Photo by Becca A. Lewis

I am lying here next to my cat, collared while my partner, my M, my Sir cooks dinner for us.  I’ll take a break momentarily to make us tea.  It’s been a rough road to this moment, and one I’m grateful for taking.

I read an article once where an old woman who’d been with her partner for 60+ years said, when asked how her relationship had lasted so long, “in my generation you were taught that when something was broken, it was your job to figure out how to fix it”.

I am being poured a glass of shrub to drink in my favorite scotch glass.  We made three together yesterday.  If I’m lucky it will be the chocolate/fresh fennel one.  That one came out beautifully.  Sometimes I think about what I want my future with this partner to be and I think of making fresh shrubs and delicious food and hosting parties for friends who feed us with their thoughts and loving.  I want to make home somewhere, I want to raise children like I have raised ideas over the years.  I want to be a success, grow beautiful plants, and move to Paris.  For now figuring out how to buy a van to go on a nine month national tour and packing up my home seems like enough…  I wonder where we’ll end up.

Shrubs are fresh fruit muddled with sugar, strained, and added to vinegar.  You can dilute them, use them as mixers, drink them straight…  I think the trick is to add vinegar to taste rather than the recipe’s specification.  Without a bite what’s the point, but with too much you lose the beauty of the mixture, the movement of the animal, the drink’s life force.  We’ve been fighting a lot lately.  Fearful crying, feeling badly around one another.  Carrying the heaviness of dark clouds without relief for too long.

I was in a movie where I played a chainsaw-toting demon maiden from Hell.  There were four of us, I was the rough/bisexual/dykey one and I got to kiss a girl in the end.  My partner showed up on the last day of shoot to perform in the final scene’s frathouse party rock band.  It was beautiful to be shooting my kiss over and over while he was in the next room.  It felt homey and I was free.

Sex has been drying up lately, but we decided that even though it is the scariest thing in the world to extend yourself to a loved one when times are rough, it’s important to show one another that you love each other…  This morning orgasms were the only gift we could give to one another, to ourselves, and to the relationship.  They were needed.  Neither of us could figure out how to start.  But we did…

It is impossible not to breathe while you masturbate, and if you’re doing it next to a loved one, impossible not to relax and let go just a little.  The decision to share our orgasms with one another (even orgasms we were not feeling inspired to have) led to sex that was beautiful.  It led to a deepening of touch, a desire to connect, and connection itself.

There is still work to do, but we’ve found ourselves back on the same team, loving one another tenderly and unguardedly again.  I will remember this day when next the clouds begin to rain.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

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~Thank you.

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