ABCs Of Kink

Meaningfully Exposed to Poverty

August 14, 2019 by ABCs Of Kink

The world has felt like a lot lately. Most recently it’s felt very intense, however for the last year things have increasingly gone from hard to increasingly harder, and it’s been getting to this point slowly and steadily for as long as I can seem to remember. There are reasons. Many reasons. Some are environmental, health related (international, national, and individual), some reasons are personal, definitely many are driven politically, and certainly the crux of most of these things are economical. Payment for the promises of yesterday have come due today, and we do not live in the same world we grew up in.

How intensely one feels the weight of the world on their shoulders is inherently uneven depending on how you’ve been cared for within and by society during your lifetime. The landscape concerning such things is always changing, yet still remains largely the same. I take these things for granted, “just the way things are, so get used to them”. Recently I’ve seen more and more articles published, and media discussions pop up concerning subjects that seem so blatant, so obvious, so “old news”, that I’ve found myself pausing to reflect on the state of the “haves” and the “have nots”.

We live in different realities from the ground up. The shape of information I’ve always assumed we shared (at least superficially) seems to be less solid and less comprehensive than I’ve believed it to be in the past. What’s been promised, what’s distinctly never been promised, and how one’s grown to become more or less resilient due to their personal expectations for the future (on some level, “what one believes they’re owed by society”), is a collision of textures woven into what comprises community. The differences in these textures are becoming increasingly more apparent as the weave gets tighter. Lately I find myself observing class and wealth differences (even within even my own bubble communities) as much more pronounced than I’ve regarded in the past. This seems more important to understand now than it ever has before. Maybe this is because people who had brighter futures in their younger years are becoming disillusioned at an increasing rate (sometimes for the first time in their lives), about who they are to become, and what rights they actually have in order to live out or attain those inner success stories.

It boils down to the practical understanding one has about the hardships of poverty, and for how long one has considered themselves stuck within that framework, especially as more and more of the population joins this rank. The acknowledgment about whether or not one believes they have the right to attain (or even has a real opportunity to grow beyond) means equivalent or better than the circumstances of how they were raised, is a missing part of conversations we seem to be having today. Discussing more deeply, bringing to light clearly, this missing component would do a lot for our understanding of how we could be working within society for social reform.

Do we wonder what the experiences of others are when we mourn our own (perceived or real) decline? I believe understanding the struggles of others—even and especially those one does not identify with on multiple levels—is a saving grace which can benefit everyone. Especially in this day of the widening wealth gap, rising gig economy, and disappearance of job benefits and future securities.

A great example of this is: for the first time in my decades as an out queer person, I am hearing more gay men calling out and speaking to the privilege of maleness and cis identity within LGBT spaces effecting accessibility, economic mobility, politics, security, family building, and other community realities. Lesbians and transpeople who mix with gay men and their spaces have always known this and have been stringently aware of these deficits of equality since forever, but we’re now more clearly able to have meaningful conversations with gay men (especially white gay men) as they feel their own privileges decline in the current economy and political climate. They are, perhaps, more sensitive to the hardships of others within their own circles, which brings potential equity to a wider circle as the problem solving of these issues begins to unfold.

My generation, the tail end of Gen-X, was the first in recent history to understand and experience the coming-of-age reality that we would not exceed, nor even meet, our parents’ wealth in terms of household income or longterm financial security. I happened to grow up very poor, and have remained so throughout my adulthood. I’m sure for this reason alone I chuckle at headlines which point out that “corporations are buying up all the real estate and driving up housing costs for everyone, thereby pushing more and more people out of their potential for middle class mobility”, as if it’s a new concept or not exactly how things are done nowadays and have been done for what feels like my entire lifetime (though it hasn’t, actually, been that long). To me, poor folk have never been in a position to buy into the middle class without middle class support/help/”handouts”/investment along the way. This concept seems to be “news” to many people these days, something they hadn’t considered before or haven’t noticed happening in the past 30-40 years, steadily becoming more of an everyday reality and effecting higher percentages of the population.

I mean, how is wealth supposed to reach the majority of citizens when the only people taking home increased profits from business are the CEOs of big businesses—which are fewer and fewer people as our capitalist society becomes increasingly driven by monopolies? Make no mistake: our system is a pyramid scheme, and by definition it’s unsustainable outside of committing to grosser and grosser acts of over population for all eternity in order to raise the slave class multitudes which support those living higher up. The minimum wage is less and less a livable one, and our “employment rates” are reflective of the number of people working gigs (which aren’t sustainable), rather than indicating gainful employment in a meaningful and supportive capacity. Speaking with my mother recently, as her perspective reaches further back than mine, she can recall the time before where this was not how things were done. There was, only a couple generations ago, a time where the country and businesses themselves provided for people instead of corporate interests. Credit cards were not how citizens gained credit not very long ago, and loans were available to individuals who needed homes (albeit white cis males predominantly). Savings accounts helped people save money and even paid reasonable rates to the account holder, since that money is used by banks, as it sits in the account, as the bank sees fit for its investments. Full time jobs used to offer comprehensive healthcare including dental, pensions for retirement, and an array of benefits which are rare these days if offered anywhere anymore (albeit to white cis males predominantly).

All I want is to have a reasonable amount of space to build the living museum I envision and desire to create. Space enough to teach classes in, space to utilize for a meaningful living. I don’t think I’ll ever be in a position to buy a space though, and rents are impossible to afford when it’s square footage and accessibility one’s in need of.

I guess this is all to say that paying closer attention to the realities of our ever increasingly marginalized and poor populations is more than your civic duty, it’s key to everyone’s survival. Look around. Most of us are struggling, and some are struggling epically more than others. I endure forms of marginalization which directly effect my potential for economic productivity, and also privileges (whiteness especially) which give me opportunities (networks) not everyone has access to. This too protects me to a certain degree from forms of active and inbuilt oppression which further ravage individuals economically and personally.

The more sensitive I am to these subtleties in privilege and oppression, and the more I understand how the system actively works for and against individuals based on an array of identity realities, the easier it is to help others in need and to find ways to help myself. I want to be a reasonable part of community, which means I want to rise as I also help those around me rise. I fundamentally believe we must gather together collectively in order to be strong enough to traverse the landscape of our current, persistent, and ever widening capitalist tragedy that is the train wreck of today—effecting us all politically and privately. The more points of intersection with oppression I struggle with, the harder it is to accomplish anything (even on a daily basis). By design this keeps the marginalized person down. An increase of community members I’m surrounded by who understand this helps make up some of the difference between us, and the better off we all become in time. It will take a mass decision (especially by those who feel as though “they do not have what they are owed”), to give instead of only practicing taking. This is what must shift in order for us all to have and to survive meaningfully.

The struggle of today is that too many people are clinging to a story of “their rights”, and less to the observation of growing percentages of people in radical decline, joining the ranks of those whom they never considered as having those same rights to begin with.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me pay rent: join Patreon, offer Support or email me directly. Thank you

Filed Under: Brain on Download Blog Tagged With: disappearing middle class, inequality, poverty, privilege and wealth, wealth gap

Disjointed and Fragmented I March Along

July 31, 2019 by ABCs Of Kink

Today is the last day of July. Last Saturday was my 41st birthday. It’s been a tumultuous year so far. We’re more than halfway through 2019. Soon to be: 2020.

My bandwidth is off. I’m irritated by requests from people who don’t clearly state their business first, or who ask the labor of guessing from me. I’m feeling disconnected from individuals I’ve loved a long time. I’m suspicious of people I’d usually accept with open arms. I’ve been struggling with my health, physical and emotional. I am not my best self right now.

This year was supposed to be a year of building. Well, it is a year of building, however it’s also been a year of tearing down. Not all of the tearing has been constructive. Necessary dismantlement of that which had been built up over time is coming apart under the examination and direction of tireless fingers and an older, wisened heart. Unnecessary stings to my flesh and mind have been rampant from the political front for a time. This country is becoming more overtly racist, sexist, anti-immigrant, and transphobic. Even liberal politics are seemingly headed closer to the conservative side of town in the name of a centrism which doesn’t exist anywhere near an actual middle ground. Reacting to Trump’s country/bad behavior by dulling our feathers and dreams cannot be the way we save ourselves from horrific repeats of history. The many-faceted fight for equality cannot be abandoned as bigots and Nazis scream ever louder and more publicly. That is not how one ends a fight with bullies.

Yes this is about poverty, about bigotry, about longtime excesses of privilege leading to a willful defiance and pettiness/greed in humanity. Yes this is about everything going on in the news, and yes it is very intimately also about me. I exist on this planet, a pion of meaninglessness except within my own story, yet I also am pushed (to the limit too frequently as of late) by all that surrounds me. My feelings of meaninglessness are only as honest as the connections I strive to keep.

There is a melancholy settled in the far corners of my internal body, and a slowness governing the pace and rhythm of my heart. These bits of darkness are presided over by an unfit Judge daring to speak out in some small central location of my brain. He’s stronger these days than he’s been since my high school and college years (which catalogued an onslaught of very dark days and nights). So, it’s been a long while since the negative voices resounded so loudly inside.

This judge tells me I’m a terrible person and better off released from the grind of having a day to day. He recounts each mistake I fear I’ve made, and rants at length about how those I count as loved ones care nothing for me in return.

I can’t remember the last time I struggled with my health so completely—physically, reproductively, emotionally, and mentally. I’ve been a wreck for longer than I care to admit.

In the end, admitting might be my worst weakness. Synonymous with the ideal of strength (a vision of togetherness), I don’t know how to face friends who are struggling and ask them if I can tell them my struggles too. I hold on to a longtime belief that there’s no room in the world for my needs. I help those who come to me, I don’t need their help in return. My use is to hold up and support, not require soothing hands for my own heart. My place is in serving others, not asking for luxuries myself… I know this is wrong. I look at the page as I type and call bullshit. Yet the persistent story remains, rooted in the grey matter of my brain. I want it out, this poison from my psyche.

I’m grateful for friends who come sit with me, call for a chat, or check-in with some regularity; those I work with, especially my regulars and sweet devoted trainee; my cat keeps me whole and grounded day to day; my family is there, especially when I’m very dark and can’t seem to see anyone close to me. I’m grateful for acts of kindness. I’m grateful for those who tell me I’ve touched them, helped them, inspired them on their own journeys. I’m grateful for lunch and drinks and dates to go swimming… I’m grateful knowing I’m not alone in my struggles to remain breathing.

These days it’s dawning that I require more casual connections. I need adventure partners, to find and participate in local communities in order to be healthy. I’ve been hunkered down alone, attending to my inner world out of necessity in the midst of real changes and growth for too long. I jab at myself, enunciating for a chuckle that I’m antisocial, but it isn’t honest. These are behaviors born of fear. I’m not sure where I’m supposed to be right now. Like my clothing, nothing seems to fit right. I’ve lost delight in little things. My mind wanders to oblivion more frequently than it should.

Beautiful visions remain in my mind, but when I chuck them at a wall nothing seems to stick. Perhaps it’s just this oppressive Summer humidity, though the chill of Winter’s cold does it too, so perhaps it really is just me… I can’t continue to fail and fail and fail, day in and day out. Responding to that statement, I check in—am I failing? Really? It does feel that way, as though I’m slipping away.

There’s no time or money for learning. I find myself at the bottom of creative mountains I’m not sure I’m equipped to handle. My brain brings me to the impossible places I haven’t figured out yet. My mind does not dwell nearly as often in space I know well or find comfort in.

This will pass. I must remember that it always has. I will place one foot in front of the other. I will prevail in time. It will take longer than I want, but succeed at something I must, in order to survive.

Perhaps this is the burden of being alive: imagination and reality so often collide. Perhaps instead, it’s that too often they don’t seem to meet where they might.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me pay rent: join Patreon, offer Support or email me directly. Thank you

Filed Under: Brain on Download Blog Tagged With: centrist politics, conservatism, depression, effects of poverty, the effect of bigotry on minorities

B is for BDSM CHECKLISTS

July 26, 2019 by ABCs Of Kink

A helpful tool I frequently use with new subs and trainees is the BDSM checklist. You can find a bunch of them online, and over the years I’ve found examples which work more or less to my satisfaction.

Sometimes I get annoyed that a checklist’s language is different from what I’m used to, or the list comes off as too heteronormative or less than gender inclusive. There are some I find to be too complicated, and others too simplistic. Certainly it’s impossible to develop an exhaustive list of things to try, but even still some lists cater more towards styles of play I enjoy, and some are far from useful to me specifically.

Today I’m sharing a BDSM checklist that I’ve put together. I know I’ll be refining it as long as I use it. That’s just the nature of this ever-evolving beast. I’ll try to update the file link when I think of it in the future.

My list is based off a few I’ve used in the past, with various bits taken off, added on, recategorized, redefined, and with slightly different options than I’ve found on some. It’s not an exhaustive list in the least bit, but I think it’s a pretty good start and it works for me rather well. Feel free to download, edit, update, change, and utilize the list for yourself:

BDSM Checklist CreatureSir Download

How to use a BDSM checklist: At the top of most comprehensive checklists you’ll find definitions about what words mean and instructions about how to fill the pages out. This is so the person filling it out can do so as clearly as possible, and the person reading it can interpret their answers relatively accurately. It’s important to remember though that people interpret different terms differently, and one person’s idea of what “medium masochism” is might be wholly different than another’s.

Alongside the long list of activities to be rated, there are often a few ways each activity can be rated. In my checklist I ask people to rate each activity in a number of different ways in order to get a more comprehensive idea about how my sub actually experiences each activity. I ask them to rate: by experience level—never tried, tried but not enough to fully evaluate, or experienced; by how much they enjoy the activity—0-5; by whether or not the activity is a limit, a curiosity of theirs, or a valued part of play for them; to let me know if the activity is a fetish or something they feel they want to be “forced” to do in order to get over their nerves to try; and finally I offer space for notes and questions.

All of this information gives me a much clearer picture of how my partner feels about an activity, than if they’d simply said, “I rate such-and-such activity as a 3”. It helps me know where they’re at—are they new to the activity, do they have notes about whether it’s something they only do with people they have particular chemistry with… you get the idea. The combination of answers I’m presented with gives me better questions to ask when it comes time to negotiate.

You’ll notice on my checklist that there’s a pretty wide variety of activities represented. In part this is because I have a wide range of interests and skills, but this is not the only reason. There are definitely a number of items on the checklist that I do not offer at all, or that I do not engage in with everyone. The reason for this is an important one. I want my sub to feel comfortable telling me about them, not what they think I want to hear. By offering a more comprehensive list of activities, I offer my new partners an opportunity to answer questions they may never have been asked before. I want that. I want my partners telling me more about their interests and experiences rather than less. I want them to feel safe sharing “darker” fantasies or more taboo interests without fearing that I’m judging them. If it’s on the form, it’s an opportunity to let me know their thoughts. If I don’t give that opportunity to my partners, there’s a lot about them I’ll never get insight into.

This is helpful in other ways too. If a partner really loves an activity I don’t personally engage in, knowing that could be an opportunity for me to help them find someone who does offer it. There’s also the possibility that in time I might change my mind and decide an activity I’ve previously not been interested in is something I’d like to bring to the table in that relationship.

Similarly to this line of thinking, offering more options instead of less to a sub with limited experiences helps their own imagination about what’s possible expand. It encourages partners with limited imaginations consider opportunities they’d never thought of before. (If I’m anything, I’m absolutely an instigator at heart.)

Why use a checklist? I like checklists. I see them as a general snapshot of the terrain I’m working with when I begin a relationship. Checklist answers will, of course, change in time as people evolve and gain more experiences or as the relationship grows. While a checklist should not be considered consent, it is a great way to become inspired.

One of the first things I look at is what areas of play we seem compatible in. Next I spend some time musing on the things they like. Even if we don’t share all of the same interests, I can decide to incorporate elements of certain types of play into other things that I do. For example, maybe I have no interest in getting super into pet training with a sub who really likes that. Knowing they’re really into that might encourage me to use a leash more frequently, hand mits, offer them more time in a cage than I’d usually consider, or have them eat off the floor. These lists and their answers are not mandates, they’re simply prompts into possibility.

What I do not use a checklist for: I never use a checklist to replace conversation and proper negotiation. First of all, someone writing down that they love to be beaten with a cane, is not consent for me to beat them with a cane. It’s great to know I can probably offer my cane to them and gain approval, however maybe my sub only loves being beaten by canes made of thick rattan (softer and more thuddy as canes go), but I’m only packing a thin acrylic (very hard and stingy) one. Perhaps the only cane Top they’ve played with in the past was very gentle and spent a long time warming them up, but they’ve never experienced a mean caning and don’t realize that’s even a thing. From this checklist I’ll still have no idea if they like to be caned wherever on their body, or if they only like being hit on a very specific body part. You can see how the checklist get’s me into a ballpark for conversation, but we’re still not completely set up for play.

Another problem I’ve come across with many checklists is that the directions on how to fill them out aren’t very clear. Sometimes the definition of what a soft limit vs. a hard limit is isn’t spelled out (or doesn’t resonate with my use of those terms). Sometimes rating methods are super complicated, and halfway through filling the form out I realize I’ve been inconsistent with my answers. Sometimes I’ve not known what an activity really means, and by page 8 I’ve lost track of all the questions I wanted to ask. BDSM checklists are a way to amass a large amount of general and personal information, not extract detailed meaning. Because of this I think of checklists as “inspiration” rather than anything remotely resembling “facts”.

All in all, BDSM checklists are a great tool. Like any tool they can be incredibly helpful or extremely limited depending on what you want accomplished. Remember that the answers you receive only apply to the person who filled it out at the moment they filled it out. Emotional and mood changes, growing interests, updated relationship aspirations (or tensions), and new experiences take their toll on any checklist’s accuracy. They are certainly not a replacement for conversation or ongoing check-ins.

If some time has passed, consider having your partner fill a checklist out again. It can be fun to notice how many more activities they’re familiar with or have new and different opinions about from the first round, when you were just getting to know one another.

Here’s the link again—a downloadable pdf of Creature Sir’s BDSM Checklist. I hope you enjoy it, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

This writing takes time, research, and consideration. It is my art.
Please help me pay rent: join Patreon, offer Support or email me directly. Thank you

Filed Under: ABCs Blog Tagged With: BDSM checklist, get to know your sub, help negotiating kink, test your submissive