Life is a series of steps. There is no plan but the one which unfolds. This is what can be counted on, though dreaming is central as we decide where to place our feet. Moments before the storm are some of my favorite. I think the meaning of life is tension.
Strings stretching out between ourselves and others, situations, opportunities, etc., illustrating how we hold in our very own hands meaningful opportunities to effect the outcome of our lives. Of course there is always another end holding the rest of our fate—deciding whether to tug back, go slack, or overwhelm us with its power. In tug-of-war one cannot play successfully without both sides engaged in the game. It’s important to know when to let go, loosen up, try harder, or call for help… It’s important to understand which battles can be given up upon, which to go all out for, and which to let others win.
I am solo poly. I belong romantically and sexually to myself. I have ongoing long distance relationships with lovers, I have friends with benefits, play partners, D/s relations, one night stands, and any other number of flirtations, activity partners, and sensual professional connections. At times there are none. In my personal life I have found that capital R relationships (primary) don’t work for me. That game is too full of tension, and the other side always seems to want to pull me where I’m not happy to be. I’ve learned to love the many ropes looped onto my belt which I can pull at here and there as the opportunity and desire take me. I love that what doesn’t work for me about the day-to-day experience of loving one is exactly what strengthens my ability to connect, in chosen moments, more deeply and with less abandon with a wide variety of humans beings. This is the correct tension (for now) for me. I am not like everyone, everyone is not life me.
It does make me sad that people don’t know more about my capacity for intimacy and autonomy, or perhaps it’s just that most people don’t know what to do with it… I’d love to be asked how my love life is, or who or what I’m excited about these days, as one does with friends who have primaries. I’m passionate about exchanging energy and creating space for others to thrive under my hands, in my home, from sharing my skills, within the magic that we find ourselves immersed within together—different with everybody, changing with time. I love loving, and I’m equally happy with goodbyes.
Our connections are blessings, pointing to meaning in our lives. If we only stand alone on this planet, we’re not participating in the life we’ve been given. Yet, without a firm handle on the space between “self” and “other”, we become deluded and overbearing.
Entitlement is borne of a lack of imagination, from which it would become evident that all the things one shares life with do not have the same wants and needs. I’m mulling over the meaning of things… In this world where control of others is tied to selfishness, lack of self-discipline, little if any empathy for the plight of those underfoot, lack of healthy coping mechanisms, and little self-awareness (which bleeds into all awareness); my energy for the tug-of-war feels lacking. These past few weeks: 6 week abortion bans, weekly shootings taking the lives of children, police getting away with taking the lives of black and brown citizens, detention centers for would-be immigrants and continued traumatization of children being torn away from parents, transgender service bans and the stripping away of equal rights for people who are LGBT… this iceberg’s tip is very intense for me.
I think our tension is fucked up…
Play On My Friends,
~ Creature
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