE coming out stories.  They are so personal.  There is something about them I find compelling – in coming out stories the wheels are always turning, something is being figured out or accepted.  People are caught in a moment of turning their brains over and over to find the right perspective with which to claim: Yes!  Me!

So thank you to this next write, a reader of the column, who had some really wonderful words to share with me.  I value your voice, and am honored to publish!  I hope this makes your day too, Other Readers, and please feel free to follow suit and contact me with your own writings, POVs, experiences, thoughts, and ideas.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

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Photo by Jacobo Canady

Not a photo of the writer.  Photo by Jacobo Canady

I’m still a bit new to actually practicing any kind of kink (having finally found a more-than-willing-partner), but I wanted to share my story, as it’s something I’ve been thinking about with interest lately.

It simply never occurred to me that kink was unusual. I entered the fantasy/sci-fi/alternative convention scene (with friends, not parents) at the sexual awakening age of 13. People with collars and scratch marks, workshops on proper rope bondage and healthy dom/sub relationships – these things were, while we laughed at them and the blatant sexuality, completely normal. My best friend made jokes about it, didn’t quite understand it, but I was curious.

When I was 16, a few of us traveled south to work a convention. The only eighteen year old in the group (a known kinkster) quickly made friends and disappeared, to play parties and mysterious secrets, returning later with odd marks and fun stories. Again my best friend teased him, but I was fascinated. Too young to attend the parties with him, I marveled the beautiful folks with their red cuts and leather. On the drive home, my friends kneaded my arm with their sharp nails as a joke – and it felt *amazing*.

And finally, years later, I found a boy, at the same convention that opened all these doors to me. We had many good, thorough conversations on our preferences and wishes. Now I am bound and cut up on a regular basis (sometimes for photoshoots!), and it is just as wonderful as I hoped.

I’ve never had to deal with any feelings of ‘this is wrong, I shouldn’t want this, who the hell gets off by being hurt’. It astounded me, at first, to hear people talking about that. If you like it, why should it be wrong? I feel so lucky to have grown up in an environment where all bodies and sensations are loved and valued. I do sometimes worry that I’ll find a partner someday won’t want to bite me until I’m gasping, or run a blade across my neck, and I won’t be able to enjoy it. But I think it will be okay. And I’m excited to return to the convention where I first discovered play parties, for the first time since really figuring myself out…

-Bri

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If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

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On Being Selfish

April 30, 2014 by
Photo by Becca A. Lewis

Photo by Becca A. Lewis

I was telling my partner what felt good to me while being asked to do something.  After hearing me out, my partner asked what the difference between these four asks was:

I think you should paint your toes.

I really like seeing your toes painted, and it’s been a while.

I really like seeing your toes painted and it’s been a while.  Will you paint them?

I really like seeing your toes painted and it’s been a while.  Will you paint them for me?

Below is a short explanation of what I had to say.  Please keep in mind that this is my response and you are completely within your right to adamantly disagree with everything I have to say, and your relationships do not have to end up looking anything like mine, so long as we all find our bliss somewhere.

“I think you should paint your toes.” A command.  It is not necessary in a command to find connection with me when letting me know what is desired.  I will most likely feel a little confused or panicked (my baggage, not yours) about why he wants this, what it means, whether or not I can engage a discussion about it, etc.  This is not my favorite way to be asked for anything; in fact I find it emotionally and pleasurably distancing.  Someday I may not find it abrasive, or I may desire to feel that way – there will be a lot of trust-water under the bridge when that day comes.

“I really like seeing your toes painted, and it’s been a while.”  This is not a question.  My partner is passively topping, and I really like to be asked questions.  It just feels respectful.  I am likely to feel annoyed that he isn’t actually asking me for anything, yet seemingly expects me to give him what he’s mentioned.  This does not feel like a partnership proposition to me, nor a D/s engagement, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to get out of it when I’m not even being asked.

“I really like seeing your toes painted and it’s been a while.  Will you paint them?”  Now we’re starting to get somewhere.  Technically there is nothing whatsoever wrong with this question.  For me though, I still do not know what I am supposed to get out of it.  I like doing things for my partner, that is a major motivation for me.  This question feels like an upkeep request rather than a connected and loving desire I can fulfill.

“I really like seeing your toes painted and it’s been a while.  Will you paint them for me?”  Ahh, yes!!!  This one fits like a glove.  I am being told that I am appreciated, that my partner likes something about the way I look and desires to see me look that way, and I am being asked to do it for him.  For some reason those two tiny little words make all the difference to me.  All of a sudden I find myself smiling and actually desiring to say yes.  I feel giddy from the request, and I think giddiness is one of the major reasons I signed on to D/s in the first place.

After hearing all this he said he understood and wanted to make me feel that way, but he had a hard time phrasing questions in terms of “for him”.  It was scary and it made him feel selfish.  “But Doms are supposed to be selfish”, I said with a grin.  In reality what I meant is that I enjoy making my partner happy, and to do that I need my partners to be just selfish enough to tell me exactly what makes them happy.  I pointed out that s-types (read that term as you like: submissives, bottoms, slaves, or whichever label you most enjoy) are supposed to be selfish too – I feel completely selfish when my back is being bitten from top to bottom (one of my favorite activities), and I just lie back passively and take it with complete and utter bliss.  I know that my partner likes what they’re doing, and I know my partner likes my true response to the moment, so why would I rob my partner of their pleasure by being one ounce less than selfish in that scenario?

Perhaps this is one of the greatest reasons I’ve discovered to date to have a D/s dynamic – to have it written into the rules that it is ok to ask your partner for the things you most desire, and to know that they wouldn’t be in the relationship if they weren’t open to (at the very least) just that.

PS:  It’s pretty damn selfish for me to have asked to be spoken to in certain ways anyhow, I think 😉

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

Filed Under: Perspectives on Kink Blog Tagged With: , , , ,
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