When Things go Wrong

Image by lumaxart

Image by lumaxart

First, I apologize for the late entry.  I’ve been away from internet.  In line with snafus though, on Tuesday I was supposed to perform at a venue at 9am and at 10am.  Unfortunately I am living in my van while on tour and the place we spent the night didn’t have any phone service or Wi-Fi I could hook into, so my phone (and therefore my phone alarm) died in the night while I was sleeping.  Luckily I woke up in time to scrabble together getting dressed and my butt on the road in enough time to (barely) save my second show from termination.  I called the venue on my way in letting them know we would be there in time to set up for the 10:00 show to go off as planned, but that we would have to cancel the 9:00.  I apologized and mentioned we had the afternoon free, so if they would be able to schedule a second show later in the day to make up for the cancelled one, we would be available for it.  Luckily they did have room in their schedule to make a later show work.  Luckily when we arrived at the venue everyone was lovely to work with, knew who we were, and weren’t snarky about the scheduling situation.  We performed two great shows, and at the end of the second show we were approached by the venue’s booking agent to see if we’d be back next year because they’d love to have us perform for them again…

This scenario was ideal for when the shit hits the fan.

The shit will always hit the fan.  You can be a grounded, prepared person who almost always has their stuff in order and so has to deal with the shit less frequently, but one is never as in charge of destiny as one thinks.  What ultimately matters is this:  when the shit does hit the fan, how do you deal with it?  Who are you in stressful situations that affect other people?

Take kink…  Say I had been in the middle of a scene and my partner hit me at a weird angle, or I moved at an inopportune time, or something got broken, or someone else got hurt, or or or…  How my play partner(s) and I respond to the situation will not only effect how we take care of the mistake in the moment, but it will greatly influence how we feel about one another in the long run.  Will this person be someone I continue to feel safe with, or has this moment defined for me a bunch of reasons I never want to play with them again.

Kink is no different than any other interpersonal arrangement, and the longer you’re with someone, the more mistakes you’ll celebrate making with them.  After you’ve healed from/gotten through/had some time to process the harm done, it’s a good idea to think about what you did to make the situation better or worse than it could have been.  Take some time to think critically (rather than judgmentally) about how your partner handled the situation with you.  Having a conversation about what was hard about the situation, what you were glad happened in response, and bringing up what parts were hard for you that you think could have gone smoother, are great ways to learn from what happened.  I highly recommend learning from mistakes – they’ll help you get better at fielding them when they happen, and better at not making the same mistakes again.

I’ve had my share of problems in scene, and whether the turmoil resulting was physical, mental, or emotional, I’ve always tried to get on the right side of it in the end.  Sometimes the right side of a problem is letting a friend or partner go off and do their own thing, sometimes it means just listening and being supportive, sometimes it means bringing someone to the hospital or apologizing profusely.  Humility and the willingness to go an extra mile to make everyone involved happier is how best to get back on your feet I’ve found.  Blaming and distancing yourself from responsibility tends to be more destructive than useful…  In the end, learning to fall is what gives us grace.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

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~Thank you.


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