A is for ANAL SEX

September 19, 2014 by

Ultimate Anal Women CoverThis morning I was PM’d by a friend, and I gotta say her questions led to one of the best breakfast chats I’ve had in a while.  Here’s how it all went, and I’ll get a little more into the guts of my answers for you now that I’ve had more time to think and find references.  Everyone wins today!

Friend:  hey girl, two questions if/when you’re free…  can you recommend a good lube for anal penetration, as well as a good double penetration strap-on harness?
Me:  Ooh!  Let’s break this down (rubs hands together and starts typing furiously)…

Lube:  A lot of my friends love just plain ‘ol coconut oil (the kind in the jar that is solid at room temp) – I vote organic, and make sure there’s no other ingredients added to the stuff.  I have enjoyed silicone lube too a thicker one will be best.  You’re looking for viscousness, as the anus does not self lubricate it needs a lubricant that can stand up to friction and stay in place longer.  Thicker is generally better for anal.  There are a lot of lubes on the market specifically created with anal sex in mind, so ask your friendly sex store employee for their best recommendation too.

Toy and Barrier Considerations:  Remember that you can’t use silicone lube with silicone toys as the additive that keeps the lube in its liquid form will deteriorate the silicone in your toy over time.  No one wants that.  Coconut oil will work great with silicone, plastic, metal, glass, etc, but it should not be used with rubber latex – no oil products should mix with your rubber latex condoms, gloves, or other barriers.  Here’s where I recommend polyurethane condoms though!  In fact you can use any type of lube with these non-latex wonders, and they won’t irritate your partner with the latex sensitivity either.  Consider keeping some on hand (these are the type I use and swear by).

As for penetration toys, there are a lot of differently designed double-sided dildos out there that are meant to simultaneously pleasure the penetrator.  Some might work with a harness, though many won’t very well depending on your position, how they’re angled, and your individual anatomy.

In another configuration of the double penetration game, if you’re looking for a harness that will add a member onto your already-penis-wielding partner, or you’re looking to fix more than one toy to your body at a time, you can find harness designs out there that will work out.

Consider toys that are specifically designed for double penetration with harness use!  Also butt plugs… I’ll have to write more about toys in another blog – so many options!

Harnesses:  These are pretty varied in function, look, and design.  The journey of finding the perfect harness is a personal one that takes into account your needs for aesthetic, body type functionality, and usage compatibility.  I’d say it’s best to go to a store like Good Vibrations, Self Serve Toys, or another independent, sex positive, and educationally committed store for best results picking one out.  Look at their harness selection to see which ones you like best and can imaging wearing and being comfortable in.  Also think about which styles might be most compatible for the specific uses you have in mind.  In stores like these absolutely ask the staff what they think of each harness.  They’ll know the pros and cons of each and might point out an idea or issue you hadn’t considered.  I’ve found design flaws with harnesses over the years in pretty much every style that’s out there.  Some of those problems I can handle, and some annoy the crap out of me.  We’ll probably have different complaints, and different solutions will work for everyone.  Your harness should last you a long long time so it’s a good idea to take the time and do your research before purchasing.  Also consider this: thigh harnesses!

Friend:  also, one more thing:  is there a way to make anal sex pleasurable for women?  I’ve only had bad experiences.

Anal sex should be pleasurable:  Yes!  But it takes some amount of time and relaxation when you’re not quite comfortable with the idea or experienced (sometimes a LOT of time and relaxation).  Here’s some tips:

  • Start small (think pinky finger)
  • Go slow
  • Let the bottom be in control – as in it’s better to back onto an insertable than it is to be filled at someone else’s speed
  • LOTS ‘O LUBE
  • Read: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex For Women
  • Fingers are great starter toys because they’re connected to your brain and an inanimate object is not.  Fingers will more quickly register and be sensitive to any reaction or subtle movement during play, and that connection can help you troubleshoot what might feel better more immediately
  • HAVE FUN!
  • Be REALLY turned on and WANT IT.  The more turned on you are the better you’ll feel about what you’re doing
  • LOTS ‘O LUBE
  • Talk about your feelings with your partner(s) a whole bunch before playing so they have the opportunity to be sensitive to your reactions during play and know more about what your verbal or non-verbal cues might mean
  • Be verbal if you can – no pressure to be super sexy in your speech, but experiment and have fun and let your partner know what’s working, what you like, don’t like, would like more of, or try next
  • Be a scientist when you start out.  Try to stay present with what’s going on and observe yourself and your partner as you go along
  • Read: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men
  • Things like rimming, anal massage, and a lot of foreplay around your anal area are really great methods to help you more fully enjoy the penetrative act (should penetration be your goal to begin with).  I find rimming and anal massage to be wholly wonderful on their own too
  • Relaxation is key.  The moment you tense up is the moment you should slooooowwwwww dooowwwnnnnn again
  • Some people are afraid of the potential mess that could happen from anal play, and that hangup can make it hard to stay present during the act.  Think about and acknowledge how the subject plays into your feelings, and let your partners know.  Allow yourself to be prepared if this is something that concerns you:
    • You can take a shower beforehand
    • Have condoms, gloves, extra sheets or towels, etc available if that makes you feel safer and happier while playing
    • There’s nothing wrong with getting up in the middle of play and washing your hands, toys, or other body parts in preparation for the next part of play
    • And if this is not something that concerns you, great!

hmmm… anything else?  That’s most of what I’ve got off the top of my head…

You still there, or have you started playing yet?…

Bueller?

End chat I guess…

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor: Do you have a story or perspective to share about kink or would you like to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!

 

 

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C is for COMMUNITY

September 12, 2014 by
Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

“Playing Well with Others” by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

My partner had a dream last night about sharing a home with other kinky people.  It’s an interesting dream because the apartment I just left was a place intentionally created for kinky roommates who agreed to kink-open house rules and the expectation of freedom of sexual expression amongst its co-habitators.  At first my partner thought my home was a bit out there, and when we’ve talked about where we would end up after our current 9 month tour his preference has been to live together without roommates.  My preference is in favor of community and the presence of others in my living space…  But nine months will tell where we end up, and with or without whom.

In his dream he was resistant to the roommates we were living with, but by the end of the dream and upon waking he realized he wanted other people who are kinky to be around him, in fact he’s missed it since we’ve been on the road.  Community, support, a sense of normalcy around others within the home and his daily routine is apparently something he’s grown accustomed to.

When we have no mirrors how do we see ourselves?

A small percentage of the population identifies as GLBT, a small percentage of our society identifies as Kinky.  “The norm”, reflected in the stories we see play before our eyes daily are largely not queer and kinky stories.  On the street, in your TV, around popular social platforms it is hard to find your kinky or queer self reflected back in the mix.  People often run their lives as if the “normal/popular/status quo” ideals are more important to adhere to than who they know themselves or fear themselves to be beneath what reads as socially passing.

I recently came across this article:  Growing Up Poor with Three Parents.  I think it’s quite brilliant in its reminder that where there is a creative spark and a will there is a way – and in my experience those creative sparks have brought me much more than “a way” in my times of need, they have been my saving grace and have sometimes been the next purpose and journey my life takes on…  Please do give it a read.

In a society aimed at making people adhere to cookie cutter life choices for the expanded realization of corporate bottom line growth, that personal revolution – the idea that we can and should be the individual we are – is a threat of epic proportion.  Believing in yourself and your right to have your needs met respectfully and consentually is a seed in each of us that if nurtured grows to be strong and upright.  It can too easily be twisted and bent beyond natural recognition though. If our seed isn’t watered or fed enough light, it is bound in ways that change the shape if what could be, bound in ways that stunt its growth.  Sometimes our authentic selves are hidden deeply away never to develop out of fear and ignorance of what is possible in our lives.  I am not here to say what is right for any one individual, I am here to put down in words some of the merits knowing oneself intimately and within an environment of support brings not only to the individual, but to our society as well.

Myself as example, without the education I give myself on subjects I feel pulled to, I would be at the mercy of what I can buy or ask another to do for me.  Worse, I would cease to understand the possibilities inherent within the subject of my interest.  The subject would have no choice but to die on the vine of my ignorance or be bought by my wealth and packaged by another.  Without reading about kink I wouldn’t understand the feeling trapped in my gut about submission.  Without finding community and their organized educational opportunities I couldn’t have safely found some of my limits, I wouldn’t have had the resources to explore boundaries, learn meaningful trust in others, or even find people like myself to question and think with.  Education is the enemy of ignorance, and it is also the enemy of control and a the lifter of our own trap-filled and stultifying assumptions.  Finding community is about finding self and finding the support to become better, deeper, more realized, well situated, and growing individuals.

Beautiful relationships die every day because of incompatibility in the bedroom.  Plethora individuals stay in relationships that hurt their sense of self.  Our culture teaches us to think this is normal.  I pose that that is not normal, that it is repressive ideals that offer us no recourse between staying in destructive patterns or destroying all of what works in favor of what does not.  It is a mentality cued into denial of autonomy, it is a violent means of living which reaps no winners and no rewards.  In finding, accepting, and following our true selves we have creative genius on our side, we have yet un thought of options at our fingertips.  We have examination and choice.  We have a renewed ability to find meaningful coping mechanisms, we have a means of taking up space at the table that is life and standing in a place protected by those who have come before us.

Knowing who you are, who you might be, who you’d like to try on for a minute is the whispered righteous “yes” each animal of flight must whisper before spreading wings and finding triumph in the jump.

Let me be your community.  Let us touch one another’s minds, hearts, sometimes bodies with support, examination, and an eye toward education and growth.  Consider joining Fetlife or any other social networking site that makes you feel at home.  Attend munches and meet the people in your area who share your interests.  Make it out to fetish fairs, kinky cons, and other play and educationally oriented community festivals.  Learn new skills, read books, discuss your ideas, ask questions, practice.  Get a Kink Academy account and rummage around for ideas.  Contact me and talk sometime…  It’s your life, find authenticity and joy where you can.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor: Do you have a story or perspective to share about kink or would you like to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!

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P is for PAINGASM

August 22, 2014 by

Smiling Girl in Ropes

Today I am writing about a subject which I experience that doesn’t seem to have much information on the internet about it.  I am writing about the PAINGASM ~ the experience of coming to orgasm through painful stimulation.  I’ll write about my own experiences, and hopefully open up a larger discussion on the topic.  Should you have them, please tell me about experiences of your own.

When I think back and realize, “oh, maybe I’ve always been a masochist”, there are a few highlights that stand out:

  • I took classical ballet classes through my entire childhood and youth.  When we would do the “russian warm-up”, which consisted of an hour of holding squats and deep pliés and controlling long count grand battements.  It was the toughest thigh and core workout I had ever experienced.  In these classes I was elated.  To my memory I was the only student who was happy when we did this type of class warmup, and definitely the only student who would request it.  Those classes required me to breath into the pain, remain steady, and focus on my strength to get to the other side…  the other side for me was release and the feeling of powerful chi flowing all through my body for hours.
  • I get this feeling from swimming in the ocean in Maine in April or November too.  After getting out of the bitter cold water I want to walk around naked in the cold air breathing and feeling the openness in my body.  My spine seems straighter when I walk, movement is effortless, I can feel my heart beat through my entire body, and I am at peace.  When I worked on a farm I would set my alarm for 4am many mornings, steal a bike off the rack, get to the ocean, and swim naked until I was sore.  Then I would crawl unto the beach and watch the sun rise while I ate a bit of bread and cheese, and bike back in time for my 7am shift start.
  • When I got my nipples pierced I was wet for a week.  Literally.  There was no point in that healing process that I was not coming.  It felt great.  And distracting…
  • The first sex party I went to I didn’t have sex.  Instead I ended up on a bed with 10 people massaging my body, then slapping and punching it, then biting it…  I’ve always loved biting and being bitten, but this was (to that point in my life) the most intense experience I’d ever had.  I remember the pain coming in layers and me climaxing over and over again with every mouthful, wondering how I could survive another second, and being released with a shudder shaking through my whole body.
  • In a scene once I was told I had to take a pair of butterfly clamps off of my own nipples.  They had been on there a long time, and I was terrified, but clamp by clamp I hardened my resolve and tore them off.  The pain and the release and the sensitivity and then the warmth, the feeling of love, and emotion – I started to cry.  But I cried not out of pain, but out of that orgasmic connection to my insides and my self that happens sometimes when I come.
  • During a scene my top put their hand between my thighs and withdrew it wet asking, “is that the pain or is that me”?  I didn’t really know how to answer but honestly what came out was, “the pain”.
  • More than once I’ve had my orgasm stolen from me…  One time I was on a bed being bitten on the stomach, a friend was holding my hand and laying next to me.  Just as I was about to climax through the pain of the bite, she shuddered and howled.  I felt my energy leave me and move through her.  My friend, I learned that day, is a pretty sensitive sadist, so through feeling me experience that pain, as I was receiving it, she built with me and reached orgasm herself…  just like that.  It’s an incredible thing to think about.
  • The first time I was roped up in an ebi tie, I was pushed to the point of extreme fear, some pain, and terrifying numbness.  When I was released I felt all of the oxygen in the world flow through me and I laughed.  I laughed so deeply and so long that my top joined in and the two of us sat there, in the middle of a hotel room, in the middle of a fetish con, gushing with pleasure.
  • There are a million more examples I can tell, but what got me thinking of it for the blog was when recently I was receiving a really brutal massage from my partner.  Fingers and elbows were scraping muscle away from bone, boring into my most sensitive places, finding pressure points, and by degree more and more deeply moving in.  I felt it, clear as day, in my hip, that one spot.  We breathed together, the pressure getting harder with each breath, and all I could see was that one point of pain.  It had arms and legs shooting down into my thigh and knee, and shooting up into my neck and shoulder.  It was a red hot button of what I can only describe as intense pleasure, even though in truth it was a pain sensation I was receiving.  I could feel the energy build and build and build until I thought I would burst.  The same as any orgasm’s build.  Upon release of that spot I shuddered and squirmed, I flailed and laughed and breathed deeply.  Satisfied.  One with my body and my partner.

I’m interested in knowing if anyone else out there has these experiences too.  The experience goes a steps beyond liking the endorphin rush after pain play, and is on par with a full body orgasm in many cases.  The physical movement in the time leading up to release is similar, often the emotional experience is too, and the bonding/connection with my partner feels the same.  There are many many ways to like pain if you are wired to like pain, and it’s fascinating to me to really notice the differences.  I am on the “anorgasmic with partners” spectrum, meaning I extremely rarely come to orgasm by a partner toughing me if I’m not doing a certain amount of the stimulation myself.  I am thankful for this type of pain/pleasure release in my play – something someone else can illicit in me with their own touch and command.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor: Do you have a story or perspective to share about kink or would you like to promote a kinky event? Email Karin directly at: Karin @ ABCsOfKink . com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site. Don’t know what to write about? Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently. Happy writing, and thanks!

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