Dear Creature: Large Hands for Fisting

I want to fist but I’m told my hands are too big. What can I do?
~ Big Hand in the Bush

Hi there BHitB,

Thank you for the question. First, I ask you to consider that sexual and sensual acts aren’t always as goal oriented as we might think. Fisting is an activity that usually takes some time, a certain degree of training the receiver’s body to relax and open up, trust, lots of lube, and a higher level of foreplay and turn on for the fistee. There are biological components which play into the subject, such as how wide someone’s hips are or how wide someone’s hands are. Not every hand will fit in any orifice safely or pleasantly, even with all of the strategy mentioned above.

If you’re interested in the basics of fisting, I wrote a blog on it a while back, F is for Fisting.
Reading it might help you begin negotiating the activity with an interested partner.

There are lots of people who LOVE fisting, be it anal and/or vaginal, and have the natural physiology to easily accommodate larger fists, or have trained their bodies to be able to. My fisting blog is one of the most popular ones on this site, over the years it consistently has the most daily hits — so there is definitely interest from a general population (or a handful of people read it over and over on the daily). If you are on Fetlife or other sexual/kink websites serving as social forums and/or dating pools, post on the appropriate pages or on your profile that you’re interested in fisting and that you have big hands. I assure you that there are people who are looking for exactly that. If you have partners who you feel comfortable talking about your desire to try fisting with, you should bring up the subject with them and see if they’d be comfortable trying it with you.

Now for a note on mechanics: Chances are you may not get your entire hand in on the first, second, or even third try, and maybe not ever. But you will be fisting! The process of getting there, I promise you, is a huge part of the excitement of the activity. It is worth the journey when partners are listening to one another, connecting well, and enjoying the ride. A few other thoughts which may help you too: When I say that it helps to be very turned on and relaxed, I mean that 1,000%. First, try a lot of mutually satisfying activities leading up to getting all of your fingers in. Having great sex where both you and your partner are able to climax (if that’s something you do together), or edging multiple times so that the body feels wanting of more intensive attention and further sensation can help open the body up too. After climax, or with a lot of time and tease, you and your partner will definitely be more warmed up and relaxed, and probably feeling more adventurous. Your partner will probably have a higher threshold for pain and intense stimulation as well. When you tease to the point that someone really wants to be fucked hard, that’s a great time to start ramping up your play. Start with one finger and work your way up. Lube lube lube… Don’t forget to multi task with pleasure centers while you’re concentrating on getting your hand more and more fully in your partner’s body. Take pauses from pressure inward to play with nipples, the clitoris, penis, sensitive skin around the vulva or anus, and any other erogenous zones your partner has. Get to a place of firm pressure and hold it there without forcing past the point of your partner’s feeling of want, and then back out a little and continue to play. Use a vibrator if it helps. Being able to talk with one another and check in about sensations on this journey is very important, so make sure you are both comfortable asking one another for what you want, and speaking up about what something feels like at any moment. Only play with people you trust to speak up about their needs, and follow orders immediately when the fistee tells you what they want.

Fisting is not necessarily painful for everyone. Sometimes it feels like intense pressure rather than “pain”. With larger hands, it might be more on the painful side for most people. It matters that your partner is open to and familiar with pain processing to some extent and knows their body well enough to advocate for what feels like “too much”. This is not a good activity to do while on drugs or after drinking. Anything which dulls the receiver’s understanding of what’s going on with their body can be potentially dangerous, and messes with consent.

So really, large hands or not, fisting is an activity that you should be able to have fun trying out with willing and excited partners to whatever end you’re able. Whether or not you ever get past the point of your knuckles, it’s really less interesting than everything leading up to it. Set aside a good amount of time, and be prepared with lube and other things you might want and need. Check out my first blog on the subject for more tips and tricks, communicate clearly, and have a ton of fun!

Play On My Friends,
~ Creature

Please support my work on Patreon. For one time donations click here: Support the Artist 
~Thank you.

F is for FISTING

I cannot sing the accolades of fisting loudly or sweetly enough!  Great stories follow!  Enjoy!  Read on!  Fist with pride!

Is fisting what I think it is?!  Yes!  Well kinda…  maybe.  The goal of fisting is to get your entire fist (at  least past the knuckles) into the vagina or anus of your partner.  “Double Fisting” is achieving that goal with two hands in one orifice.  Some people can even fist themselves!  When you’re pregnant the doctor may suggest you practice “perineal massage” in an effort to ready the body for birth – this is medical speak for “fist her good so she’s ready come time to push that baby out!”  It’s called fist-fucking, brachiovaginal or brachioproctal insertion, handballing; I call it “awesome”, and “further proof the fingers and hands are the best most smartest sex toys ever created ever”.

Fisting is an activity that takes time, patience, and often a few sessions to build up to succeeding (should you actually eventually succeed).  If you fist regularly you’re much more likely to succeed regularly as well, and time off does mean probable retraining…  What else?…  Well, here’s some more on the subject, should you care to know:

Safety thoughts:  Fisting safety is relatively easy to manage if you’re paying attention and have a few basic supplies on hand (ha!).  For supplies I suggest gloves and lube at the very least.

Gloves:  You can acquire these in Latex or for the latex sensitive, Nitrile.  Gloves come in many sizes and colors, so have fun finding the ones that have your favorite look and feel.  Because nitrile gloves are often textured on the outside, if you turn them inside out you will have a smoother surface to work with.  You can get them by the box if you’re a greedy little player, and at some sexuality boutiques you can buy them in smaller packs to try out various sizes/materials/colors before making the 100 glove commitment.  Gloves serve many purposes in fisting safety and pleasure.  First and foremost gloves are a safer sex barrier.  Safer sex with fisting may be desired for a lot of reasons, but here are a few:  if you’re fluid bonded with a partner and playing with others gloves are your friend, gloves are also generally a smoother surface to work with than a hand that may be cut or calloused, gloves are clean – probably cleaner than under your nails, and gloves will protect the sensitive skin of the vagina or anus from fingernails themselves.  So… gloves!

Photo by Alexjon

Photo by Alexjon

Lube:  Lube is an important element for fisting in general, though of course there are those among us who waterfall quite nicely naturally…  Because fisting can take some time, and often in time natural juices will periodically dry out making friction a larger problem, lube can really help keep the action going with less discomfort.  Lube is helpful if you’re using gloves too, as the non-porous material won’t hold onto lubrication the same way skin will.  Too much friction can cause small tears in your sensitive skin and the possibility of bleeding or morning-after rash and irritation might occur, which should not usually be part and parcel of a successful fisting session.  Friction can cause a higher degree of pain than necessary, so unless that’s what you and your partner(s) are going for, lube will help greatly here.  Lube is especially helpful for anal fisting, as the anal canal doesn’t self-lubricate the same way a vagina will.  So grab a bottle of your favorite lube and go!  I find silicone based lubes last longer and are much more slippery, I also tend to stick with lubes that are glycerine-free, and for an activity like fisting where there’s less in and out motion, lubes with a higher viscosity are great for staying put and not running away.

Other Considerations:  Take care of your nails and nail beds, keeping your fingernails short and well filed, and your nail beds smooth.  Freshly wash your nails, fingers, hands, wrists, and forearms before jumping in.  Consider either having a safe word for when the activity gets too intense to go on, or communicate clearly and check in frequently with your partner(s) throughout the activity.  Acknowledge that fisting is not something that generally results in success the first, second, third, or even more times you try and that everyone is different.  Relax and breathe.  Pay attention to the sensations in your body.  Take frequent pauses in activity to calm down, relax your muscles, and regain energy to move on.  Consider using a vibrator or other toys, and engage in lots of foreplay leading up to and during your efforts fisting.  The more turned on the fistee is, the more fun everyone is going to have.  Consider “training” your partner by using a series of insertables which increase in girth over time.  Connect!

Procedure?  Relaxation, time, foreplay, and lube!  Really that’s most of what it takes, but lets look at some of these ideas more closely.  Fisting isn’t going to happen quickly or even in the first few tries if you’ve never done it before or you can’t take much girth during sexual play.  The skin of the vaginal and anal canals are the same, they are both sensitive and very elastic.  They are capable of expanding or stretching to allow large objects to pass through (like babies, toys, people’s appendages of various sizes), and then of relaxing back to their former size and shape.  Behind the skin are muscles that create the structure for this stretching and reshaping.  These muscles are part of what keeps the vagina and anus healthy and working properly.  Practice your Kegel exercises to become more familiar with the sensations and locations of the muscles on your pelvic floor, and to strengthen your physical response to stimulation down there.  These exercises benefit both the anal and vaginal areas, and you can practice pushing out as well as clenching in and relaxing.  Plus they feel great!

Foreplay can not be overlooked as an essential tool in the fisting endeavor, I believe.  The more turned on you are the more natural lube you will produce, the higher resistance to pain you will achieve, the more resilient your body will be in the healing process from stress or friction, the more relaxed you will find yourself, and the more easily you will be able to communicate about what’s going on to your partner.  You may find that foreplay allows you to orgasm during the process, and perhaps get you further faster and more pleasurably.

Other than that, start out small and work up.  One finger, two, three…  when you get up to four and five fingers pinch them all together like the bill of a duck to continue, and continue slowly.  Engage the clitoris and pay attention to what the body wants.  There are times when pressure will feel good, rocking, in and out movements, backing out and working back up…  Let your body be the guide.  The hardest point to get past is the knuckles, and you’ll find you have to modify the shape of your fist/duckbill to get there probably.  Breathe!

So Karin, tell us a fisting story!  I had a girlfriend years ago with whom fisting became a regular activity.  We LOVED it!  I think what I loved most was the mix of feelings that came with the activity:  accomplishment, a fair amount of pleasurable pain, the presentness and breath and attention that the activity requires, that it feels overwhelming at times and can be emotional, the fullness, every “spot” gets hit for sure, and it really is a team accomplishment.  I think this is probably one of the kinkiest things I ever enjoyed on the regular before discovering masochism and kink as a thing that I liked apart from sex.

Story no 1.  So, the first time we fisted, it was in the back of a car in a parking lot in PTown.  We had gotten pretty far playing together before that, but never past the knuckles.  It was a very hot and steamy back seat, every window was obscured completely; we’d been working for a while and were tired and sore and happy and wet and turned on, and after a while, with a final bracing and bearing down, we did it!  It was incredible and amazing and I was totally high from the accomplishment.  We played around with hand position and rocking and different sensations, exploring this new place we’d found together…

And after the excitement wore off we realized that the hand had to come back out.

This was a terrifying idea.  It had taken so much effort to get the hand in, that (like a kitten trying to figure out how to get back out of a tree) the idea of working my body further was more than a little overwhelming.  We were both new to this, we were both pretty tired, and I didn’t know if I could take much more pain at that point…

So I decided to push.  Breathe.  Push.  Breathe.  Bare down… and like giving birth, the hand of my lover came out.  I remember that moment being extremely emotional and beautiful.  It was a feeling I’ll never forget.

Story no. 2  This same partner and I fisted pretty regularly after that day.  We’d be exhausted after a long day of work and actually fall asleep with her hand in my body at times…  This is how much we loved playing this way.

At the time, I lived in an artist’s loft with a bunch of performers.  It was a warehouse space where we would produce shows regularly in our “big room”, which was a two-story open space that took up half the footprint of the entire apartment.  The other half of our space was makeshift crafted into a kitchen and bedrooms.  The walls of my room were actually built by my roommates before I moved in, and my tiny little room only had 3 walls.  I had a small office, at the top of our 2nd floor stairs, and next to the office doorway was a ladder that led to a crawlspace 8 feet up above it.  It was this 3 foot tall crawlspace that my mattress was thrown into, and so my “bedroom” had no real privacy except the height.  Sufficed to say we all knew a lot about one another’s bedroom habits in that place…

One day as my girlfriend and I were engaged in fisting play, we had just gotten her hand fully inside when we heard someone come through the front door and walk across the big room toward the 2nd floor stairs.  An ex of mine who was still a good friend had come in and was calling to see if I was home.  I responded, and within moments we heard him at the foot of the ladder climbing up.  I threw the comforter over my body and my girlfriend’s hand just as his head popped up over the edge of my bedroom floor!

I remember being completely shocked and amused as he, totally without thinking about it, invited himself to come hang out for a bit…  The three of us talked and hung out, he was just passing through, and the entire time my girlfriend’s hand was completely inside me.  I did tease her a bit with some Kegels…  This story never fails to bring a smile to my face.

Last thoughts?  Like anything, this activity is not going to be for everybody, and even if you’re interested you may find you are purely into being the fister or the fistee – not everyone is going to appreciate both sides of the equation.  If you are interested in fisting do a little research first.  There’s a lot of information out there, and (as usual), some great videos at Kink Academy.  You can find books and videos on the subject, a favorite of mine is “A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting” by Deborah Addington over at Greenery Press.  Communicate clearly with your partner as you go for the gold, this activity takes time and consideration.  You might not always get to where you think you’re going and that’s ok, in fact it’s at least half the fun.  Happy fisting, friends!

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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Be an ABCs contributor:  Have a story about fisting of your own?  Fill out the anonymous feedback form below and you might see your writing published as a part of Wednesday’s “Perspectives on Kink: Conversations with the Community” blog on this site.  Thanks.

Introducing: Kristen Stubbs, Ph.D. and The Toymaker Project

Ok, first off I just have to say that getting to know Kristen Stubbs is a pretty awesome thing.  She’s a Ph.D. in Robotics, writes about her exploits in technology/sexuality, is a toy maker, runs a local-to-Boston toymaker’s meet-up group, and is all around just pretty rad.  And, not going to lie, I LOVE the fact that she’s not a cis-gender male rocking all of these things in the world (much love to those wonderful creatures as well, but variety is really nice).  Her POV on a lot of what she writes encompasses experiences I’ve also has as a Sex Geek of the non-male persuasion.  To her, to more women in the Sex Geekplace, and to keeping adult delight alive!

Ponygasm is a comic by Kaylie McDougal, that Kristen Stubbs loves

Ponygasm is a comic by Kaylie McDougal, that Kristen Stubbs loves

This Wednesday I am introducing Kristen by sending you all along to her blogspot: The Toymaker Project.  Like this blog she jumps from idea to idea as she sees fit, and her voice is a refreshing one to read.  Below I’ve posted (with her permission, some updates, and a spanking new intro), her blog post from June of this year: In Defense of Ponygasm.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

To Breath and Being,
~ Karin

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In Defense Of PonyGasm

Hi! I’m Kristen, a roboticist and maker who’s also a sex-positive activist and entrepreneur, and I’m thrilled to have a piece of my writing featured on ABCsOfKink. Below you’ll find the story of how I discovered PonyGasm, an erotic comic which began as a crowdfunding project mocked on Tumblr and then taken down by IndieGoGo. Thanks to Karin for giving me this opportunity for promoting sex-positivity and having a sense of humor about sex. 🙂

I’m happy to report that the comic’s author, Kaylie McDougal, told me that after all of the initial PonyGasm-bashing she was thinking of giving up writing erotic comics — but after seeing this review she plans to stick with it! I’m definitely looking forward to her next piece.

TLDR:
Downloading a project that supposedly sucked: $5.
Fisting1 yourself for the first time: Priceless.

Since I’m launching my own sex/kink-positive crowdfunding site Passionate Produce, I’ve been doing research on other crowdfunding sites and trying to understand what works and what doesn’t.  I thought a Google search on “kickstarter sucks” would be one way to gauge what people don’t like about Kickstarter, which led me to yourkickstartersucks.tumblr.com.

I’ll agree that a lot of the projects they feature do pretty much suck — they’re poorly planned, or they’re poorly described, or they appear to be scams. That said, a listing for a project called PonyGasm caught my attention.

Ponygasm: An Erotic Comic by Kaylie McDougal

From the artist: “PonyGasm is a trippy, tongue-in-cheek, sex-positive, lady-friendly erotic comic that’s based on a weird dream i had involving giant, anthropomorphic toy pony lovin’ in a public restroom. strange i know, but trust me, it’s good porn!”

Reactions from tumblr readers were mixed (some finding it hilarious, some hoping she would be reported for violating IndieGoGo’s Terms of Service.)

I couldn’t look at the original IndieGoGo page because the link was broken (unsurprisingly, it had been taken down for a Terms of Service violation). I was able to find artist Kaylie McDougal’s deviantArt page and was excited to see the high quality of the art on the sample comic pages she posted. That convinced me to go ahead and buy the story.

The resulting experience? Suffice it to say that while reading PonyGasm, I inserted all five fingers of one hand inside my vagina for the first time. If that’s not a glowing review, I don’t know what is.

Why PonyGasm Is Hot

  • The comic is unabashedly sex-positive. The protagonist has a fun, consensual encounter with a giant vinyl toy pony.
  • The protagonist’s body is realistic. She’s not just a stick with boobs. She has broad hips and fat on her body in the same ways that actual people do.
  • It’s funny! (In case you missed the “giant vinyl toy pony” part.) This comic has a sense of humor, and the artist doesn’t take sex too seriously.
  • There is well-drawn, hot sex.2

PonyGasm reminds me of Phil Foglio’s XXXenophile, which is my all-time favorite erotic comic/graphic novel. Like in XXXenophile, we have a story of happy individuals having fun together, which is just awesome.

How did PonyGasm end up on yourkickstartersucks?

While I think it’s a kind of sad that someone decided to pick on PonyGasm, I’m not surprised.   I can’t comment on how well the original PonyGasm fundraising campaign was designed because the page was taken down–but my guess is that it wasn’t up on yourkickstartersucks because of poor project design.  PonyGasm pushes against a number of cultural norms:

  • PonyGasm is funny, and it doesn’t take sex (or itself) too seriously.
  • PonyGasm is explicitly “lady-friendly,” which is not how I would describe a lot of mainstream porn.
  • PonyGasm involves a horse.  (For those of us who believe good experiences start with enthusiastic consent from everyone involved, a cartoon toy pony who can clearly articulate his preferences is not particularly problematic.)

If you tell me, “I’m not really into absurdist erotic comics” or even “Vinyl toy pony sex squicks me out,” I respect that.  Everyone has different tastes when it comes to pleasure.3

I’d say the folks who dismissed this project out-of-hand missed out on a really fun piece of erotica. IndieGoGo certainly missed out.  PonyGasm reminds me of why it’s so important for my own crowdfunding startup, Passionate Produce, to succeed.  If Ms. McDougal would ever like to crowdfund a new erotic comic, I’d be honored to feature her work on Passionate Produce.

In the meantime, go buy your own copy of PonyGasm! I can’t make any guarantees about how many fingers you will be able to insert into your own orifice(s) as a result of reading this comic–but if you enjoy PonyGasm even half as much as I did, you’re in for a treat.

Update, 6/26/13 10:34pm: Broken links to the etsy store fixed. My bad!

End Notes

  1. Wikipedia has a pretty decent description if you’re not familiar with the term “fisting.”  There’s actually some debate as to how far inside the fingers/hand have to be inserted in order for something to “count” as fisting, which I don’t particularly care to go into here.
  2. In the interest of full disclosure, I have to say that almost anything even vaguely related to sex turns me on.  (I have a few definite turn-offs, and then there are some things that are “meh.”)  Some of the things that have aroused me include:
    • Watching animals mate in nature documentaries.
    • Riding on bumpy roads during family vacations (which is awkward).
    • Watching BDSM porn before I knew BDSM could be consensual (which freaked me out, and turned me on, and then freaked me out because I was getting turned on).
    • Low-quality pornography (because in the end, all my brain cares about is OMG THERE ARE PEOPLE FUCKING).

    Sometimes this is frustrating or confusing — but then there are days like this one where it means I get to discover something Really Cool. 

  3. Within BDSM online communities, this is sometimes phrased as YKINMK, “Your Kink Is Not My Kink”. 

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If you enjoyed this review, go check out more of Kristen’s true sex stories and other endeavors at The Toymaker Project. You can also find her and her startup, PassionateProduce.com, on Twitter as @vortacist and @PassionProduce, respectively. If you’re in the greater Boston area, She leads a meetup group for sex/kink-positive makers called teasecraft, and would love to see you there.  Thanks for reading!

If you like my blog, please check out my Patreon Page and consider supporting me, or just click here: Support the Artist

~Thank you.

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