Visiting Mom

I am, as the title says, on a short vacation visiting Mom!  So catch me next Friday for my “K is for…” entry.  I’ll be back with downloaded brains on Monday, so don’t wait a whole week to come on back and settle in with more kinky thoughts from this performance artist’s mind.

This is not what my mom looks like, but she DOES make amazing cookies...

This is not what my mom looks like, but she DOES make amazing cookies… (Photo by Molly Z)

In the meantime you should know that my mother said to tell you she is very proud of me and reads this blog entry by entry – she hasn’t missed one yet.  I’m proud of her too, and crazy glad I come from such supportive stock.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

J is for JACK & JILLING OFF

Dearest of my dear things:  Jacking off and Jilling off, wanking it, self-pleasuring, stokin’ the furnace, mutual masturbation and of course just plain ol’ masturbation is the name of the game today, and what a game it can be!

I.  LOVE.  MASTURBATION.

The Water Dancer vibrator (a personal fav)

The Water Dancer vibrator

Why Masturbation?  Why NOT masturbation, I barbarically yawp!?  It is the practice that a good player puts in before the big game.  It is the research student’s inspiration and primary experiment.  It is the source of self, of autonomous confidence, of grounded connection within your own base structure.  Being in contact with your body and pleasure is a gift from nature that should not be squandered.  It can inform your own quality of life, and the quality of play you may share one day with others.

Here’s what masturbation is good for (an extremely partial list):

  • Orgasm
  • Edging
  • Warmth on a cold night
  • Meditation
  • Sex when you can’t be near your partner(s) of choice
  • Turning your playmates on with your very own flavor of auto-prowess
  • Pain Processing
  • Getting your heart rate up
  • Grounding yourself
  • Cure for bordom
  • Self exploration
  • Learning new techniques
  • Curing Hysteria
  • The elixir for a longer and healthier life
  • Self love helps depression
  • The hell of it

sex for oneBut God:  I’m pretty sure one of those big guys in the sky said “let there be light“.  If freeing your mind, heart and body while causing no harm to others isn’t shedding light in this life, I don’t know what is.

That said, there are some reasons not to masturbate when you want to:

  • If masturbation at that time in that place would, indeed, cause actual harm to yourself or others (physical, emotional, or psychological).  Play consensually when you touch yourself in proximity to others)
  • When masturbation is an action that you are trying to have better boundaries around (some people who are working through sexual compulsion issues might be thinking about this)
  • When there’s just not enough time and you’re setting yourself up for a frustrated post-play/pre-orgasmic energy jam…

But then again, those reasons got nothing to do with Gods, and everything to do with common sense and knowing yourself well.

Look Mom!  Hands Free!:  Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-first Century by Barbara Carrellas is a wonderful book which will help you focus during your sensual time with yourself and/or playmates.  She teaches a lot of breathing techniques, and gives exercises on how to move energy throughout your body for more intensive or intentional sexual ends.  I know people who through breathing techniques alone can achieve orgasm.  I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants more from their sexual experiences.

Reclining Semi-Nude (Masturbating) by Gustav Klimt

Reclining Semi-Nude (Masturbating) by Gustav Klimt

Masturbation and Me:  I am a late bloomer.  I didn’t start masturbating until I was nearly 21.  I had been having sex for 4 years at that point and had slept with a decent number of people and considered myself fairly educated sexually.  I had never experienced orgasm or even the ramp up to one, though I would say that I’d had great sex pretty often.  The decision to change all that happened when my partner at the time went down on me and I felt that first ramp up to orgasm.  I’d never experienced it before, and I thought at the time that that was what an orgasm was.  It occurred to me that I’d had a lot of sex, and I still didn’t know my body well enough to tell a partner what to do to make me feel good, and I didn’t know how to replicate the sensation I had received.

I thought that was pretty fucked up, so I went to Grand Opening! Sexuality Boutique (where my future self would be working the following year), bought my first vibrator, the book Sex For One: The Joy of Self Loving by Betty Dodson, had my first orgasms, broke up with my boyfriend (who was psychologically abusive, not just good with his tongue), moved to London, got my first Girlfriend, came out to myself as Bisexual…  and the rest really is history…  What I DO have to say about masturbation is that once I learned to do it successfully I never looked back.  It became a part of my partnered sex life as well as my own form of personal meditation.  All of my partners have learned to love my little Water Dancer (the one I’ve been toting around for over a decade now).  Over time I learned to have multiple orgasms, ejaculate, control the muscles of my pelvic floor to squeeze and push (fun for playmates as well as me), orgasm to get rid of menstrual cramps and headaches, and a variety of other tricks.  To date I have had one orgasm “given to me”, meaning I didn’t give the orgasm to myself, and I must say as fun and satisfying as that orgasm was, making my own and getting some help from friends is just as delicious and fulfilling when I have a connected partner by my side.  Masturbation is not just a sexual theory put into use when I’m alone, it is part, parcel, and some of the best sex I can imagine having with the people I play with.

Where to learn more:  There are some really great books on the subject like Sex for One and The big Book of Masturbation.  For people with vaginas, clitorises, and g-spots who want to focus a little more on the g-spot and ejaculation I highly recommend Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot: Not Your Mother’s Orgasm Book.  People with penises, testes, and prostates who want to learn more about separating out ejaculation from orgasm or becoming multi-orgasmic I recommend The Multi-Orgasmic Man.

And I suggest just trying things.  Fantasize!  Talk about masturbation with friends, find out what techniques they love and try out the ones you’re unfamiliar with next time you’re on your own.  Read and watch erotica, watch porn that has masturbation scenes and figure out what turns you on about them and what you might like to try.  Talk to your lovers!  Do it together and have a race to see who can get off first.  See how many times you can make your partner edge before you let them come.  Masturbate until you’re both ready and orgasm together while making out.  What have your partners noticed you like when they touch you?  Ask them what they’ve learned from past partners as well.  Talk during masturbation, let your mouth be sensual.  Touch parts of your body that are not genitalia – chest, neck, thighs, stomach, ass…  Think about the ways all of our bodies correspond and consider touching your clitoris the way you might the head of a penis, or stretch and play with your scrotum the way one might tug at the elastic skin of the inner labia…  Learn your anatomy, look at your genitalia in a mirror from new angles, carve out a few hours to touch each little bit of skin you see and consider the sensations you get from that.  Allow yourself to have questions, and then go seek some answers!

Your body is yours until it fails you, so treat it well and put love into it.  Value your sensations whether they be self-discovered or the caress/kick/lick/poke/slap of another.  Think about what your genitals’ lives are like, and take the time to honor that part of your body as you would your favorite part of someone else.  Let your body tell you want it wants, and be good to you.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

Oh, and I know no conversation about masturbation would be complete without at least a mention of the Hitachi Magic Wand…  so there you are.  Enjoy!

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If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

I is for INTERROGATION

Undercover costume complete...

Undercover Spy costume complete…

I mentioned a while back that “electricity is one of the only things that’s “broken” me (grinning as I say it)…“.  Now is the time for that particular story.  I welcome you to the wonderful world of INTERROGATION!

Seriously?!  Interrogation?:  Why yes.  Interrogation.  This word conjures up pictures of harsh lights on the suspect’s face, varied types of torture, manipulation of the accused, threats…  And those are just some of the ways you can make this desire come to life in a scene.  As you may or may not already think about, not all kink is about physical sensations.  Sometimes kinksters like to engage in the emotional or psychological realms in play, and interrogation is definitely one of the ideas I’ll talk about that moves further into emotional and psychological exploration (though it can incorporate a healthy dose of physical endurance as well).  Also, to be clear, interrogation is a more advanced subject/type of play, so please approach it with respect and a level of care that goes beyond some more straight forward endeavors you’d take on.

Ok, so what IS interrogation play?  As with most play, interrogation can be done very different ways, and to vastly different levels or ends, and for different reasons for every person participating in it.  Interrogation is a game where the Top/Interrogator is trying to get some bit of information from the bottom/interrogation subject before the scene ends, and employs all types of coercion to get it.  The information that is being chased can be anything from a person’s name, to a string of numbers, or another bit of information planted pre-scene into the subject’s consciousness, or it can be something more ‘real’ – a story or bit of real life information that the interrogator wants to have given over by their subject.  There are a lot of techniques which can be employed in the extraction of this information, and usually the toybag of a good interrogator contains tools that pull on the heartstrings and brainfolds of the person holding out, not only on their physical constitution or endurance.

The morning after Violet Wand torture thigh marks

The morning after Violet Wand torture

Negotiation:  Negotiation is arguably the most important part of a successful interrogation scene.  Unlike some types of play you might engage in, interrogation negotiation must be pretty extensive and cover territory you might not be used to covering.  Not only do the often asked questions about physical constitution apply (and you want to make sure you are rather rigorous about knowing as much as possible), but you want to know as much as you can about how the bottom might respond to emotional or psychological triggers.  You want to know if there *are* triggers this person is aware of, and how the person behaves when triggered.  You want to know what subjects to steer clear of when taunting them or pushing their buttons.  Interrogation can get mean, and because of this you want to make sure there is really clear communication about the use of safe words for reasons differing from physical fatigue.  Both the Top and bottom in the scene should feel comfortable stopping a scene in the middle of play if they feel something is off.  During an interrogation scene the combination of physical, emotional, and psychological manipulation can tire out a bottom more quickly than anyone thinks probable.  So spend time negotiating.  Spend a few weeks to a month or more planning with one another.  Do your research as an interrogator, and know how to come up from a scene if you find your bottom spiraling down to a place you feel is unhealthy or harmful.

Healing Process/Aftercare:  Just like negotiation the aftercare process will be one you want to make sure you are really clear about.  Depending on how well you know one another or how personally intense the interrogation gets, the bottom may or may not want to engage in a physically close and comforting type of aftercare.  The top in the this scene may have some more needs that usual too – they have, after all, ventured into a land of manipulation and possibly sadistic offense that may be hard for them to resolve in the aftermath.  Regardless, I like thinking of the aftercare of an interrogation scene (or kidnapping, rape play, any type of more emotional/psychologically intrusive play) as a healing process.  If the interrogation play went pretty far beyond anyone’s comfort zones you may be looking at weeks of healing rather than a few hours of cuddle.  Make sure you come out of the  scene giving one another the care and space you respectively need as well as making sure the top is checking in with the bottom a few day after, a week after, and possibly longer.  What might feel ok in the moment of the experience may prick the imagination of the person being interrogated and work at the fears and insecurities that already reside in that person’s psyche creating a triggered state after the scene has ended.  And it is possible to trigger the bottom during play without meaning to creating a situation where they may be looking at a longer process of healing or finding resolution than anyone set out to create.  Make sure you find one another in the aftermath supportively.

My very own dungeon torture interrogation scene:  I was interrogated by a good friend at a spy-themed kinky sex party a while back.  This was a person I was very comfortable playing with,  communicating openly with, someone I trusted and enjoyed, and who I felt I had a great creative rapport with.  We took a good couple months talking about the scene leading up to the party, covering as many negotiation points as we could think of.  Because I was planning this scene with a friend I trusted for an event that I knew I would know most of the people at, I felt very safe not knowing a certain amount of the details about how the scene would go down.  What I did know was that there would be at least one or two other people involved (and I had given my interrogator a list of trusted friends who I knew would be at the party), that the scene would be videotaped on a closed circuit camera and shown on a big TV screen in the “security surveillance room” at the party, that the scene wouldn’t be sexual in nature (but that sex could be threatened), that my physical limitations and hard limits were outlined clearly, that my scene partner knew what types of physical torture I could bear, what my emotional and psychological triggers were, and that we had a game plan for aftercare.  I had no idea what information the interrogator wanted from me, how the scene would begin or end, or what would be happening with me during the scene…

The party was a really fun success, everyone had dressed to the nines and had characters or various plans for the evening.  Before the party had really begun a someone slipped a piece of paper in my hand and I was instructed to memorize the information on it.  It was a series of numbers…  At some point early on in the night, completely out of the blue a bag was thrown over my head, I was held firmly by a couple of people, my legs and arms were quick tied, and I was slung over the shoulder of a large man and carried down to what I assumed was the venue’s dungeon space.

I couldn’t tell how many people were around me or involved in my kidnapping, but I started to recognize some of the voices around me, mainly my interrogator’s, as I was chained, hands over my head, standing, to an anchor point in the ceiling.  I was frisked, manhandled, and talked at for a time…  I can’t say my performer’s mind for script and witty repartee didn’t win out inviting my interrogator to be all the rougher and committed to his vicious role in this arrangement.  A lot of different things happened to me physically during this scene, at some point a spanking bench was employed, and various tools of the sadist’s delight…  The bag came off my head for a time, and was put back on – each time plunging me into darkness and questioning what might be coming next.  There was a bright lightbulb shone into my face upon removal of the bag, and other disorienting visual information on hand.  I realized at some point that beyond the light there was a line of chairs set up and party goers were sitting politely and with morbid fascination watching this scene unfold…  I was strapped into a bondage chair for most of the time with my head, neck, upper arms, forearms, thighs, shins, feet, and waist immobilized.  From that point the physical coercion came mostly from a Violet Wand and dog tag chain used as whipping implement (much more effective then you might think).  Outside of the physical situation though, I was surprised most by the persona of my captor.  He was easy and relaxed, slow to ask for what he wanted, friendly in his demeanor, and quick to remind me that we didn’t have to be enemies or at odds at all, it was entirely my own design if he had to resort to consequences for my failure to cooperate…  He did a really great job playing his part.  I was surprised at the mental exhaustion physical actions took.  Where usually I can bear a great deal of pain, this arrangement caused me to second guess my ability to overcome – to rethink how much I could actually resist, or even wanted to…

The scene progressed slowly and had a great arc to the storytelling.  Eventually I did utter the four numbers I had been told to memorize earlier, and I was comforted a while before being let loose to unwind and enjoy our aftercare.  I think it was a really great first interrogation scene, and I’d be happy to engage in this type of play again for sure.

Evidence of an evening well planned and beautifully played...

Evidence of an evening well planned and beautifully played…

More resources:  I’ll tell you once, and I’ll tell you a thousand times that Kink AcademyFetlife, and your local events are great places to go for more information.  The Kink Academy website hosts quite a few videos on the subject by Danorama (of the awesome duo that is Two Knotty Boys) that are quite good.  Here in New England, NELA and MOB are great resources as well.  In this instance I would really highly recommend talking with other people who have done interrogation before engaging in it yourself along with doing a fair amount of research first.  Have fun messing up your loved ones in the best and most responsible ways possible…

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

###

Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story or perspective to share about kink or want to promote a kinky event?  Email Karin directly at: Karin@ABCsOfKink.com or fill out the as-anonymous-as-you-want-it-to-be feedback form below and you could see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Don’t know what to write about?  Consider answering some of the Survey Questions I posted recently.  Happy writing, and thanks!

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