Parsing the information of emotions from how emotions feel…
Yesterday morning I was listening to WBUR and the anchor introduced reporter Tamara Keith. She then transitioned into the interview by asking “Tam” a question. “Interesting”, I thought. I wondered if this was an example of familiarity between friends which slipped out in a professional environment? I wonder if it bothers Tamara to be called that on air? I reflected on whether or not it was a branding choice, “Tam” seeming more like an approachable, light and easy person to discuss complex subjects with? I mused over whether if some reporter named “Robert” was called “Bob” during a story, would there would be hell to pay? Was this nickname permissible on air because Tamara was younger than other reporters, or was this person being called Tam as a test to see how it was handled? I wondered if it was an indication of our culture showing less respect to female reporters?… Most of these particular questions probably came to me because of my own struggles within office workplaces as a younger female (in other words, my perspective is more about me than the subject of my intrigue—an important note).
After that moment of musing, my queries passed and I listened to the rest of the news story. When the story wrapped though, it happened again—”Tamara Keith” was introduced to us, the listening audience, and then “Tam” was personally thanked for the interview. This time around I wondered if Tam was maybe trans? Had the reporter known as Tamara started asking people to speak with her/them/him on air as “Tam”, as a way to established familiarity for the audience so it might be easier to transition into an introduction of “Tam Keith” one day? [Note: I know no personal details or information about Tamara Keith, and have not looked up any answers to these questions. This specific story is not what my article is about.]
Why am I writing about the random questioning process I went through, and the stories I’ve (obviously) made up about a situation I know nothing about (and which doesn’t really concern me)? I guess the first point I need to make is that when I noticed the juxtaposition of names on the radio, I had a feeling. That feeling could have been responded to by me being annoyed or pissed off or by getting righteous or judgemental… By asking questions though, I took the time to gather a level of information before responding. With no first hand knowledge or other research on the subject, I found myself speculating, and I let my speculations go. The information I gathered was about the nature of my own questions and assumptions, not meaningful answers about the situation. Without meaningful information answering my questions there was no response to be had.
Practicing the behavior of questioning distanced me from immediate reaction or an unjustified action—I could have assumed WBUR didn’t care about gender or people’s preferred names. That space I created though, between noticing something which seemed out of place and then acting on it, allows me to wonder instead of react. Simply put, I’m giving myself a chance to understand the situation from multiple points of perspective rather than running with the assumption I feel the most clearly. Chances are that the feeling I’m having most clearly is more about me than it is about the situation I’m questioning.
My mother used to say, “Feelings are feelings. Feelings aren’t the truth”. Of course saying this in the midst of my hot and passionate, youthful and viscerally felt emotional outbursts, I did nothing but protest! My feelings certainly felt like the truth—the only possible truth! AND DON’T YOU WANT ME TO NAME MY TRUTH?!?!!! … In time though, with maturity (surviving adolescence helped a great deal), and the gathering of new experiences and perspectives in my life, I began to understand that what she was saying wasn’t, “You’re a drama queen who needs to stop acting on your emotions because you’re wrong”, but, “Feelings are a natural part of reacting to a situation and processing it; feelings contain really important information, however they aren’t the final answer you’re probably looking for concerning how to behave or address the situation at hand”.
In short, feelings are information. Feelings often preempt and fuel reactionary behavior. Reactionary behaviors have a wide variety of consequences and responses depending on how appropriate or destructive they are to the people receiving them. If I look at feelings as information, I can mine them for potential answers. I begin to develop a practice of slowing down and examining what my feelings are telling me, rather than how I feel about what I’m being told. Slowing down, creating space around a thing that pricks me emotionally, and figuring out what that emotion is “about” for me, is a process which has taught me a lot about what I need, want, am capable of, and even how to hear other people and their differing perspectives better. I become invested in my own mechanism of meaning making, rather than subject to kneejerk responses.
In the shower this morning I was thinking about my failings and learning curve. I’m still learning how to evolve from where I’ve been to where I would like to be. Lately, for instance, I noticed I care more about people calling me “Creature” instead of “Karin”, and using they/them pronouns. It’s more tiring and I find it more jarring when people refer to me now as they have in the past. What grace I have for other people’s learning curves is dwindling when it concerns those topics.
I find it funny that for an entire lifetime before coming out as a genderfluid/nonbinary trans person, I often joked, “I’ve never been a lady and I’m not going to start now”, when servers would flash by my table with a, “Ladies, can I get you anything?”. When I found myself down South for a couple years the use of that word, lady, was sooooo pervasive I fell out of practice with this line. It felt rude, more dangerous, or like I was battling a deep tradition I didn’t want to push against so constantly. It probably also felt more personal, as that was the period of my life where I was coming to terms with my own gender more deeply and articulately.
Sometimes we need examples to figure out how to advocate for ourselves calmly, instead of through the use of vitriol, exhausted shortness, thick judgement, or anger. A friend of mine recently advocated for our genderqueer table at a restaurant when we were “lady’d”. My friend asked the server if he’d heard of they/them pronouns, and explained that only one of the people at the table uses female pronouns so if he wanted to refer to us as a group, using gender neutral terms would be the most appropriate and respectful way to do that. The server listened and asked questions, it turned out to be a nice experience which loosening the tension most of us felt while being referred to outside of our identities. Instead of feeling bad and then scared about speaking up, I was shown a way to ask for what I want and educate, if need be, to a positive end.
Back to my learning curve. When I talk to anyone “official” over the phone, I’ve held back from asking them to use the name “Creature” or telling them it really bothers me to be referred to as “miss” or other feminine titles. I’ve stifled myself mostly because of fear—not wanting a negative response, or to deal with the person doubling down on misgendering me from spite or bigotry, or for something even more important to be held against me as a result of my asking to be addressed as I prefer. After being given an example of what it could look like to carve that space for myself out, I decided to get better at self advocacy.
So, ungracefully, in the middle of phone calls I started blurting out, “Don’t call me miss, I don’t use female pronouns”. I’m sure I had an agitated voice and spoke rather harshly. I didn’t like the way it felt, and I didn’t like the result (which was usually some sort of “whatever” response and dismissal of what I was asking). After a few botched tries though, I managed to create that space inside of myself. I was eventually able to pause in the conversation and bring the subject of pronouns up, and my preferred name. I was able to calmly, and in a sharing manner interrupt the conversation to say, “So you’re aware, I don’t use female pronouns, and do not enjoy being called lady or miss. You can call me Creature though, as that’s the name I use. If you need to use pronouns, I prefer they/them”.
Most of the time when I’ve been able to approach the subject this way, I’ve been apologized to and thanked for the information. One time though I very clearly shook the person I was speaking to and their own reaction was fascinating for me to observe. Their voice faltered and they mentioned they had to use the name that was in their system, they then quickly said that they didn’t want to get anything wrong, and would I please be kind if they made a mistake? They sounded small, and like they cared, and also afraid… So I can see that fear works both ways. When we both slowed down and spoke from a place of understanding our own emotional worlds, we became better at hearing each other and advocating for ourselves.
I know I’m defensive and angry and bothered and a whole host of other difficult emotions to work through at times. Sometimes what those feelings are telling me is that I’m not asking for what I need, so I’m not getting what I need, which is why I’m feeling angry or disrespected. Sometimes an upsurge of anger is telling me to get far away from a person or situation because their behavior is indicating I’m not safe. Sometimes I’m just in a bad mood and every little thing feels overwhelming, in which case I check in with myself to make sure I’ve eaten, drunk enough water, had enough sleep, and assess whether I’m coming down with something (unless the reason for my bad mood is clearly evident already, in which case I probably know what steps I need to take to fix it). The point is that not every nail needs to be pounded with a hammer. I’ve diversified my skills.
I love that I get to feel a whole range of feelings alongside the joyful and pleasurable ones. Each emotion helps me understand myself and interact with other people more efficiently. Feeling is a huge part of the information I need to function in society alongside masses of different people living different lives and making different meanings than I. Feeling helps me understand how to be happily autonomous, yet not an island.
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
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